When I Lied

by Michelle Kemper Brownlow

  I could say nothing. Even if my brain could find the words, my mouth wouldn’t have been able to form them. I was in some sort of shock. I felt like that summation of Cole Porter’s life was Oliver’s cry for help. There was nothing I wanted more than to be in my dorm alone with him at that moment. I wanted to pull his body to mine and let him cry out all the years of torment and torture I assumed he’d endured. I wanted to tell him it would be okay and that I would never leave him and that he could trust me not to hurt him. I’d keep him safe. I’d keep him grounded. I’d show him a love he’d never known. I’d love him better. I’d love him whole.

  “Yeah, yeah. Old guy died. Now, can we talk about something less depressing?” Gretchen rolled her eyes and shifted her weight in her seat.

  No one responded. Max, Theo, Calvin and George were either looking into their laps or at the stark white top of the bar. We all knew something Gretchen didn’t. Oliver was flailing to stay afloat.

  “I’m sorry, sweet Lex.” Just then the bartender walked over. “Fine sir, could you please bring us a bottle of your best champagne?”

  “What are we celebrating?” Gretchen sat straight up in her chair. I wondered what she hoped for.

  “Well, our management asked us to stay in the States, specifically in the D.C. area for an undisclosed amount of time. We will be doing some promo appearances, maybe a couple surprise shows in small clubs and bars and so forth. So, you two won’t be getting rid of us anytime soon.” He turned to Gretchen and I caught a glimpse of annoyance on her face, but she quickly flashed her award-winning smile and wrapped her arms around Oliver’s neck, almost knocking him off his chair.

  Oliver turned his head toward me, even though it was still in Gretchen’s headlock, and winked.

  The waiter came with our champagne. “Krug Brut Vintage 1988,” he announced as he popped the cork and was immediately surrounded with bartenders to hand him seven flutes one by one. I could only assume an avant-garde place like Minibar would see Dom Pérignon as a bit too mainstream.

  “To what’s ahead.” Oliver raised his glass and we all followed with a collective toast.

  “To what’s ahead.”

  I downed my champagne in a quick and probably not-so-ladylike manner, but I needed to numb the receptors that told me Oliver was headed down a dangerous path of drugs, alcohol, sex and general self-destruction. I had to think of a way to have more time alone with him. And I needed to collect myself.

  “Will you excuse me? I need to use the restroom.” I stood and so did five very chivalrous gentlemen. I smiled sweetly at each of them. Gretchen rolled her eyes.

  “I’ll come with you.” She stood and barely paid attention to their politeness.

  This time I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want her to come with me. I needed time to breathe and digest all Oliver had just laid on my heart. I didn’t wait for her, just headed to the ladies’ room. She followed me through the elaborate seating area and in the first set of restroom doors. I walked through the next set of doors and straight into a stall and hoped to hide out there until she did her business and left. She followed me through the second set of doors but never stepped foot in a stall.

  Champagne in the limo, my Red Jacket and the Krug Brut—I really did need to use the bathroom, so I took my time in the stall. I even checked my phone, hoping Gretchen would get tired of waiting and leave.

  There was a long string of questions in a group text.

  MacKenna: A limo?

  Jules: Who is he?

  Emily: A rich guy!

  Ally: Please tell me it’s someone famous!

  Hayden: Does he have rich friends for us?

  Me: Just had $500 champagne, peeing, text you later.

  Emily: Am I silly to assume it’s sinful to pee out $500 champagne

  MacKenna: What’s she supposed to do with it, Em?

  I giggled silently and stuffed my phone back into my clutch. I assumed I’d get back to my dorm with enough texts to last me until morning. I flushed hoping that like a magic spell, Gretchen would disappear when the sound of the flush died down. I walked out toward the sinks. No such luck.

  “What the hell were you doing out there?” She crossed her arms and cocked her hip.

  “Oh, I don’t know…participating in intelligent conversation.” I looked away from her to wash my hands. Again, I wished she’d disappear into thin air like witches did in fairy tales.

  “More like being an attention whore!” I didn’t have time to dry my hands because I was in her face in less than a second.

  “Listen, here. You are IN this situation because of me. You are currently dicking with someone who holds a very big piece of my heart. If you’re not careful, I’ll blow this thing wide open and make you look like the bitch you really are.” I wished it were as easy as that. But taking Gretchen down meant screwing with the only semblance of normalcy Oliver could grasp at this time in his life. And, it would be one more lie for him to have to come to terms with. One more person who pretended to be something they weren’t and maliciously stole his trust and then mocked him with the truth.

  “You can’t do that and you know it. You have to live this lie with me, Kate. At least until I move on. Then you can own it all by yourself.” She walked to the mirror and pulled a tube of lipstick from her bag.

  “Until you move on? What’s that mean, Gretchen?” I had to catch my breath. I was smart enough to know there was no way to save Oliver the heartache of finding out the truth, but I did hold out hope that the way to do it without completely crushing him would reveal itself before it came down to one of us letting the cat out of the bag. And I would go to extreme lengths to make sure Gretchen wasn’t the one who told him.

  “Kate, don’t be so naïve. Oliver is going to leave town and forget about both of us.” She admired herself in the mirror then pressed her lips together. She released them with a soft “pop” sound. “He’s not into Lexi in the way you think.”

  “Correction. He’s not as into you as you think.” And I knew that for a fact. Oliver had confided in me about the lack of connection he felt with Lexi…Gretchen.

  “Don’t force my hand, Kate. You don’t know the lengths I’ll go to prove you wrong.” She turned and faced me.

  “Ya know, I’m starting to think you’re all talk, Gretchen.” As soon as it was out of my mouth I worried about the repercussions.

  Gretchen’s demeanor changed slightly. She smiled, walked past me, opened the door and held it. “After you, Kate.” She flashed a sweet smile and tilted her head in the direction of the seating area.

  I walked past her and every hair on the back of my neck stood on end.

  She was actually terrifying.

  Thirteen

  I tried to steer clear of any altercations with Gretchen for the rest of the evening. The chef visited our table with two large sampling trays for us to enjoy. While incredibly tasty, the look of most of them was a little more futuristic than I would have liked. I wasn’t exactly sure what some of the ingredients were, which freaked me out just a little.

  There was no doubt Oliver and the guys dropped a couple grand on our evening, between the limo, reserving the entire bar, the drinks, the champagne and hoity-toity food with expensive ingredients. We each had another drink before we left and even more champagne on our way home in the limo.

  When the limo pulled up to my dorm, it was bittersweet. I couldn’t imagine spending one more minute with Gretchen but I wasn’t ready to say good-bye to Oliver. I just wanted to pull him into my room and tell him the truth to save him the heartache of the Lexi lie.

  The limo driver opened the back door and Oliver needed to slide out for me to get out. I said bye to the guys and faked an “it was a nice evening” to Gretchen, then slid sideways until I felt the sidewalk under my feet.

  Oliver took my hand and helped me stand. I was thankful for the moment alone with him but at the same time, I wondered why Gretchen didn’t exit the car as well. It was her destination, too.

  “
Can I walk you to the door, Miss Green?” He smiled and I knew he wasn’t just being polite. He chose to act on the connection we shared.

  “I’d love that, Mr. Walt.” I hoped with everything in me that Gretchen heard every word of our flirty little conversation.

  Oliver stuck his head back in the limo. “I’ll be just a moment.” Then his hand was on my lower back and we walked to the door, which was much closer than I would have liked. I wanted to walk further with him. Be alone longer with him.

  I reached into my clutch and got out my ID to swipe through the security lock. Oliver took my hand and brought it to his mouth. I watched intently with the glow of the emergency light that illuminated our little moment together. His back was to the sidewalk so no one in the limo could even see me. I wasn’t concerned a raving lunatic with long dark hair would attack us.

  Oliver’s eyelashes were so long and thick, his lips so soft and lush. I closed my eyes when he pressed them against the back of my hand and held them there for just long enough for that feeling to hit the pit of my stomach. Behind my eyelids, he carried me into the building and to my room and kissed me all over as he slowly undressed me. We were a tangle beneath my sheets until the sun came up…

  “Kate?” I opened my eyes slowly and his were right before me. A naughty grin spread across his face. “Are you having inappropriate thoughts about me again?”

  My mouth dropped open. I let out the breath I’d been holding with probably a little too much force. The curls around his face wafted in the expression of the tension I felt between us at that moment. I could see it on his face that he felt it, too.

  “I—I—”

  “I’m kidding, Kate.” He carefully tucked one of the tendrils by my face behind my ear. He didn’t need to. That piece of hair had hung there all night. I hoped it was an excuse to touch me once more. To make our moment last longer than it needed to. They say alcohol can be like truth serum. Was Oliver acting on repressed feelings toward me? “It was a lovely night, Kate.”

  “It was. Thank you so much for inviting me, Oliver. I’ve never been to such a fancy place. You spoiled me…I mean, us. You spoiled us tonight.” I hated that I needed to include Gretchen in my thank you. It was like she butted into our private moment while she sat in the limo. Where I was certain she seethed.

  “It was my pleasure.” He didn’t move. Didn’t take a step back, or turn away. He stood comfortably before me, just in case I had more to say.

  “Oliver?” I took in a slow breath and prepared myself for what I was about to say.

  “Kate.” The sound of my name inside his mouth was one of the sexiest things I’d ever known.

  “Oliver, I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything…” I stammered a little as I tried to find the right words.

  “It’s okay, Kate. You can say anything to me. What is it? What’s bothering you?” He tilted his head like he always did. It melted me each time he did it.

  “Oliver, I was taken aback by the extreme connection you share with Cole Porter. I see a parallel between your lives and I couldn’t bear it if something happened to you. Just know that you have blessed my heart and my soul with who you are and the words you bring to life. Be careful not to cut your time short inspiring the world with your genius, too.” I didn’t know what else to say and worried I’d said too much. Tears pricked behind my eyes, still being held back from earlier in the evening.

  “Darlin’, don’t you worry your little heart about me. I can take care of myself.” He lifted his hand and cupped the side of my face.

  “Just be careful, okay?” I leaned my cheek into the warmth of his palm and closed my eyes for a mere second when a tear escaped.

  “Kate! Why are you crying?” Oliver’s other hand lifted to my other cheek and he held my face close to his.

  “Oliver, there’s something I have to tell you.” Tears streamed from the corners of my eyes. The time had come. It needed to be done. It would break him but hopefully he could heal knowing I’d voluntarily set him free from the lie I’d created.

  The limo’s horn blared and we both jumped. I sucked in a deep breath and wiped my face. Oliver’s hands gripped my bare arms.

  “Come ON! Say good night already!” Gretchen’s voice had become like nails on a chalkboard and I’d have gotten great pleasure in ripping her throat wide open so I’d never have to hear it again.

  “Lexi, you’re being rude. Please give us a moment.” Oliver actually rolled his eyes then turned back to me. I knew I didn’t have enough time to unleash the backstory of my lie before Gretchen would catapult herself from the limo and drag Oliver back inside.

  Abort mission.

  “It’s okay. I’m sorry, Oliver. I get weepy when I drink too much. It’s nothing. Go ahead. I don’t want you to have to deal with Lexi being pissed off for the rest of your evening.”

  “Are you sure?” I used the moment it took him to say those three words to compose myself and control the hysterics that hid at the back of my throat.

  “Really, I’m fine. I’m sorry for making you think otherwise. Tonight was amazing. See you soon?” I needed him close. I missed him.

  “I hope so. You sure you’re okay?” He placed his hands on my bare neck and goose bumps rose across every square inch of me.

  “Promise, I’m fine. Champagne makes me really intense.” I winked and turned and slid my ID through the security lock. The door clicked and I pulled it open. I wanted him to walk inside with me and not leave until morning.

  “Sweet dreams, sweet Kate.”

  I faked a smile and waved.

  I rounded the corner and walked into my hall. I was thankful the girls hadn’t waited up for me because I was about to fall apart. I stepped into my room, was comforted when the door closed behind me and latched, then fell on my bed and cried myself to sleep.

  I woke up what felt like days later. My throat was so dry I felt like I would die if I didn’t get up and get something to drink. But, when I got to my fridge, I realized I still hadn’t restocked it from my stint with food poisoning. I stumbled around my room looking for a water bottle I may have brought back from class. Nothing.

  I was so uncomfortable and so disoriented. I walked past my vanity and realized I still had MacKenna’s dress on. No wonder I was uncomfortable. I grabbed the sweats and t-shirt I slept in the night before and traded the long maxi dress for more appropriate sleep clothes. I grabbed my keys, the cup of change from my desk and headed down the hall to the soda machine.

  The lights were so bright in the hallway and squinting made the skin around my eyes feel tight and swollen. That’s what happens when you cry yourself to sleep. I decided to use all my change and grab as many cans of soda and bottles of water as I had money for. I’d restock my fridge while I thought about it.

  I shoveled quarters into the machine when I heard a noise that wasn’t the kind you’d want to hear in a dorm hall in the wee hours of the morning. It sounded as though someone was trying to break into a room.

  My heart pounded so hard that if someone were, in fact, in the hallway I had no doubt they could hear each beat. I gathered up all my drinks and slowly walked out of the little nook that housed the vending machines and peeked around the corner in the direction of my room. All the while I planned out my pending self-defense and escape route in my mind.

  There was no one at my door. But just then someone violently jiggled a knob and threw themselves against a door. That’s when I realized it came from the hall that emptied into my wing of the dorm. A short hallway I’d have to walk past to get back to my room.

  “Dammit! Where is it?” Gretchen’s voice made me want to spit.

  “I can call for the driver, love.” Oliver.

  Holy shit!

  “But, I promised you the dorm experience. Plus I can’t keep my eyes open long enough to wait for someone to come get us. My key’s got to be in here somewhere.” My blood boiled.

  And then it hit me: If they got into Gretchen’s room, he’d know something w
as up. He’d notice it was a different room than Lexi described to him one night on the phone. And I remember thinking there was no harm in it because he’d never actually see it.

  Well, if all hell broke loose because Gretchen didn’t have a punk-rock polar bear comforter OR a futon, I didn’t want to be there to witness it. I needed to get back to my room, lock the door behind me and stay there. Hide away from this heart-shaped lie that burned a wide hole through me. I couldn’t get away from it. It followed me. It haunted me.

  I tiptoed up to the edge of the short hallway and carefully peered around the corner. Gretchen frantically searched through her clutch for something and Oliver stood behind her and rubbed her back. Bile rose in my throat. But it was my only chance to get to my room unnoticed. I held my breath and jogged on my tiptoes past Gretchen’s hall. I turned to see if the coast was clear and I tripped. Soda and water bottles bounced off the walls and rolled out of control. Girls cursed at me from inside their dorms.

  My throat was so dry so I grabbed one bottle of water and sacrificed the rest to get to my room as quickly as I could. No one would know they were mine if I just left the bottles where they fell. But before I could even get to my feet, I heard her voice. A caustic whisper came from her throat.

  “Kate, you’re a life saver! We need to crash in your room.”

  “What?! What’s wrong with your room?” I kept walking and picked up each bottle as I passed it. I figured running and hiding in my room at that point would have been a bit obvious.

  “I can’t find my key. And we’re exhausted. Could we just crash on your futon? Please?” Gretchen’s words were slurred which made me want to actually hit her. I’d never hit anyone in my life but at that moment I was convinced it would feel amazing.

  “I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Lexi.” I said her fake name with a hint of sarcasm.

  “Are futons standard issue in Webster flats?” Oliver spoke slowly, obviously still drunk. I still hadn’t turned around.