by Mia Ford
I put my empty whiskey glass down and wiped my hands with the warm towel. Everything was so confusing at this point that I didn’t even know how to take it all in. These were the times that I desperately wished my father was close. I wished we could sit here and talk about everything. But, I didn’t need him physically here to tell me what the right thing to do was. He would tell me that I needed to be there for my child and his mother. He would tell me that I made my bed and now it was time to lay in it. My father may have been a hard ass but he was a good man who knew what the definition of responsible really was. Still, sitting here all alone on the jet, I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would have been like had I known from the start. Casey would have been so happy to have me by her side. Seth and I would already have an amazing father-son relationship.
I took in a deep breath, unsure how to handle the emotions that were flowing through my head and chest. All my anger had finally dissipated and I was left with sadness, fear, and guilt. I was sad for missing out on so much time with my son. I felt terrible that I left Casey alone, giving her the impression that I would never want anything to do with a family. But most of all, I was scared. I was scared of not being the man my son needed, I was scared that I wouldn’t live up to my father’s expectations of me as a man. Most of all, I was terrified Casey wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. She obviously hadn’t moved on yet but that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t one day soon.
I pictured Casey in my mind, her beautiful smile radiating as another man walked her through the church, carrying Seth on his shoulders. Eventually, if I stayed away, she would meet another man, probably a really great guy like Brandon and he would take over the family that was meant to be mine. Just thinking about another man taking Casey’s hand and hugging Seth tightly made me feel sick to my stomach. This was the first time that I ever experienced any sort of jealousy and I realized my feelings for Casey went far beyond a strong lustful want. She was the mother of my child, the woman I pined over for five years, and the only person who had ever made me smile and laugh like no one was watching. Nothing else in the world compared to the feeling I had sitting across the table from her and Seth, enjoying Thanksgiving dinner together.
In that moment, everything in me wanted to turn the plane around and go running back to Casey. I wanted to beg for her forgiveness, promise her the life she deserved, and scoop my son up into my arms. I dug my fingernails into the arms of the chair, wondering if that was exactly what I should do. I had the ability to make just about anything happen, so why not this as well? But I didn’t. Instead, I sat there and continued to stare out at the fluffy clouds. My inability to act wasn’t fueled by fear, but because I really didn’t know if me being in their lives was the right choice. For the first time in my life, I had to really think about myself and what I was capable of. Would it be a good choice to completely change my world? Could I actually pledge myself completely to Casey and Seth?
It was confusing but I knew that by the time this trip was over, I needed to make a decision.
Chapter 16: Casey
I leaned against the counter drinking my morning cup of coffee and thinking about the last several days. Though I was no longer lying around crying into my pillow, I could feel this ball of sadness just inundating my chest. It was like I swallowed all my anger and sadness and now, it was just sitting there waiting to either go down or come back up. The last thing I wanted was to allow it to take over and make my life even harder than it already was. I made the decision to keep Dex out of my life and out of Seth’s life and I knew that I had to stick to it. So far, it wasn’t too hard. I hadn’t heard anything from Dex since I left him standing on the sidewalk in front of my apartment. But still, Dex always stayed quiet after an event in our lives and then suddenly showed up one day, ready to go like he washed the past out of his memory.
I walked over to the calendar and flipped up the page, realizing it was now December and less than a month away from Christmas. I used to love this time of year - the enchanting music, the lights, the decorations - but now all it did was make me upset. Christmas was forever tainted in mind and though it gave me my beautiful sweet boy, it also gave me my first memories of Dex. Everything in my life since that night had gathered together as a result of my decision to sleep with him. My son, my broken heart, and my constant fear that Dex’s team of lawyers were going to show up at my door with custody papers, ready to rip my reality into shreds. Nothing about Christmas felt magical anymore. I couldn’t even think about the twenty-fifth of December without seeing Dex’s face. He appeared so clearly in my mind, it was as if he were standing in front of me. I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head, forcing him away.
“Mommy,” Seth said, pulling at my shirt. He was standing there in his pajamas holding his sketch book and crayons. He wanted to go out and draw buildings, which was something that would probably be good for the both of us.
“Okay buddy,” I said with a sigh. “Let’s go get you dressed.”
His little face lit up with excitement and he took off toward his room. As I pulled his shirt and sweater over his head, I couldn’t help but see a little bit of Dex in his smile. The same smile that once charmed me into thinking there was a chance of having a normal life with him. But even still, I couldn’t help but feel warm at the thought of my son sharing that same drive and curiosity that I saw in Dex the first time we met. Seth pulled on his pants and ran around the room excitedly while I gathered his shoes and coat. His excitement was almost enough to erase my sadness but it still lingered there, just beneath the surface. I hoped getting out of the house would be good for me.
We took the subway from Brooklyn into Manhattan and walked slowly through the streets. Seth gawked at all the buildings along the way, trying to decide which one he wanted to draw first. He loved the big shiny ones, the ones that set his imagination into overdrive. However, when you looked at his final work, you saw a striking reality where the pencil didn’t pickup the glimmer and the clouds sat in a dark gray hue. We crossed the street into the large open area in front of Canton Columns where the now empty fountain stood. They turned the water off for most of the winter to avoid any freezing issues.
I plopped Seth up on the side of the fountain and helped him unroll his paper and organize his crayons. While I did that, I noticed Seth staring up straight into the sky with curiosity. I knew there was more going on in that little head than just amazement. He once asked me how they got the buildings so high but I didn’t know the answer. Dex would have been the perfect person to explain that to him, maybe even show him around a site that was being built. But that was just a pipe dream from the life that could have been, not the life that we had. I needed to stop daydreaming about these things or else I would never allow myself to move forward.
Once Seth was set up, I pulled my coat around me and shivered. It was really cold outside and I could feel the weather turning. We wouldn’t stay out here too long but I couldn’t deprive Seth of what he loved to do. Soon, this area would be covered in snow just like I used to love. Living in NYC definitely gave its fair share of white Christmases. I used to look forward to the glittering white frost but now, I just prayed the holiday would come and go as quickly as possible. I was ready for a new year, a time when I could take a deep breath and revamp our entire life. I knew that passing days on the calendar didn’t heal your heart but there was something refreshing about flipping over to the first day of a new year and hoping for the best. I already knew next year couldn’t be much worse than this one.
I looked up at the tall building and the terrace that ran around the penthouse at the top. That was where Dex lived, where he spent the majority of his childhood, and where he was probably sitting right now. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing on the top floor of that shiny building. Was he thinking of us? Did he ever think of us? Or, was he working away, building a larger empire, having drinks with his boys, and forgetting all about the little family he left behind? Part of me wanted
to know the answers to those questions but the other part of me was just as happy to never find out.
I watched as Seth sketched away like some of the artists in the Art District. I always loved watching the amazingly talented people put the workings of their mind down on a canvass in the middle of the busy New York metropolis. I wished I was as creative as my son or at least that I had the same positive and loving imagination of a child. Instead, my imagination took me to thoughts of Dex and tortured me with visions of a future that would never actually be. I sighed and sat down next to my little boy, rubbing his back and sucking in a deep breath of the cold city air. It was actually a really beautiful winter day and I tried hard to let that sink in, to just enjoy this moment with Seth.
I smiled at the sound of my son laughing as he pressed the crayon to the paper. I opened my eyes and turned to look at his developing masterpiece, catching someone coming from the doors of the building from the corner of my eye. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. This was a busy place with businesses, residents, and people rushing along the sidewalks. However, as I glanced back up, I realized this was someone working at the Commons. He was dressed in an all-black suit, white button up, black tie, and carried a walkie talkie on his belt. He had an earpiece pressed against his ear and was talking to someone on the other end while staring right at us. As soon as our eyes met and he took one hurried step forward, I grabbed Seth and wrapped his paper up tight, pushing everything into his book bag.
I turned my back to the man and ignored his pleas for me to wait. Seth looked frightened so I took a deep breath and told him I was going to take him somewhere else, that it was too busy here. He sighed but wrapped his arms around my neck as I hurried across the courtyard toward the cab waiting on the corner. I jumped in and told the cab driver to just go before giving him a destination. I looked up to see the security guard jogging across toward us. I leaned back as he slowed down, throwing his hands up in the air and talking into his radio. I set Seth in the seat next to me and tried to hide my anxiety. I pointed out all the buildings as we passed, deciding home was probably the best destination now. I turned and looked out the window as the big shiny Canton Commons grew smaller in the distance. Soon, all I could see was the very top of the building. I leaned back, relieved and breathing heavily with my hand pressed against my chest.
I didn’t know what that man wanted but I was sure he scared me half to death. I knew I shouldn’t have stopped in front of Dex’s building. I had no idea where his head right now. I didn’t know if he was thinking about coming back, ignoring us completely, or worse, trying to take me to court to get custody of Seth. The thought of facing a court battle with Dex and his barrage of corporate lawyers terrified the hell out of me. I lived in an apartment in Brooklyn with my mother and he owned a multi-billion-dollar company. He had all the money in the world to take me to court every single day until Seth was eighteen and I could barely even think about hiring an attorney. What would I do if I was faced with that kind of life changing event? I couldn’t compete with Dex’s lawyers, they were loaded and could take this as far as they wanted. Dex had everything I didn’t.
When we pulled up in front of the apartment, I was paranoid as I looked around me to make sure I didn’t see any suspicious men in suits. We were alone but that didn’t calm my fears. Dex knew exactly where I lived and he could send a lawyer here at any point. Sure, my apartment was nice and homie for the three of us but it was no Canton Commons and I couldn’t give Seth the best of everything like Dex could. I was terrified that a judge would think money was more important than a mother’s love. I looked up at the door as we climbed the stairs, wondering if I should think about moving somewhere else. The biggest problem would be that my mother would never agree to move and she was the person who took care of Seth when I worked. There was no way I could afford childcare and an apartment in this city by myself. I wanted to give Seth the best life I could muster.
After we got inside, I plopped down on the couch while Seth ran off to finish his new drawing at the desk I got him for his room. It wasn’t much but it gave him something other the dining room table to draw on. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall, replaying the vision of the man running after us across the courtyard. Was it possible that Dex knew we were there? Or was it just a coincidence? Did the security guard just want to make sure we weren’t doing anything wrong out there on the marble fountain in the Canton Commons Courtyard?
Either way, I could feel sadness overflowing in my chest. Not only was I terrified to lose my son but I was now faced with the idea that I might have to fight the man I loved for custody of our child. I couldn’t figure out how everything got to this point. How did I let things get this far?
Chapter 17: Dex
Maybe I was wrong, maybe I shouldn’t have just dropped by Casey’s house. I stood outside of the walk up, looking up at the twinkling lights from the Christmas tree inside. I knew there were cars passing, horns honking, and the normal sounds of the city going on around me but I couldn’t hear anything. My heart was beating so hard in my chest that it filled my ears and took over my ability to think straight. Casey and Seth were right inside those doors, going on with their normal lives and trying to move past everything that happened. But I knew I would never have a restful soul if I didn’t come here to confess my feelings to the mother of my child. She held this secret in for a very long time and it was my turn to step forward and take responsibility. Besides, I wanted to see the boy that I now knew to be my son. I wanted to get to know him, to see him smile, to hear his laugh.
I turned toward the driver who had popped open the trunk and was grabbing wrapped boxes from the inside. I knew it was going to be quite a shock to find me on the doorstep so I figured I better not come empty-handed. Instead, I stopped by the toy store and bought everything I thought Seth would like. I didn’t know the kid very well but he seemed to be a lot like me, so I picked out anything I knew I would have wanted at his age. It took a while for them to wrap everything but we got it done and packed into the limo. I leaned in and pulled the biggest of the boxes out, grunting at how heavy it was. We moved up both stairways and stood in front of Casey’s door. At first, I couldn’t bring myself to lift my hand and knock. This interaction wasn’t going to be simple or pleasant. There was no way Casey was going to welcome me with open arms.
I balanced the box on my knee and knocked quickly on the door, my heart beginning to beat even faster. What would I do if she didn’t answer? What would I do if she refused to allow me inside? I left that night without saying a word, except for the horrible ones I threw at Casey. I should have come back in and apologized but there was so much going on that my head was filled with fog. I could hear footsteps inside so I knew someone was home. I leaned to the left, hoping she wouldn’t see me through the peephole. I didn’t want her to see it was me and decide against opening the door.
“When she comes to the door she will want to talk to me,” I said to my driver. “Just go ahead and bring everything in and set it in the living room.”
“Yes, sir,” he replied, struggling with the gifts he was holding.
Slowly the doorknob began to turn and I took in a deep breath. Ready or not I was going to have to face this head-on without letting my anger spill out again. I needed to keep a level head, understanding that Casey had been through so much, regardless of whether I thought it was wrong to keep Seth from me. She carried the intense pressure of raising a child without his father. The door swung open and I stared at Casey who looked at me with an expressionless face. I stepped inside and set the large box down before turning to face her.
“What are you doing here?” she said with a bit of anger in her voice.
“I came to spoil my son,” I said triumphantly, quickly realizing that was not the right answer.
Casey stepped forward and grabbed my arm, pulling me down the hall and into her bedroom. I stepped forward and looked around. It was simple but elegant, just like Casey. I could hear her breath
ing heavily behind me as she closed the door and turned around. She was more than fuming and I could understand why. She was ready for a fight but I didn’t want to let it get to that point.
“Casey,” I said calmly, putting up my hands. “If you could just hear me out.”
“Hear you out?” She exploded. “You think after how you acted, after what you said, after you just disappeared again, that I should take two seconds to hear you out? You complained that I was basing my decision of not telling you about Seth on the fact that you just get up and leave. You said that it wasn’t fair to judge you on your actions before you knew you had a son. And what did you do? You ran off and jumped on your plane. That little boy does not need a part-time man in his life, he is perfectly fine with a full-time mother.”
“I’m not here to be a part-time dad.” I pleaded.
“And your little antics when we were at your building the other day.” She scoffed. “That was really rich, having a security guard chase us down in the courtyard. If Seth had noticed he would have been scared to death.”
“A security guard? No, Casey, you have it all wrong,” I said, shaking my head. “The fountain is under construction. He was probably trying to make sure you were safe.”
