by J. M. Page
Chapter Fourteen
Mara
She woke up countless hours later with a fierce growling in her stomach. Mara woke slowly to the gnawing hunger, wondering how long she’d been sleeping. She listened for the telltale hum of the ship’s engines, focused to feel the vibrations, and when neither of those were present, decided they were still in port.
Finally, she convinced herself to swing her legs over the side of the cot, her joints stiff and creaky from hours and hours of being ignored. Her muscles protested when she tried to stand and it took her three attempts to get fully upright.
She made her way down to the dining hall, wondering when the last meal she had was. Was it yesterday? Or the day before? So much had happened in such a short time that it was impossible to keep track anymore.
All Mara knew was that she was starving.
To her surprise, the dining hall was bustling with activity. It seemed that nearly everyone was back from port leave which meant they must be leaving soon.
She got her food and held her tray in front of her, scanning the room for a place to sit. It was just like her first day all over again. Nowhere to sit, no one making eye contact, and Mara left feeling isolated and alone all over again.
Someone nudged her shoulder from behind and Mara was about to whirl on them, a quick insult sharp on her tongue, but then she saw Delta looking guilty.
“Why don’t you come sit with us?” she said, sounding unsure of herself.
Mara looked from Delta, down to her tray and back up. “Are you sure?”
Delta’s shoulders slumped and she let out a big sigh. “Yeah. Truce? I miss having you around.”
Mara smiled in spite of herself and nodded. “Truce. I missed you too.”
Delta looked like she wanted to hug her, but they both had their hands full with food, so they just laughed and awkwardly bumped shoulders as a sign of affection.
Mara took her regular seat at the engineering table and was greeted by all the usual suspects. Everyone seemed to ignore whatever tension was going on between Mara and the Captain and that suited Mara just fine. She didn’t really want to delve into the depths of her conflicting feelings about him at that moment.
They carried some conversation or another around her, but Mara could only focus on the food in front of her, inhaling it as fast as possible. It was only once her belly was full and her mind free to wander that she interrupted them.
“Where did they send my father?” She knew he couldn’t still be on the ship. She didn’t think Torak would have her locked in her room with her captor still on the ship, no matter how secure he thought they both were.
She shuddered to think what would happen to her father in an Imperial prison. He wouldn’t last long and she’d need to get him out somehow. Still, as frightening as the thought of her father in one of the Queen’s prisons was, Mara knew it was probably the best option she could hope for.
Everyone at the table fell silent all at once and Delta’s face turned grim, making Mara’s heart sink deeper into the gaping pit of despair in her gut.
“Well?” she asked, the fine hairs on her arms prickling. Was he already dead? While she was worried about alien planets and napping? She felt like she might lose her breakfast.
“You don’t know?” Delta asked, concern still written in the creases of her forehead.
Mara shook her head slowly, her mouth turning to sand, her head spinning with panic.
“Captain let him go,” Eddi said, a sour note in his voice.
“Let… let him go?” Mara stammered, her heart in her throat now on a roller coaster inside her. Her palms were damp, the underside of her skin cold. Was it true? Was her father a free man again? It seemed too much to hope for.
Delta nodded. “Before we even left Nexus. He’s probably home by now even.”
It felt like the weight of an entire planet lifted off Mara’s chest and she expelled a great breath. Her dad was okay. He wasn’t in jail or dead. He was okay. Torak had set him free.
But that left a bigger question unanswered. “Why?”
Delta shrugged. “Beats me. Probably cause he knew that’s what you’d want.”
Mara slouched in her seat, a whole new weight pressing on her in an altogether different way. Instead of worry or fear, this weight was pure regret and guilt. She had been such a jerk to him and he still turned around and set her father free?
Nova she was despicable.
She cleared her tray and stood from the table, new determination in every step. “I’ll see you guys later,” she said, with a glance toward the officer’s table. Torak wasn’t there and she frowned.
She needed to find him. Needed to apologize for being so thoughtless. And to thank him.
Mara didn’t find him in the flight deck so she continued onward, hoping to find him in his quarters.
Instead, she heard his voice coming from another room on the way. She couldn’t make out what he was saying, but his was the only voice she heard, so she knocked on the door, hoping she wasn’t interrupting anything important.
It wasn’t that this conversation couldn’t wait — it could, and maybe should — but now that Mara had the thought in her head, she didn’t want to wait on it.
The door opened, Torak standing on the other side, tall, broad, and handsome as ever. Mara’s pulse quickened as she tilted her head back to meet his gaze.
Her eyes darted to the side, to verify that he was alone in the room and then she looked back to him.
“Yes?” he prompted, his voice tight and annoyed. Was she the annoyance? The reason for the crease in his brow and the frown on his lips?
Nova she hoped not. Though she would understand.
“Is this a bad time?”
“A bad time for what?” he said, harsh, unyielding. Mara nearly shrank back, but she resisted the urge and held her ground.
“I was hoping we could talk?” She fidgeted with her fingers, unable to tear herself away from his piercing glare. Part of her wanted to sink down into the floor and disappear to never have to face that look again. Another part of her — maybe the more foolish, reckless part — wanted to smooth it over, to fix it so that he never gave her that look again. She only hoped it wasn’t too late.
“I think you’ve said everything you needed to,” he said, folding his arms across his chest, still not budging from the doorway.
Mara’s jaw hung slack for a brief moment before she shook free of her shock, pursing her lips at his obstinacy. “I haven’t, actually, which is why I’m here, trying to talk to you.” Yes, her voice did have a bit of an edge to it, but what did he expect, being so obtuse? She came here to try and apologize to him and make amends and he was just stonewalling her for no real reason.
Or did he have a reason? Maybe he’d just grown tired of whatever burgeoning relationship they had. Maybe he just didn’t care any more.
That thought made her heart sink, sadness closing the void where hope had fled.
“Fine, what do you want to say?”
Mara narrowed her eyes at him, trying to see through this tough outer shell, to peer through and see if he was just guarding himself or if she should just give up because he’d moved on.
Who are you kidding? You don’t give up, she chided herself, taking a deep breath.
“I heard about you releasing my father.” Torak’s posture stiffened, his expression unreadable.
“I just wanted to thank you. You didn’t have to do that, I know, but I appreciate that you did. He didn’t mean any harm.”
He nodded stiffly, as if he didn’t want to give her even that tiny gesture. “Is that all?”
“I—” Mara faltered, taken aback by his gruff reply. She strengthened her resolve, determined to get this out even if he didn’t care, even if he didn’t want to hear it, even if it didn’t make any difference at all.
“I also wanted to apologize. I said some things… I never should have said. I didn’t mean them; I was worried for my father and lashing out. That’s not
an excuse though.”
For a split-second, his expression seemed to soften, the wall to his emotions shattering in his eyes, his shoulders relaxing, his hands falling to his sides. For a moment, Mara thought she’d managed to get through to him, to mend the broken bridge between them.
“I see,” he said.
She tried a lopsided smile and a shrug. “I guess I’m still working on figuring you out,” she said, an attempt at lightening the mood a little.
As quickly as he’d softened, Torak closed up again, his face going hard, his arms crossing defensively again. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t.”
Mara took a step back, the raw anger leaving him in waves striking her, making her uneasy. “I’m sorry?”
“I’m not some puzzle to be solved and discarded. I’m not some fun little game to figure out and forget once you have the answer.”
“I wasn’t—” she tried to interrupt, but he wasn’t having it.
“Whatever you’re trying to ‘figure out’ here — just stop. It’s none of your — or anyone else’s — concern. The past is the past. I am who I am. There’s no going back or undoing it, and there’s no use dwelling on it.” His brow furrowed until it shadowed his eyes and that yellow gaze she’d grown so fond of disappeared in the darkness.
“I suggest you find a hobby. I’m not your puzzle to solve.”
Before Mara could say anything to defend herself or correct him or anything, Torak stepped back and closed the door again, leaving her staring at it, open-mouthed in shock.
What was all of that about? Did he really think she just wanted to ‘solve and discard’ him? Mara was the first to admit enjoying a good puzzle, but she’d never reduced Torak down to only being a mystery. He was so much more — a fair Captain, compassionate with those in need, friendly and joking with those he trusted. He’d opened up to her and made her heart ache for him. He made her hope for a life she never dreamed possible.
But now?
Well, she didn’t know what to think. Maybe he still needed time. She should just give him space. She thanked him and apologized and did what she could. What else was there?
Mara sulked back to her quarters, her body leaden with lost hope. Being with Torak was like flying in space without grav pumps — she couldn’t tell which way was up or down or sideways. He made her so unsure of herself, so confused. She was starting to wonder if it was even worth the trouble.
The deep dark recesses of her mind rebelled at that thought. It brought up memories of their kiss, of Torak holding her as they gazed out at space, of his secret smile just for her as they checked their safety harnesses before docking. Her stomach twisted in knots and tears clogged her throat. Could it all be over before they’d ever really begun?
She sucked in a deep breath. Refusing to believe it. He was still just hurt and angry. That was okay, he just needed time to come around.
Everything would be fine.
Or at least… She hoped it would be.
Chapter Fifteen
Torak
Torak paced the length of the tiny room, his chest still burning with anger, remorse, regret, and a hundred other unpleasant emotions.
What was he doing? Mara came to him, apologized, trying to make amends, and he just shut her out.
Truthfully, he couldn’t deal with it anymore. The back and forth. Never knowing if he was in her favor or not. Never knowing if he was saying or doing the right thing. It was impossible.
Before Mara, he never questioned himself. He knew who he was. He was Torak of Basniel, Scourge of the Empire, Captain of the Queen’s Affliction, ruthless smuggler and fugitive.
Now what was he? Torak the easily hurt? Suspicious and guarded? Lonely and heartsick?
That sure didn’t sound very intimidating. It was never going to strike fear into the hearts of pirates and GTC officers alike.
Those kids at the Quasar were right — he’d gone soft. Mara turned him soft. She made him feel this uncertainty, this insecurity, this doubt.
He couldn’t do it any more. He couldn’t handle not knowing who he was when she was around. It was too unsettling. Too infuriating.
He had to do something. Had to change something.
This woman came onto his ship and turned everything upside down, turned him inside out and didn’t even blink. He couldn’t go on like this, pining after her, dreaming of a future together they could never have.
He knew they’d never have that future he dreamed of because, why would they? Mara was a sweet girl, intelligent, gifted with engineering. She had strong morals and an overdeveloped sense of right and wrong. She might be interested in him for her curiosity’s sake, but she’d never want to settle for someone like him. For a monster.
Despite her apology, the words still stung. It was the same thing he thought about himself near constantly, but hearing it come from Mara’s sweet lips, in her intoxicating voice, made it so much worse.
Unbearable.
He set his mind in motion, thinking of a way out of this mess. A way to get back to himself, to forget all of this ever happened and go back to the way things were.
Finally, he had a solution. He went to work making the necessary calls, calling in favors, and getting everything squared away before he made the announcement to the crew.
Once it was all done, he sat back in his seat, a mixture of smug satisfaction and instant regret warring within him. Sure, it would be hard at first, but it was for the best.
“Sande,” he said, reaching for the comms panel. “I need everyone down on the flight deck in fifteen minutes. I’m going to address the crew.”
When the time arrived and Torak was facing his expectant crew, he suddenly doubted his decision. What if he was being hasty or acting on impulse?
But no. Those kinds of doubts were precisely why he had to do this.
Everyone waited, watching him, curious about what this sudden announcement was. He scanned the crowd, making sure everyone was there. Everyone important, at least.
At first, he didn’t think Mara was there and he was ready to call the whole thing off, but then he spotted her, right next to the shock of ginger hair that topped Delta’s head. He took a deep breath, centering himself, remember the man he was destined to be — before this woman.
“There has been a slight change in our plans,” he said. No one seemed surprised. “I’ve arranged for us to meet with another ship, one that has agreed to transport Mara.” There were a few murmurs, mostly from the block of engineering folks toward the back. He caught Mara’s expression, not daring to linger, and almost felt guilty at the betrayal and hurt he saw there. “They’ll take her back to her father, their debt absolved.”
Mara wasn’t the only person glaring daggers at him. Delta was too. So was Eddi, Sande, and about a dozen others. He hadn’t discussed this with anyone — he didn’t need to; he was the Captain — and could tell they weren’t pleased with the development.
Regardless, that’s the way it was going to be. He couldn’t have her on his ship. Distracting him, teasing him, making him forget himself and hope for impossible things. It was a certain path to disappointment.
Mara just stared at him, hurt shimmering in her amber gaze. Not just hurt — tears. They locked eyes and she just shook her head at him, turning and running out of the flight deck without a look back.
Guilt clenched its angry fist around his heart and squeezed until Torak could hardly breathe, but he couldn’t focus on that now. Not with his whole crew still staring at him.
“Sande, I’ve sent you the coordinates. Everyone else, prepare for warp.”
It took longer than usual for people to acknowledge his command and take their positions. Many of the crew members seemed to be in a bit of a daze, still staring at him in disbelief as they drifted to their posts.
It didn’t make a difference to Torak. This was what needed to happen. What had to happen. Mara didn’t have any place on his ship and he didn’t have any place dreaming about a better life. This was his life. This
was all his life would ever be. It was time he took those lessons from life to heart.
Hours later, still deep in their warp jump, Torak sat in the Captain’s chair, alone on the deck. Once everyone did their part to get into warp speed, no one wasted any time leaving him, abandoning him to wallow again.
Even Sande left without a word, sparing only a disheartened look his way.
Mara had been conspicuously absent too — from the flight deck, from meals, from everything. She’d been hiding in her quarters ever since his announcement, her door not opening even once after she’d retreated there.
It was just as well though. Torak didn’t think he’d be able to keep up the stoicism if she was around. Already everything reminded him of her. The seat she took during launch. The base of his chair where she’d hit her head and had him worried out of his mind while she was unconscious. Supernova, even the shields indicator in front of him reminded him of her and how she’d managed to keep the ship together when he thought they were done for.
