by Alexis Angel
"I’ll walk you there," he tells me in a single breath, standing up and pulling me after him. We walk down the aisle in silence and, only when he reaches for the door and opens it, do I realize I'm holding hands with him. My transformation into sappy teenager is almost complete, I guess.
He only lets go of my hand when we step out of the chapel and, even though we walk up the road in silence, I feel closer to him than ever. More than just the sex, something happened inside the chapel… I broke through his defenses and I think that, somehow, I’ve showed him that he doesn’t need to be as stern and disciplined as his father to make him proud.
As good to me as Edward was, he was a true stoic. He seemed unphased by most things in life, and he followed what looked like a Spartan regimen. I don’t think that Connor knows it but, after the first few months with us, Edward changed his quarters without telling anyone; instead of sleeping in the guest house, he started sleeping in the smallest and coldest room we had available in the servants’ quarters.
Of course, I can’t say for sure what was going on inside Edward’s mind. In a way, though, I believe that it had to do with the death of his wife. The moment she passed away, something broke inside of him, and he denied himself the happiness he deserved.
I don’t want Connor to follow down that road.
"Well, we’re here," he says, and I realize that we’re already in front of the stairway leading up to the mansion.
"We’re here," I smile, and then look from side to side. Certain that there’s no one around, I go on tip-toes and brush my lips against his.
He kisses me back and, for a moment, the world is perfect.
Connor
Change.
I guess that’s what Clarise taught me—sometimes change isn’t bad. Sometimes, change is exactly what you need.
I guess I thought that, by changing, I was disrespecting everything that I treasure. God, my honor, my father… But now, I think that I see it differently. Change is necessary if I’m to learn and grow. What good am I if I remain stagnant for the rest of my life?
Besides, my relationship with Clarise has nothing to do with the way I can help the Donovans. Sure, it might cause some trouble down the road, but that has nothing to do with my capabilities or impartiality right now.
Push comes to shove, I’ll resign. I won’t let my relationship with Clarise hurt the Donovan family, but I sure as hell won’t put a business family above the woman I --
Jesus, I was about to say it, wasn’t I? I was about to tell you that I love her. What’s happening to me? Okay, I need to focus; I can’t be thinking of this right now. I’ve got a meeting to prepare for, and contemplating the meaning of love and life isn’t going to help me with that.
Sitting down at the desk in my bedroom, I crack open the folder sitting in front of me and start reading through the documents. I’m about to start writing down some notes when I hear a knock at my door.
My heart jumps up happily as I think it might be Clarise, and I stand up in a hurry. I walk to the door with wide strides and, without thinking twice about it, I just open it and smile.
It isn’t Clarise on the other side.
"You should've been more careful, Connor," Earl says, walking past me and inside the guest house. There’s a contemptuous expression on his face, one that means trouble.
"What are you talking about?" I ask him, already feeling a knot forming deep in the pit of my stomach.
"Well, you know … the church has a damn good security system. And, unfortunately for you, the pastor over there owed me a favor."
"What are you getting at, Earl? Spit it out," I tell him, balling my hands into fists. Even though I asked him what he’s talking about, I know exactly what he means with his words: he has proof of my involvement with Clarise. It has to be it.
"Oh, I can see it in your eyes… You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? You and my little sister, going at it… Let me tell you, you two sure went really hard at it. I’m surprised that a man of God would have so much stamina."
"You fucking --"
"Oh, aside from fucking my little sister, now you’re also cursing? You’re a basket full of surprises," he laughs, the sound of his voice feeling like nails being dragged across chalkboard. "Well, I’ve got the footage," he continues, taking an USB pen out from his breast pocket. I take one step toward him, ready to crush my fist against his head, but he just throws the pen toward me. Moving fast, I raise my hand and grab it mid-air. "You can keep that one… I have copies."
"You’re a shame to your family, Earl…"
"Well, I wasn’t the one fucking Clarise inside a church. I’d say that’s shameful," he laughs, his eyes immediately going toward the orchid that Clarise gifted me on my first day at the estate. "Nice flower, did my sister gave it to you?"
"What do you want, Earl?" I ask him, but then I can’t resist adding a few more words. "Start talking, and start doing it fast."
"What do I want? Now you’re asking the right kind of questions, Connor…" he continues, the tone in his voice pissing me off more and more with each passing second. Swear to God, I’m seconds away from grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and throwing him out the window. "Well, it’s pretty simple; you either start playing ball or else I’m going to expose your dirty little secret."
"What do you want?" I ask him, my patience already growing low.
"So impatient, man," he laughs, reaching inside his jacket at the same time. "If you were more patient with my sister, maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation," he continues, taking an envelope out of the inner pocket of his jacket. He pushes it into my hands and I just stare at him for a second.
"What’s this?"
"That’s a bit of information on your assignment."
"My assignment?" I ask him, arching one eyebrow in disbelief.
"Yeah, Connor, your assignment. Now you work for me. You’re my little bitch," he whispers, his words brimming with threats. "What I want you to do is to get my father to invest in that company." He nods at the envelope in my hands, and I start opening it.
"Red Lion Aviation? What the hell’s this?" I ask him, reading the red lettering on top of the document. It seems to be a small summary of the operations of a mid-sized airline based out of Indonesia.
"Can’t you read? It’s an airline. And I want you to get my father to invest in it, $2 billion." His grin widens into something sickly as he tells me the value he intends to invest, and I look at him with disbelief.
"$2 billion? Are you out of your mind? That’s a lot of risk for a piece-of-shit company like this," I growl, throwing the envelope and the document into his face. They hit him in the chest and then float down to his feet.
"I don’t care what you think, asshole," he growls back at me, closing the distance between us and pressing his index finger against my chest. "You’ll do what I say, or else I’ll ruin you… and Clarise." With that, he narrows his eyes and takes one step back. Giving me one final grin, he finally marches out of my house, slamming the door behind him.
Fuck.
Clarise
I don’t understand.
After everything that happened between the two of us, after the words we exchanged the last time we were together, Connor simply vanished. He doesn’t return my calls, and he’s nowhere to be found. It’s been one day after our little confession, and I haven’t seen him since.
Oh, God, what if Earl has done something stupid…? Something I even don’t dare think about?
I’ve been to his house and to the chapel, but he wasn’t there. Then, I enlisted one of our private drivers and he took me to the mega-church; he wasn’t there either. Nor was he in the Donovan Tower.
So where the hell can he be?
Right now, sitting in the back of the limo, I can’t help but feel that something nefarious has just happened. Connor wouldn’t disappear like that, especially when he knows that my father might need him. But what if…? What if Connor ran away from me? Maybe he simply couldn’t endure the
pressure of being with me and serving as my father’s adviser. But no, that doesn’t make any sense. Connor isn’t the kind of man to pack up and leave.
Maybe I’m acting crazy. I mean, it’s only been a day … maybe he’s busy with something else? But with what?
Then, it dawns on me.
"Take me to the cemetery," I tell my driver through the intercom, certain that Connor has to be there. Where else would a man like him turn in a moment of turmoil? If he isn’t in the church or in the chapel, he must've gone to the cemetery.
I spend the next fifteen minutes in a kind of desperate anxiety and, by the time the limo stops in front of the cemetery, I almost jump out of the car while it’s still moving.
"I’m okay," I wave at the driver and, without bothering to look back, I start hurrying down one of the small cemetery paths, the one that’s going to take me to the place where Edward was buried.
And there he is.
The sun is setting, and the shadows are already growing long. There’s a certain solemnity to his silhouette in the distance, standing in front of his father’s grave; for a moment, I almost consider turning around and leaving him alone.
But my feet carry me toward him, and neither my mind nor my soul raise their voices in protest. He looks back over his shoulder as he hears my soft footsteps over the grass, and he offers me a sad smile. Something’s wrong. Something’s very, very wrong.
"What’s wrong?" I ask him, my mouth suddenly feeling dry.
"Isn’t it obvious, Clarise?" he asks me, that sad smile never leaving his lips. Now facing his father’s grave, he continues to speak as I stand by his side. "What are we even doing?"
"Does it matter? Do we really have to think so hard about it?"
"In a perfect world, there’d be nothing to think about… Because I love you, Clarise, I really do," he says, and it feels as if I’ve been hit in the head with a brick. He loves me? "But this isn’t a perfect world, is it? And there are larger things in play here."
"Is this about your vows?"
"It’s about everything," he shrugs. "I’ve already broken my vows, I’m risking my job and --"
"Your vows don’t matter, Connor. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. And what good will come from forbidding yourself from love? As for the job, nobody will ever find out…"
"You know that’s not the truth… What’s done in the darkness, will destroy us in the light."
"Stop that!" I demand, trying to reach for him, but he just takes one step back and pushes me away. "I don’t understand, Connor! Everything was … everything was good. I don’t understand why you have to be talking like this now!"
"Just think of it. Really think about it, Clarise. I know you want to prove to your father that you can run the company as well as he does; do you think he’ll still give you that chance after he finds out about the two of us?"
"What does that got to do with anything? We’re not talking about the company! We’re talking about you and I," I protest, feeling a blend of sadness and anger welling up inside of me. I simply can’t understand why he’s quitting on us right now. And, God, it feels horrible. It feels as if the ground is shifting under my feet, ready to open up and swallow me whole.
"We’re done, Clarise," he tells me sternly, grabbing the overcoat he has folded over his arm and putting it on. A slight breeze picks up and he buttons his coat, looking at me with a firm but sad expression. "Whatever there was between the two of us… It was only a fantasy. It wasn’t real."
"What are you talking about? You just said you loved me!" I cry out, feeling the tears start to sting my eyes.
"And what’s love if not a fantasy?" he whispers and, with that, he turns his back to me and starts walking down the cemetery path. I almost start rushing after him, but my pride keeps my feet glued to the floor.
No, I won’t chase after him and grovel at his feet like some stupid teenager. If he wants to break my heart, fine, but I sure as hell won’t let him see the pain he’s causing me right now.
Pursing my lips, I start walking back to the limo, clenching my jaw so hard that the bones in my face start to hurt.
"Take me home," I tell the driver as he opens up the limo door for me. I slide onto my seat and close my eyes, pressing my forehead against the window in my door. A few seconds later and the engine comes alive with its characteristic purr.
I’ve lost him… The only man I’ve ever loved, and I somehow managed to lose him. But it’s my fault, isn’t it? My mother warned me; I was playing with fire when it came to Connor. And now I got badly burned.
Burying my face into my hands, I let the tears stream down my face freely.
Connor
Fuck, how did I let it get to this point?
This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have broken my vows, I shouldn’t have fucked Clarise, and I sure as hell shouldn’t have fallen for her. But how does the saying go? What’s done, is done. And now I have to deal with the consequences of my foolishness.
Pressing hard against the pedal, I force the engine of my car to growl furiously, and I let the adrenaline of driving like a maniac take the edge off the desperation I’m feeling right now.
I can’t believe that I’m abandoning the woman I love; and, worse than that, I can’t believe that I’m breaking her heart. But what else can I do? If I keep playing this game, Earl’s going to expose us… And once that happens, it’ll be the end for both me and Clarise. Not that I care about me; what if I’m banished from the order? I don’t care about that anymore. To be honest with you, I don’t care about much now that I’ve pushed away the most perfect woman I’ve ever met.
I still care for her, though. And I’ll be doomed if I let her suffer because of me. If Earl exposes us, her father might push her away definitely, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something like that happened.
There’s only one thing left for me to do: I’m going back to Rome.
I’m not exactly looking forward to going back to Europe, but what can I do? I came to the States to continue my father’s legacy and to guide the Donovans, but all I managed to do was make the situation ten times worse. Now that Earl has that recording, there’s no stopping him. And if I move against him… If I do that, he’ll expose me as a fraud and then he’ll have his father’s ear, and then… then he’ll be able to do with the company as he pleases.
I could stay, of course. But how would I do that? Every day I’m around her, all I want to do is lean in and kiss her, feel her body pressed tight against mine… The only way I’d be able to do that would be for me to play Earl’s little game, and that’s something I won’t ever do. I might've turned out to be a different man than the one I thought I was, but I won’t stoop that low. The Donovans were always good to me and my father, and I won’t repay their trust in us with a backstabbing move. Even if that costs me everything.
I only slow down as I see the Donovan Estate rise in the distance. As I take my foot off the pedal, I take one deep breath and try to think clearly. Driving up to the guest house, I park the car and walk inside. There, I go straight to my bedroom and take my official stamp from the Order out of one of the desk’s drawers.
Sitting down, I grab a blank piece of paper and a pen.
Dear Mr. Donovan, I start to write, please accept this letter of resignation from my current position as your adviser. I can only thank you for the opportunity to serve under a family such as the Donovans, but it’s my belief I’m not the most appropriate member of the Order to guide your family as of now. Once I get back to Rome, it’ll be my pleasure to assist you with the transition to another member of the Order.
All the best,
Connor.
I stare at the piece of paper in front of me for God knows how long. Sighing heavily, I reach for my stamp and dip it into the ink box I have by my side. I press the stamp hard over my letter, imprinting my personal sigil from the Order on the paper.
"It’s done," I mutter to myself, carefully folding the envelope and placing i
t in the inner pocket of my jacket.
I spend the next hour packing up my briefcases; lucky for me, I don’t have many possessions, and so it’s a fairly easy ordeal. Once that’s done, I take one deep breath and prepare myself mentally to deliver my letter of resignation to Jonathan. Marching out of the house, I start making my way toward the mansion up on the hill.
I’m almost halfway through the winding path when I start remembering the way I treated Clarise back at the cemetery. Her sad eyes, the frustration in her voice… That was probably our last time together, and I treated her so fucking harshly.
No, I can’t leave like this.
Stopping dead in my tracks, I take my phone out of my pocket and look for her name on the contact list.
Can you meet me at the chapel? I need to see you, I type, and then send her the text. Not entirely sure if it’s a good idea, I turn my back to the mansion and start making my way down the path, heading toward the chapel.
As I approach it, I can’t help but remember my first time with Clarise in there. I felt so bad after it was over but, at the same time, I don’t think I've ever felt anything quite like what I was experiencing. It was Heaven and Hell at the same time and, for the first time in a long time, I felt truly alive.
I stop right in front of the door and push it open, blinking as my eyes adjust to the darkness inside. The darkness where my body and Clarise became one. The darkness where her moans cut through the silence.
I might be leaving for good, yes, but I won’t leave before I tell Clarise what she truly means to me. I have a lot of regrets in my life, and I won’t let her become another one.
And that’s because I love her more than anything.
Connor
There’s a deep silence in the chapel, one that blankets everything. My footsteps feel like gunshots as they echo through the aisles, and I almost feel bad for breaking that silence.
