“How are you, love? Did you have a good day in school?”
“I did thanks, Gran. What are you two talking about? You look very serious.”
Kate hadn’t mentioned the baby since. Not to me or to her dad or even Mam. It was as if it didn’t exist for her.
“Ah, this and that,” said Mam. “Boring stuff that would be of no interest to you.”
“Do you want a cup of tea, Kate?”
“Yeah, I will, thanks, Mam.”
I was amazed how she could switch on and switch off her personality as she felt like it.
My mother would go home now and then the Devil Kate would return as soon as the door was closed behind her.
Chapter 33
Three days later and Noel still wasn’t talking to me. That left Patrick and Seán as the only members of the family who deemed me worthy enough to talk to. Noel would exchange a few words as necessary if there was something about one of the children but that was the extent of our communication. I knew he was still seething. I was constantly asking myself if I had made the right decision but then when I thought of the little baby inside me I knew that I had. Noel didn’t see the baby as a person yet but for me it was very real. I could feel it moving and turning – it was already a little person to me – we just hadn’t met yet.
Kate on the other hand just gave me filthy looks as if I was the scum on the soles of her shoes. I knew we needed to talk so one day I went down to her in her bedroom. I knocked on the door but she couldn’t hear me over the music being played on her stereo so I just walked straight in. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed, her head bowed deep in concentration as she used permanent marker to graffiti her schoolbag. The room was like a shrine to Nirvana and posters of a strung-out Kurt Cobain took over every spare inch of the walls. She didn’t hear me come in so I walked over and lowered the volume. Her head shot up.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she snapped at me.
“I thought you’d like to go into Galway at the weekend – just the two of us?”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Well, I thought we might do a bit of shopping, get you a few new clothes?” I sat down on the edge of the bed.
“All right.”
I knew she would never be one to turn down the opportunity of getting new clothes. Although God knows we couldn’t afford it.
It had been so long since we had done anything together. The thing was that I missed her – Kate and I used to be so close. She followed me everywhere as a little girl. She would stand beside me at the bathroom mirror when I was putting on my mascara and I would have to let her put some on too – or she would traipse around the house in my ‘hee-highls’ as she called them, with my beads draped around her neck so that they were almost trailing on the floor and I was afraid of my life that she was going to trip up on them. She was my shadow and I loved having a little girl who wanted to try on my make-up and clothes. It was only when she had gone to secondary school that the mood swings had started and I became the enemy. I was hurt and upset at first but when I talked to friends they assured me it was just a phase – that all teenage girls go through it with their mothers but they come out again the other side of it. I also hoped, if we had a good day, then she might become more accepting of the baby. I still hadn’t told her about the other thing.
The following Saturday we set off for Galway. We had a great morning, just the two of us. I ended up spending far more than I had planned. She saw a long peasant skirt that she liked so I got that for her, then there were a pair of runners she wanted and black nail varnish too. I knew I was probably buying her affection but I didn’t care. We went for lunch in a fast-food place just off Shop Street that Kate chose. We both had fries and burgers and Kate ordered a milkshake.
“You’ve got a bump now.” It was the first reference she had made to the baby since we had told her that I was pregnant.
“I do – it’s big enough, isn’t it?” People in town were starting to notice that I was pregnant even though I was wearing loose clothes. At Mass the week before I observed people’s eyes being drawn to my bump as they wondered was I or wasn’t I. The look of shock on their faces was amusing – they were almost as bad as Kate.
“Uh-huh.” She nodded. “You look massive.” She sucked up her strawberry milkshake noisily through the straw. Oh to be a skinny thirteen-year-old! I just had to look at a milkshake to feel the weight going on.
“Well, cheers, Kate!”
She smiled at me, her beautiful smile that reminded me of when she was a little girl.
“I’m nearly halfway there now,” I said.
“I can’t believe there’s going to actually be a newborn baby in the house.”
“Me neither.”
“I suppose it’ll be okay.”
“Yeah?” This was a breakthrough.
“I’ve told Aidan and all my friends and they actually thought it was kinda cool – not the fact that you and Dad are still having sex, that’s just gross, but that I’m going to have a new baby brother or sister.”
“I see. Well, I think we’ll all enjoy having a new lease of life around the house. This baby will be very lucky to have an older sister and two brothers all doting on it.”
“But there’s no way I’m bringing the baby out in case people think it’s mine. And I’m definitely not going to be baby-sitting for you – I have my own social life to think about, y’know.”
“Don’t worry, no one is asking you to baby-sit just yet!” I laughed.
“What’s wrong with Dad? He’s been in a bad mood for ages now.”
I didn’t think she’d even noticed the tension between us. I decided while things were going well it might be best to come clean about what was going on.
“Look, Kate, during one of my scans – the doctor . . . well, he found a growth.”
“What kind of growth?”
“Well, it’s hard to say without doing a biopsy but that would be a risk for the baby so I’m not going to do it and your dad is just a bit annoyed about it, that’s all.”
“What’s his problem?”
“Ah, you know what he’s like.”
“Sure, can’t you just check it out after the baby is born?”
“Exactly!”
I didn’t want to worry her with the risks – best to keep it simple.
When we came out of the burger bar we strolled arm in arm over the cobbles. It was so good to have my daughter back – it was times like these that lifted me to the top of the world and my heart would swell with love for her. I knew that in a couple of days she’d be back to being a raging hormonal teenager but every now and then I got to see a piece of the daughter I knew and loved so well and I was making the most of it.
I was tired, my legs felt like they had been poured full of lead and, although I wasn’t usually one for napping during the day, I felt I could lie down and sleep for a week – but I didn’t want the day to end just yet because days like this were such a rarity. I wanted to savour every minute of it. It was such a weight off my mind having Kate back on side again. Now it just left Noel – one down, one to go. I decided I was going to talk it out with him after the kids had gone to bed that night. I couldn’t bear the atmosphere around the house any more especially seeing as the kids had picked up on it. We both needed to act like grown-ups. And the stress wasn’t good for the baby.
“Hey, Mam!” she said as she stopped on the street in front of an A-frame board on the path.
“What?” I said warily as I read the sign: Bodyart: tattoos, piercings on the spot.
“Can I get my nose pierced?”
“No way!”
Things might have been going well between us but I wasn’t a complete walkover.
“I knew you wouldn’t let me.” She started to laugh. “Maybe a tattoo?”
“Keep on walking.” I steered her by the shoulders past the shop.
On the way home in the car I stole a sideways glance at her while we were stopped at t
raffic lights and was hit with a huge pang of guilt. I really hoped I had made the right decision in not having the surgery like Doctor O’Keeffe had advised. I wouldn’t admit it to Noel but the odd time the doubts would get to me and I would wonder if he was right. Was I putting this baby inside me before our other children? Kate chatted away and she didn’t seem to notice I was thinking. She opened up to me about Aidan and how much she really liked him. I just concentrated on driving and let her talk. When I got home, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I said to Kate that I was going in to bed for a lie-down for half an hour. I didn’t have the energy to remove my clothes so I got in under the duvet fully clothed.
When I woke and saw the daylight giving the room that early morning glow, I knew I had slept all night. And I couldn’t believe that I was still wearing my jeans and T-shirt. Noel was asleep in a mound under the duvet beside me. I raised myself on one arm to look at the alarm clock over on Noel’s side of the bed. It was 6 a.m.. Jesus Christ, I had slept twelve hours straight! I lay there for a while thinking about everything, wishing Noel would be my support. We never fought. We were just one of those couples. People often said to me that we were both too easygoing to fight and I knew what they meant. But then, when he was mad with me, in this case madder than I had ever seen him before, it worried the life out of me.
I shook his left shoulder that was raised.
“What, what’s wrong?” he said sleepily, pulling the sheet up over his shoulder.
“We need to talk.”
He rubbed his eyes and looked at his alarm clock.
“It’s seven minutes past six – go back to sleep.” It was nearly time for him to get up and he was trying to make the most of the few minutes that he had left in bed.
“I can’t, Noel, it’s driving me mad. I don’t like it when we fight.”
“And you think I do?” He sighed as he propped himself up against the headboard.
“No, I know you don’t – that’s why I want to sort this out before it goes on any longer.”
“Have you made your mind up?”
“I can’t have the surgery, Noel – I just can’t do it. No matter how many times I think about it I just can’t do it.” I could feel the baby kicking. I pulled up my T-shirt then, showing him my bump.
“Look, Noel – just look.” As if performing on cue the baby kicked, visible from the outside. “I can’t do anything that would jeopardise it.”
He let out a long and frustrated sigh and looked up at the ceiling.
“Okay.”
“What?”
“Okay – I’ll support you. If this is what you want, I’ll support you.”
“Really, Noel – no more mention of surgery?”
“That’s it – that’s the end of it. If this is what you want, then I’ll go along with it but I just pray to God that it will all be okay.”
“Of course it will – sure you won’t get rid of me that easily.”
“I don’t want to get rid of you.” He put his arm under me and pulled me in tight so that my head was resting against his shoulder.
“I love you, Eva.”
“And I love you. I told Kate about everything yesterday.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, it was like there was a tiny chink in her armour and I got to see my real daughter for a while. We had a great day together. Just like old times. She has come to terms with the baby – her friends all think it’s cool, so that helps.”
“Does she know that it might be cancer?”
“Well, I didn’t want to completely scare the life out of her so I just said it was a ‘growth’.”
“I see – well, it’s probably for the best. We should probably tell the boys later on too.”
When we told the boys, Patrick just shrugged his shoulders and Seán asked if we were done so he could go outside and play football. Again, we hadn’t used the ‘C’-word. I had debated it in my head whether we should just be upfront with them but, since I didn’t even know myself that it was cancer we were dealing with here, there was no point in going down that road.
Chapter 34
A few weeks later I was due back at the hospital for my next appointment. I think they were hoping I would have changed my mind about the surgery but the more life I could feel growing inside of me, the more I knew that there was no way I would change my mind.
As feared, the scan showed that the mass had enlarged once again. I could see it myself on the screen. I saw on Doctor O’Keeffe’s face that he was worried about it. He stared intensely at the screen, deep in concentration, as he did his measurements. Thankfully he didn’t mention surgery to me this time, which I was grateful for. We had made up our minds and I didn’t want to open it all up for debate again.
Although Noel had agreed to accept my decision, I knew it didn’t sit well with him. Our truce was fragile and all it would take would be for Doctor O’Keeffe to make another recommendation and the wound would be opened all over again. The good news was that the baby was doing well, they were very happy with its growth and movements and the mass seemed to be having no effect on him or her whatsoever. This brightened my mood considerably and I knew that I had made the right choice.
I didn’t mention it to them but I was starting to feel a lot of pain in my abdomen – pain that I knew wasn’t coming from the baby. I presumed it was from both the baby and the tumour putting pressure on my organs. But I was afraid that if I said anything it would just strengthen the argument for surgery.
The pain got worse over the next few weeks and I was trying to manage as best I could but, when I woke up one Saturday morning and couldn’t even get out of bed, Noel called an ambulance. I could see the look of pure fear and terror on the kids’ faces but I wasn’t able to talk to them. The pain had gripped me while I was being put onto a stretcher and wheeled into the back of the ambulance. Noel held my hand the whole way to the hospital. By the time we got there, the pain had eased off again but even I was frightened by how forceful it had been.
Doctor O’Keeffe was waiting for me as soon as we came through the doors.
“Don’t tell me they called you in on your day off?” I said.
“Never mind that – there’s no such thing as having as a day off in this profession. How are you doing?”
“I’ll survive.”
I couldn’t help but notice a worried look on his face.
He carried out another scan.
“It’s as I suspected, Eva. The mass has enlarged and now, with the pressure of your growing uterus, it is putting pressure on the other internal organs and causing torsion. Without surgery it will continue to get progressively more painful.”
“I’ve come this far, doctor, I’m just heading into the third trimester, I’m on the home stretch, I can’t do it now.”
“I had a feeling you might say that.”
I smiled at him. “We’re getting to know each other very well.”
“What I would suggest, Eva, is that we look at delivering the baby early by Caesarean section and try to debulk as much of the mass as possible at the same time.”
“How early?”
“Well, you’re coming up to twenty-seven weeks now and the pain is just going to get worse. I’d like to keep you in hospital from now on, I’m afraid – there is a risk of placental abruption if the mass continues to get bigger. I am quite keen to get a biopsy of this mass and if the results show that it is cancer, I would be eager to start treatment sooner rather than later. I think thirty-two weeks would be a good time – there is usually a good outcome for babies delivered at this stage in a pregnancy with very few complications – obviously there will be a stay in the special care unit but usually after a few weeks, once they have put on weight, the babies are able to go home.”
“I see.”
“We can give steroid shots for the baby’s lungs to help the foetus to achieve lung maturity.”
“Eva, you have to do it,” said Noel. “I let you make the decision on putting off surgery but, no
w that Doctor O’Keeffe is saying there is a good chance for the baby, then we need to go with what he is recommending. You have a responsibility to the other three as well.”
“Okay. All right.” I was past fighting at that stage.
The next few weeks were tough. I was on a ward with five other women being treated for complications of pregnancy. One was a diabetic, two more had high blood pressure and another woman was being monitored for premature leaking of waters. It was grand to have their company during the long days. There was a TV at the end of the ward but most of the time I was too exhausted to get out of bed to watch it. The pain was awful but there wasn’t much I could take because I was pregnant. It felt as though my organs were being squeezed and twisted inside out. Noel would bring the kids in to see me but I didn’t like them seeing me like this. I could see their worried faces, Kate’s especially. I tried to put on a brave face for them but some days I just didn’t have the energy. Mam would come in and sit with me, her fingers knotted around her rosary beads, moving them swiftly through her fingers, but no matter how much she prayed it didn’t ease up the pain. It didn’t help that it was a warm summer – one of the hottest in years. I could see the colour on Noel’s face from working the land when he would come in to visit me in the evenings. Kate had a sprinkling of freckles across her cheeks and along the bridge of her nose – it reminded me of when she was a little girl. She looked so healthy and beautiful. When I told her that, she had a fit of course – telling me they were the ugliest things and how she had spent hours putting on loads of make-up to cover them up and then I had to go and point them out straight away. I could never say the right thing as far as Kate was concerned.
One day when Noel had taken the boys to the coffee shop to get a sandwich and Kate and I were alone she asked me out straight.
“How serious is it, Mam?”
The Last Goodbye Page 18
