Not because I wanted to marry someone for politics and power, but because if it was good for my people, I was willing to sacrifice. Of course, marrying Crypt would be a much more advantageous marriage for my people. But if Cyril had told me they wanted a political union or they’d attack, I might have said yes. No need for all the bloodshed.
Who am I kidding? I would never agree to such a marriage! It means compromising so much I believe in! I couldn’t do it, and it wouldn’t be better for my people. I’d become a figurehead to the Cyrillian rulers and political figures. Argent would be no more. So it was back to figuring out what game Cyril was playing.
I sighed, sinking into my chair. Piles of paperwork still sat on my desk to be filled out. Why did ruling have to be so hard? All I wanted was to be left alone by now. I was sick of ruling. I never had a moment to be myself, it seemed. No time for weaknesses or doubts. I was supposed to be strong and the best of the best! My people were at war, and their Queen needed to be a strong, independent, thinking woman.
Ha! It was laughable. Independent and thinking, yes. But not strong. In fact, if anything, I was weak, frightened, and confused. I wasn’t ready for this, but I had to do it anyway, and I knew it wouldn’t end well.
I went back to signing paperwork in despair. My mind whirled trying to discover Cyril’s games and intricacies.
The door opened again, and the page once more walked into my audience chamber.
“My Lady?”
“What, Oswald?” I was feeling slightly snappish now, and my voice took on an edge.
His face went pale. “Sorry, My Lady, but the Court Wizard wishes to see you.”
I sighed. “Very well, Oswald. Show him in.”
What did Crypt want? I was too busy figuring out my problems to try to figure out what he could want. I’d given up thinking about us. He’d made it clear that he didn’t want any marriage between us until after the war. Why he was being that way, I still couldn’t divine, but I didn’t feel like figuring that out either.
When we were in private, he was still affectionate. He would kiss me, but he seemed somewhat distant, as though his mind was preoccupied and he didn’t really think that he should be kissing me. And maybe he shouldn’t have. But I wasn’t the one who was going to start a fuss just because he kissed me.
Oswald backed out, bowing to me.
I turned back to my paperwork, my stomach knotting and hands shaking.
This war was bad for me and everyone else. It was putting all of us on the last pittance of patience, but especially me.
Well, why not? It rested on my thin shoulders to figure this whole mess out. And I wasn’t strong enough.
Why was it that people seemed always to put their hope in the frailest part of the defense? Foolishness. It was the best way to lose a war.
Crypt walked in. He took one look at my face and sighed.
“What did you come for, Crypt?” I sat down in my chair, looking at him.
He seemed to falter a little. I wondered why briefly, but maybe he was just surprised to see me so disheartened. It must show on my face for him to react the way he had when he first walked in.
“Are you okay?” He frowned.
“No. I’m not.” I retorted.
“What’s wrong?” His calm in the face of my snippiness was admirable.
I wanted to stop snapping at him. I loved him, and I didn’t want to behave badly towards him. He wasn’t the reason I was upset anyway. He just happened to be there when I was upset.
“Things aren’t going well with this war.” I stood up again, unable to stay still.
I started pacing, but Crypt’s gentle hands on my shoulders stopped me.
“You’re obviously really worked up, Dairdra.” He whispered. “Take a deep breath, and then try to calm down. Tell me what’s wrong.” He started rubbing the tension out of my shoulders.
I didn’t move away. It felt good to let him massage the ache and cramp out of my shoulders. I hadn’t even realized how tense my shoulders were until he’d started helping me relax.
There was a slight buzz against my skin. I yelped a bit and moved forward abruptly in shock.
“What are you doing?” I turned to look at him.
He smiled. “You have to stand still. I’m using a bit of magic to help release the tension. What have you been doing all day to get so tense and worked up?”
“Paperwork.” My baleful glare told him all he needed to know.
“I see.” He moved back to working on my shoulders.
This time when I felt the buzzing on my shoulders and tingling down my body, I didn’t move away. I knew what it was this time, and it wasn’t a surprise. Actually, it felt wonderful, and I wished I could do this on myself some days. Unfortunately, magic didn’t usually work on its wielder. Only a few spells did, and I didn’t know what they were.
I sighed. “Cyril’s forces have nearly reached the palace. They’re a week away. General Orin doesn’t know if he can hold them or not. He thinks he can, but who knows… They breached one of our outposts and we didn’t know until it was too late. We know which one it is now, but there’s no way to fix the problem.
“Cyril’s dumping people into Argent at will. I have to send more men to that outpost to take it, but they’re already well-fortified, and I don’t have the men! We’re spread too thin. I’ve been doing my best by visiting all the outposts I can and raining whatever attack magic I know on Cyril’s forces. But I’m not that strong, and I can’t do much before I pass out from exhaustion. I have to be careful. I’m so useless to everyone!”
“Shhh…” Crypt whispered. “You aren’t useless. You’re one of the smartest strategists I’ve ever known, and even if you don’t know it, I know you can do this.”
“I can’t.” I started to cry.
I hated everything going on at this point. I hated Cyril, myself, everyone around me for expecting that I could do something about the impossible situation we were in. Of all the foolishness! Picking a girl to be queen, and then throwing her into a war with a greedy, over-reaching king. Who did that? My country, apparently. Or rather, the Council that helped to run the country.
Crypt gently pushed me down into one of the chairs in the room. He pulled another one over next to me, and sat there, arms around me.
I’d wet so many of his shirts with my tears. And I was doing it again. I really needed to stop crying, but I couldn’t. Everything was awful, and he was the only one I felt I could be honest with. With everyone else, I had to put on a face that wasn’t me. I had to be something that I wasn’t. With Crypt, all he wanted was me. Not some fake, but the real me. And I’d been letting him see it, bad parts and all.
He’d seen so many of my tears by then that he must have thought I could never laugh.
“You can, Dairdra.” His voice was still gentle and quiet, but now it was more insistent.
I shook my head, wondering if he’d read my thoughts and wiping away my tears. “How can you think that when every time we talk in private like this, I start crying?”
“You do not. And besides, I can think it because I’ve seen it. You were the only reason your mother survived. And you were admirably calm while you were dealing with your father’s death.”
“I was not! You saw what happened as soon as we weren’t around anyone else.”
“That is expected. No one can be composed one-hundred percent of the time. The important part is that you have remained strong when it mattered. You’ve done what needed doing when it needed doing. You didn’t hide or run when bad things happened. You looked sorrow straight in the eye, laughed at it, and commanded it to leave. And for the period of time that you needed it to, it did leave. As for danger, you’ve stared it down and straight into the dirt.”
I shook my head. My soft laugh was bitter. “I haven’t stared anything down. We’re all going to die.”
He looked stricken for some reason. Was my bitterness that hurtful to him?
“You aren’t going to die.” He
whispered. “I promise.”
“Sure, you can control that.” I snorted.
His jaw muscle tightened a little like it did when he was nervous or upset. I gave him a narrow-eyed glance. “You can’t control it, Crypt.”
“Yeah, I guess I can’t. But I’ll do everything I can to be sure it turns out that way. You know that, right?” He wouldn’t meet my gaze.
What was wrong with him? Why had he become so strange and closed lately? Something wasn’t level, but I couldn’t begin to guess what. He’d been my closest friend for years, and no one had ever been a closer friend to me than he. What could he possibly be hiding from me?
“Crypt? What are you hiding?”
He bit his lip slightly. “I’m not hiding anything.”
“Yes, you are. You only bite your lip when you’re nervous, and you always meet people’s gazes when speaking to them. So you’re lying if you’re really going to tell me you aren’t hiding anything.” I put two fingers under his chin and tipped his face so I could look at his eyes. He didn’t resist.
What I saw there was confusing. His eyes were full of torture and pain. He didn’t look like he’d been sleeping well, either. Why hadn’t I noticed that? I needed to stop being so wrapped up in myself and pay attention to other people. If I didn’t notice something was wrong with my best friend, there was obviously something wrong with me.
His eyes… They looked almost… guilty. But what would he be guilty of?
“What did you do?” I murmured, searching his face.
He looked away from me, and I let my hand drop to my lap.
“I didn’t do anything. What makes you think I did?” His voice sounded contrite, which contradicted his statement.
I sighed. “Fine. Don’t tell me. But know this, whatever it is, if you ever want help or can admit you need it, I’ll do whatever I can.”
“Thanks.” His weak smile followed the quiet declaration of how wrong things were.
Something was going on. He’d thanked me for my offer of support. If something truly wasn’t wrong, Crypt would have laughed my offer off and told me he didn’t need help because nothing was wrong. The fact that he hadn’t done this convinced me something was wrong. But I couldn’t figure out what.
Had he broken something? Was it his sister causing the grief I’d seen in his eyes? Could it be me? That thought was nearly unbearable. That I could cause so much grief to such a dear friend broke my heart. I desperately hoped that wasn’t what it was.
“So what did you come to tell me?” I shifted closer to him.
“Nothing. I didn’t come to tell you anything.”
“Yes, you did.” Anger roiled within me.
Why was he doing this? Why wouldn’t he come clean and tell me what was wrong? What had he come for?
“I guess… I just wanted to see you, really. I came to see how you were holding up. But as soon as I saw your face, I had my answer. And after this little talk, I guess my question was answered.”
I stroked his upturned hand. “So what was the answer?” I whispered.
“You aren’t holding up.” He whispered back. “But you’re going to make it anyway. I just know it. So I’m just worried about how much of you will be left. How much of the girl I know and love will be left?” His tone was pained.
“That girl’s still there, Crypt. She’s just changed a little. I’m still me. But I can’t go through this war unchanged. Surely you know that?”
“I know that.” His voice was heavy. “I’m just afraid I’ll lose you forever.”
I frowned. “You won’t lose me forever! Why would you think that, anyway? We’ll be married after the war, and things will be normal again.”
“No, they won’t.” He laughed, tone cynical. “Things will never be normal again. Not the way we knew normal. Normal will be gone. For the next generation, whatever the war’s outcome brings will be normal. But for us?” He shook his head. “It’ll never be normal.”
I knew he was right, but I refused to admit it. My normal world could be brought back. I would force it to come back. “That’s not true. It’ll all go back to normal. I promise.”
He looked up at me, eyes haunted. “Stop lying to yourself and denying the truth. Things will never be normal again. And if they are for you, they will still never be so for me.”
I hugged him like he’d hugged me, tears sparkling in my eyes. His pain was so clear now, so poignant and dangerous that it threatened to suck me in. “It’ll all be fine. Everything will go back to normal. I know it will.” My words were hollow though. I didn’t believe that anymore. I had at the beginning of the war. But I couldn’t now.
His arms went around me too. We comforted each other in silence.
A few moments passed, and then Crypt said, “I hope for your sake that things do go back to normal.”
He pulled away from me, and strode out of the room. He didn’t glance back. I sat there, staring after him as Oswald closed the door behind him.
My heart wept tears of blood to remember how tortured his eyes had been. What could cause such despair, such pain? Such distress was unnatural. It couldn’t be caused just by this war. I sat dazed in the chair, unmoving. Nothing made sense anymore. Me and Crypt included.
Chapter 10: Dairdra
I was out on the front lines again helping the soldiers and encouraging those I could when the news came.
A messenger came running up to me, puffing. “My Lady! One of the court magicians sent me with news! The Council told me to tell you that your mother has woken.”
I started. My mother had woken up?
She’d woken up!
I had my mother back, and I didn’t have to deal with this war anymore. I wouldn’t be Queen anymore if she was able to rule. I was going back to normal!
I gave a gasp of surprise before composing myself. “Thank you, sir. You may tell the council that I will have the Court Wizard transport me back immediately.”
The messenger nodded and danced off. Everyone within earshot was smiling at me and each other. There wasn’t a single person who wasn’t as thrilled as I that my mother was better and awake. Suddenly, the sun felt warmer, brighter, and I felt an immense thrill of relief. I lifted my arms to the sun, not caring that people were watching, and spun in a giddy circle, laughing.
The soldiers stared at me wide-eyed for a moment, but then they laughed too, and soon the courtyard of the fort was filled with laughing and dancing people. Every one of my countrymen joined me in delight at that moment. I finally stopped spinning; my cheeks flushed with the cold air and tears from the wind stung my eyes. But I didn’t care.
All I could think of was my mother. Would she be able to talk to me? Was she completely coherent now? I couldn’t wait to see her.
I ran into Crypt’s temporary lodging where he was sleeping while off duty. I shook him awake. “Crypt! Crypt, get up.”
He woke with a start, gazing around with frightened, confused eyes. But it cast little shadow on my ecstasy.
Finally, his eyes landed on me, and he realized who I was. He rubbed his eyes, trying to wake up, and yawned. “What? Why did you wake me up like that? What’s so urgent that it required taking away my sleep?”
“My mother’s awake! She came out of her coma. Crypt, we have to leave now. We’re going back to see her. I’m going to see her, and she’s going to be alright!” I laughed, almost beginning to dance again as I waited for him to say something.
“She’s awake? That’s great!” He grinned, suddenly alert.
He stood up, brushing wrinkles out of his shirt and pants from sleeping.
“I know. She’s going to be okay!” I threw my arms around his neck, still laughing.
He pried me off him, laughing too. “Yeah. That’s great, Dairdra. But please, calm down. I’ll let the commander here know that we’ll be leaving earlier than we had thought due to an emergency back home. I need to come back here though once you’re safely dropped off.”
My expression darkened. “Why? T
his outpost is quiet. Cyril isn’t even near this place. The men just needed encouraging, so I came to visit. That’s all.”
Crypt nodded. “They need me to finish some magical barriers and traps around this. They’ve received reports that Cyril’s soldiers are moving towards this outpost because it’s smaller and they hope to breach it easily like they did the last one.”
I nodded, understanding. “So you’re charming this fort into a surprise for them, then?”
He grinned. “Now you get it.”
I sighed. “Very well. I guess you have to come back here. I’d hoped you’d be with me, but if it comes down to my selfish wishes and my people’s lives, obviously, their lives come first. How long will you be gone?”
“Maybe a week left before I finish the charms and traps I’ve begun. I want to be sure this place can’t be breached like the last one was.”
I grimaced. “I see. Well, I guess I’ll see you again after the week is out.”
“Unless something drastic happens, yes.” He smiled down at me.
I wrapped my arms around him, kissing him. I was so giddy with the news I wasn’t even thinking about the soldiers standing outside the door. I heard laughing and whispering, and I abruptly let go of Crypt and moved away.
The soldiers were still laughing covertly and glancing at us, but they moved off. They didn’t seem to disapprove of my affection for Crypt or my display of joy.
“Sorry.” I muttered to Crypt, cheeks going rosy red.
“It’s fine. Just… Next time you want to kiss me, do it in private, please. For the sake of your reputation and mine, it would be best you didn’t give people any wrong ideas.” He murmured.
I nodded. “I know. I won’t let it happen again. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
He grinned, shaking his head at me. “You weren’t thinking at all.”
I blushed a darker shade of red, laughing too at my own foolishness. “I suppose that’s true.”
“If you had been thinking, that wouldn’t have occurred.” He smiled at me.
In Darkness Lost Page 7
