by Megan Smith
I don’t know how to respond so I don’t say anything. I just scoot back over to my seat and fasten my seatbelt. The click gets Jackson’s attention. He turns his head to the side and grabs my hand. “I love you, Chloe.”
Smiling because he seems to know when I want to hear those words the most. “I know you do.”
He stares at me for another second before putting his own seatbelt on. “Let me get you back.”
After we’ve been driving for a few minutes Jackson asks what we’re doing for Thanksgiving and Alex’s birthday since they both fall on the same day this year.
“I was just thinking we could do cake and ice cream on Thanksgiving since everyone will be together anyway. I thought about having a kid’s party on the weekend but a lot of people go out of town so I don’t think anyone will show up.”
He nods. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Maybe we can just take him to do something fun instead.”
“Sure, that sounds like a good idea.”
When Jackson drops me off after we stopped for ice cream, the house is dark.
“Looks like everyone is sleeping,” Jackson says as he puts the truck in park.
“Yeah, Alex wasn’t feeling all that great earlier.” I grab my purse off the floor. “I’m going to go.”
“Okay.”
“Thank you for tonight, Jackson.”
He smiles. “You’re welcome.”
How weird is it that I don’t know if I should kiss my own husband goodbye or not. Thankfully, Jackson doesn’t let me decide because he leans over to kiss me.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” I smile at him one last time before opening the door.
Jackson waits until I’m inside his parents’ house with the door shut before he pulls away. I tiptoe upstairs to peek in on Alex before going to my bedroom. The last thought I had before I fell asleep that night was Jackson’s lips on mine and a day not so long ago when we made out for the first time in his car.
Thanksgiving morning I set my alarm for six in the morning to get up and help Elle with the turkey. I tossed my hair up in a bun, threw a hoodie, sweatpants and fuzzy socks on before stumbling still half asleep downstairs.
Elle is at the sink rinsing the bird and humming to herself when I walk in. “Good morning,” I mumble.
She turns with a bright and cheerful smile. “Good morning, there is fresh coffee.”
My mouth waters at the word coffee. After our counseling session last night, Jackson and I went over to MacKenzie and Hunter’s. I had a little too much wine last night, but I knew today would be low key so I had a little extra.
“How was MacKenzie’s last night?”
I pick up the coffee pot and pour some into my mug. “It was good. We just hung out and watched a movie.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah, the kids were in bed by the time Jackson and I got there. MacKenzie handed me a glass of wine the second I walked in the door.” I laugh.
Elle chuckles, “Kids must have been giving her a run for her money.”
I shrug. “Probably.”
“How are things with Dr. Russell going?”
We’ve been seeing her for three weeks now. She’s helping us to realize how the other person views things and it’s been an eye opener that’s for sure. Just when you think you know someone better than the back of your hand you find out you really don’t. I know Jackson has had his one on one with her but he hasn’t said anything to me about it and I don’t want to pry.
“Things are going good. We’re working things out.”
Elle turns off the water and wipes her hand on a towel she had placed on the counter next to her. “That’s great.”
“It is.” I take a sip of my coffee then place it on the kitchen table. “What can I help you with?”
She reaches into the fridge and pulls out a tub of butter. “Why don’t you get started with chopping up the celery for the stuffing?”
“Okay.”
For the next few hours I help Elle get everything prepped for dinner. Shortly after nine Alex comes downstairs complaining that he’s hungry. I get him set up with a bowl of cereal then when he’s finished we go out into the living room and watch the parade together.
I must have fallen back asleep because I wake up to Andrew nudging me in the arm. “Chloe…”
I open my eyes to find that I’m holding a sleeping Alex in my arms. We’re still lying on the couch with the television playing softly in the background. “Hey.”
“Everyone is going to start showing up, thought you might want to run up for a shower first.”
I blink my dry eyes a few times. “Yeah, thanks.”
“Alex,” I whisper into his ear. “Come on, your cousins are going to be here soon.”
His eyes fly open. “When?”
“Very soon, let’s go get you dressed.”
Alex and I head upstairs to get a shower and get dressed before everyone arrives. After we’re ready we head back downstairs just as Jackson is coming up the steps.
“Hey, they said you were getting ready.”
“Dad,” Alex runs at his dad. He bends down and wraps his arms around him. “Is Ryder here?”
“Happy birthday, bud! He’s not yet but I just heard someone’s car door shut so that might be him.”
Alex takes off running down the stairs. Jackson shakes his head as he stands back up. “I wish he was that excited to see me.”
I laugh, “Me too.”
Jackson takes the final steps to me and places a hand on my hip. “Happy Thanksgiving.”
“Hmm, Happy Thanksgiving.” I lean up on my tip-toes to kiss Jackson on his lips.
“Can we go in your room and talk for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure,” I turn back around to go back in my room. I flip the light on when I step in and Jackson shuts the door behind him.
“What’s going on?”
He takes a deep breath and tosses some kind of bag on the floor. “I don’t want to start a fight, but I need to ask you something.”
“Okay,” I’m a little worried, I’ll admit.
“I want you and Alex to come back home tonight or even this weekend. I don’t want to wait any longer.”
I had a feeling that’s what this was about. It’s been harder and harder for us both to let each other go when he drops me off here.
“I know you do.”
“I sense a ‘but’ here.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m just afraid, Jackson.”
We’ve been told in counseling that we have to be open and honest with each other and not to harbor feelings. That’s what I’m doing.
“What are you afraid of?”
“That we’ll fall right back into the same situation that we were in before.”
He nods once. “Okay,” he turns to leave but I place my hand on his arm.
“Don’t be mad.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
He sighs. “I want my family home for the holidays, Chloe. I’m sitting home alone in that house and I hate it more and more with each passing day.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugs like now it’s not a big deal. “I just wanted you to know how I feel about it.”
He turns to leave and I think that I might have just ruined today, but he opens the door, steps out into the hallway and turns back around. “Are you coming?”
I nod and follow behind him.
We walk down together then go our separate ways. Jackson goes to the living room where the football game is playing loudly and I head towards the kitchen to see if Elle needs help with anything else. When she tells me to go relax I head to the living room. I walk in to find Alex and Ryder on the floor with Legos, Andrew in his recliner, Hunter and MacKenzie on the sofa and Jackson on the love seat. He glances up then pats the seat next to him. As I sit down; his arm goes around me and pulls me closer.
“I’
m sorry.”
I glance up. “Don’t be sorry, you were being honest.”
“I love you.”
“And I love you.”
A pillow sails across the room. “Go get a room.”
MacKenzie laughs when the pillow hits Jackson right in the face.
“Brat.”
“Cry baby.”
“Now, now,” Andrew says with an amused grin. He loves when his kids are all together like old times.
A few minutes later we’re joined by Hailey, Mason, Cooper, Jaylinn and the kiddos. The twins and Olivia are playing on the floor bothering their older cousins by trying to take their Legos. Jaylinn and Cooper are sitting on the floor off to the side feeding Brooklyn her bottle.
“Girls,” Elle yells out from the kitchen. “Can you please come and set the table?”
Jaylinn hands Brooklyn over to Cooper and follows MacKenzie, Hailey and me out into the kitchen. We each grab plates, silverwear, glasses, napkins and everything else and go about setting the table.
“How are you and Jackson doing?” Hailey asks as she places a plate down.
“Good.”
She looks up with an eyebrow raised.
“Seriously, we’re good.”
“So we don’t need to have a talk with Jackson then?”
I laugh, “No, I don’t need you defending me.”
“Damn,” she says under her breath. I burst out laughing.
When we’re all finished Elle summons the guys to sit down for dinner. Everyone loads their plates up and then waits for Andrew to say grace. Once he’s finished everyone digs in enjoying the food that Elle made for all of us. We all pile back into the living room in a food coma. I fall asleep on Jackson’s shoulder until Alex pries my eye open.
“Mom, I want cake.”
I turn my head to the side to blink a few times. Sitting up I roll my stiff neck around.
“Mom,” Alex whines.
“Alright, alright.”
Jackson picks Alex up and sits him on his lap. “Are you talking about the birthday cake I saw in the kitchen?”
“Yes.”
“I wonder who that is for?”
“Me!” Alex yells then laughs when Jackson tickles him.
“Okay, let go get you some cake.”
Everyone follows us back out into the dining room for Alex’s birthday cake and pumpkin pie. Glancing to Jackson, I ask, “Can you get the lighter?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I set the number five candle in the cake so it’s ready when Jackson comes back in. After he lights it Mason flicks the lights off and everyone starts to sing.
“Make a wish, bud,” I whisper in his ear.
Alex squeezes his eyes shut for a second before opening them and blowing the candle out.
We all cheer causing Alex to giggle. While I’m cutting the cake and passing it out Alex says to me, “Want to know what my wish was for?”
Before I can tell him it won’t come true if he reveals it to me, he tells me anyway.
“I want to go back home with daddy.”
His wish just burst my heart right out of my chest. How can I be so selfish to affect Alex in all this? His pure innocent mind doesn’t understand what is happening. I should have just stayed in that house and maybe just have slept on the couch.
I glance over to Jackson who’s looking at me and it’s decided then that Alex’s dream will come true soon.
Jackson
On a Saturday morning two weeks before Christmas I’m at the gym with my brothers. I’m in a bit of a foul mood since I told Chloe I wanted her to move back home and she still hasn’t even after Alex’s birthday wish. I don’t uderstand.
“How are things with you and Chloe going?” Cooper asks while he spots Mason bench pressing.
“We’re fine, I guess.”
“You guess?”
I shrug.
Mason lifts the bar back on the hooks and sits. He wipes his face with a towel and looks at me through the mirror. “She still hasn’t moved back in yet?”
I shake my head. “I told her I wanted her and Alex to come back home on Thanksgiving but she said she wasn’t ready.”
“Ready for what?”
“I don’t know.”
Cooper scratches the back of his head. “You guys seem to be doing a lot better. You’d think she’d want to come home.”
“I’ll never understand how women’s brains work.”
“You and me both, brother.”
I switch spots with Mason while Cooper spots me and then we switch so Cooper can get a turn. We make our way around the gym working on our upper bodies. We all ate a little too much at dinner on Thanksgiving and we’re still paying for it.
After our workout we’re on the treadmill running. Mason hits my arm with the back of his hand and nods towards a girl who is walking past. She’s really not that attractive looking so I don’t get it until she turns the corner and I see the back side of her.
“Jesus,” Cooper spots what Mason and I are looking at. “Look at the flat ass on her.”
I snort and start laughing.
Mason shakes head. “You’d get seriously fucked up going doggie on an ass like that. There ain’t no damn cushion, bone on bone, man.”
I trip running on the treadmill and have to catch myself from falling face first. I’m laughing so hard it’s difficult to see the stop button. “Leave it to you to go there, Mase.”
Turns out spending the morning with my brothers was exactly what I needed. It was nice to go hang out with them for a while.
Monday night I find myself sitting in Dr. Russell’s office for another one of our one-on-one sessions. The first couple of sessions all I did was sit here. I was uncomfortable about opening myself up to her about anything. I talked during the couples session with Chloe because it’s what she wanted, but this, this isn’t what I want.
“Are we talking today?” Dr. Russell asks in a nasally voice.
I sit back on the couch and cross my legs out in front of me. “Nah.”
She pushes her glasses back up on her nose and picks up her pen. “Okay.”
For twenty minutes we sit there in silence just like the last few times. My mind wanders to Chloe and what she’s doing right now. Is she thinking about me right now? Does she see that our future will work out because we’re stronger together than when we are apart? Does she miss me as much as I miss her?
Dr. Russell’s breathing through her nose and it’s making this little whistle sound that is driving me crazy.
Exhale
Inhale/whistle.
Exhale
Inhale/whistle.
It’s so distracting I can’t even think about what Chloe is doing anymore. My hands ball up into fists. I can’t stand it a second longer so I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind in hopes that that freaking noise stops.
“I asked Chloe to move back in with me on Thanksgiving.”
Dr. Russell sniffs. “And what did she say?”
“She’s afraid.” The whistling noise is gone. Thank God.
She nods. “Do you know why?”
“She thinks we’ll fall back into our old ways.”
“And do you understand why she thinks that way?”
I shrug. “I guess, in a way.” I look out the big bay window as a plane high in the sky flies by. “She’s worried if she just jumps back into our old ways that we’ll find ourselves in the same situation. She thinks I’m going to keep on resenting her and she’ll then, in turn, feel the same way about me.”
Dr. Russell jots something down in her notebook. “How do you feel about it?”
I sigh and sit up straight on the couch. “I hate it. I hate that she doesn’t trust me enough to know that I would never do anything like this again to her, Alex or myself. I’m trying to prove to her that I’ve changed. I’ve taken her out on a date every week since we started coming here to help remind her why we fell in love in the first place.”
“Are you sure you’re
doing this for her or are you doing it for yourself?”
“Her, of course, Chloe and I are good when we are together. She’s been my best friend since we were sixteen years old. Growing up we were with each other as much as we could. I always wanted to make sure she was happy and give her the things her parents wouldn’t let her do when we were growing up.” The words are just flowing out and I feel like I can’t stop them. “I’ve always made sure she was taken care of after her parents kicked her out. I just want to make sure she never forgets any of that.”
Dr. Russell takes her glasses off and sets them on top of her notebook. “I don’t think you’re seeing the problem.”
“What do you mean?” She has to be deaf, I just told her. A tingling sensation goes from my fisted hands all the way up my arms.
“Chloe doesn’t need to be reminded, Jackson. She’ll never forget. The problem I believe is that Chloe wants you to see her as an equal. She doesn’t want you to always take care of her; she wants to be able to take care of you too.”
“She does. She takes care of Alex and me every day.” That all too familiar tightness settles into my chest as my heart rate spikes and that icy feeling begins to course through my veins and freezes my lungs, making it near impossible to breathe.
“Listen to what I’m saying, Jackson. Chloe wants to be able to stand on her own two feet without your help and you need that from her too. You guys have been together for years, you have practically grown into adults together, stumbling along the way beside each other. Never having to figure things out on your own and always relying on one another for everything whether it be financially or emotionally. You and Chloe don’t know what it’s like to not have the other around.” My vision blurs so I rest my head back on the couch and try taking deep breaths.
“Jackson,” Dr. Russell sounds like she’s under water.
Sweat beads along my forehead and slides down my face but it feels like icicles ripping my skin open.
I feel the couch beside me dip. “Jackson, listen to the sound of my voice. Deep breath in.” I breathe in through my nose. “That’s good, now let it out.” Then I let it out.
Find your focus. Find your focus. I repeat to myself. I lean over, rest my elbows on my knees and continue to breathe as I count.
