“What was that?” I yelled in alarm.
“Uh oh,” my mom muttered, turning around to face me. “I’m sorry, hon, I think that was your bike. I forgot I took it out to clean the garage today.”
Now, my bike back then was a disaster. It was old, the chains slipped, the frame was rusty, and I had long since outgrown it, but it was better than nothing. Jumping out of the car, I looked under the car and burst into tears. My bike was a mangled disaster. I tried to pull it out from under the car, but it was caught on the underside, and I scraped my elbow on the pavement.
“Paige, Paige!” my mom called, trying to regain my attention.
“It’s broken!” I wailed, pulling on the handlebars. My hand slipped and the tattered streamers tore off, looking bedraggled and mutilated lying in my palm.
“Paige!” someone else yelled, but my grief had taken over, and I ignored the voice.
“Paige, you moron!”
“What?” I turned my tear-stained face and saw Asher holding his own bike, as if taunting me. “Go away,” I sobbed.
“Look!” he insisted, gesturing toward the bike. “It’s for you!”
“For me?” I sniffled and climbed to my feet. “A new bike?” I began to realize why everyone was smiling at me.
My mom looked slightly embarrassed as she covered her mouth and laughed. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, I didn’t realize you would be so upset! I thought it would be a silly joke.”
I wiped off my face, starting to smile. “Really? You got me a new bike?”
She nudged me forward. “Yes! It was Asher’s idea. We picked it out together while you were at school.”
Running forward, I threw my arms around him and he grudgingly hugged me back, grumbling something about stupid girls. He handed over the bike and I hopped on, marveling over how shiny it was and how my knees didn’t feel like they were going to hit my elbows as I pedaled around. “Come on!” Asher swung his leg over his own bike, which had been lying in the grass.
“I’ll be back later!” I hollered at my mom, racing after Asher. We left a trail of dust behind us as we flew down the road, heading for the trails that led up to the buttes. When we reached the top of our butte, we rested for a little bit and Asher pulled a granola bar and a bottle of pop out of his pockets. Wordlessly, we shared the two, looking down at the town below us.
“Happy birthday,” Asher said, handing the bottle back over to me.
“Thanks.” I took a long swig and climbed up on one of the biggest boulders, spreading out my arms to feel the breeze. In that moment, Asher and I were on top of the world and there were no such things as parents, homework, or stupid friends that couldn’t remember my birthday. The bike was awesome, but that wasn’t really what made it my favorite birthday. It was just that moment on the butte where I felt totally free, with no one but Asher at my side. After such a crappy day, that’s all I needed.
Now that we were going to the same school, my first hope was that maybe he had decorated my locker. I’ve always been jealous of those girls who have signs and ribbons all over their locker on their birthday so that everybody knows what day it is. I stood for a moment in front of my blank locker, thinking maybe it was a trick and it was only decorated on the inside, but when I opened it, I only saw piles of papers and books. Asher hadn’t even bothered to return the notebook to me.
Trying not to feel too disappointed, I grabbed my books and headed to class. Jason waved to me from across the class and mouthed, “Happy birthday,” but my attention was fixated elsewhere: on Asher’s empty seat. Hoping he wasn’t sick, I anxiously waited for his arrival, but his seat was still empty when the bell rang. With a heavy sigh, I propped my chin up on my hand and waited for class to be over. It was a Friday, so if I didn’t see him that day, it was unlikely I’d see him again until Monday.
At lunch, I walked around the school, looking for Asher, but ran into Terrance instead. “Hey!” I called over to him, hurrying across the hall to where he sat with his friends.
Terrance groaned as his friends started laughing and jostling him, watching this dorky red-haired freshman approach. “What?” he snapped.
His tone made me pause. He always treated me like a dumb little kid, but he never snapped at me before, even when he was with his friends. “I, uh, just wanted to know if Asher was at school today,” I explained.
“No,” he replied. “And you better get used to it.”
“What?” I stood there for a moment longer, but Terrance ignored me and started joking with his friends. Realizing he was done talking to me, I slowly wandered off, trying to figure out what Terrance meant. I started to look for Caden, but the bell rang before I could track him down and I had to hurry to my next class without even getting a chance to nibble on my lunch.
I was still confused that evening, while I waited for Jason to pick me up for our date. I still had several hours, but without anything to do, I just sat around, thinking. When my phone rang, I picked it up without much enthusiasm, glancing at the number. It seemed familiar, but wasn’t in my list of contacts. “Hello?” I answered.
“Hey, Paige?” The woman’s voice hesitated and I still wasn’t sure who it was.
“Yeah?”
“This is Asher’s mom.”
My heart lifted at those words. “Hey!” I said, suddenly perking up. “What’s up?”
“I think maybe you should come over.” Her voice didn’t sound nearly as energetic and I instantly started to shake.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
She sighed. “You need to come talk to Asher.” Without a goodbye, she hung up and I was left staring at the phone. I thrust it back in my pocket and ran outside, hauling my bike out of the garage. Yelling a quick goodbye to my mom, I jumped on my bike and took off for Asher’s house, standing up on the pedals to go even faster. On the ride there, all I could think about was what must be wrong. Caden’s warning, Terrance’s cold dismissal, and their mom’s anxiety…it all added up to something horrible. My worst fear was that Asher was hurt somehow. He didn’t strike me as the type to hurt himself, but people had surprised me before.
Even as the thought crossed my mind, I felt a huge weight of responsibility for whatever was wrong. The thought nearly crushed me. I couldn’t take the responsibility of yet another person on my skinny shoulders. I leaned down and pushed even harder. This wasn’t going to work. I knew something had to change. Whether it was right or wrong, I simply wasn’t strong enough to take on the responsibility of yet another person’s happiness.
I reached Asher’s house in what must have been record time and as I dumped my bike in his yard, I made a promise to myself: I would do whatever I could for Asher because he was my best friend, but I would not take responsibility for his well-being. As for Jason, well, I would have to figure that out later. However, I did take off my ring and stuff it deep in my pocket. One thing I was sure of was that it did not feel right to keep wearing that promise.
In over six years, I had never paused to ring the Pierce’s doorbell, but that’s exactly what I did this time. I didn’t exactly feel welcome anymore. I leaned over to try and catch my breath as I waited for the door to open and when it did, I looked up to see his mom’s face, lined with worry. “Hey,” I panted. “I’m here.”
She ushered me into the house. Caden and Terrance were in the living room with the TV on, but it was muted and they sat in stormy silence, giving me a nasty look. “Go on to Asher’s room,” she said, waving me on. “He knows you’re coming.”
My heart was pounding as I walked down the hallway toward his room. If he was hurt, it couldn’t be too bad. Was he sick? In trouble with the police? Dropping out of school? Everything sounded equally bizarre. His door was closed and I put my ear to the door, knocking quietly. After a couple seconds, I realized he hadn’t heard me, so I let myself in. As the door opened, I realized what was happening.
“No!” I shouted, seeing Asher kneeling by his bed, stuffing a suitcase with all his personal belongings. His ro
om was empty – so empty that my voice echoed strangely off the walls, giving it a weird ringing quality.
He glanced over and threw the notebook at me. It fluttered to the floor, looking old and broken. “You can keep it. I’m done with my part,” he said, continuing to pack.
“Stop!” I rushed over and grabbed his arm, trying to pull him away from the suitcase, but he just pushed me off him and I collapsed on the floor. “You can’t leave,” I said, my voice quieter.
“I’m moving to my dad’s place in Portland. I can’t deal with all this anymore.”
“All what?” I pleaded. “Come on, you’re my best friend, Asher. I’ve been thinking things over and-“
“And what? You’ve decided I’m your next pity case to fawn over?” Asher had always been kind of abrupt with me, but he never sounded like this. This time his voice was just cruel. He wanted to hurt me and I couldn’t blame him. Then his words hit me.
“What do you mean, my next pity case?”
He finally paused and glared at me. “You think I’m stupid? After Valentine’s Day, I did some research, trying to figure out what was going on with you and Jason. It wasn’t hard to work out. You’re only with him because his mom was the woman from the accident.”
I stared at him, everything suddenly slowing down. “How did you – my dad, I never told you.”
He shrugged. “Am I the only one with a computer? Search your dad’s name online sometime. There’s this thing called a newspaper that reports stuff like that.”
My whole body sagged. “I just thought-“
“Yeah, you were stupid,” he interrupted. “I knew you were an idiot, but going out with someone because you feel sorry for something your dad did? You’ve reached a new low, Paige. How do you think he’s going to feel when he finds out that’s the only reason you’re with him?”
“He’s not going to find out,” I said. “You’re one of the only people who know…” I trailed off as I saw the look on his face. “You wouldn’t!”
“Already did.”
I jumped up, enraged. “Why would you do something like that?” I kicked the suitcase, sending some of his stuff skittering across the floor. “Is this some sort of sick revenge?”
He gave me a look of frustration and shook his head. “No, Paige. I like Jason. He’s a cool guy and I had to tell him what was going on. I don’t want him to get jerked around by you the same way I was. Because you’re right – he might not realize who you are and what you’re doing for months, even years. And each day you lead him on, you’re doing a little more damage to him. You have no idea how much you destroy people with your little games.”
Swiping the notebook up off the floor, I stormed out of the room. “Goodbye, Asher,” I muttered. I didn’t wait for a response. His mom was waiting expectantly down the hallway, but I barely glanced at her as I headed for the front door. “Sorry, have to go,” I mumbled, breaking into a run. Once outside, I jumped back onto my bike, steering one-handed in order to hold the notebook. I had to get to Jason’s house, but I seriously feared what I would find once I got there. Somehow, I didn’t think we would be going to see a movie that evening.
It took me much longer to reach Jason’s house. Part of it was exhaustion, but the other part was dread at seeing his reaction to the news. Still, there was a tiny part of me that felt relieved, too. All the hiding, the deception, the lies, all of it was finally over. I pulled up at his house and jumped off my bike, leaning it up against the house instead of dumping it in the dirt. With a deep breath, I approached the front door and knocked. Jason’s dad opened the door, giving me a long, hard look before silently letting me inside.
I felt tiny as I walked inside, cowering under his stare. Slowly walking back to Jason’s room, I found him sitting at his desk, staring at his phone. He jumped up when he saw me, stuffing his phone in his pocket. “Oh hey, Paige. I wasn’t expecting you so soon. The movie’s not until 7, you know.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Had Asher really not told him? No, there was someone weird in the way he was talking to me, something robotic. Asher had definitely told him something. “Oh,” I said. “I was just- my friend, you know, Asher?”
Jason nodded slowly, sinking back down into his chair. “Yeah, about that,” he trailed off and waved a hand at me. “No, go on. I want to hear what you have to say.”
I was still standing in the doorway. I had this feeling in my chest that if I walked in, plopped down on his bed, and told him that Asher was full of it, Jason would smile, take me in his arms and never mention it again. I knew I still had a chance with him. I could still make him happy.
But it wouldn’t make me happy.
“I have something I should have told you a long time ago,” I said, feeling weak. “I think you know.”
“I want to hear it from you.” His voice had turned hard and he pulled out his phone, looking at it again. “I thought maybe this was some sick prank or something.”
“My dad,” I began, hoping I wouldn’t pass out mid-sentence, “he was the one behind the wheel in that accident that killed your mom.” As I said the words, it struck me that it was the first time I had ever admitted the truth to anyone.
“And you knew the whole time?”
I nodded. “I just thought it might help, I don’t know, make things better.”
“Make things better?” He stood up and tossed his phone on the bed, where it bounced off and hit the wall with a thud. “I honestly thought we had something amazing, Paige. I thought you liked me.”
I opened my mouth, ready to protest that I did like him, that we did have something special, but realized what he and Asher were trying to tell me was true: what I was doing was totally unfair to Jason. “I’m sorry,” I said instead. “I don’t know what to tell you. I was stupid, I guess. I just wanted to make you happy.” When I said it aloud, I realized how moronic it sounded and I felt like dirt. That was probably the lowest point of my life so far.
He just closed his eyes and shook his head. “Whatever, Paige. Can you just go? I really don’t want to talk about this any longer.”
“Yeah, okay.” I dug my hand in my pocket and pulled out the ring he had given me. “Here.” I set it on his nightstand. “I’m really sorry. Honestly.” He didn’t open his eyes as I left his room and I exited the house, avoiding eye-contact with his dad. I still had the notebook under my arm and I slowly pedaled down the street, just feeling empty. I paused on a bridge, overlooking a creek brimming and frothing with snow-melt. Right now, you might be paging back to the front of this story and tapping #4 of my list, the only one I haven’t talked about: Destroying the most important thing I ever created.
Yes, I thought about throwing the notebook in there, or setting it on fire, or destroying it in some other way so I wouldn’t think of Asher every time I saw it. But that’s not what #4 is referring to. The most important thing I ever created was my friendship with Asher, and I didn’t want to just throw it away so easily, even if it was destroyed. I cycled on, leaving the bubbling creek behind. I wasn’t sure where I was going until I remembered Grace’s words: Come find me when it gets too complicated. If there was ever a time that felt too complicated, it was then.
It was well into the evening by the time I reached Grace’s house. There was a rusty, dented car outside this time, and I knocked quietly, hoping she didn’t have company. The door opened a crack, and Grace’s round face peeked out at me, smiling when she saw who it was. She ushered me inside, pressing a finger to her lips. “My mom’s sleeping,” she whispered, leading me into the small living room. “What’s up? You look upset.”
I groaned softly and took off my glasses, rubbing my eyes. “I suppose you could say that.” Over the next hour, I explained everything. From my dad’s death to my betrayal of Jason and Asher to the notebook, I told her absolutely everything. She stayed utterly silent the entire time, only nodding occasionally.
When I finally finished telling her about the day’s events, she gestured to the n
otebook, still tucked under my arm. “Well, what’s the last part of his story?”
Her question took me by surprise, and I held out the notebook, staring at the beat-up cover. “I haven’t read it yet.”
She laughed. “Then there’s still a piece of the story missing. Go on, read it. I’ll work on my homework.” Sitting cross-legged on the couch, I sat back and started reading the next section. It wasn’t long, but I read it over several times, trying to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Finally, I shut the notebook, running my finger along the metal binding.
Grace looked up at me expectantly. “Well?”
“It’s not good,” I said. “Basically, Asher’s character, the guy, he took off. His original mission was simply to kill the wizard, but then he got captured and ‘distracted’ by the girl.” I formed my fingers into quotation marks, emphasizing that word. “Yeah, that’s the word he used. Anyway, he turned around and headed back to the castle, determined to fulfill his quest, leaving my character behind.”
Grace tapped her finger on her lips, thinking for a moment. “The way I see it,” she said slowly, “the girl has two choices; she can either go on, make new friends, have new adventures, and move on, or she can go after him. It’s your choice.”
I understood what she was saying, and was silent while I thought. If I let Asher go, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I’m sure I would make new friends, eventually fall in love and date a guy I really liked, and my life would probably be pretty happy. But, I wouldn’t have Asher. Did I really want to keep dragging out this whole drama-filled fiasco, just to try to get Asher back? The answer was pretty definite in my mind and I stood quickly, hugging Grace. “Thanks. You really helped me figure this out.”
She grinned, looking pleased. “I do what I can!” As I hurried out the door, her hand caught my shoulder. “Wait, I wanted you to know. I decided to give the baby up for adoption. I’ve started looking at families and I think it’s what I need to do for him.”
Regret List Page 14
