by Ivy Smoak
She nodded. She looked so pretty in the glow emanating off the pool lights. It almost felt like I was dreaming. The most beautiful girl I had ever laid my eyes on wanted me. This had to be a dream.
"What are you so scared of?" she asked with a seductive smile.
Falling for you. But in my head I knew it was too late. I didn't want to say goodbye to this girl tomorrow. I couldn't even imagine it. No one would ever make me feel this whole again. I'm pretty sure I had already fallen. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Fuck.
"I dare you," she said with smile.
"Oh, well in that case." I walked over to the edge of the pool beside her. "And since you lied during truth or dare..." I grabbed her hand and jumped into the water, pulling her in with me.
Her laughter was drowned out by the sound of us splashing into the water. I had never swam in shoes before and definitely not a suit and bowtie. When I emerged from the water, I was greeted by her smiling face.
"I was actually going to say we should skinny dip," she said as she wrapped her arms around the back of my neck and hitched her legs around my hips. "But this is way better."
"Especially since your dress is virtually see-through when it's wet."
"What?" she said with a laugh as she looked down at the front of her dress. "Oh my God."
I hadn't been lying. You could clearly see her nipples through the tight red fabric.
She pressed herself more firmly against my torso to help hide herself. "I have a confession to make."
I slid my hands to her ass. "And what is that?"
"I don't think Vegas is really for me. I like wearing jeans and tank tops. And watching a movie or reading a book at night. This place is insane. And I really just wanted to come out here because it's way too bright inside."
God this girl was perfect for me. "I agree with all of that. Except I'd probably be wearing sweatpants and no shirt."
She smiled. "I think I could get used to that."
And her words broke my heart a little. Because I could get used to it too. I wanted to come home to her every day.
"Tyler?" she said, batting her wet eyelashes.
"Hailey?"
She smiled. "You do realize that whenever we both get wet we end up in each other's arms?"
"I've noticed."
"I don't want tonight to end." She pressed her forehead against mine. "I just want to stay in this moment forever. I want to stop time."
I took a deep breath. "Me too." God, me too.
"Then let me change your mind." She pulled her face away from mine. Her eyes had suddenly grown teary. And it killed me. Because I wanted her to be able to. I wanted to be able to hold on to her. But I couldn't be that selfish. I would never do that to her.
"I can only give you tonight, Hails. That's all I have left."
Chapter 37
Hailey
Wednesday
I searched his face. That wasn't true. He had more than just tonight. He had his whole life. Three years wasn't that long. "I'll wait for you."
He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "I don't want you to."
I knew he was being kind, in his own way. But the words sounded harsh to my ears. Maybe if I was someone else he'd want me to wait. Maybe it was me. I unwound my legs from his waist and unclasped my hands from his neck.
"Hails." His face looked pained. "That came out wrong. I just...I couldn't live with myself if I made you wait."
"You wouldn't be making me wait. I'd be choosing to. And it's not like I wouldn't get to see you for three years. You get leave. We could talk on the phone."
"I can't, Hailey."
"Some girls are married to men who are enlisted. You're blowing this out of proportion. People do this all the time."
"Exactly, Hails. People that are married. They've known each other for a long time. We haven't."
"I know the way you make me feel."
He didn't say anything in response. Which in its own way was the only response I needed. I didn't make him feel the way he made me feel. Or else he'd want to see what we had. It felt like my world was crashing down around me. I swam over to the edge of the pool and hoisted myself out.
I grabbed my shoes and started walking back toward the hotel.
"Hails, wait."
But I was already closing the door behind me. I was so embarrassed. I ran over to the elevator and hit the button with my fist, trying to ignore the people staring at me and the puddle of water that I was leaving on the ornate marble flooring. All day had been fun and lighthearted and I had just ruined it. As soon as the elevator doors opened, I stepped inside.
That had been my last chance to change his mind. I looked down at the keycard in my hand. I had no idea why I was running to our hotel room. It wasn't like that was escaping from him. He was just going to follow me and I was just going to tell him everything was fine. But it wasn't. His constant rejection was slowly unraveling me. Or maybe I was already unraveled. The doors dinged open when the elevator reached my floor.
As soon as I was in my room, I let my back slide down the wall until my butt hit the floor. And I let myself cry. Really cry. For the first time since I had found out about my dad and the bar. For the first time since my life as I knew it was over. I cried because I was terrified. And not just terrified of losing my dad, but terrified of seeing Elena tomorrow. I was upset with myself for feeling weak. I was crying because I had fallen in love with a boy who loved someone else. The thought just made me cry harder. I loved him. How could I love him after only knowing him for several days? I shouldn't have felt like this. How had I let myself be this vulnerable?
I heard the door click open, but I didn't look up.
"Hailey?" His voice was gentle as he put his hand on my shoulder.
"Tyler, I get it, okay?" I wiped away my tears without looking at him. "You don't have to say anything."
"I don't think you do."
"No, I definitely do. I'm not worth waiting for. It's pretty simple, really." I pushed his hands off of me and stood up.
"That's not what I said."
"Okay, fine. I'm not as good as her, then."
"Who? Penny? Hails, this has nothing to do with Penny."
"Doesn't it?"
He put his hand under my chin and made me look at him. "It's me, okay? It's nothing you did."
"Just stop. You don't have to feed me some bullshit line, Tyler. If you felt the same way I feel, it wouldn't matter. You make me feel like I can breathe again. You make me laugh. You make me feel like everything is going to be okay. You make me feel safe." God, I'm pathetic.
Again he didn't say anything. And again it made my blood boil.
"God, I'm such an idiot," I said.
"No. No, Hails. I feel it too."
I shook my head.
"You make me feel whole again." He stepped forward, effectively sandwiching me between him and the wall. "You make me feel like there's something worth living for."
I watched his Adam's apple rise and fall.
"You make me feel like I'm not broken. I'm so sick of feeling broken."
"You're not broken, Tyler." I touched the side of his face. "Not to me."
He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss against my lips. I leaned into him. But this was different than our other kisses. There was no haste. It was slow and passionate. And if it was possible, I loved it even more.
"You deserve more than what I can give you," he whispered against my lips. "You deserve so much more."
"I just want you. I only want what you can give me."
He lifted me in his arms and placed me gently on the bed. His face looked pained. Maybe he didn't feel like he could say how he felt. But that was okay, because he didn't have to say it. He wanted to give me the world. I could see it in his eyes. And I just hoped that I was enough for him. That I could fill that hole in his heart.
I held my breath as he knelt down in front of me on the bed. He locked eyes with me as he spread my thighs apart and leaned down betw
een them. He kissed the inside of my thigh and made a slow ascent up.
Jesus.
Every other time we had been intimate I had asked him to fuck me. But that wasn't what I wanted in this moment. I wanted all of him. His body, his soul, his heart. He already had mine.
***
My chest felt tight because we hadn't come to any understanding. He made love to me like it was his last chance. Not like it was the start of something great, but like it was the end. I didn't want to face reality. I wanted to live in this dream world that we created. Where we traveled all over the US and stayed in fancy hotels. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to face whatever came next.
Tyler's arms were wrapped tightly around me and his breathing was deep. I knew he was asleep. I turned toward him and stared at his perfect face in the darkness. "I love you," I whispered to him. And I knew he couldn't hear me. It was probably better than way. But I also knew I'd regret it my whole life if I never told him. "I love you, Tyler Stevens."
My eyes prickled with tears. Today was going to be hard. First I had to get down on my hands and knees and beg Elena for money that I feared she wouldn't give me. And then I had to say goodbye to Tyler. Even though my heart was filled with fear at the idea of seeing Elena, I knew the latter would be harder. Saying goodbye to Tyler was going to break me. Especially since I didn't understand why I had to. I didn't understand why his heart wasn't big enough for me, why no one's ever was.
The sun was starting to stream through the windows, casting shadows across Tyler's face. Maybe I was crazy. I didn't really know Tyler. I didn't know his dreams and goals. I didn't even know his middle name. All I knew was his pain. But in my heart, I knew that if this side of him was so wonderful, if he gave me all of him, it would be amazing. I was in love with this pained version of him because it was a reflection of myself. And for a brief moment, we had both been so much better, so much happier.
I studied the scruff along his strong jaw line and the slope of his nose. I tried to memorize every detail. I wanted something to hold on to when I went home. Something good. Something more hopeful than the fear that resided in my own heart. And even as I thought it, I felt myself putting my walls back up. I just hoped it wasn't too late to protect myself from shattering into a million pieces.
Chapter 38
Tyler
Thursday
I woke up to the sound of the TV. I slowly opened my eyes. Hailey was sitting on the edge of the bed in a tank top and cutoff jean shorts, completely engrossed in the TV. I glanced at the screen.
The news reporter was standing outside the hospital talking about how tech mogul, James Hunter, had just woken up from his coma. I quickly sat up in bed. "He's awake?"
Hailey turned toward me and smiled. "Yeah."
"Thank God." I sighed. I hadn't realized how worried I had actually been until it was finally over. He was awake. Penny was going to be okay. I didn't have to worry anymore. I don't have to think about her anymore. Maybe I could finally let go. Maybe we really could just be friends. I stared at the back of Hailey's head. The truth was, I didn't have feelings for Penny anymore. Josh was probably right. When I had met her, I needed something good to hold on to. What if I was doing the same thing with Hailey? If I was being honest, I was scared shitless of joining the marines. Maybe I was focusing on her so much because it made me feel better. I needed to stop making the same mistakes. I needed to stick to my gut and focus on the decisions I had already made. In three years, if I really did feel the same way, I'd find her. But I couldn't think about that right now. For once in my life, I had to focus on myself.
"Are you going to call her?" Hailey asked. "To see if she's okay?"
I shook my head. "No. I know she's okay." Now that James was awake, she was good. She'd be okay.
Hailey nodded and switched off the TV. "Could we maybe get going? I brought your stuff in from the car." She gestured to the bags on the floor as she stood up.
I wasn't in a hurry to get going. We hadn't really talked about it, but the original plan was to drop her off in Pasadena. To say goodbye. The thought made me feel slightly nauseous. But it was inevitable. Today had to be goodbye. Maybe she'd still want to see the Pacific Ocean though. I just needed a little more time.
"Yeah." I climbed out of bed and stretched. "Do you know where in Pasadena you're going exactly?"
"I have it all mapped out." She pulled the map out of the back pocket of her jeans. "It takes about three and a half hours to get there from here."
I pulled on a t-shirt. "Do you want breakfast before we get going? I'm starving."
"Sure." She didn't look at me. Her fingers were pulling on the strands of fabric on her jean shorts.
I could tell she was nervous, but I didn't really know what to say. Instead, I wrapped my arms around her. "It's going to be okay."
"You don't know that."
I ran my fingers through her hair. "If worse comes to worst and the business fails, you can start over, Hails. I know it seems bad right now, but it won't break you."
She stepped back from me and pulled her sunglasses down over her eyes. "Yeah, of course. What doesn't kill you makes your stronger right?" She didn't try to hide the sarcasm in her voice. "Let's just get this over with okay?" She pulled her duffel bag over her shoulder and walked out of the room.
***
Hailey barely spoke during breakfast. And now I had been watching her knee bounce up and down nonstop for three hours in the car.
This morning I had thought she was worried about going to Pasadena and applying for the loan she needed. But now it seemed like she was just mad at me. And as the minutes ticked by and I got closer to saying goodbye, it was starting to feel like I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to walk away on a bad note. I didn't want to remember our time together like this.
I cleared my throat. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.
"No. Not really." Her eyes stayed glued to the map in her lap.
"I need you to know how much this past week has meant to me. How much you..."
"Not everything is about you, Tyler." She was gripping the map so tightly that it was starting to tear under her hands.
"Okay." Neither one of us said anything for a few minutes. I cleared my throat again. "There's plenty of places to get loans."
She shook her head. "Not when you owe as much money as we do." Her knee continued to bounce up and down.
I placed my hand on it. "It's going to be okay."
"Why do you keep saying that?" She pulled her knee away from my hand. "Take a right up here."
I followed her directions.
"How about I come in with you? I'm good at negotiating..."
"Tyler, please stop. Take a left here."
"Well, how about I wait for you outside then?" I turned left. "We talked about seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time together. We can walk around the beach and get lunch. I don't have to report to basic training until tomorrow."
"Why are you making this harder than it needs to be?"
"I don't want to just leave you in Pasadena alone. We can hang out for the rest of the day and I can drop you off at LAX on my way to San Diego."
"Turn right, into that neighborhood."
Why the hell are we going into a neighborhood? But I turned right and started driving past the fanciest houses. They reminded me of Josh's, only even bigger. The only word I could think of to describe them was ostentatious. No one needed a house this big unless they had ten children and their in-laws living with them.
"Stop right here." She pointed to a house on the right.
I pulled up out front of the long driveway that led to what I would classify as a mansion. But all I could focus on was her knee bouncing up and down. We sat there for a moment in silence, the engine still running. I felt like I was going to be sick.
Hailey sighed. "I don't really know what to say, Tyler. You know how I feel about you. And I understand where you're coming from with your decision." She shrugged her shoulders. "
So, I guess this is it. I really appreciate the ride." She stuck out her hand to me.
"Hails..."
"Tyler, please don't make this harder than it has to be." She lowered her hand.
"I'll just wait right here and when you're done we..."
"I don't want you to wait," she said, throwing back the words I had said to her last night.
I swallowed hard.
"Can you respect that or not?"
"Yeah, Hails. Of course."
She opened the car door and grabbed her duffel bag out of the back seat. "You know where to find me after you get out," she said as her fingers wrapped around the passenger's side door. "If you want to."
"I know where to find you."
We locked eyes for a second and she nodded.
"Good luck, Tyler. I hope you find what you're looking for."
"Good luck to you too."
And with that, she closed the door. When she was halfway up the driveway she turned around to look at me. And then she pointed with her finger to the exit of the neighborhood.
I had asked her not to wait for me. The least I could do was not wait for her either. I waved.
She waved.
And then I drove away, without looking back, even though it felt like I was suffocating.
Chapter 39
Hailey
Thursday
I watched Tyler's car disappear down the street. I felt like sitting down in the middle of Elena's driveway and crying. But I had completely shut down this morning. I felt the pain, but I didn't truly feel it. The only way to deal with today was to try and not feel anything. Tyler was gone. And I was still standing. I was still breathing. I knew I had been defensive with him this morning. But what other choice did I have? I had to do enough begging today as it was. I wasn't going to beg him to be with me if he didn't want to be.
I stowed my duffel bag behind a bush. As soon as I was done talking to Elena, I'd call an Uber and get the fuck out of Pasadena and go home. I missed my dad. I missed my home. This adventure had been fun, but this was the reason I was here. Not to fall in love. Not to have fun. But to save my dad. Nothing else mattered.
