by Gia Riley
She narrows her eyes. I’m usually more composed than this. She’s the one who squirms. But I’m so close to having her where I want her, and I’m scared once her stuff is packed, she’ll realize she made a mistake.
“I was just saying we’re both leaving tomorrow and then we’ll be back New Year’s Eve, right?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“That’s what I want,” she tells me. “It’ll be weird not seeing you every day. I’m so used to it.”
She’s not the only one. “I plan on seeing you over break, Zo. Our parents live across the street from each other.”
She picks up a stuffed bear, one I gave her last Valentine’s Day and hugs it. “It’s okay if you’re busy. We don’t have to hang out.”
I catch her glancing at an old picture of her mom and dad on the desk, and it’s obvious she’s afraid to go home. The holidays haven’t been easy since her mom died. Five years may seem like a long time, but when you have a lifetime of memories, it never stops feeling like yesterday.
“Just call me, Zo. When you need a break or want to escape, I’ll come get you.”
“Thank you,” she whispers. “You always know what I’m thinking.”
“That’s what best friends are for, right?” The friend zone has been the bane of my existence ever since I put myself in it. I wouldn’t have done it had I known it’d be this hard to climb back out.
“Right,” she says with a shaky voice. “Friends.”
“Just keep your distance from Chaz.” Part of me is joking and the other is serious. I don’t trust him, or Keely. It’s hard enough for Zoe to say no to her sister, she doesn’t need him weighing her down even more.
“That won’t be a problem,” she says as she sits on the edge of the bed. “He’s not my type at all. I don’t get why he likes me.”
“What is your type? You mentioned in the car you wanted to date. What are you looking for?” It’s as close as I can get to asking her to pick me.
“I don’t know. You’re pickier than I’d ever be.”
“What do you like, Zo? You’ve had a long time to think about it.” Maybe this conversation was a bad idea. Because if she mentions someone opposite of me, it’ll ruin any hope I had for us.
I can see the wheels turning inside her head, so I tape up one of her boxes so it’s less awkward. If I stay busy, she might be more willing to talk.
“Honesty.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I glance over my shoulder and find her staring at me. Zoe knows me better than I know myself, and everything about her body language is begging me to open up to her.
Maybe she knows how I feel.
Maybe I’ve been more obvious than I thought.
Yet I still can’t do it. Because what if she turns me down? What’ll I do then?
“Honesty is good,” I tell her. “What else?”
Something shifts between us and she stands. “I’m awkward most of the time, so I need someone who’s easy to talk to. Someone who won’t judge me when I ramble about class or try to talk me out of becoming a doctor because it costs too much or takes too much of my time. I can be naïve, so someone who won’t make fun of me, and will protect me.”
With half a laugh, she says, “I think I just described you.”
She did. I’m what she wants and I’m right here, begging myself to make her mine.
As quickly as the notion hit her, she dismisses it, afraid to even look at me.
Maybe she’s as afraid of rejection as I am. That for some crazy reason I won’t want her, even though she’s the only thing I think about.
We’re both quiet while I gather the smaller boxes. When I have as much as I can carry, I decide it’s time to go.
“Call me when you get there.” It’s not a long drive back home, but with Keely behind the wheel, I’ll always worry. That girl has a need for speed.
“I will,” she says with a shy smile. “Thanks for taking my stuff.”
“No problem.” When I glance back at her, she’s leaning against the doorway, watching me leave. “And stay out of trouble. Punch Chaz in the gonads if you have to.”
That earns me one of her pretty smiles and I almost drop the boxes.
“Consider it done. Be safe, Dylan.”
“Always.”
I lean the boxes against the wall and push the elevator button. It takes a second for the doors to open, but before I step inside, I have to tell her one more thing. “Hey, Zo.”
“Yeah?”
“I would have described you, too.”
Zoe
My head is still spinning, I’m dizzy, and I can’t get out of bed.
I would have described you, too.
I’ve replayed the moment over and over to the point I barely slept last night. No matter how many times I opened and closed my eyes, the only thing I could picture was Dylan.
His nervous yet confident words flowed in one ear, lit me on fire, and never escaped my heart. All the not-so-subtle comments he’s been making made sense and I realized my best friend, my Dylan, might want me as much as I want him.
I’ve tried to ignore my feelings, doing everything in my power to convince myself that if it didn’t work for Dylan and Keely, surely it wouldn’t work with us.
We’re twins.
Sisters.
Best friends who fight about everything.
But I’m reminded that Keely and I are two different people. Anyone who knows us can see that with little effort.
Different or not, there’s still one little fact I can’t overlook. Okay, a couple.
Why did Dylan pick Keely first?
What did he see in her that he couldn’t find in me?
And if he knows me so well, why can’t he just tell me how he feels?
Last night was the closest he’s ever come to admitting the truth, and now with winter break on our heels, there’s plenty of time for him to change his mind. Like every other year, his family will spend part of the holiday at the cabin, and then he’ll come back to town and expect to see me. As confused as I am, I’ll let him, because I can’t spend Christmas without Dylan.
But this year, I can’t wait a week to talk to him. I can’t live another day in limbo, and I need to get out of bed and dial his number.
Maybe it’s a sign from Mom because before I press his name in my list of contacts, Keely barrels into my room. I’ve been so preoccupied I never locked the door after Dylan left. Or bothered to set my alarm clock.
She pauses when she notices I’m still in bed. “Why aren’t you ready to leave? You’re always ready.”
“Give me a minute to shower.”
“Are you sick?”
“I’m fine. Just stayed up too late.” I grab my towel and hurry toward the showers before she makes sense of my strange mood.
She follows me and if I can’t get her off my back, I’ll end up blabbing more than I’m ready to admit. Keely can’t know about Dylan—ever.
“Zo, what’s going on?”
“Nothing. I was packing and lost track of time. Before I knew it, I was up half the night.”
“Oh, okay,” she says in a nervous tone. “I thought maybe Chaz stopped by, but I guess he’s waiting until we’re home to talk to you.”
“Talk to me? He knows better than to show up unannounced.” The last time he did, I sent him away without even opening the door. I was too nervous and scared to have a conversation.
That was before I gained confidence and had an arsenal of tactics to keep him away. You don’t mess with a future doctor who loves chemistry.
Twenty minutes later, I’m showered, dressed, and rolling my suitcase behind me. Keely still isn’t saying a lot, and she looks like she was partying all night. The dark circles and puffy eyes give her away.
We only make it to the elevators before she breaks down. “Zoe,” she says as she sniffles. “I messed up. And you’ll be mad about it.”
At least once a week Keely screws up. That’s why I rub her back and l
et her get everything out. She won’t be able to move on until she does. “What happened this time?”
“Don’t say it like that,” she groans.
“Like what?”
“Like, I’m always screwing up.” She leans against the elevator wall and closes her eyes. For a minute I think she doesn’t want to talk about it. Two seconds later, she’s glaring.
“What?”
“It’s all your fault. Why did you do that to Chaz?”
“My fault?” I don’t have a clue what she’s accusing me of, but I fight her on it anyway, because that’s what we do. She blames me and I plead my case. “I was in my room packing all night.”
“If you would have given him a chance, I wouldn’t have been alone with him last night. But you think you’re too good for him, and now everything’s all messed up.” She rubs her palm over her breast bone like she’s in physical pain.
The elevator doors part on the lobby level and I roll my bag around her because I did nothing wrong. I’m sure of it.
I turn around when I realize she’s lagging, unable to put one foot in front of the other. Once she catches up, I guide her toward the car. “Keely, I love you, but someday you’ll need to take responsibility for your actions and stop blaming me.”
Dylan told me to stand up for myself. I figure today is a good day to start, but my words only make her cry harder. The gentle flow of tears morphs into sobs until she’s shaking.
“What’d you do?” I ask her as calmly as possible.
“C-Chaz. I did Chaz.”
“You didn’t.” I want to ask her what she was thinking. I’m even curious if it was any good. Does she like him? Because if my sister wants Chaz, I’ll stop saying bad things about him. I might even help her.
“Were you drunk?”
She shakes her head and stares at the ground in shame. “I wish we were drunk. At least then there’d be a logical explanation, but we both knew what we were doing.”
I open the car door and help Keely into the seat. Crouching down in front of her, I hand her a tissue. “So let me get this straight. You wanted to have sex with him. He wanted to have sex with you, but it was the worst mistake of your life?”
“Yes, Zoe. The absolute worst decision I’ve ever made.”
“Why?”
“It was a bad decision because I like him,” she says in the dreamiest voice I’ve ever heard. Keely doesn’t do dreamy. “Really, really like him.”
“It’s okay to like him.”
“Is it?”
“Yes, but why did you throw him at me if you wanted to date him yourself?”
“Because I like him,” she says again, like she’s telling me the world is round and the sky is blue.
My head’s spinning, and it’s only ten o’clock in the morning. “I’m not following. When you like someone, don’t you want to keep them for yourself?”
At least that’s how I feel about Dylan. God, I can’t believe I’m thinking that, but I am.
“I’m me, Zoe. I don’t fall in love. I fall in lust a million times a year.”
“Then we need to change that. As soon as we get home, find Chaz and tell him how you feel. Chances are, he’ll feel the same way. You slept together.”
“I wish it were that easy, Zo, but guys hook up all the time without wanting more. It’s how their species operate.”
“He’ll want more,” I tell her. “He will.” I can’t tell if I’m trying to convince myself or her, because my life is just as crazy.
Will Dylan want to keep me? Or is this just about sex?
“You’re the only person I’d want as a twin, Zoe. You’re the best big sister ever.”
“I’m only three minutes older than you.”
“Those three minutes were precious. You took every good brain cell with you.”
She doesn’t give herself enough credit. If she studied as much as I do, she’d be going to medical school, too.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask her, hoping we can get on the road before the traffic gets too heavy.
“Yeah, but there’s one tiny detail I left out. It could be a game changer.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, the sex was amazing. Like off the charts in every way possible.”
“Okay, what’s the problem then?”
“When he came, he called me Zoe. He yelled your name instead of mine.”
Dylan
Before I leave for break, I move one last box into the new place. When Zoe gets back, I want everything to be here. So that when she walks through the front door, she’ll feel like she’s home.
Just as I set the box on the floor, my phone vibrates. I smile when I see Zoe’s name on the screen.
Zoe: Are you sitting down?
Dylan: Moving boxes. Do I need to sit?
Zoe: Definitely.
I sit on the edge of the ottoman and wonder where she’s going with this. All night long, I worried she’d shy away from me, or that I’d have to be the one to contact her first. But here she is, texting me like I didn’t practically confess my love to her.
Dylan: Go ahead.
Zoe: Long story short, Keely slept with Chaz last night. She’s been a mess this morning, but she likes him. So this is a good thing.
Damn right this is a good thing. I’ve been dreading break because that asshole would be in the same town as Zoe with nothing to occupy his time. But now that Keely’s spending time with Chaz, I can go to the cabin and worry a little less.
At least I’d like to.
We still haven’t addressed last night, or what I said at the elevators.
Not that I regret it. I’m glad I said what I did. I couldn’t walk away without saying something.
Dylan: Remind me to thank your sister.
I wait for her to respond.
She doesn’t.
After I blow another fifteen minutes waiting for her text, I decide it’s time to go. Not hearing from her makes locking up and leaving even harder because I want to drive toward her, not in the opposite direction into the woods.
The cabin’s a tradition my parents started a long time ago. After Dad left, I couldn’t tell Mom I wanted to stop going. The property reminds me of Dad and everything he stole from us, but I have to go. This is Mom’s favorite time of the year, her chance to have all her kids in the same house before we go back to chasing our dreams.
It’s just a couple days, I convince myself. I’ll survive.
Zoe will be fine. She’ll be busy with her sister and her dad. And they’ll have plenty of things to keep her occupied. But if that were true, I wouldn’t be picturing her with sad eyes, stuck in a house filled with memories of her mom.
By the time I pull into the gravel driveway surrounded by evergreens, I still haven’t heard from Zoe.
Even though it’s freezing outside, Mom’s waiting for me on the porch with open arms. “I missed you, Dylan,” she says as she peppers my cheek with kisses.
“Missed you too, Mom.”
She glances toward the car and frowns. “I hoped you’d bring Zoe with you.”
Mom’s known about Zoe for a while. I tried to hide it, but it was no use. She could see the way my mood changes for the better when Zoe’s around. And how grumpy I get when she’s not.
“Not this year,” I tell her. “She’s with Keely and her dad.”
Mom understands. She knows what it’s like to spend the holiday with a piece of the family missing. “It’ll happen, Dylan. When the time’s right.”
For months, that’s what she’s been telling me. I’ve always been open and honest with Mom, and she’s appreciated that. But in moments like these, I wish I wouldn’t have to deal with sympathetic smiles that make me feel like a failure.
Carrying my bag to the same bedroom I’ve occupied since I was five, I check my phone for a signal. Sometimes, if it’s windy enough or if it snows, I lose it.
There was a time I loved how secluded the cabin was—a true home away from home. Now, the woods drive me cr
azy because losing a signal means losing communication with Zoe.
“Dylan,” Mom yells. “Are you hungry?”
I’m so ready for some of her famous chicken pot pie, my stomach growls. The second I sit at the table, Mom snatches my cell and sets it inside a box. “What are you doing?”
“I found this online. It has a timer and when the timer goes off, it’ll open, and then we can have our phones back.”
“Mom, I love you, but this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“It’s brilliant, Dylan. Otherwise, your noses are buried in the screens and I spend more time looking at the tops of your heads than your faces.”
My phone chimes with a text alert. She pauses and glances at the screen. The second her eyes soften, I know who it’s from.
“Here, Dylan,” she says as she hands the phone back. “You can have the phone for five more minutes.”
I open Zoe’s text, assuming she’s messaging to tell me they made it home.
Zoe: I’ll be back to campus in three days. I can get into the apartment, right?
Three days? She’s not due back for three weeks.
Dylan: What happened?
Zoe: Chaz.
His name is all it takes to raise my blood pressure. I don’t bother excusing myself when I push my chair away from the table. I just move. Mom’s worried, but she lets me go without another word.
Zoe answers on the first ring. She was waiting for my call. “What’s going on, Zo?”
She takes a deep breath and then pauses. “I’ve always had to stay home the entire break because the dorms are closed. But we have the apartment now, so I can leave anytime I want.”
She’s making excuses, she’s just not telling me why.
“What’s the rush? You like spending time in your old room, surrounded by your books and medical journals. All that research time.”
“I can bring the books to school. I’ll have more room.”
“Is this about your mom?”
“No.” For some reason, her voice sounds like an echo—like she’s sitting in a cave.
“Where are you?”
“About that,” she says. “I’m at Chaz’s house.”
Pacing back and forth, I think of the many reasons she would go straight to his house, but I can’t come up with anything that makes sense. Keely supposedly hooked up with him last night. Zoe can’t stand him. So why is she there? Unless she was lying. “Why the hell are you with him?”
