by Ivy Smoak
"I'm okay, Mom. It's just really good to see you."
She slowly released me from her hug.
"You don't look good." She put her hands on my shoulders.
I laughed. "Thanks."
She waved my comment away. "You know what I mean. Have you been eating okay? I guess you've been mostly eating at restaurants and such. You need a home cooked meal. Come in, come in."
I dropped my backpack in the hall and followed her into the kitchen. Even if I had just eaten a Thanksgiving feast, if my mom believed I was hungry, I'd have to eat. So I might as well have some food. Besides, a home cooked meal actually sounded perfect.
I tried to ignore the fact that she was staring at me while I ate. It was clear that she could tell something was bothering me. But I didn't feel like talking about it. Just thinking about Hailey put a lump in my throat.
"Is this about Penny getting married?"
I choked on my food. "Is what about Penny getting married?"
"This." She waved her arm in front of me.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Mom."
"You've been in love with that girl ever since you met her. And if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, that girl is not the one for you. You know I love her to death. She's a sweetheart. But you need someone with a little more oomph if you know what I mean. To deal with all this." She waved her arm in front of me again.
I laughed. "Am I so hard to deal with?"
"Yes. You get it from your father."
I shook my head. "So basically you want me to be with someone a little more like you? Is that it?"
"Exactly. Someone who can take care of you. And remind you to eat."
"I've been eating."
"If you say so. Really, it should be a sweet girl who pushes your buttons enough to get you to tell her what's really bothering you."
I put my fork down.
"One that will tell you that you're being an idiot when you try to do something like sign up for the marines on a whim." She raised her eyebrow at me.
"It wasn't a whim. I was trying to make Dad and Granddad proud."
"And you think you would have asked me if joining the marines would have done that. I would have told you that it wouldn't. Just because your grandfather did it doesn't mean it was the right fit for you. They both wanted something better for you than they had. That's what all parents want. But no, you didn't ask me."
"I'm sorry. You're right. I should have asked you."
"Exactly. Now that's enough food for you." She stood up and pulled my plate away. "You can eat again when you tell me what's wrong with you."
"There's nothing wrong."
"If there wasn't anything wrong you wouldn't have driven across the country. If nothing was wrong you wouldn't have somehow miraculously un-enlisted from the marines. And don't tell me you're on the run because I don't want to be any part of that."
"I'm not..."
"Hush."
My mom hadn't hushed me since I was a kid. Geez, she really was mad at me.
"And you certainly wouldn't be here if there wasn't something wrong. You have a perfectly good apartment in New York. So tell me what's wrong or you can go to your room."
I laughed. But it didn't look like she was joking. "It has nothing to do with Penny."
"Then tell me what it does have to do with."
Fuck. She really did know how to push my buttons. "I messed everything up."
She sat down next to me and squeezed my hand.
"I met this girl on the way to basic training. She's sweet but she tells me when I'm being an idiot. She's real. And she's way too good for me."
"Sounds like a keeper."
"Yeah, well...she hates me now."
"So fix it."
"It's not that simple."
"Of course it is."
"Not everything can be fixed. I can't be with someone who cries when she sees me." I suddenly felt like I was breaking. "I can't...I can't..."
"Bring dad back?"
"What?"
"Tyler, sweetie, you have to forgive yourself. It was an accident."
"It's not about that."
"Everything has been about that ever since the accident. You were a happy, carefree boy. And you've been nothing but trouble since then."
"Trouble?"
"Yes, trouble. All I do is worry about you. You go around pretending everything is okay, when I can see that you're suffering. Your father was so proud of you. Your grandfather was so proud of you. They both loved you more than life itself. They wouldn't want you to be living like this."
"Living like what?"
"Like you don't deserve happiness!"
I wanted to say I wasn't doing that. But I was. I convinced myself I was in love with Penny for three years. Probably just to torture myself. And I sure as hell told myself enough times that I didn't deserve her. That I was meant to be alone.
"You need to do what makes you happy. Isn't that really the only thing that matters? We don't have enough time on this earth to spend sad and regretful. It's too much work, sweetie."
"I miss him."
"Then look in the mirror. You're a spitting image of your father when he was your age." She patted my cheek and stood up. "You can have brownies now."
"I'm really not hungry."
"Nonsense. You're too thin." She put the pan down in front of me. "These were your dad's favorite too."
Chapter 63
Hailey
Monday
Elena,
I forgive you. I forgive you for the things you said to me before you left when I was a kid. I forgive you for abandoning me. I forgive you for not responding to my hundreds of letters. I forgive you for asking my dad to make me stop writing. I forgive you for pretending I was a stranger after ignoring me for 15 years. I forgive you for not giving me the money to save my dad. I forgive you.
Life is too short to hold on to all this anger. My wonderful father taught me that. He was all I ever needed. He shaped me into the person I am and he was proud of me. That's enough for me. I sincerely hope you find whatever it is you're looking for in life. Because I've found what I've been looking for.
-Hailey
I folded the letter and put it in an envelope as the taxi sped through the city. I no longer hated her. And I'd never love her. I don't even remember a time when I did. Now she was nothing to me at all. Now I could let go.
The taxi pulled up in front of a tall building adjacent to Central Park. I couldn't help but think how amazing the view would be from inside. That was, if I was allowed to see it. I stepped out onto the city street after paying the cab driver. As soon as I did, the cabbie pulled away from the curb, leaving me alone in the middle of the city.
But there were people everywhere. I spun around in a circle. It was like I had stepped into a movie. The whole city felt alive. It was exhilarating. And intimidating. Someone bumped into me, almost knocking me over.
Luckily there was a big blue mailbox right outside the building. I dropped the letter I had written to Elena into it and sighed when I closed it. One thing down, one to go. My hands shook slightly as I opened up the door to the apartment building that I'd never in a million years be able to afford. As soon as I stepped inside, I realized how underdressed I was in my tank top and jean shorts. The man behind the front desk was in a suit. But none of that really matter. I just hoped this was the right place. And I prayed that they'd be willing to speak to me.
"Hi," I said. "I'm here to see Penny Hunter."
He looked down at a clipboard. "I'm sorry, the Hunters don't have any scheduled visitors today. Can I please get your name?"
"Oh, yes, I didn't call ahead. I'm a friend of a friend. My name is Hailey Shaw."
He opened up another binder. "You're not on their list of approved guests." He looked me up and down.
"I know. I'm a friend of Tyler Stevens. I'm sure he's been here before."
"Mr. Stevens is on the list. You, unfortunately, are not." He just stared
at me.
Was he expecting me to go? I wasn't going to go. I wasn't going to give up that easily. "It's really important that I speak to her. Can't you call her and tell her that it's me?" Would she know me? She had seen Tyler a few days ago. Would he have told her about me?
"I'm sorry, Ms. Shaw. There isn't anything I can do."
"You can just tell her that it's Tyler's friend. She'll understand. Please can't you just ask if she's willing to speak with me?"
His eyes bulged slightly. "Excuse me for one second." He grabbed a stack of mail and walked around the desk and toward the door.
James Hunter had just walked into the building. I swallowed hard. It was like seeing a celebrity. He grabbed the mail from the concierge and thanked him. The concierge tried to hurry him along to the elevator. He was trying to make it so that I couldn't speak to James.
Finally my feet started working and I walked up to them. "Are you James Hunter?" I don't know why I said it like that. I knew it was him. He looked just like his pictures.
He glanced at the concierge and then me. "Yes?"
"Oh, don't mind her," the concierge said. "Ms. Shaw was just leaving. Right?"
"James, I'm a friend of Tyler Stevens. We met a few weeks ago. And I need to speak with him. I don't have his number or his address and I was hoping you could help me find him."
"I'll call security, sir," the concierge said. "She's probably just paparazzi. I'll take care of her."
"No, it's okay, Rodgers," James said slowly. "What did you say your name was?"
"Hailey. Hailey Shaw. Tyler and I were on this crazy spur of the moment road trip and I just really, really need to speak to him."
"We've actually heard all about you. But my wife is having really bad morning sickness. Let me see if she's up for a visitor." He pulled out his phone and put it to his ear.
Penny's pregnant? I couldn't believe I didn't know that. But I had been pretty isolated the past week. It had been a while since I had last turned on the TV.
"You'll never guess who's standing in our lobby right now." Pause. "Hailey Shaw. Tyler's Hailey." He smiled at me. "I thought that would be your answer. We'll be right up." Pause. He looked in the grocery bag he was holding. "Yup. And one extra thing I hope you'll like." Pause. "I love you too."
That had to have been the cutest conversation I had ever witnessed.
"Thanks for checking, Rodgers. But you can add Miss Shaw to our list."
"Very well."
James nodded toward the elevators and I followed him. "I'm sorry about all that," he said as we both stepped on. "After everything that happened, I just want to make sure we wouldn't be getting any unexpected visitors."
"No, I completely understand. And I'm glad you're okay."
He smiled. "You don't even know me."
"I've read about your story. About you and Penny specifically. I was always rooting for you two."
"Thank you." He looked a little surprised to hear that.
I knew they had gotten a lot of bad publicity for their relationship. A professor falling in love with his student probably wasn't usually front page news. But a professor as famous as James Hunter? Their relationship had been smeared in front of the whole country. I had read that they couldn't leave their apartment for months because the paparazzi were harassing them. They had been through so much already. And then they were finally getting their happy ending and he was shot.
I tried not to blatantly stare at him. He was classically tall, dark, and handsome. But he looked a little paler than he did in pictures I had seen. I watched him put his hand out on the railing of the elevator, as if he was steadying himself. He was clearly still in pain. And rightfully so. He had been shot three times, all just barely missing his heart. He probably should have still been resting.
"Did you want me to carry that?"
He smiled. "I'm okay. But thank you for offering."
"Are you sure? I know you're still recovering. Shouldn't you be resting?"
He laughed. "My wife nags me enough about that, trust me." He let go of the handrail and stood up a little straighter.
I wish he didn't feel like he needed to do that for my benefit. But I also understood. I was a proud person too.
The elevator dinged open. James pulled out his key and unlocked the door.
The first thing I noticed when I stepped inside was the breathtaking view. All I could see was miles and miles of Central Park and tall buildings in the distance. The apartment was immaculate. It was all marble and glass and stainless steel. I turned in a circle. Penny was sitting at the kitchen island drinking a cup of tea. She was every bit as beautiful as she was in pictures and on TV. She slowly got up out of her chair with a big smile.
"You feeling better?" James asked and kissed her forehead.
"Yes, you were right, the tea helped." She peeped into the grocery bag James was holding and pulled out a bag of potato chips. "You're the best." She smiled up at him.
James cleared his throat. "This is Hailey Shaw," James said and gestured to me.
"Hi, Hailey." She walked over to me and stuck out her hand. "I'm Penny."
I shook her hand. "I know. I mean, I've seen you guys. Well, like, I've heard of you." Stop being awkward. I couldn't help myself. This was the closest I had ever really been to celebrities. Even if they didn't consider themselves as such, I sure did.
Penny smiled. "It's okay. I guess we've been on the news a lot recently with everything that's been going on. It's really nice to meet you. But I am surprised that you're here. The last time we saw Tyler, he was heading to you. Did you two miss each other?"
"No, not exactly."
She opened the bag of potato chips. "I promise I'm more excited to see you than a bag of chips. I'm just hungry. Did you want some?" She held it out for me.
"No, I'm okay."
"I'm sorry, I'm being rude. Come in and have a seat. Did you want something to drink?"
"I'm fine. I'm not trying to inconvenience you at all."
"It's no inconvenience."
Penny was probably the sweetest person I had ever met. She wasn't feeling well. James wasn't feeling well. Yet here they both were, being nice to a complete stranger.
"No, no, I'm really okay," I said. "Tyler and I had this fight. He might not even want you to give me his number, but I had to try. I thought he lied to me. When I called the San Diego Recruit Depot they said they had no record of him enlisting. I freaked out. It's hard to explain, but I was writing these letters and they all got returned and I just thought he had abandoned me."
"The San Diego Recruit Depot? Isn't that where the Marine Corps trains?" Penny asked.
"Yeah. He was reporting to basic training last Friday."
"Why would he do that?" She looked upset. Like she knew maybe her decisions had pushed him there.
"He had a lot of reasons." I didn't want her to feel bad. "He said he needed to start over."
She pressed her lips together and nodded. "So what happened? You said he's not there now, right?"
"They immediately un-enlisted him. They held him in a jail cell for a week while they closed your investigation. Something about him being a part of it."
"What? The case was closed last week. James, I thought..." her voice trailed off when she looked at him.
I turned toward him too. He hadn't said a word. He was just looking down at his hands.
"James, what did you do?" Penny asked.
"Nothing you wouldn't have." He looked up at her and gave her a small smile.
"I can't believe you." She shook her head, but she didn't actually look upset.
"He was going to get himself killed. He was making a rash decision because he was upset. There was no way he actually wanted to go through with it."
"And how would you know that without talking to him about it? You can't meddle in people's life decisions. We've already talked about this. A few times."
"If something had happened to him, you never would have forgiven yourself. I couldn't live with th
at. Not when I knew I could stop it." He stood up and put his arm around her shoulders.
"Thank you." The words spilled out of my mouth before I could even stop them. I knew Tyler was tough. But I had been so worried too. And it seemed like he had enlisted for the wrong reasons, despite what he had said.
James smiled at me.
Penny shook her head but she still looked more unbelieving than angry. "Is that why you gave him the car? To make up for what you did?"
"I was being nice." He kissed her temple.
She sighed. "Well I'd say I hope he's happy, but clearly he's not since Hailey is here and not with him." They both turned back toward me.
"I know I messed everything up by sending him away. But I just thought...I assumed the worst. I shouldn't have. It's been a tough week for me and I wasn't exactly in a good place. He left a note explaining everything though. And I need to see him. I just...I love him so much and I need him to know. Please, you have to help me. I didn't know where else to go. There's hundreds of Tyler Stevens just in New York alone."
Penny smiled up at James. "Everyone deserves a second chance."
James nodded.
She grabbed a piece of paper and started writing down some information off her phone. "Here is his number, his mom's number, and a couple of his friends' numbers. Also, his address is on here, but I doubt he's there. It kind of seemed like he wanted to be as far away from New York as possible." She pressed her lips together again, like it pained her because she knew the reason why.
From everything Tyler had said about their relationship, I thought she was a tease. Maybe it had been that way between them before. But from what I could see, she just cared about him. She wanted him to be happy. And it physically hurt her that she was causing him pain. I respected her so much for that. I didn't have any friendships that were that strong. But I could see myself getting along really well with her.
"I hope you can find him, Hailey," said James. "Tyler and I have had our differences, but he's a good guy. I hope that you two can make each other happy. Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I think I'm going to go lie down for a bit."
