by Sandy Taylor
‘We’re going to have a baby, Jack,’ I whispered. ‘We’re going to have a baby.’
Fifty-Seven
I was on the bus going to Hastings; I needed to tell Nelson. Strangely enough, I didn’t know how he was going to take it. I was pretty sure how most people would react, but not Nelson. My family had been amazing.
‘You’re not ashamed of me, Mum, are you?’
‘I could never be ashamed of you, Maureen,’ she’d said. ‘You loved Jack and he loved you, and I’m sure that you would have got married after the war.’
‘He never asked me, you know. I thought he would, but he never.’
‘The war takes boys in different ways. Some want to get married as soon as they get their call-up papers. They want to know that their girlfriends are going to stay true to them while they’re away fighting. Others, like Jack, fear that they might not come home and they don’t want the girl they love to end up a widow. I can understand Jack not asking you and I know that it wouldn’t have been because he didn’t want to.’
‘Don’t you mind that people are going to talk?’ I’d asked.
‘People will always talk. They talked when your dad died. Let them gossip if it makes them feel better about themselves. Hold your head up high, my girl, you’ve done nothing wrong.’
‘Thanks, Mum. I’m going to have to tell Mrs Bentley and Peter and they might not want me working in the bookshop.’
‘They don’t seem like judgemental people to me.’
‘They’re not, but the customers might be.’
Then Mum had taken my face in her hands. ‘This child will be a blessing, Maureen, and this child will be loved because it was born out of love. If people want to think otherwise, that’s up to them.’
My family were amazing.
* * *
It was strange going to see Nelson without Jack; it made me feel lonely inside. The seat next to me was empty so I put my bag on it. I missed him, I missed him so much.
I got off at the bus station and started walking back along the seafront. I passed the house with the missing wall. The flowery wallpaper was still hanging off in strips but the bed was gone. Jack would have had something funny to say about why the bed was gone. I couldn’t believe that I would never hear his voice again.
It was a warm day and the front door to Valerie House was wide open. I stepped into the cool hallway and waited for someone to come. There was music coming from behind a closed door to my left and I could hear the muffled sound of people talking and laughing. As I opened the door, I saw Nelson right away. He was standing beside a piano, turning the pages of the music for the young boy who was playing.
‘Nelson?’ I called.
He turned around and his face split into a huge grin when he saw me. ‘Maureen, I didn’t know you were coming,’ he said.
‘Sorry, mate,’ he said to the boy and walked over to me.
I smiled at him.
He immediately looked concerned. ‘Are you OK?’
I nodded but Nelson knew me, he knew me like Jack knew me.
‘You’re not, are you?’
‘Can we talk?’ I said.
‘Of course. We’ll go into the garden, we’ll have a bit more privacy out there.’
We walked to the far end of the lawn.
‘You’re walking better,’ I said.
‘It’s getting easier,’ he told me, sitting down on a bench. ‘Now, come here and tell me what’s wrong. Because I know that something is.’
‘There’s nothing wrong,’ I said, sitting down next to him. ‘At least, I hope you won’t think that it’s wrong.’
Nelson reached across and held my hand. ‘Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.’
‘I’m going to have a baby, Nelson. I’m going to have Jack’s baby.’
I held my breath. Nelson’s opinion seemed suddenly very important to me. It felt like ages before a huge smile spread slowly across his face and I could feel myself relax. ‘I didn’t know how you’d feel about it,’ I said.
‘You didn’t?’
‘I wanted you to be happy.’
‘How could I not be happy? This baby will be a part of Jack, I can’t think of anything more wonderful than that.’
I smiled. ‘Neither can I.’
‘A baby, eh?’
I nodded. ‘Should I tell Jack’s parents?’
‘Do you want to?’
I looked down at the ground. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘Then don’t.’
‘But if they find out then they’ll know it’s Jack’s.’
Nelson went quiet and stared out across the garden, then he looked at me.
‘Not if you’re married, they won’t,’ he said.
‘What do you mean, if I’m married? Who’s going to want to marry me now?’
‘Me?’ he said softly.
I didn’t know what to say. What the hell was he on about? I actually found myself laughing. ‘We can’t get married, Nelson, you’re like my brother.’
‘I had a feeling you’d say that, but what if I told you that I wouldn’t expect anything from you?’
‘Then why marry me?’
‘I could take care of you, you and the baby. I could give the baby my name. I’d be proud to do that, Maureen. Perhaps I’m being selfish, I hope not. But I could give you the protection of a marriage, people wouldn’t talk. I know it sounds mad, but will you think about it?’
I shook my head. What was he thinking? I couldn’t marry Nelson – he was my friend, he was Jack’s friend. It was a stupid idea. I loved Jack, I hadn’t stopped loving him because he’d died. I couldn’t just suddenly marry Nelson, could I? Could I?
I stood up and walked away from him; he didn’t follow. I passed young men in wheelchairs, some of them had lost legs. I saw a man being guided around by two nurses, his eyes were bandaged. None of us knew what was going to happen, none of us knew the moment we’d end up in the bottom of a smelly bucket, we just joined in the dance until the music stopped. I leaned against a tree and looked out across the lawns. I listened to the sound of the gulls and breathed in the salty air and I thought about Nelson: he would look after me, he would look after the baby. He would never hurt me, he would never let me down – but was that a good enough reason to marry someone? Especially someone you didn’t love? I think I had always known that Nelson cared for me, so would it be fair to expect him to put up with half a marriage when there was probably a girl out there who would love him the way he deserved to be loved? Wouldn’t I be taking advantage of his feelings for me?
I was tempted. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. Nelson was offering me marriage and respectability; my child wouldn’t be looked down on. But if I accepted his offer, then I had to do something for him. I thought about Nelson and the rotten childhood he’d had. He’d never had a loving home and I could give him that. I could take care of him and I could give him a home. It might work, it just might work.
Fifty-Eight
Nelson and I were married at Brighton town hall. I had always dreamed of getting married in a church but the Church had let me down. They wouldn’t bury my daddy and the Blessed Virgin Mary didn’t look after Jack, even though I’d lit enough candles over the years to deserve a sainthood.
Once I was able to I went down to the church. I went straight to the side altar and stood in front of the statue of Mary.
‘You’re just a statue, aren’t you? You’re just a stupid statue made of plaster. I’ve been lighting candles to a lump of bloody plaster!’ I was shouting now. ‘I hate you, I hate you and I’m never coming back here. Do you hear me? Of course you don’t, cos you’ve got no bloody ears. You’ve never listened to me or to Brenda. You’ve never taken care of Jack or Nelson or the dead dog. You never cared that Nelson was getting beaten up or that Jack’s train got bombed.’ Tears were streaming down my face. ‘And you let my daddy die!’ I yelled. ‘You let my daddy die!’
Father O’Malley came rushing out of the presbytery. ‘What on ear
th’s the matter?’ he demanded, running over to me. ‘Oh it’s you, Maureen. What’s wrong, child?’
‘That’s what’s wrong!’ I said, pointing to the statue.
‘Now what has the Blessed Virgin Mary done to you, Maureen?’ he said gently.
‘She’s not the Blessed Virgin Mary, she’s just a lump of stone. I’ve spent half my life praying to a lump of stone.’
‘Let’s sit down,’ he said, leading me towards a pew.
‘I hate her, Father.’
‘No you don’t, Maureen, you hate what’s happened and you want someone to blame and why not God and his sweet mother? Yes, this is just a lump of stone, as you put it, but it’s somewhere for people to come, it gives comfort. Do you think that your Jack or your father are underneath the ground, Maureen?’
I shook my head.
‘Of course you don’t, because you know that their souls are with Almighty God. But their graves are somewhere for you to visit, to sit and remember, to talk with them. It’s the same with the statues in this church. We know they are not real but they allow us to sit for a while and light a candle and pray and find some peace. No, Maureen, the statue can’t hear your prayers but God can and so can the Blessed Virgin.’
I thanked him and left the church. On the way home I thought about what the priest had said. It didn’t change anything; it still meant that no one had listened. I felt like asking for a refund on the bloody candles.
When I’d told my mum that I was going to marry Nelson she was, of course, a bit concerned – in fact she was worried about the same things that I was worried about. The main thing being, was this fair on Nelson?
‘He’s always cared for you, you know,’ she said.
‘I know he has and that’s what worries me. Am I stopping him from marrying someone who could love him properly?’
‘You know you are, but it seems that Nelson would rather be married to you on any terms than be married to anyone else.’
‘So should I have turned him down?’
‘Do you know what I think, Maureen?’
‘What?’
‘I think the pair of you will be fine. Being in love doesn’t always guarantee a perfect marriage. Some of the best marriages are arranged between families. I’m not saying they all work out, but I think a lot of them do and believe it or not, love doesn’t conquer all. What you and Nelson have is a deep friendship and that’s about as close to love as you can get.’
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I said.
* * *
Monica, on the other hand, was definitely against it.
‘Marry Nelson!’ she screamed. ‘You can’t, Maureen, you just can’t!’
‘Why not?’
‘Bloody hell, where do you want me to start? You don’t even love him. Isn’t love kind of important in a marriage?’
‘I think friendship is just as important, Monica,’ I said. I didn’t know whether I was trying to convince her or myself.
‘Look, Maureen, maybe you’re right. My mum and dad reckon they’re in love and look at the state of them. I’m not going to tell you what you can or can’t do. Nelson loves you and he’ll look after you and if that’s enough for the both of you, then I wish you all the happiness in the world.’
‘Thanks, Monica. Fancy being my bridesmaid?’
‘I thought you’d never ask,’ she said.
‘Well, it was a toss-up between you and Marion Tucker, but…’
‘Oh, you,’ she said, grinning.
* * *
Our wedding day was actually lovely. All the people we cared about were there. Mrs Bentley loaned me a grey silk dress and a little pale pink hat – I had never worn such lovely clothes. Nelson looked very handsome in his suit and Monica looked pretty in a pale green dress that set her red hair off beautifully. Mr Farley from the orphanage was Nelson’s best man and Uncle John gave me away.
We had our reception at Mrs Bentley’s house. She had always been so good to me. From the day Daddy had asked for the old dolls’ pram, she had been like a second mum. It was a beautiful day and we were able to sit in the garden. Peter brought out chairs and spread blankets on the grass.
When I was a child my world was small, just Mum, Daddy and my little sister. Aunty Marge and Uncle John, of course, but mostly it had been just the four of us. Now, as I looked around the garden, it made me happy inside to see all these people who were a part of my world. Good people, like Maggie, the butcher and his wife, the baker and his wife, Hassan and Afshid, Monica, Mrs Bentley and Peter. These people had helped me in so many ways. They had all been there, nudging me along, accepting my grief, allowing me to mourn and gently guiding me from that dark place back into the sun; they made losing Jack easier than it would have been. And then I looked across at Nelson, dearest Nelson. He wasn’t Jack, he would never be Jack but I would do my best to make him happy. I watched him laugh at something Chester had said and suddenly I felt proud of him: Nelson deserved all the happiness he could get and I was going to make sure he got it.
* * *
The day after our wedding Nelson and I went to visit Jack’s grave. We knelt on the ground.
‘I hope you’ll be happy for us, my friend,’ said Nelson. ‘I promise you that I will take care of Maureen and your baby. It should be you, Jack, and I hope you don’t mind that it’s me. A poor second best, I know but—’
‘Don’t say that, Nelson, it’s not true,’ I said.
‘I think it is but I’m not complaining, Maureen, not for one second. I’ve always loved you and I want nothing more than to take care of you. I just hope that Jack can understand.’
We had brought some flowers with us. I stood up and handed the jam jar to Nelson.
‘Would you fill this with water?’
He nodded and walked across the cemetery to the tap.
I knelt down again. ‘I hope I’ve done the right thing, Jack. I was scared, you see. Scared of bringing up this baby on my own without you. I care for Nelson, I trust him to look after us and I will do my best to make him happy. So look down on us, Jack, and help us to make this work, that’s all I’m asking.’
Nelson came back carrying the jam jar full of water. I arranged the flowers and we stood them on the grave.
I miss you with all my heart and I will love you until the day I die, I thought.
‘Rest in peace, Jack,’ said Nelson.
Fifty-Nine
Rita Perks came into the world on 23 February 1942, during one of the longest air raids that anyone could remember. She weighed eight pounds and two ounces. She was also two weeks overdue and I was the size of a barrage balloon. I gave birth to her in the hospital and Nelson wasn’t allowed into the labour room but I knew that he was sitting outside in the corridor the whole time. I thought that I was going to die with the pain and I was told afterwards that I had screamed out Jack’s name, which totally confused the nurses, as they knew that the man sitting outside the room was my husband and his name was Nelson.
When I looked into Rita’s eyes it was like looking into Jack’s. They were as blue as the sea and her hair, what there was of it, was nearly white. She was Jack’s child alright and as I held her soft little body against mine it was love at first sight, just as it had been the first time I’d seen Jack from up in the tree. I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.
* * *
When I woke up, Nelson was sitting beside my bed.
‘Are you alright, love?’ he asked.
‘How did you get in here?’ I said.
‘I know one of the porters,’ he said, grinning.
‘Have you seen the baby?’
‘She’s beautiful, Maureen,’ he said. ‘And she—’
‘Looks like Jack?’
He nodded.
I winced as I shifted myself up the bed. ‘She may look like Jack but she’s your daughter, Nelson. You’re her father now.’
‘I want to be.’
‘Well, you are and you’re going to be a great dad.’
He smiled and
reached for my hand. ‘Thank you,’ he said.
‘No one has to thank anyone for anything here, Nelson. We’re a family now and we’re going to be the very best family that we can be.’
* * *
Mum came to visit me and I shall never forget the look on her face as she looked into the cot.
‘Can I hold her?’
‘Of course you can.’
She gently lifted Rita into her arms and kissed her little cheek. ‘She’s beautiful, Maureen, she’s perfect.’
‘And she looks like Jack,’ I said.
‘She does indeed, but she’s got a look of you too.’
‘Has she?’
‘You had a round little face like that.’
I didn’t answer her.
‘What’s wrong, love?’ she asked.
‘I’ve got something on my mind, Mum.’
She lay the baby back down in her cot and waited for me to speak.
‘Should I tell Jack’s parents that they have a grandchild?’
‘I’ve thought about that myself, Maureen, and for the life of me I don’t know what’s the right thing to do. They’ve lost their only son and my heart goes out to them. To know that they have a grandchild would be a wonderful thing.’
‘I know, but I want Rita growing up believing that Nelson is her father and I want that for Nelson too. If I let Jack’s parents into her life then she’ll know she’s not his. She’ll know that Nelson is not her real dad.’
‘What’s your head telling you to do?’
‘Tell them.’
‘And your heart?’
‘Say nothing.’
‘I can’t tell you what to do, love, but I can tell you that family comes first and you, Nelson and Rita are family now, so you must do what’s best for all three of you.’
