He grasped her shoulders. “You're missing the point. Maybe you’re deliberately missing the point. You know my set up. You know that Marsha can get in touch with me almost in- stantly. Why didn’t you ask her to so that I could drive you?”
“Because there wasn’t any need. I made it just fine.” She tried to shrug his hands away, but he tightened his hold.
“Dammit, Cassidy, you are deliberately missing the point. I should have been with you. If Bobby had been hurt, I could have helped you, comforted you.”
He had her on the defensive, and she didn’t like the feeling. “Zach, I’m used to taking care of situations like this by myself. I’ve done it most of my life.”
“But don’t you see that you don’t have to now? You’ve got me.”
“Got you? That’s news to me. And then there’s always the burning question of whether I want you.”
He released her and stared down at her, his face set into harsh, severe lines. “That’s it, isn’t it, Cassidy? You expected me to let you down, and so you decided not to give me a chance to be there for you.”
An uneasiness began to infiltrate her already unbalanced nervous system. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I got the phone call and I left immediately. I didn't have time to think about anything but getting to the hospital as fast as I could.”
“Didn’t you?”
She frowned. “Didn’t I what?”
“Didn’t you think about me at all, Cassidy?” An image of herself as she was about to rush out the door leaked into her mind. Marsha had said, “What do you want me to tell Zach?” And she had hesitated. In that flash of a moment, she had thought about him and if she should have him contacted. And she had made her decision.
“You did think of me, didn’t you?” he asked quietly.
Looking up at him, she received the second blow of the day. Deep in the depths of his beautiful blue eyes, she saw pain, pain she had put there by her actions. She had hurt him once before by withholding information from him and going through his briefcase. And she had seen him hurt by the thought of someone he trusted betraying him.
And now she had hurt him once again, and the knowledge almost made her ill.
“Do you always flinch long before a blow comes, Cassidy? Because that’s what you did. You anticipated I wouldn’t be there for you, and you didn’t give me a chance to show you that I would.”
“Zach - ”
“You took the possibility to prove that you were wrong right out of my hands.”
She wanted, needed, to say something to him - to defend herself, to help him understand, to help herself understand. But she didn’t know what words to use.
He gazed sadly down at her for a long moment, then turned and walked away.
She drove slowly home. Once there she changed out of the skirt and blouse she had worn for work and into a pair of jeans and a pullover sweater. Then she set about cleaning the house. She scrubbed the kitchen floor and vacuumed the living room and bedrooms, She washed and dried clothes. She dusted and polished. And finally when she couldn’t find anything else to do, she had no choice but to sit down and reflect on what had happened.
She had always taken pride in how independent she was, in the fact that she and Bobby didn’t need anyone else but each other. Granted there had been times over the years when she had felt alone and lonely. She thought back to those frightening nights long ago when Bobby had been sick and she had had to sit up all night with him, trying to get his fever down, trying to help him breathe. But she had managed very well on her own.
Now Zach had come along, cutting smoothly into the center of her life. He had been drawn to her because of that stupid red dress, but he had stayed. He was a persistent man with the ability to focus completely on what he wanted. And he had decided he wanted her; just as obviously at some point she had decided she wanted him. She wasn’t sure when she had made the decision, or even why. But she had gone to bed with Zach and loved every minute of it.
She had vowed never to need a man, but her need for Zach was a thing she couldn’t seem to control. There was the silliness and the laughter. There was the way she couldn’t seem to catch her breath whenever he was around. And there was the rapture that defied description and that, in her whole life, she had only known with Zach. Her clawing, burning need for him made her want to seek protection by running far, far away. The problem was, she couldn’t stand the thought that she’d never see him again.
But she had hurt him, and he had walked away from her.
What was she going to do?
She glanced at her watch. It was evening. More than likely he would be at home.
Chewing worriedly on her bottom lip, she ignored the painful knots in her stomach. Would he even want to see her? He had apparently put some sort of trust in her, and without meaning to, she had failed him. She had projected her uncertainties and fears onto him. She had been afraid of being hurt again, so she had taken the safe way out, the cowardly way, and she had rejected him before he could reject her.
She heaved a sigh. As hard as it had been, she had made herself come face to face with the truth of what she had done. Unfortunately, resolving the consequent problems wouldn’t be as easy.
She glanced at her watch again, then reached for her purse.
She had to go to him.
Eight
Lily answered the door wearing a housecoat that boasted a palm tree motif. “It’s about time you got over here, sugar. I’ve been wondering where you were.”
“Why?” Cassidy asked uncertainly. “Has Zach said anything?”
One penciled eyebrow arched significantly. “Not a word, which has said a lot, if you know what I mean.”
“Not really.”
Lily patted her on the arm. “Well, never mind. Just go on upstairs. Turn left at the top of the stairs and go all the way to the end of the hall. He’s in his study. You two have a good evening. If you need anything, you'll have to help yourself. As they say on Masterpiece Theatre, I’m going to retire to my quarters.”
“Thank you, Lily. Sleep well.”
Cassidy eyed the stairs with trepidation, unsure of what kind of reception she would receive from Zach. Actually, she reflected, she probably shouldn’t have come. But she was here now and she didn’t want to leave, at least not until she had seen Zach.
She followed Lily’s directions to the door of his study and knocked. There was no answer, but she could hear noise of some sort coming from inside the room. She knocked again and waited. When she heard no response, she opened the door and went in.
A big mahogany desk sat angled in the corner of the room against a bank of windows that she knew had to offer a view of the river. A computer sat atop the desk. Books of all sorts plus an extensive collection of antique soldiers lined the wall behind it. A long sofa and two large armchairs were arranged at the opposite end of the room in front of a fireplace where a warm, cheerful fire burned. Toys made up the rest of the decor.
And in the middle of the room, Zach sat cross-legged on the floor, engrossed in the elaborate train set spread out before him. He had taken off his shirt and shoes, but he was wearing the slacks he had had on earlier, a white cotton T-shirt, and socks. He also wore a headset that was connected to a state-of-the-art stereo system. And an extraordinarily sweet-looking, two-foot-high stuffed tiger sat beside him.
“Zach?” she said, her voice raised so that he could hear her. His head jerked up, and she saw surprise register in his eyes.
He stripped the headphones from his head and leveled an appraising gaze at her. “I didn’t think I’d see you here tonight.”
She shrugged uneasily. “I - I wanted to come.”
“Why? If you’re worried about the story, don’t be. Just because we had a personal falling-out doesn’t mean you can’t be in on the plan to catch the culprit. You’ll get your story. You deserve it.”
All she heard were the words “personal falling-out.” He made what had happened between them sound so co
ldly antiseptic, so final. She felt herself sway and looked around for something she could lean against for support. There wasn’t anything. Her tongue flicked over her dry lips. “I wanted to come here tonight to tell you that you were right.”
He returned his attention to the train set, flipping a switch so that the train was directed onto a different set of tracks. “About what?”
“I did flinch long before the blow, so to speak. I don’t know if I do that all the time, but I definitely did it today.” He didn’t look up. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, Zach.”
He stopped the train and shoved a plump sofa cushion beneath a section of the track, creating a mountain.
She made a sound of exasperation. “Zach, I just said I was sorry.”
He was silent for a moment, then he pushed a switch to start the train up the cushion-mountain. “Exactly why did you come here tonight, Cassidy? To say you were sorry?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, you’ve said it.”
Perplexed and slightly angry, she crossed her arms beneath her breasts. “You know, Zach, I’m not sure what I expected you to do when I said I was sorry, but I definitely didn’t expect you to ignore me.”
He turned a knob and the train picked up speed. “I’m not ignoring you. ”
“You most certainly are. Your whole attention is on that damned train set.”
He looked up at her, his expression grave. “You have my whole attention, Cassidy, and you have from the first moment I laid eyes on you.” Truth rang from every syllable he spoke, and she felt as if a truck had hit her. She put a hand to her head, for the first time truly ashamed of her stupid prejudice and jealousy of his toys. Lord, what was wrong with her? If she had learned one thing about Zach by now, it was that toys were an integral part of who he was. They helped him think; they gave him pleasure; they provided his engineer’s mind with an outlet for the application of science, mathematics, plus creativity; they earned him an excellent living. It had been demonstrated to her time and again that he was one of those rare individuals whose mind could operate simultaneously and brilliantly on many levels, and she kept forgetting it. “I’m sorry, Zach.”
“You’ve said that.”
“But this time I’m sorry about being jealous of your train.”
He reached over and scratched the tiger behind its ear. “Well, that’s certainly a new one. Aren’t you supposed to be jealous of other women?”
“You haven’t given me any cause to be jealous of another woman. Only of your toys. But I realize now how silly I’ve been.”
One eyebrow lifted. “Be careful, Cassidy. Admitting that you're jealous implies that you care.”
Disturbed by both what he said and the answer she was about to give, she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “Of course I care. Zach, I went to bed with you. That makes you only the second man in my life I’ve ever done that with.”
“But you were in love with the first man, or so you thought at the time.”
“Yes.” When he didn’t add anything, she said, “So? That doesn’t change the fact there hasn’t been anyone since him, not until you.”
“No, it doesn’t.” His expression changed to one almost of kindness. “Why don’t you sit down, Cassidy.”
She dropped to a sitting position on the floor facing him across the intricately woven track system he had laid out. The tracks surrounded a small town, complete with houses, a church, a school, and a town hall. Directly in front of her was the train station with a water tower and a coal bin. “What were you listening to when I came in?”
“A special presentation by the London Symphony. Press that button beside you.”
She did, and just in time, a crossing rail raised for the train to speed under. A long space of silence followed. Willing her nerves to calm, she watched the train run its route.
“You’re afraid of commitment, Cassidy.”
She jumped, startled by his voice. “Commitment?” She said the word as if she had never heard of it before.
He nodded. “You’re afraid of it.”
“And you’re not?”
“No.”
She was thunderstruck by his answer. So much so she couldn’t think, couldn’t immediately come up with anything to say.
“Was there another reason you wanted to see me, Cassidy? I mean, besides to say you're sorry?”
She nodded vaguely, her mind slowly beginning to work again.
“What was it?”
“I - I just wanted to see you.”
He stopped the train, checked a section of the track, then started it again.
She watched the smoke curl from the engine’s smokestack as the train clicked along the track, up the cushion-mountain, under a chair leg, and around the town. He had said he wasn’t afraid of a commitment, but then he had dropped the subject. Had he been referring to a commitment between the two of them? She didn’t know. He hadn’t mentioned the word love. What was she supposed to think? By his own admission, games could hold him enthralled. And she had to wonder if she was really important to him, or just the toy of the moment.
“Why exactly did you want to see me, Cas- sidy?” he asked. “Have you decided you can trust me?”
Instinctively she took a deep breath, somehow knowing her body was going to need all the life-sustaining oxygen it could get in the next few minutes. He had asked her an important question. Her answer would be even more important. And he wasn’t going to like it. “No, I haven’t. But then it doesn’t seem to matter. I wanted to be with you.”
He hit a switch and stopped the train. Supporting himself with a hand on his leg, he leaned toward her, his face taut. “You wanted to be with me tonight? How? In bed?”
“I - I - ”
His eyes burned with intensity. “Come on, Cassidy. Tell me. Say it. Did you want more of that sweet, scorching sex we had?”
It felt as if strong, wide bands were constricting her chest, but she forced herself to be honest. “That was part of it.”
“Cassidy,” he said, slowly, quietly, carefully, “when you take off your clothes and lie down beneath me and open your legs, you are putting yourself in one of the most vulnerable positions you can. Did you know that?”
She swallowed against a hard lump in her throat. “I guess I’ve never thought about it that way.”
“But I’m right, aren't I?”
“Yes.” She wanted to look away from him, but the sheer force and power of his gaze held her. It was as piercing and sharp as a laser.
“Have I ever taken anything less than exquis- ite care of you when we were in bed, or on the floor, or in the shower, or wherever we happened to be making love, tangled up together, sweating and feeling those earth-shattering things we seem to be able to make each other feel?”
“N - no.” Much to her chagrin, the memories that his words evoked started a slow burning inside her stomach and down between her legs.
“So then why don’t you trust me to be there for you when you need me outside the bedroom?”
She stared at him for a long moment. “I don’t know. ”
His body jerked. Returning his attention to the train, he began adding more cars. She studied the procedure as if her life depended on knowing how to do it. When the train started up again, she followed its progress. It made the circuit of tracks several times, then unexpectedly came to a stop in front of her. She looked at it, then without thinking, reached for the tiny silver scoop in the coal bin and began filling the coal car with the small black chunks that represented coal.
Zach watched her. In her jeans and T-shirt, without any makeup, she looked like a teenager, yet she had carried a heavy load of responsibility from the time she had been a young girl. Her hair fell forward, casting shadows onto her delicate cheeks. Her brow was furrowed with troubled thought. She appeared very fragile and unprotected.
She had been through a lot today, and so had he. She had made him angry. She had hurt him. But if she hadn’t come to him, he would have gone to
her. And now that she was here, there was no way he was going to let her leave.
He spoke into the silence, his voice soft and husky. “Let’s go to bed, Cassidy.”
He stood and extended his hand to her. She hesitated for the mere space of a heartbeat before putting her hand in his and rising.
He led her down the hallway to his bedroom. There, standing in the middle of the room, he slowly undressed her. Her T-shirt came off first, then her bra. A shudder raced through her as, unerringly, his gaze dropped to her high, full breasts. He drew a deep, jerky breath, then his hand covered one soft mound, and shortly afterward his mouth fastened onto the nipple. Nerve-altering heat shimmered through her and pooled in her lower body as he drew strongly on the hardened tip. She moaned at the now familiar sensuality that burned along her nerve endings and seared her through and through. And when his hands went to her jeans, she hurried to help.
He caressed and kissed each newly exposed area of skin as if he were discovering her all over again. His mouth could work magic in her, she reflected hazily, his tongue, miracles. Her head fell backward on her slender neck, and she grasped his arms, steadying herself. By the time he skimmed her panties down her long legs, she was shaking and on fire.
He wasted no more time. He lifted her into his arms and carried her to bed. The corduroy comforter and the stuffed animals felt soft beneath and around her. He felt hard as he moved between her legs and entered her. He filled her, he completed her, and he brought her to peak after shattering, rapturous peak.
Cassidy heard a knock from a great distance, but she couldn’t seem to respond. Clouds of sleep were weighing her down, pinning her limbs to the bed. The knock came again. She felt Zach stir behind her and realized he was once again holding her against him, her back to his front. Groggily, she opened her eyes in time to hear another knock and see the bedroom door open a crack.
Lily stuck her bouffant-coiffed head around the door. “Oh, good, you’re awake.” She kicked the door open and entered, carrying a tray which she put on a table at the foot of the bed. “I thought you all would be about ready for a good breakfast.” She strode over to the windows and began flinging back the curtains. Morning light flooded into the room.
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