by Stahl, Shey
“No, I’m not.” I tasted the salt from my tears when they ran over my lips. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
I heard Dylan’s GTO before I saw it, as did my dad, his anger flared. “That son of a bitch just doesn’t quit.”
He had no idea. I looked to Drew who stood beside me now, reached for me knowing I would run to him. “Stay back Bailey. Dylan is not something to get in the way of, especially not now.”
My hands shook as did the rest of my body, so badly that I could barely move or breathe without wanting to scream. I felt trapped, like the world was ending right in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it. My heartbeat was in my stomach, racing, wanting to run to him.
Dylan pulled next to my dad’s car and stepped out. With his hands in his pockets, his head was down focused on the pavement. Memories from last night flashed behind my eyes when I closed them.
With his fatherly demeanor, my dad stepped to him but I couldn’t hear his words with my heart beating and I know his words were threatening and forbidding.
To anyone else, it may seem like my dad had the upper hand in this situation. He was older and louder than Dylan, smarter, maybe but not analytical like Dylan. He’s the mayor. He’s a father, my father, my protector. He was feared and respected by our entire community. But that’s his world.
It wasn’t the world Dylan and I had created this summer, not the world we know, not the love we know. Dylan didn’t have to shout, or use his razor sharp words or cuss or hit to get his point across unless he wanted to.
He could fuck you up with one look. I’d been on the receiving end of that look before.
As my dad spoke, walking closer, Dylan finally looked up at my dad and smirked.
The gesture sent my dad over the edge he was barely teetering on. “You little shit. You think this is a fucking joke, don’t you?”
Dylan’s eyes found mine. My dad didn’t see it, his back was to me. His eyes lingered my way before slowly shifting back to Jeff, challenging but relaxed.
They exchanged a few more words, nothing I could hear and it made me want to get closer.
Dylan held his hands up, as if surrendering. He shook his head and looked down, ignoring harsh words. Then my dad pushed him against his car.
“Dad!” I screamed fighting against Drew who was holding onto me. “Stop it, leave him alone!”
Dylan stumbled back against the car but didn’t fall. My dad pushed again, this time Dylan fell to one knee, catching himself with his hands against the car.
My sight blurred from the tears, my thoughts lost on anything but Dylan as my dad pushed him again. This time Dylan laughed and used his car, his hand on the door handle supporting him.
My dad had Dylan backed into a corner but stepped back long enough for him to react, holding his hand in the hair speaking but not yelling.
That’s when Dylan looked at me. “Everything is fine brown eyes, get in the car with Drew,” he said, his hands trembling.
My dad asked him a question, but I couldn’t hear it. Dylan paced, spewing the answer and looking around as if he wanted to escape. “I need to speak to Bailey, Jeff.” Dylan’s voice rose but kept a calm mask.
“You’re not going anywhere near my daughter again,” my dad replied, shoving Dylan back when he tried to move past him.
Dylan looked at me and spit blood on the pavement before meeting my father’s stare. “Do you think you can keep me away from her?” he asked, smirking condescendingly. “You haven’t done a great job so far, mayor. She’s been on my dick all summer and you couldn’t stop that, could you?”
My dad grabbed Dylan by his shirt and then slammed his knee into his stomach. Dylan fell, hard, the wind knocked out of him, coughing and gasping for air.
In true Dylan form, he recovered quickly, laughing as he kept his eyes on me.
I lost it. No one could touch Dylan like that. No one. I didn’t care that he was my father, he wasn’t going to hurt Dylan.
Eddy held his hands up and let me go, backing away as if to say go for it.
Dylan stood slowly, rising to his full height and bounced a few times, shaking out his hands and twisted his head from side to side. “Don’t fuck with me, Jeff.” His voice was low and commanding for the boy he was, his posture violent.
“What are you going to do about it, kid?”
Dylan’s smirk was crooked, condescending and menacing, promising but not threatening. He was relaxed, surprisingly. Moments passed where my mind shifted through more memories and moments.
Dylan was back on his feet, yelling at my dad. I was pounding my fists into his back, trying to get him to stop, screaming, crying, all of it.
As if Dylan’s patience had ran out, he stepped forward. You could see my dad tense. I think he knew then what Dylan was capable of. “That girl will always be mine,” he motioned to me with a tip to his bloodshot eyes. “You can take her away but you can’t take my memories. You can take my mom, Bailey, my life but they are my memories!” he screamed until his voice gave and then he cried.
My heart was beating irrational love, reckless and dangerous love that knew bleeding colors.
My dad stood near his car, one hand on the door, the other pointing at me. “You’ve fucked your life up Bailey.” He was done, finally done fighting. He knew by the look in my innocent eyes that I wouldn’t go with and I wouldn’t forgive him. “He will destroy everything you had going for you.”
He left.
Some might say what the fight was for if he gave up but those were the people that never fought Dylan Wade.
He wouldn’t give in. He wouldn’t back down from this. Not when Jeff Gray had taken everything from him already.
23. Dangerous Love – Bailey Gray
Dylan and I were two kids who fell hopelessly in love one summer, or maybe it happened when we were younger but never knew it. Our intentions were not vindictive. Although we accepted we probably would, Dylan and I never wanted to hurt anyone let alone ourselves. But dangerous love, jealousy and spitefulness changed a lot of things. Our circumstances made true liars out of us, and turned our innocent love into dangerous love.
Somewhere along the lines, it shifted and I couldn’t tell you where or when that happened.
We were back at Drew’s house.
Dylan met me halfway down the driveway. He was crying, slowly, slightly and barely noticeable to anyone but me. Sliding one hand behind my neck and one against my cheek, he pulled me close until out foreheads touched. He brought my hand to his cheek, leaning into my palm, he closed his eyes and breathed. “Brown eyes,” he whispered breathlessly, his tears fell, mine fell, ultimately, we fell, together.
Dylan smiled with a sweetness I knew well now. “I remember the first I ever saw you, brown eyes. I think about that shit all the time.” He pressed our lips together. “I loved you then, you know that, right? We were only three but I loved you then.”
I nodded knowing he did, hot tears rolled down my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” I said, moving closer. Dylan’s hand fell from my face, to my shoulder, and slid down my arm.
“My heart will always be with you,” he cried, choking on his words. He knew what this was.
I remembered his words. “Tell me a secret Dylan, something you’ve never told anyone else.”
“I love you.”
He was barely moving, barely breathing, waiting for me to say something.
I stared at the ground trying to process everything but I couldn’t think.
He hugged me and kissed down the side of my face with wet lips. “Do you have any idea how hard it is not to throw you in my car right now?” he smiled, he studied me, candlelight contagious warming smile. I wanted this moment to last forever.
He looked down before meeting my eyes, his face expressionless like he was attempting to turn off any emotion he had, or didn’t want to have.
Dylan cleared his throat and looked at me. Breathing through his noise, his eyebrows drawn together and his chin quivered. “Say s
omething.”
I couldn’t.
This was the worst pain I had ever felt but also numbing, like I was dying.
It was hard to believe that there would be no way around this. No matter what way I looked at this, I would wonder what life held for me. And I don’t mean with anyone else. I meant for me, with me. I didn’t know myself and this situation, the conversations with my dad, my sunrise and sunset proved that.
Dylan wasn’t a rebound or distraction. No. He couldn’t be. Not Dylan. Like I said, you don’t just fall for someone like Dylan Wade. You bleed for someone like Dylan Wade.
We had the best of intentions and maybe the way we got together was vindictive, spite, a way out, the way we loved wasn’t. It was as pure as a snow covered lake. We loved. We made memories.
Our love was dangerous.
It was asking me to come with him.
It was “South it is, brown eyes.”
It was dancing in the rain on the hood of his car.
It was making dents that only we knew.
It was living in the moment and making memories and deals.
It was being in love and having your heart ripped from your chest. Here you take it, I don’t want it anymore. It was that kind of shit.
It was “Please don’t do this, not here.”
It was here me now, listen to me.
It was waiting, I waited, and we waited. Nothing.
It was remembering every detail, everything that made him Dylan Wade and remembering nothing at all.
My silence spoke volumes and I could tell it made him angry. “Say something!”
“This can’t work.”
“You believe that?” he hissed in my face jerking my chin up so I would meet his eyes.
“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Dylan.”
“Please don’t do this,” Dylan groaned running his hands down his face and letting go of me. “I would wait forever for you but don’t tell me it’s over, please.”
“It’s over.” A sharp sting of pain radiated throughout my body, my heart, my soul when I said that.
“You know that it breaks my fucking heart that I didn’t tell you what I knew.” His face contoured into an unbearable amount of agony and he turned away, pulling his hands through his hair. “Fuck,” he whispered painfully.
I grabbed the collar of his shirt and cried into his chest like I’ve never cried before.
The absolute worst part was when he let me go. Our eyes met and they stay locked for a moment, remembering, loving, and never forgetting.
Dylan reached up and twirled a lock of my hair between his fingers. He watched dark ginger dance in his hand before letting it fall.
I hugged him tighter and exhaled breathing out the breath I had been holding. I lifted my head and rested my chin on his chest, looking up at him.
He didn’t smile. “I’ll always remember this, with you,” he said attempting to smile but it didn’t touch the pain in his eyes.
“I will too…but I need to do this Dylan. I can’t give you my heart when I don’t know myself.”
It hurt to watch but harder to look away as he took in what I was saying. I could tell my words were hurting him, but he looked somewhat resolved when he responded. “Will you promise me something?”
I nodded.
Dylan ran his hand over my hair and kept his eyes on mine. “Keep our memories what they are, ours.”
I buried my head in his chest savoring the connection I knew would be gone once we broke apart. I wasn’t trying to choke back the tears any longer and neither was Dylan.
“I’ll never be sorry,” he said slowly, his breath on my ear. I squeezed my eyes shut, hot tears poured as I swallowed his words. Then he let go and created distance raising his hands to cup my face in his hands. “I love you, please remember that,” he whispered tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear. “Half of me will always be with you, barely breathing, watching your sunset.” Removing my hand from around his neck, he kissed my knuckles and then let my hand fall.
Before I had a chance to say anything, Dylan removed himself his eyes casted down hidden from mine. He walked away. Hands in his pockets, face down, he walked away.
Some people never consider the ramifications of a lie. After a while, a lie can become what you believe as if it was never a lie. You’re floating in between reality and fiction.
The problem is if you keep that lie to yourself, eventually it will eat at you.
I also knew that everything in lie was two sided. That’s why I waited for Dylan to explain. My dad told me once, though he never believed his own words, that the world had two sides.
Everything had two sides. The world, relationships, lies, love, all two sided. Assuming you know both sides, whether it be in a relationship or a lie, you can easily make a complete ass out of yourself.
I had a desire inside of me, something dark and unpredictable. The problem was that I forgot about me that summer.
There was a reason why I got in the car that day. And there was a reason why he asked me to come.
But there was a reason why I left too.
When I looked back at him, it was harder than I thought it would be.
Dylan once asked me if I was the same person when others weren’t looking as I was when they were. I didn’t know who I was when they were looking.
Every memory I had that was about me, was tied to Dylan in some way. He knew me and it was the only way he let me walk away from him that afternoon.
The thing was, you experience life and you’re forced to deal with it. Like it or not, it happened and you deal with it.
That’s the deal.
24. Regrets – Dylan Wade
I had regrets. Fucking crushing regrets but I had the chance to change it and didn’t. That’s my shit. No one else’s.
But after nearly trying to kill myself by drowning my sorrows, my brother let me in on a secret. Get the fuck off my couch was his secret. So I did.
When Bailey left, Megan took her to the airport and she went home for all I knew. It was none of my business and probably better that I didn’t know. I lost her. Simple as that. Another fucking regret.
Eddy lived in Seattle. I went there when Drew told me to get on with my life. I would have stayed in Birmingham but I missed my friends in Seattle. I went there instead.
Eddy got me into music more, a welcomed distraction. I had a steady gig with him at a string local bars.
Eddy was what I needed, he didn’t put up with my shitty attitude and temper, and he kept me grounded in music. The first time I ever heard him play, I was young. He played Hurricane acoustic, eyes closed and played the shit out of the song. I had fucking goose bumps at eight-years-old and was hooked.
Eddy, my mom’s older brother, taught Drew and I how to play the guitar and anything else we wanted to know musically. He played in a band when he was younger, they made it big and then he just walked away when they were on tour. It wasn’t long after my mom died, that had something to do with it, but it wasn’t Eddy’s thing either. He enjoyed the music, not the life.
After my mom died, I spent a summer with Eddy and it changed my life a lot.
Eddy wasn’t married and if you ever met him, you completely understood why. He was a dick.
His mom was a Russian Jew and if you asked my dad, she was completely crazy.
Eddy played the guitar, like me, and always had Bob Dylan playing. As a kid, I thought that was pretty cool given my name. Apparently, my mom named me after him.
Eddy and I would play Beatles and Stone songs all night long. That’s when I knew I wanted to be a musician, to an extent.
That led me back to Seattle to do it the right way. By October, I had a place to stay and a steady gig. But I wasn’t over her. I wouldn’t say I straightened up after she left, Drew would tell you differently, but I had distractions.
People do stupid shit when they’re tossed. I did some stupid shit. Spent some time in jail, a few nights, and Eddy had to tell me to stop fucki
ng up.
So there I was becoming a fucking stoner and well on my way to fucking up big time when I met Silas at a gig we played in Beltown. Pretty much the worst influence ever.
Drugs don’t kill people. People kill themselves by becoming addicted to the shit. Using kills people. Drew was proof of that. Though he didn’t die, he got pretty fucking close more than once.
I was on my way there after she left. Regrets, they could kill you and make you do stupid shit. I believed that.
Drugs didn’t kill you. They fucked you up.
That’s how I met Silas, drugs. Silas, a bassist guitar player, was a crazy son of a bitch. Fucking crazy but I dug it. He was unpredictable too. You never knew when he’d show up. Our lists had to change nightly because we didn’t know if we’d have our bassist player that night until five minutes before the show. I did two set lists each night. One marked Silas and one marked Wade.
Silas had apparently graduated from Berkley and majored in Botany. Strange dude and smoked too much of his own shit.
It may sound like Silas was a bastard. He was but when he wasn’t high or picking fights, he had a big heart and would say things like, “Hey man, you need to get whatever girl that ripped out that heart of yours and made you play this bullshit.
The thing was, he was right. It was shit music.
He’d ask me, “What’s your deal?”
What was my deal?
It was about taking charge of my career, playing the music I wanted to play, where I wanted to play, and not seeing overpriced ticket sales.
Sometimes I woke up in the morning and reached for her. She wasn’t there. It’s a strange moment when you wake up in the morning and for a brief moment, nothing is what it was. And then you realize that nothing will ever be the same and probably never will be.
Everyone knows if you want to control someone completely, take what they love. You want power over them, take what they love. You want revenge, take what they love. You want anything, take what they love.
