I allowed myself the freedom to lose it. I cried my eyes out into my pillow. I yelled and punched my bed. Between Gretchen’s under-the-radar insults, her conniving behavior and the incredible weight of having to tell Oliver the truth, I felt like my heart was in a vise.
I stared at my ceiling and tried to calm down. There was another knock at my door. I knew who it was and I was tempted to just ignore her. But she had to assume I hadn’t had the time to leave yet. I grabbed a handful of tissues and blew my nose then scuffed in my slippers to the door and opened it just a crack so she couldn’t actually come back in. But the face on the other side of the door was the last person I expected to see.
“Oliver.” All of the oxygen left my body in those three syllables.
“Can I please come in before anyone sees me?” He didn’t push the door open; he politely waited to be invited. Gretchen could take a lesson from him.
“Sure. Come in.” I backed away and made room for his entrance. He closed the door behind him.
“Whoa, Kate. Are you okay? Have you been crying?” He lifted his hand toward my face but then stopped himself.
Shit.
“Just allergies. Sorry, I must look awful.”
“Not at all.”
My heart fluttered and I couldn’t speak for a moment. “How did you know where I lived?”
“You dropped this backstage yesterday but no one saw it until we were packing up. I wasn’t sure how else to get it to you.” He handed me my U of M ID. “It has your flat name on it, I just had Moose ask a couple girls if they knew you when we pulled up outside.”
“Dorm.” I still wasn’t breathing. And my voice was all snot-distorted.
Oliver just looked at me, waiting for an explanation.
“You said flat. They’re called dorms.” I was a dork.
“Oh, sorry. Dorm.” He smiled and folded his arms across his chest. He reached up and played with the curl hanging down by his ear.
“What are you doing up so early? I thought rock stars slept late.” I felt the need to fill the air with noise. As if the silence would pull the truth from me before I was ready to tell it. I quickly tossed my handful of tissues in the trashcan by my desk.
“I haven’t been to bed yet, darlin’. We partied a little last night after our interview.” He looked down at his feet then turned for the door. “I just wanted to bring your ID. So sorry I barged in on you so early.” He turned the knob. I wasn’t ready for him to go. But then his body stuttered with its decision to walk out. He turned and spoke, “Hey, listen, I need to ask you something.”
“Yeah.” I reached for the back of my desk chair to steady myself.
“Doll, you’re shaking. Here. Let’s sit.” Oliver motioned for me to sit first and then he sat facing me on my bed. His hands steadied himself at his sides but we were so close his left hand was nearly touching my thigh. I knew Brits weren’t shy about touching, but my American heart bounced all around inside my chest.
I took him all in so I’d never forget that moment: black t-shirt, black skinny jeans and Doc Martens. His hair was unruly and he looked exhausted. Adorable but exhausted.
I filled my lungs slowly and tried to calm my nerves. Oliver wasn’t a big guy. He was my height, maybe five feet, ten inches tall and couldn’t have weighed more than one-fifty. But the vibe that came with him was huge. It was like he displaced all the oxygen in my room when he walked in and I was left to survive on a fraction of what I needed while he was there.
I felt like I shouldn’t have been so rocked by him being so close. We’d gotten to know each other pretty well over the last couple of months. But, like being backstage, I was playing the part of the stranger at that moment, and I guess I even had my own psyche fooled. Oliver probably didn’t think anything of it; he probably expected me to be shaken by his surprise visit.
“There, is that better?” His fingers reached mine and he squeezed my hand then quickly, as if it wasn’t intended, pulled his hand away and tucked it under his leg. I nodded. “Kate, I’m really glad you let me in. You see, I’m in a bit of a pickle.”
“I hate pickles.” I blinked at my own idiocy. A stuffy-nosed pickle-hater…Oliver’s dream girl.
I’ve got to be the biggest assbrain on the planet!
I actually love pickles. My response was simply a desperate attempt to once again eradicate the discomfort. Being within four inches of Oliver Walt’s face had me so overwhelmed—but then you add even two seconds of silence to that and I thought I’d die.
“Good to know.” He smirked and tousled his hair a little. “I have a bit of a confession to make and I didn’t know who else to go to.”
“Confession?” I was not following him at all. Could have been the lack of oxygen.
“Yeah. I’m a pretty good judge of character. When I truly connect with someone, I can feel them before I get close enough to touch them. I can sense their mood before they say a word. It’s like a mute conversation. I pick up on the nuances of body language and facial expression. I’ve never had this technique bite me in the ass like it did yesterday.” He looked down at his lap and then raised his head just enough to peek at me through his long, curly bangs.
“Oliver.” I felt like I had to take a breath after one word. He was still holding onto most of the oxygen in the room. “I’m not…” Breathe. “Not sure I’m following you.” I feared he was going to think I was completely brain dead. Lying about pickles and gasping for breath. Poor guy. He had his work cut out for him with me.
“Let me show you, Kate.” He stood then motioned for my hands, pulling me up with him. He unclasped his fingers from mine; he seemed bashful with a hint of embarrassment. My hands dropped to my sides. He took two steps back and then he closed his eyes and breathed in a long, very deep breath.
I was dressed in a sports bra, a ripped U of M t-shirt and a pair of Nike Pros shorts. But, I felt as vulnerable as if I was standing there naked in front of Oliver. And I was terrified he’d see right through me and directly into Lexi. I needed to say something before he figured it out on his own.
“Oliver, there’s something—”
“Shhh.” He pushed the sound from between his teeth harshly and insistent. “There’s definitely something, Kate. Something you’re terrified of right this moment. But it’s not the fear of something tangible. I don’t get the feeling you’re terrified of me. In fact, I get the sense you’re overwhelmed with my being here, but you’re not scared.”
He opened his eyes a little wider then shook away something I couldn’t see.
“You’re an honest person, Kate. You’re trustworthy but you’re struggling with an untruth. Am I right?”
I nodded and a tear left the corner of my eye and slowly traveled down my cheek. Oliver stepped forward and placed a warm hand on my cheek and wiped the tear away with his thumb.
“Kate, that’s just it. This is what I found so perplexing about yesterday. I expected to feel everything I felt for Lexi over the phone to be overwhelming when we finally met in person… like an amp turned all the way up. But I was getting some noise, like the ear-splitting feedback from a speaker. And that made it very difficult to read her in the way I’d hoped. You can’t be too careful in this industry. Some people are just too good at lying and I needed to trust her completely. But the feeling I got yesterday fell short.”
“Oliver, I know why.”
I am the noise. The reverb from the speaker. I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth.
A rush of adrenaline knocked the room on its side and I had to reach for my desk chair again. I was about to knock the wind out from under Oliver’s wings with one fell swoop and he’d never want to talk to me again. And I’d walk around knowing I’d given him one more reason to think fate hated him.
“Yeah, I know why, too. I was an ass to think she had the same feelings for me that I had for her. It was the unparalleled emotion that must have been throwing off the intensity I thought I’d feel when we finally met.” He ran both hands thr
ough his hair and walked up to me with a look of loss in his eyes I’d never forget.
I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed his body so far into mine I could feel his heartbeat between my breasts. It was quite possibly the worst thing I could have done but I needed to act on one of my emotions and empathy seemed the best option over despair, jealousy, grief, guilt, sadness, fear and shame. His arms slid around my waist and he rubbed his hands up and down the length of my back. Then all of a sudden he tensed, sucked in a deep breath and gently pushed our bodies apart.
The rejection was devastating. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted him to be able to decipher in that moment everything I’d been struggling with. I wanted him to translate every nuance of my silence into lyrics he’d someday write a melody to. I wanted the truth to just magically appear and I wanted it to do so without the pain and anguish it would take for me to spill it from my lips and for him to digest it. I longed for the fairy tale but was left with the nightmare. If I was going to do it, it needed to happen at that moment. I needed to spare Oliver any more pain. His dismissal of my affections should have made it easier to make the final decision to sacrifice our relationship for the sake of his emotional stability. But, it didn’t. Even if there was no chance for Oliver and me, I didn’t want to be just one more reason for his distrust of the world around him. But no matter how I spelled it out for him, it would hurt. His heart would bleed for who knows how long.
“Oliver.” I started to move closer but decided against it. He quickly reached for his forehead as if he sensed my intentions then nervously wiped his brow. I squeezed my eyes and shook my head. “Oliver, there’s a reason you got mixed signals yesterday.”
“You got mixed signals because I’m scared.” Gretchen’s shrill voice almost knocked me over. Oliver turned toward her as she barged further into my room. She scowled at me but then turned and met Oliver with a sheepish look on her face. “I need you to move slower with me, Oliver.”
She’d resorted to eavesdropping. Unbelievable.
“Scared?” Oliver took her hands in the same way he’d done yesterday. I could only imagine he was searching for something that wasn’t there. And there I was. The reverb.
“Oliver, I’ve been hurt before and I’m scared of being hurt again. Everything you said to me yesterday was what most girls wait their whole lives to hear. But, I’m not most girls. If we’d been seriously dating for six months and you said those things to me, I’d believe you. But, this whole thing is so new, and you’re…YOU! I just need us to explore each other in small ways first. That’s why I couldn’t reciprocate the same level of intensity that you poured over me yesterday.”
She’d transformed yet again.
“I completely understand, Lexi. You’re not the first person to be caught off guard by me. I know I can be somewhat intense.” He smiled, put his arms over her shoulders and used his hands to make a ponytail at the base of her neck. I watched him twirl her hair between his fingers in the most sensual way I could have imagined. It only made his veto of my touch feel like a slap in the face.
“So, how about we start with a first date?” Gretchen smiled a sheepish grin and didn’t take her eyes off him.
“Lexi Cartwright, would you accompany me on a proper date this evening?” He shuffled his feet a little, which made me think he hadn’t yet put all his unsettled feelings to rest.
There was a shrill beep and Oliver reached for his back pocket. He pulled out his phone and then rolled his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, ladies, Moose is getting antsy. I forgot he was still waiting outside in the van.” He spun on his heel and walked over to me but his body language stuttered back and forth between strange and familiar.
“Kate, it was lovely spending some time with you.”
“How long have you been here?” The annoyance in Gretchen’s voice did not go unnoticed.
Neither Oliver nor I answered her question.
He tilted his head toward me and smiled a sheepish grin then turned and took Gretchen’s hands. “And, I’ll see you at seven, sweet Lexi.” He leaned forward and gave her a long peck on the lips. Her eyes fluttered under their lids and I was sure she had to squeeze her thighs together to quell what he was unknowingly doing to her below the waist.
And that quickly, he was gone.
I was left in uncomfortable silence with Gretchen, wishing I could breathe the way I could before Oliver walked in.
“What exactly was that shit, Kate? Please tell me you aren’t still hung up on telling him the truth.” Gretchen had her hands on her hips and her short flowered sundress swatted at her thighs with each shake of her head. She must’ve heard quite a bit of our conversation from the other side of the door.
“Gretchen, I haven’t changed my mind. You can’t expect me to keep this from him forever. What the hell? What are you going to do? Change your name to Lexi so you two can ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? You’re not that girl. And he’s not that gullible. He needs to know.” I stormed over to my fridge to grab a water bottle. The stress of the last fifteen minutes had messed with my body’s natural reaction to produce spit and my throat was like sandpaper.
“I’m not that girl? What’s that supposed to mean?” She took two long-legged steps toward me. We were eye to eye.
“You can only play this part for so long before some inconsistencies show and you’re just going to end up looking like a fraud. Is that what you want?” I wasn’t about to cave on this one. “Yesterday I told you this was a one-time thing. I needed you to pretend to be Lexi to get us backstage so I could make sure Oliver was okay. That was it. I told you yesterday I was telling him the truth today.” I sucked back some water.
“But you didn’t tell him.”
“I was about to tell him when you cut me off.” I shook with anger. Anger because Gretchen insisted she had a say in when I told Oliver the truth. And I was angry with myself for creating the web of lies that was starting to strangle the life from me.
“When does a girl get the chance to live this fantasy? Never! This is it!”
“Gretchen, do you hear yourself? You’re so selfish. You will rip Oliver’s heart out by creating this imaginary world in which you’re the person he trusts the most.”
“No, Kate, you built that world for me.” I literally felt my heart stop and it took a little longer than it should have to start again. Every ounce of strength in my legs gave out and I sat down on my futon.
She flipped her hair and headed toward the door. She put her hand on the knob and stopped. Without looking at me she spoke.
“Kate, you don’t know the damage I can do, so it would be in your best interests to let me have this. Otherwise, I’ll pull the rug out from under you so hard, you’ll fall and never get back up.”
I had an idea what damage Gretchen could do to me, and the tone of her voice when she made the threat left me with no doubt that if she wanted to take me down, she could.
Seven
A bunch of the girls from my hall stopped by right after I got out of the shower. They were headed downtown to go shopping and invited me to go along.
I didn’t feel like doing anything but crying under the covers. However, I knew blowing off some steam would be good for my state of mind. And retail therapy could prove to take away at least some of the anxiety I carried.
I really enjoyed the girls on my floor. MacKenna, Emily, Jules, Ally and Hayden were great girls. And a lot of fun to be around.
It was Fall Formal time and MacKenna, Jules and Hayden were Tri Delt sisters, so they wanted to look at dresses. Emily and Ally were banking on MacKenna having Jack fix them up with a couple of his Beta Sig brothers, so they were planning on trying on a few dresses as well.
“So, place your order, ladies. Who do you guys wanna go with?” MacKenna called from her dressing room. The six of us filled the small dressing room of Bella Jules, the prime location for one-of-a-kind formal dresses. They had hundreds of sample dresses, but once you ordered one in
your size, they removed that sample from the floor. This ensured no one would walk in wearing someone else’s dress. It was a brilliant marketing plan.
“I’m all about Shawn!” Emily was beautiful; she could have any one of the Beta Sig guys, but I loved that she chose one of the most down-to-earth, nice guys at the house. Shawn was so sweet. Not your stereotypical fraternity boy. They would make an adorable couple. Emily was a class act.
“And Ally wants to go with Jason.”
“Emily! She’s lying, Mack. I could look at Jason Drexl all day but I was leaning more toward Ryan. You know I love soccer players.” Ally was so much fun. Another one who could have her pick of guys but was too humble to admit it.
“Well then, if Jason’s up for grabs…” MacKenna giggled.
“Jason has nice shoulders.” The room went silent after my comment then they all erupted in laughter.
“Shoulders? You look at Jason Drexl and you see shoulders?” Emily laughed so hard she snorted.
“No, I see straight, white teeth and a smile that could stop traffic…punctuated with dreamy deep dimples.” I suddenly felt the need to make sure they knew I didn’t just notice his shoulders. Jason was the whole damn package. “He let me sit on his shoulders at the Billabong Festival after you all left me stranded. He was very sweet.”
“He is very sweet. So, Kate’s got dibs on Jason!”
“No! I’m not going to formal. And I’m sure he will have no problem finding a date.” I giggled.
“But you’re jotting down Ryan’s name for me, right?” Ally’s dressing room door opened and closed. “Girls, I think I found the dress I’d wear if Ryan asked me.”
We all walked out into the common part with the huge gilded mirror. Six of us in black dresses. Ally’s was the shortest and Hayden had on an elegant one that covered her toes. The rest of us wore lengths somewhere in between.
“Girls! Look at us! We need a picture!”
“I can do that for you.” One of the sales girls walked up behind us and held out her hands for our phones. She took a photo with each phone and then disappeared back into the racks of the busy boutique.
When I Lied Page 8
