by Yarro Rai
He slowly moved forward, put his hand around my waist, and pulled me closer. His warm breath touched my face and he didn’t rush but slowly moved us together as if he were asking permission to my soul. He had the most unique lips--they were dry and parched, but the contact still gave me chills that shook my body to the core. He evoked me.
Before I could catch myself, I pushed Johnny against the wall and our lips started to battle. The intensity was raising rapidly. I slid my hand inside his shirt, touching his bare body, and then moving down towards his sexy butt. But then something strange happened.
He pushed me away.
His breathe had increased and he bent towards the ground, as if in pain. It was strange for me because we had been so passionate, but suddenly, he looked uncomfortable and almost afraid.
“Are you okay, Johnny?” I asked him. He was really gasping for air, and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. I worried that maybe he was having some kind of breathing problem because he smoked, but I had no idea that it was something much deeper than that. I began to rub his back gently until his breathing returned to normal.
“Johnny, what happened? Are you okay?”
“Nothing. It’s just that when I get cozy with someone...Well, it triggers ...I ... I'm okay. I'm okay.”
“Are you sure? Should we go to the hospital? Do you need medical attention?” I was afraid after seeing the sudden change in him.
“I don’t need anything. I just need your love.”
He looked at me with passion shining in his eyes, and we started to kiss again. Two young bodies, two young souls caressed each other and prepared to burn with passion. The intensity was so great that I forgot about the ring, about Aadish, and about everything else. The only thing on my mind was Johnny, and more Johnny.
It was going to be my first time. I'm not lying. Though Aadish and I had come close many times years ago, I just never felt like it was right. Plus, with the responsibility of running a business empire, there was no time to think about all these things.
But with Johnny it was different. Call it female intuition, but I could just feel and know when there was something more. With Johnny, it was different.
Johnny kissed me on my forehead and then my cheeks and moved to my neck, my breast, and my navel. It was as if he was unlocking me to set me free.
“My god, you are beautiful.”
I blushed at the compliment. He seemed to be lost in me. I closed my eyes and played with his hair. His rough body was like a journal filled with scars and marks, and it turned me on.
What if it doesn’t feel like what it's supposed to? How will I know if it's alright?
I was just enjoying the foreplay so much but Johnny was eager. I readied my body to take him, and I cried in ecstasy with his first thrust. It was almost painful at first, but he kissed me and it worked like a painkiller. Then the passion took over and Johnny started to become more rough and dominating. Tears fell from eyes as my body wanted to rest, but the burn had begun and there was no going back. The ashes could no longer be turned into paper. He dipped his head into my hair and kept on losing himself with every thrust I took in.
Oh, God. We were one, we were one, and I couldn’t believe it. It was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced in my life. We lost our grip on time, our grip on reality, as he moved back and forth increasingly. I gripped his body tightly to subdue the pain, and then we vanished from the earth for a few seconds to another dimension as I ate the fruit of orgasm. It felt like a dream.
After, we lay naked in each other’s arms.
It was an abandoned hall. Half of the roof had caved in years ago, and the sky was visible and moonlight fell upon us as if we were lying on an abandoned stage.
“God! Where are we?” I asked Johnny.
He looked just as confused and I was. We both didn’t know how we ended up there. The last thing I remembered, we were in street. Then it all became a dream.
“So now what, Esther?” He asked me.
The sky was still visible to me. I looked up at the blinking stars, almost unaware that he had asked me a question.
“I don’t know..." I responded absentmindedly. "Now that you've screwed the most beautiful girl in the city, now what? Now I'll be less to you than I was before. Right now, you have the upper hand, and soon my place will fade away, right?”
I didn’t know why I said it. I think I was scared that our love would end up like other's.
“I would rather die.” He said after pausing. There was so much emotion in his voice.
I sighed with relief, and couldn't help but be amazed. I still remember his exact words, his exact intonation. I had spoken my fears out loud. Then it was his turn.
“What can you do for me? I mean, tomorrow your bodyguards will come and you'll drive away in your luxurious car to your mundane, comfortable life. And what do I do? Just go back to my rotten world?”
“I'm not going anywhere. You are the music and I am the sound. And in case you didn’t notice, I never wanted to be in that world.” I locked my fingers with his.
“Then let’s run away. I don’t know where, but let’s just run away. I swear, I'll be a better man. I'll work a proper job. It won't be lavish, but it'll be enough for us. But the main thing is that we'll be together. What do you say?" He looked me in the eyes.
"Should we do it? Fuck the world!” He shouted at the moon right above us.
When you are so in love, you really don’t think logically. Everything is just secondary.
“I think I have just the place. We can run away to a tree house.”
“A tree house?”
“Yeah, it’s a tree house, but subtly engineered. There's a huge field of grass with a tree and a swing and a small stream flowing right beside it. Whenever my parents wanted some time alone away from the corporate world we used to go down there. And the fact is, nobody knows about that place except a few. Let’s go. Let's ride off into the sunset...”
“Let’s ride now.” He said playfully.
We held each other and made love again.
It was dawn. The sun was in the horizon. Johnny woke up and saw it rising over the curve of my waist, my hair shone in the sunshine. He wrote the following lines just for me.
Love, love I feel
Like a silent ocean lying beside me wetting my feet
Her hair flies away with the clouds
I am tied to it
Dragged from horizon to horizon
Blue was never the sea but the reflection of a mad sky
To fall upon her is like falling upon the sunrise
Mild and lethal at same time
Transforming my skin to a glow,
Brightening me when night resides inside me.
****
“No, there's no way.” Latif looked at Stella.
“I mean, there's so much going on in people's lives that we don’t know. There she was, smiling and giving interviews, but we had no idea that she was having this passionate affair.”
Latif looked at Stella, but she appeared nervous
“Are you okay? I mean, you look tense.”
Just as he finished his sentence, Stella's phone buzzed. She stiffened. She quickly went into the next room. Latif noticed the look on her face. She was a strong girl and there were only a few moments when she had that look. Plus, since the arrival of the diaries, nothing had been same with her.
He decided to eavesdrop.
“What do you mean by destroying the dairy? No, I think I'm getting at something. You have to be patient. I'm thinking about your offer, it’s a lot of money, but--" he heard her pause, "Wait, are you threatening me?” Just before she could continue, Latif heard a loud knock at the door.
Latif was surprised. It was twelve thirty at night, and they hadn't ordered anything.
Who could be banging on the door this late at night?
Latif moved towards the door, but Stella stopped him. She put her finger to her lips, signaling him to be quiet. Then she pick
ed up a baseball bat that had been lying on the table surrounded by files and papers. The banging on the door had stopped, but Stella cautiously moved towards the door and peeped through the eyehole. No one was there.
“Would you tell me what the hell is going on?” He whispered angrily.
“The diary, we have to finish the diary!" There was panic in her voice. "Wait ...I want you to scan the dairy. Save a copy, now. I know who we're dealing with. Tomorrow, we're selling these diaries.”
“Selling the diaries? But who will buy them?” Latif didn't want to reveal that he had been listening to her conversation.
“Oh, trust me. There are some desperate buyers. If we keep this diary, we won't be safe, so we have to sell it. But only after making a copy.”
Stella took out a cigarette from her pack in a hurry. She lit it and slowly released the smoke back into the air. She stared out the window and at the sky.
Latif looked at the Stella, hoping that she would turn, but she kept staring outside. Slowly, the room was again filled with smoke.
***
Esther’s diary
I kissed Johnny on the forehead.
“Is that okay?”
“A little lower.”
I kissed him on his eyelids. He closed them and laughed sweetly.
“That tickles. Can you come a little lower?”
“Where, your nose?” I asked just to tease him.
“No, a little lower,” He pointed towards his lips.
“Sorry, your validity has expired.”
“Really?” He latched onto me, grabbed me tightly, and kissed me.
“So, Esther, any crazy ideas for today?”
“Yes, it’s a little crazy... But we're here to make our love story the most whacky one, right? The story to tell our grandchildren.”
“Go on,” he nodded.
“Okay, remember how we used to invent stupid games when we were kids? I happen to know another game, and it’s very interesting. Are you ready?"
He nodded with a smile.
"Ok, so here it is: We both will pick one place, and one of us will be there already waiting for the other. But here's the twist: the one waiting will be in disguise. And the other one has two chances to identify the one who is disguised and mingled with the crowd. The one who wins can order the loser to do one thing, whatever he or she wishes. What do you say?” I smiled proudly.
Johnny looked at me and nodded, but his expression told me that he was still trying to understand it.
“Where do you get these crazy ideas from?”
“It’s just in my genes. I'm smart,” I winked.
“Yeah, fuck you.”
“Fuck you, are you in?” I snapped my finger and pointed at him.
“Have I ever backed down?” He grinned lightheartedly, "But what will I get after winning?”
“You have to win first. And by the way, you will never win, so it will be me who will be ordering you.”
“That’s a nice fantasy, baby. Oh... I got an excellent idea. Now I know what I want.”
“It will surprise me if it's not related to sex. I know how men are.” I rolled my eyes.
“You really are smart. Okay, if I win you have to give me a...” he gestured down.
“Disgusting, Johnny. I will never do that. Don’t ever think that I'll do that. How can you say that? I mean, we eat with the same mouth and then...No, absolutely not.”
“Don’t tell me you haven’t watched any porn.”
“I haven't.”
“Liar.”
We agreed on playing the game. The place we chose was a subway train. Later on, I would regret that decision, because he tricked me. I should have chosen a park or a more crowded place.
Johnny went to his new job working in a nearby factory. We decided that at lunch time, he would board the train we had decided upon. I had to be there in total disguise. If I hadn't run away with him, then it would have been much easier. I used to have my own makeup artist and dresser, but I finally had to manage everything on my own.
After lots of thinking, I decided that I would go disguised as an old lady. I went to a costume shop and borrowed a few things. I wore a scarf over my head to hide my neck and face. Now the only thing bothering me was the train. There had to be as many people as possible. Thankfully, the car was quite full.
I boarded the train and sat down. I looked down at my watch, knowing that he would be there any minute. I took a last glimpse at myself in a small mirror I carried in my purse. I hadn't used any wig because I thought it would be too cliché, so I colored my hair white with cheap, temporary dye. I also wore some vintage glasses to change my appearance. The only issue was wrinkles, so the key was to use my costume wisely to shade my face.
He entered at the next stop, wearing his flat hat and rigid jeans and jacket. He looked around. The game was on without any whistle.
Don’t look at him, I scolded myself.
But I also had to keep an eye on him. He was still standing.
I just have to dodge him till the train stops, I said to myself. But why isn’t he looking closely at anyone?
I carefully watched his every move, praying that the train would move faster. Then, after looking around carefully, Johnny approached an old woman sitting four seats away from me. He stared at her for a while.
Please pick her, please pick her, I prayed to myself, trying not to smile.
He didn't.
Okay, now just few more minutes and then it'll be over...
Then Johnny moved near me. He continued scanning the car with his eyes narrowed, and I made sure to avoid eye contact. The moment he looked into my eyes, the game would be over, I knew.
He's not moving....Just let him make one mistake. Just get through these few minutes.
Then I heard a laugh.
Johnny was laughing.
What? Why is he laughing? Am I exposed, or is this his new trick?
I kept in character and tried to look normal. The people around looked at him uneasily .
Then he approached me.
Oh no.
“How old are you?”
I'm busted. Be calm. It's just a shot in the dark for him. I tried to make my voice sound like an old
“I am 60.” I said in a very low tone.
Am I busted? Did it sound okay? Why is he still laughing?
“No old lady wears Converse, idiot.” He laughed.
I looked down. Sure enough, I was still wearing my pink Converse. I had always loved those shoes, and I wore them whenever I didn't need to dress up for work.
“Shit. Converse. Really.”
Johnny was still laughing at his victory, but even more at my stupidity. I was upset by losing because I wasn't used to it, but just seeing the laughter and happiness on Johnny's face made me laugh.
***
The sky was clear after the rain, and the stars were shone brightly as the moon almost touched the horizon. The white grasses glowed in the moonlight. We were sitting on the wooden balcony of our tree house. Johnny took me in his arms, and we watching the mesmerizing moonlight dancing with the waves of grass as he recited his poems to me.
I fear love
Some day the differences between us will become the distance between us
As we start the fire to know each other more deeply
The fire will shine and reveal the fragile, rotten soul
Then you will hate me
Then you will hate me.
“I just don't understand you, Johnny. You're so mysterious. I know you, but then again, sometimes I think you're an abyss. But one thing is sure: I will never, ever hate you.”
I sighed.
“Johnny, you don’t know how much I love you. You think I saved you, but it’s actually the opposite.”
I turned my face towards him. His eyes were gleaming in the moonlight. They weren't dripping with tears, but with fears. I felt the presence of the small, terrified child living under the rough exterior of a man. He was still looking towards the hori
zon.
“Johnny, I think we should write about us.” My fingers played with his hair as his head lay in my lap.
“What? Why? Let's make love again.”
A soothing, cold breeze accompanied Johnny’s rough voice as he stared at the long grass waving in the stadium breeze.
“I'm not kidding. I'm serious. You write your diary, and I'll keep mine. We won't show it to each other until we're old. Then we'll know what we missed in each other’s life.”
My eyes were also staring fixedly at the long field of grass that shone in the moonlight. Johnny slid his rough hands through my arms and down to my stomach.
“Why do you want to write about us?" His warm breath tickled my neck.
“Because, Johnny, birds can't write about themselves, nor can flowers. Because I want the world to know how we loved, how we lived. I want the world to know our fears, our vulnerabilities and our madness for each other.”
“But I'm keeping a diary already.”
“No, not your poetry. I want a diary completely for us.”
A few moments of silence passed.
“Okay.”
That’s how it all started. I never expected that Johnny would confide in the diary alone and stop sharing his secrets with me. Nor did I realize I would read the pages long before we’d grown old.
***
Johnny’s Diary
Life is an invisible jungle. You think you're going somewhere, but then you're lost again. I never expected Esther to survive the thrifty situation we were in. Cheap t-shirts, sneaking into movie theatres...She liked to wear disguises, but I never knew the secret that she was hiding.
After sneaking quietly into her uncle’s house at night and taking some of her personal belongings, we were redecorating our little house.
“I'm just so happy, Johnny. I love this life so much...there's less pressure and so much more love.”
Esther blew me a kiss as she emptied her bag and took out all the things we had taken the night before. There was a teddy bear, a dairy, her favorite pillow, another pair of her beloved Converse shoes and a few picture frames.
