by Angel Lawson
It was crazy. I was crazy, and when they’d left me, the idea of being alone almost killed me.
I picked at the tape on my wrist and swallowed my tears. I’d been a pro at hiding my emotions for so long, but then he boys had lulled me into a sense of comfort. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
“I’ll call the school and make an appointment with your counselor. Lighten your load.” Mom smiled at me. She was always a fixer.
“Chem. With Mr. Baker, that’s the class I’d like to be removed from.”
Lines crossed her forehead. “Chemistry? That’s always been one of your best subjects.”
“Mom…”
“Right, sweetie. I understand.” A shadow crossed the window in the door and my mom glanced up. “Oh, you have a visitor. A few, actually. Jackson is here and that other boy that drove you to the party that night. You didn’t tell me you’d made other new friends.”
New friends. The word tasted bitter on my tongue.
“They’re just some boys from school—Jackson’s friends, really. It’s not a big deal.”
She gave me a weird look. “They’ve been out there since the ambulance got here. Prowling around out there like cats in a cage. I think you mean more to them than you realize.”
I looked at the ceiling, willing the tears not to fall.
“Tell them I’m fine.”
“Heaven…you know it’s okay to let people in.”
No. It wasn’t. It hurt too much.
“Tell them to go. I’m fine. They don’t need to worry about me.”
My mother, who was notorious for not always being around, who is flighty at times and a little clueless, knows me better than anyone. I waited while she chewed on her bottom lip, a sure sign she was worried. She started to walk but turned back around, placing her hands on her hips. “We’ve been through this before, Heaven. Isolating yourself isn’t the way to handle your anxiety. It makes it worse, making you lonely and depressed. Those boys out there? They care for you. I can see it on their faces, in the very fact they’ve asked me a million times for an update on your health. You can push them away if you want, but I’m not doing it for you.”
She squeezed my hand and walked out the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. It wasn’t three minutes later that I heard a scuffle outside the door and a brief argument that ended with the door swinging open, slamming into the wall. As much as I believed what I said to my mom, all of it fell apart when I saw Oliver standing in the doorway, eyes red with distress. He charged into the room, followed by Jackson and Hayden, all three surrounding me like an emotional blanket.
“Don’t do that again,” Oliver said, over and over, gripping my hand in his. He kissed my knuckles, my hand, my palm. “I almost lost my shit when I got the call. Absolutely terrified me.”
A gentle hand ran down my cheek and I looked up to find Jackson staring at me. He had a black eye and his knuckles were raw and split.
“What happened to you?”
“I fell face first into someone’s fist.” He pressed his fingers to my lips. “I went outside to deal with Anderson and when I came back you’d passed out. I called the ambulance and rode over with you. You scared me so bad.”
“I don’t remember the ambulance at all.” I searched my foggy memory. “You were there?”
“The whole time.”
Hayden squeezed past Jackson and bent over, kissing me on the forehead. The look in his eye said he had more to say but not now. Later. In private.
Even with their size and presence, Anderson’s absence was a massive, unspoken elephant in the room.
I exhaled. “Where is he.”
“In the lobby.”
I looked at Jackson. “Did you talk to him?”
He glanced at his knuckles. “Or something.”
I sat up. “You beat him up?”
He pointed to his bruised eye. “Who did you think gave me this?”
I dropped my head into my hands. “God, everything is such a mess. It’s too hard. All of us. Way too fucking hard.”
Oliver laced his fingers through mine. “Don’t you dare say that, Heaven. None of us think it. What we have? It’s good. It’s good for you and all of us. Don’t doubt it.”
“What about Anderson? He’s your best friend. There’s no way you’d choose me over him. I won’t make you.”
The door swung open. We all looked over and my breath caught when I saw him in the doorway. His hair was highlighted by the fluorescent lights. It looked like he’d tugged and pulled at it for hours, making it stick up in a million directions. His green eyes connected with mine and after a long pause of heavy tension, I asked the others, “Can we have a minute alone?”
Anderson, never taking his eyes off mine, shook his head. “No, they stay.”
My heart ricocheted around my chest like a pinball in a machine, knowing what came next couldn’t be good. Only an executioner needed an audience.
Oliver’s hand tightened in my left hand, Jackson in my right. Hayden watched Anderson with narrowed, wary eyes. I knew for certain my heart couldn’t handle being broken again.
Anderson stood at the end of the bed, the shadowy light accentuating the dark rings under his eyes and the split, puffy lip.
“I’m so sorry, Heaven.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’ve been such a dick. These guys saved me when I got here and they mean everything to me. Adding in someone new? Someone like you? It scared the hell out of me.”
“What do you mean, someone like me?”
He shifted around the bed, like he wanted to get closer. Oliver released my hand and gave him room. I tilted my head to see him closer, only to have the urge to touch his lip and make it feel better.
“Dammit. It never comes out right. You’re smart, Heaven. Funny. Kind. Absolutely fucking beautiful. Why do you think I sit next to you every year in our one shared class? It was my only place to get close to you.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying, Anderson.”
He looked down, the tips of his ears turning red. “I’ve had a crush on you for a long time—longer than these fools know.”
“Oh, we knew,” Hayden said dryly. “She had your approval long before all this started. It’s why we knew she was the one.”
Anderson looked up in surprise. Jackson and Oliver nodded in agreement. “You knew.”
“Dude, everyone knew, you were the only one that wouldn’t take a chance so we took it for you and even then, you managed to fuck it up.”
The guys laughed, shaking their heads at their friend. I watched, incredulous as the whole thing fell into place.
“Jealousy almost ruined this for me--for us.” His hands clenched the railing on the bed. “I’ve been petty. Immature. I was afraid of losing them and the special relationship I had with you. It was so fucking hard seeing the guys at school look at you in those outfits. Seeing you exploited on that fake account ate me up. It made me so angry and insanely jealous. That was my skin they were looking at.” My stomach flip-flopped at his admission. “And then…when I saw the photos of you with Hayden and then Jackson—the closeness you had—the stubbornness keeping me from having it, too… I just lost my mind and took it out on you.”
“I don’t want to come between you guys. Ever.”
Anderson’s hand reached out and touched my chin, turning my skin to flames. “That’s the thing. You’re not. It’s the complete opposite. You’re bringing us together. You’re the bond we’ve been waiting for. They knew it all along, I was just too stupid to realize it.
His eyes burned into mine. “If you’ll forgive me, I promise things will be different. I’ll never act like a dick again.”
Jackson coughed and muttered “bullshit” under his breath.
Everyone stopped and stared at him. He shrugged and gave his heart-breaker smile.
Anderson rolled his eyes. “Fine, I promise to try my hardest not to act like a dick again, to you, especially.”
I inhaled, trying to process ever
ything he just said. The crux of it all was that Anderson liked me—always had, and he is a jealous bastard—which was way hotter than I ever imagined. All that broody angst? That was jealousy. I lifted my hand and he took it in his. His skin was soft, except for similarly scraped knuckles to Jackson. I kissed the red welts. “I forgive you.”
“Yes!” Oliver fist pumped. Jackson smiled. Hayden gave me a wink.
“I’ll keep my promise if you’ll take care of yourself—stay healthy—deal?”
I nodded, feeling a little foolish I ever thought they’d leave me. Their presence is like a cloak, warm and secure. “Deal.”
A knock on the door interrupts us and the boys reluctantly drop my hands, taking a few steps back. Now isn’t the time to drop my relationship status on my mom, even if she had encouraged me to talk to them. In her eyes, they were friends and that was okay.
“We should go,” Oliver said. He took the risk to squeeze my foot as he passed the bed. Even in these circumstances, a shiver ran up my body at his touch.
“Thanks for coming to see Heaven,” my mother said, looking up at the tall boys. She was even shorter than I was, and seeing her dwarfed by their size was adorable. “Come by the house when we get home, okay?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Jackson drawled, winning her over for life.
The door shut behind them and a little bit of the light I’d felt left with them, but I felt different now. I knew where we all stood. Anderson, too. We could make this work.
“They really are sweet boys,” Mom declared, walking over to the bed and fussing with my blankets.
“Yeah,” I said, in full agreement. “They really are.”
Chapter 15
The doctor released me with directions to get some sleep and take a few days off school. There were signs of a slight concussion from hitting my head on the way to the floor. It didn’t seem like a bad idea, because even though my mind and heart felt better, my body wanted rest and sleep.
Anxiety does that to a person, the build-up of stress and emotions, the physical pain and mental anguish. I was learning how to deal with it—the Allendale Four helped. Reclaiming my voice did, too. I liked the new me; the bold clothing and more socially active side. I just wished whoever had it out for me would back off. It wasn’t funny anymore.
I was propped on the couch obsessing over it, scrolling through the fake-account’s feed looking at a slew of new photos. The old ones were still up; me and Justin leaving the bedroom at the party. The day with Eric in the school parking lot—and later that week with Garrett in the coffee shop. Benjamin at my locker. After that it shifts to real moments, intimate ones between me and the boys. Me and Hayden in the smoking garden behind school. Jackson kissing me on the deck at the house party. Oliver holding my hand in the parking lot at school.
Whoever was doing this spent a lot of time documenting my life. Way too much time, and more and more it seemed less like an asshole getting his kicks but someone with serious problems.
The refrigerator door slammed and I jumped, having given myself a case of the willies. It was just my mom.
She walked in carrying a bowl of mint ice cream and handed it over. I shut off the photo app and tucked my phone under the cushion. “Thanks,” I said, taking the bowl and spoon. “So, when do you go in to work.”
“I asked Captain O’Neal for a few days off, he and Deputy Atkinson have things under control.”
I frowned. “What? No, Mom, we can’t afford that.”
She smoothed the blanket over my legs. “It’s fine. This is more important and I’m not leaving you alone right now.”
Guilt wracked me. There was no way we could afford for Mom to take a few days off work. She’d already taken one, and then the hospital bills. I inhaled and said, “What if someone else came over to hang out with me.” Truthfully, I didn’t want to be alone either.
“You mean one of those boys?” She laughed. “I’m not sure which of them has a crush on you or if it’s all of them, so no way.”
“You said they were sweet.”
“I don’t doubt they’re nice boys, Heaven, but they’re boys all the same. Now if you wanted to invite Justin over, that could maybe work.”
“Mom, Justin is also a boy.”
She rolled her eyes. “I know that, but he’s also Justin. You’ve known him since diapers.”
Mothers: not the sharpest tools in the box. She had no clue that Justin was why I was in such a mess these days, or ultimately the reason I had four new “sweet” boys following me around. But if it got her back to work, then I’d call him.
“Fine, let me contact him.” I pulled back out my phone, making sure she couldn’t see any photos. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen him.”
“You’ve been friends for a long time. It will be good to catch up.”
And awkward, I thought, sending a text instead. I didn’t go into detail, but Justin quickly agreed to come over and offered to spend the night. He knew the situation with my mom.
“He’ll be here in an hour.”
“Great,” her former tense expression broke into relief. “I’ll call Captain O’Neal.” She dropped a kiss on my forehead and left the room.
She was right. Justin and I needed to catch up. I just had to figure out exactly how much I was going to tell him.
*
The all-consuming bear hug Justin gave me when I answered the door a little while later felt good. Right. It had been way too long since we’d seen one another.
“Make her rest,” my mom said on her way out the door, after receiving her own hug. Justin frowned at the directive but simply nodded. “There’s lasagna in the fridge. I expect it to be gone when I get back home.”
“You got it, Ms. R.” His eyes brightened at the idea of food.
The door shut behind her and her truck sputtered to a start on the third crank. Justin studied me from the doorway. “What was that all about?”
“Thanks for coming over,” I said, heading back to the couch. I definitely felt a little woozy and my head hurt. “I had a little episode and Mom didn’t want to leave me alone.”
He sprang to life, following me to the couch and offering me his arm to ease down. “What kind of episode?”
I took a deep breath. “I had a pretty bad panic attack. I was at the library and just felt overwhelmed. I passed out—hit my head.”
His eyes widen and the line that appeared between his eyes when he was worried shows up. “Holy shit. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. It was just the accumulation of some stuff. A big project, new friends, constant online bullying…”
He sat on the couch and dragged my legs over his. “I’ve seen the photos. I’m so sorry I got you into all this. I thought they would stop but…Heaven, who are all those guys?”
I pulled out my phone and opened the app. With my index finger I flipped through each one. “You—fake. Eric—fake, which you already knew because oh my god you never told me he was gay!”
“Sorry. Not my place.”
I huffed, knowing he was right. “Garrett fake. Ben fake.” My finger hovered over the next one. Hayden and I in the garden. I could still smell him; the sexy mixture of cologne and rain. I recalled the way his lips felt on my forehead.
“And this guy?” he asked, narrowing his eyes. “That’s Hayden Perkins, right? I played football against him. Big soccer star now?”
“Yeah, that’s Hayden.”
“You caught the attention of one of the Allendale Four. Impressive.” He peers at the photo. “Although in that outfit…damn, you look hot.”
I blushed at the compliment, even if it did come from Justin, and flipped through the others, my finger moving fast. I didn’t add any commentary. “You’ve kept up this charade for a long time. No wonder you’re exhausted. I never should have gotten you into this. It wasn’t worth it.”
I shifted uncomfortably. Justin’s request started all of this. Some of it was bad, but other parts? It changed me into a different—better—per
son. I wanted him to know that.
“Not all of those were fake,” I confessed.
His eyebrows shot up. “No?”
“No. I’ve met some really amazing guys. They mean a lot to me. That never would have happened if we didn’t fake having sex that night.”
His jaw ticked and his shoulders visibly tightened. “You’re saying they like you because of what they think happened to us?”
I shook my head. “No. No, absolutely not. There are some guys that did act that way and I’ve learned a lot about everyone at school. But not everyone is awful. These guys, they defended me. They’ve protected me from the slimeballs at school. The disgusting perverts like Spencer and Mark. They’re my…friends.”
“Are you sure? Because if they’re using you—or messing with you in any way, Heaven, I will tear them apart limb by limb.”
I touched his shoulder. “They’re not. I promise.”
He exhaled, calming a little. “Any idea who’s taking the photos?”
“No. It’s creepy as hell, too. They seem to be everywhere.” I’d been hesitant to use the word. “It’s like they’re stalking me.”
“Have you told your mom?”
“What? No. I can’t get her involved in this.”
Justin ran his hand through his black hair. “Sure you can. She works for the police. They’ll believe you.”
The thought of humiliating myself more didn’t sit well. I wanted my boys and some peace of mind. The look on Justin’s face was clear how he thought about it and to get him to chill I said, “I’ll think about it. For real.”
He relented and stood up. “I’m going to heat up the lasagna. You pick out a movie, okay?”
“Yep,” I said and he mussed my hair. Just like that, things were back to normal. I had my friend. I had the Allendale Four. Things were finally looking up.
Chapter 16
“Awkward” was the best word I could use to describe my return to school a few days later. Even after his declaration at the hospital, I dreaded seeing Anderson. In fact, I would have skipped the entire day if that stupid project wasn’t due. Which, by the way, was the only reason I was able to talk my mom out of changing my schedule. No reason to blow my grade now that things were under control, or at least that was my excuse.
