by Sandy Taylor
‘Actually, Nelson, I’ve joined up,’ said Jack.
‘I had a feeling you might.’
‘Didn’t have a choice really.’
‘What regiment are you joining?’
‘I’m going as a combat medic, that’s all I know at the moment.’
‘Well, let’s hope that by the time you finish the training it will all be over.’
‘That would be good,’ said Jack. ‘For everyone.’
We stayed for about an hour and then one of the pretty young nurses walked down the garden. ‘Enough excitement for one day, I think,’ she said, stepping on the brake and turning the chair around.
‘You’ll come again, won’t you?’ Nelson called as he was wheeled away up the garden.
‘Next Sunday,’ called Jack.
‘Give my love to the others,’ shouted Nelson.
On the way home I stared out of the bus window and I thought about Nelson. I was glad that he was being looked after so well by the pretty nurses but it had made me feel not exactly bad inside but strange, maybe even a bit unhappy. Now, what the bloody hell was all that about?
Fifty-Three
We visited Nelson every Sunday. Sometimes we spent the entire visit in the shelter under the house but we didn’t mind. We got to know the other patients at Valerie House and those times became quite jolly. I found myself making memories of those days we spent together.
Some days we were allowed to wheel him along the seafront. We’d get ice creams or fish and chips. The beach at Hastings was out of bounds, just like our beach in Brighton.
‘Won’t it be great when we can walk on the pebbles again?’ said Nelson.
‘And paddle in the sea,’ I said, smiling.
‘And play cowboys and Indians,’ said Jack, laughing.
‘I’m sure that day will come and I pray we’ll all be together when it does,’ said Nelson.
‘I’ll second that,’ said Jack.
‘And I third it,’ I said.
We all laughed but there was a sadness in the laughter. Would we all be together at the end? I hoped with all my heart that we would.
* * *
One evening Jack and I were sitting at the end of my garden. It was still warm. We could hear children playing in the street and one of the neighbours mowing his lawn. We could smell all the cooking smells wafting out of all the open windows on the estate. Everything was so normal, a spring evening when children played and mothers cooked and men mowed the lawn. You could almost forget that we were at war.
I treasured every moment I spent with Jack, taking pictures in my mind, tucking them away so that I could take them out and look at them again when he had gone.
His Mum had taken the news as badly, as we both knew she would.
‘She just can’t, or won’t, understand why I have to go.’
‘She’ll get used to it, Jack. Once she’s got over the shock.’
But he shook his head. ‘I’m not sure that she will,’ he said. ‘I’ve tried to explain how I feel but she won’t listen.’
‘And your dad?’
‘He understands, but I knew he would. I think he’s a bit proud of me, but of course, he can’t say that. Not in front of Mum, anyway.’
‘What does being a medic mean? Will you have to fight?’ I said.
‘I’ll know more when I start my training.’
‘And when will that be, Jack? When will you have to go?’
‘I’m waiting to get my orders but I think it will be soon.’
‘I’m scared,’ I said, leaning into him.
‘So am I, my love,’ he said, holding me tightly.
‘I’ll light a candle for you,’ I said.
‘Me and the dead dog?’
‘You and the dead dog.’
‘Don’t you think you’ve lit enough candles for him?’ he asked, grinning.
‘I think that sometimes, but then when I kneel down, I feel I have to. You know, like I’d feel bad if I didn’t.’
‘You’re an old softy, do you know that?’
Suddenly we heard the sound of Jack’s mum. ‘Are you over there, Jack?’ she shouted.
Jack put a finger to his lips. ‘Shush,’ he whispered.
‘Shouldn’t you go?’ I whispered back.
‘No, I’m where I should be.’
OK, she was his mum, I accepted that, but I needed him too and he needed me. I knew she didn't approve of my relationship with Jack. Nothing was ever said but I just knew and I knew that she resented the time he spent with me.
* * *
Jack’s orders came through at the beginning of May. His mother was in a terrible state. Mr Forrest came round and asked Mum if she would go next door and sit with her.
‘I didn’t know whether to put my arms around her or slap her,’ said Mum when she came back home. ‘I know how scared she is and I know how disappointed she is that Jack has gone against her wishes. I wanted to tell her to be proud of her son and to respect his decision but she’s making it all about her, about how she’s going to feel, about how he’s her only child and his place is with her. Honestly, Maureen, I felt like shaking her. Her husband looks like he’s at his wits’ end, poor man.’
Everything that Jack’s mum was feeling I was feeling as well, so I did feel sorry for her, but I didn’t let Jack see how worried I was. I wanted to make the most of the time we had together; I didn’t want to waste it on regrets. I had to believe that he would come through the war safely and I wanted Jack to believe that as well.
I wanted us to do the things we normally did; I didn’t want things to be any different. And so we went to the pictures and sometimes Monica and Chester joined us. We avoided sad films and films about the war. Instead we laughed at George Formby and giggled at Old Mother Riley. They were silly films but that’s what we needed and, judging by the laughter in the cinema, it was what everyone needed.
We sat in bus shelters in the blackout, eating fish and chips out of the paper and we kissed in doorways and we held onto each other as tightly as we could. We knew that in time Chester would also be shipped out and there was a kind of desperation to these outings.
‘Have you done it yet, Maureen?’ asked Monica one day when we were on our own.
‘No, we haven’t,’ I said.
‘You should, you really should,’ she said.
‘Have you and Chester?’
‘Of course we have, daft!’
‘Where did you do it though?’ I said.
‘You’d be surprised how inventive you can be when you have to.’
We were sitting on the green at the top of the road.
‘We’ve done it here actually,’ she said, giggling.
‘Here?’ I said. ‘On the green?’
‘More than once.’
‘More than once?’
‘For heaven’s sake, Maureen, they’re going to war! They need comfort and so do we. It gives them something to remember and to come home to.’
‘I want to do it,’ I said.
‘Do it then. He’s going to be gone in a week. It’s no good wishing you’d done it when you’re waving him off on the train. It’ll be too bloody late then.’
‘I don’t fancy doing it on the green.’
Monica raised her eyes. ‘I’ll tell you what, why don’t we talk to Brenda and get her to take your mum to the pictures one evening? Then you can do it in the comfort of your own bed. Would that be more to your taste, madam?’
Monica was a tonic and I hoped that she would never change. She made me brave.
‘Aren’t you scared?’ asked Brenda when I told her the plan.
‘A bit,’ I said.
‘I’d be terrified,’ she said, making a face.
‘That’s because you haven’t met the right boy. When you meet the right boy, I don’t think you’ll be so terrified.’
‘But how will you know you’re doing it right?’
‘It can’t be that difficult. Think of all the millions of women who’ve done it, even
Aunty Vera’s done it.’
‘Yeah, and look what she ended up with!’
I giggled. ‘Imagine doing it with Uncle Fred.’
‘I can’t even go there.’
‘Nor me.’
‘Do you know what really bothers me, Maureen?’
‘What?’
‘I’d be worried that Dada was watching.’
‘Thanks for that, Brenda, I really need that image in my head.’
‘Sorry, but doesn’t that bother you?’
‘Well, it didn’t till you mentioned it.’
‘I shouldn’t think he’d mind though, do you?’
I thought of Daddy and how much he loved me and how he had always known how much I loved Jack. ‘I don’t think he’d mind at all,’ I said, smiling at her.
‘How long does it take to do it?’
‘For God’s sake, Brenda, you don’t half ask some odd questions! How do I know how long it takes? I’ve never done it before.’
‘It’s just that I need to know how long to keep Mum out for.’
‘Like I said, I don’t know how long it takes and I’ve never spoken to anyone who’s timed it, but I reckon not much more than half an hour. Happy now?’
Brenda nodded. ‘You’d better get started as soon as we leave the house, just in case you have to practise first.’
‘Bloody hell, Brenda! It’s nice to know that romance is still alive and well in See Saw Lane.’
‘And I’ll want to know all about it.’
‘Well, you’ll just have to want it, Brenda O’Connell.’
We had decided that Thursday evening was when Mum and Brenda would go to the pictures. All day long at work my tummy was in knots.
‘What the hell’s wrong with you today?’ said Maggie after I’d dropped the third pile of books.
‘Nothing,’ I said.
‘Yes there is. I can read you like one of those books, Maureen O’Connell, so spill the beans. I can tell you want to.’
I picked up the books that were scattered on the floor. ‘Mum and Brenda are going to the pictures tonight.’
‘So?’
‘So me and Jack will be alone in the house.’
I could see Maggie’s brain ticking over. ‘You and Jack will be alone in the house?’ she said. Then it dawned on her. ‘Oh right, you and Jack will be alone in the house.’
‘Correct,’ I said, grinning.
‘And I presume by the way you’ve been acting all day that this will be the first time?’
I nodded.
‘Put the kettle on and I’ll talk you through it,’ she said seriously.
‘Must you?’ I said, screwing up my face.
‘Best be prepared,’ she said, going to the door and turning the sign around.
‘How do I get prepared?’
‘You know, in your head.’
‘Won’t it just happen naturally?’
‘It might, but be prepared for a bit of fumbling.’
‘Fumbling?’
‘Yeah, you know.’
‘No, I don’t know, Maggie, and I don’t think I want to.’
‘I’m only trying to help.’
‘I know you are but I had no idea that it could be that difficult.’
‘It depends.’
‘On what?’
‘No, you’re probably right. You might get lucky and it’ll just happen naturally, like you said.’
‘I’m beginning to wonder if it’s all worth it if it’s going to be that complicated.’
‘Oh, it’s definitely worth it, Maureen.’
‘Well, thank God for that,’ I said, grinning at her.
‘You love each other, don’t you?’
‘Very much.’
‘Then it’ll be OK.’
* * *
When I got home that evening I couldn’t eat my tea – my stomach felt like it was full of frogs. Just as Mum and Brenda were going out the door, Mum turned round.
‘Are you sure you won’t come with us?’ she said.
‘I’m seeing Jack, Mum.’
‘Well, you have a lovely time with him.’
‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,’ said Brenda, winking at me.
If I’d had anything to throw at her I would have done, instead I made a face.
Once they were gone, I went upstairs. The house suddenly seemed so quiet. I couldn’t remember a time when I had been alone there and it felt strange. I walked across to the window and looked out over the garden. I thought of the child now, peering through the branches and seeing Jack for the first time: the child had gone and she was about to become a woman.
I sat on the bed and waited for Jack.
Fifty-Four
Jack and I said goodbye up on the Downs. We lay on the grass wrapped in each other’s arms. Something had changed between us since we’d made love. I’d always loved him but now I was a part of him in a way that I’d never been before. I knew that Jack felt the same, there was something in his eyes when he looked at me. I’m not sure what it was, but we were different, as if we’d made a commitment to each other to be together forever, in a sort of ‘Till death us do part’ kind of a way. Yes, that was it, I felt that we were married. As married as if we’d stood in front of Father O’Malley and been given his blessing. But I didn’t need all that. I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me that we belonged to each other, I already knew. I’d always known.
I looked across at Jack; his eyes were closed. Jack was beautiful, in a way that many boys aren’t. There was something almost girlish about him. His lashes lay dark against his cheeks hiding for a moment his eyes that were as blue as the sea. I leaned across and gently brushed the hair away from his forehead. His hair reminded me of a fairy tale that Daddy once told me, about a princess who spun straw into gold. That was what Jack’s hair looked like, it looked like spun gold. Yes, Jack was beautiful.
I lay there looking up at the sky and I remembered our special night. I suppose I should have been scared after all the advice I’d been given but something told me that I had nothing to be scared about. There were no surprises, no fumbling. I knew Jack’s body like I knew my own. I’d watched him grow from the boy into the man. I knew the soft places and the hard places, the curve of his spine, the pale downy hair on his arms and legs that caught the sun as he ran along the beach. The sharp bones jutting from his hips that dug into me as we tumbled together on the snowy hills. I’d felt the softness of his belly and seen the hollow at the base of his throat, glistening with sweat. I wasn’t lost, I needed no signs to follow; I knew where I was going. I had always known where I was going. I welcomed the heaviness of him and when the pain came, it was a pain like no other pain I had ever felt. It filled every part of me with joy and it made me grateful to be alive on that night, in that place with the boy that I had always loved.
Jack opened his eyes and smiled and I cuddled into him. I lay my head on his chest and listened to the soft beat of his heart. Jack and I were as close as it was possible to be, our bodies touching from our shoulders down to our toes, but soon one of us would move and there would be a gap between us, just like the gap between the tree and his back garden. We would walk home holding hands, our skin still touching, and then the gap would widen; other people would get in the way. Like the dancers at the end of the pier, coming together and moving apart, circling each other and smiling across a crowded room until the music faded away. The music always faded away.
‘Let’s walk,’ said Jack, getting up.
We walked across the hills towards the cliffs. We held hands as we always did, our steps perfectly matched as they always were. I had never been so aware of his hand in mine; I wanted to hold onto him forever. How was I going to find the strength to let him go?
We stood at the edge of the cliff and looked out over the sea.
Jack turned my face towards him. ‘Promise me something,’ he said.
I didn’t know what he wanted and I didn’t know if I could promise him anything.
�
��Promise me.’
‘I’ll try.’
‘I might not come back.’
I pulled away from him. ‘Don’t say that,’ I sobbed.
He caught hold of me and pulled me back.
‘I might not come back,’ he said again.
I shook my head. ‘I don’t want to hear that, Jack. How can you say that? Are you trying to break my heart?’
‘I wouldn’t hurt you for the world, Maureen.’
‘Then don’t say it, don’t say that you might not come back, because you have to. If you don’t come back, I’ll die. I will, Jack, I’ll die.’
Jack tried to put his arms around me but I didn’t want him to touch me. I walked away from him, tears streaming down my cheeks. How could he say that? How could he? And then he was behind me, his arms holding me tightly, his soft lips gently kissing the back of my neck.
‘I know it’s not what you want to hear, my love,’ he said softly, ‘but we can’t pretend that I’m going on some kind of holiday. People are dying and I might be one of the unlucky ones. I will try and stay safe, I promise you that, because we have a life together, you and I. I want nothing more than to marry you, Maureen, and have children and grow old with you, but if that can’t happen I want to know that you will be alright. I want you to remember what we have had and how lucky we have been. Not many people have had what we’ve had. We’ve grown up together, Maureen, we didn’t have to search the world to find each other. You were there up in the tree and I was just over the fence. I can hardly remember a time without you. Even if I don’t make it back, we have already spent almost a lifetime together and all those memories will be there in your heart. I will be there in your heart and I will stay there until the day comes when you don’t need me any more.’
I listened to him and I knew that what he was saying was right. He didn’t want to hurt me but he did have to prepare me. He was saying these things because he loved me.
I turned in his arms and looked into his eyes.
