by Dannika Dark
When I tried to leave the room, Christian caught me from behind and locked his arms across my chest in a loose grip.
He rested his chin on my shoulder. “It grieves me to see you suffering.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I used to hate my father for being an alcoholic. I kept telling him he had a choice. I knew it had to do with the war, but he never talked about all the bad stuff that happened. He didn’t even talk about my mother’s death. Now I understand. I get it.” I reached up and held his arms. “How do I make it stop?”
The next words he spoke sent a chill up my spine.
“You kill yourself. That’s how immortals survive. You have to kill the human inside you, Raven. If you think that part of you died in Fletcher’s basement, you’re mistaken.”
“Even if I could, it’s too late.” I turned around, my back against the door. “Alcohol was something I’ve always known how to handle. I never got drunk alone. But that changed with this assignment. My father almost drank himself to death, but I can’t get liver disease, Christian. Hell, I could do all the drugs in the city and it wouldn’t make a dent. But none of it erases the memories or dulls the pain. You know what does? Killing. When I’m beating my fists into someone’s face or draining their blood, it goes away. I feel alive and powerful, and that scares the hell out of me. If violence is my true addiction, then will this job make me a better person or a monster?”
He lifted my chin with the crook of his finger. “You’re hardly killing nuns.”
I lowered my eyes to his bare chest.
“You’re not a monster,” he insisted. “I spent over a decade buried alive, but my humanity was long gone by then. All the innocents who died by my hand were what did me in. Had I not killed that last good part of my soul, I would have never survived those years underground. I would have gone mad. Every Mage and Vampire has to embrace their wickedness. You can’t be an immortal saint. No one’s completely pure.”
“What about Gem?”
“She was born Breed. She doesn’t know what it is to be human. Even Relics are hardwired differently. They make choices and sacrifices that humans would never understand. To be a Mage or a Vampire is to be a killer. It’s what we’re designed to do best. It’s why some of us shed our human names and leave our families behind. It’s a death ritual. But the final nail in the coffin is one you have to put in yourself. That will be the day you won’t need to drink or talk about it anymore.”
“The day I won’t have feelings.”
“Not the way you think. Niko has feelings, but I doubt he’ll be weeping at our funerals.” Christian cradled my neck in his strong hands. “When I’m in your presence, I sometimes remember what it’s like to feel human. When we have these conversations, when you look into my eyes like I’m not a killer. But then I see you retching on the floor and drinking all hours, and I’m glad that part of me is dead.” He stroked my cheek with his thumbs and reeled me in with his hypnotic gaze. “Don’t have another thought about last night. You were a victim of magic, and I’ll not dwell on anything you might have done. Nor should you. We’re better than that.”
I lowered my hands until they rested near his V-cut. “You shouldn’t be here. It jeopardizes the mission.”
He wrapped his arms around me. “It’s lonely without you around.”
“I’ve got hours before I have to go to work. Want to fool around?”
“After you put your head in a toilet bowl?”
My hands slid down to his pants. “Then let me take care of your needs.”
He captured my wrists and lowered my arms. “If there’s one thing I have, it’s patience. For you, I’ll wait an eternity.”
I fell into his arms and rested my cheek against his warm chest. “Thanks for looking after me.”
“It was either that or let you wander the streets mounting light poles.”
“I might have caused another blackout and electrocuted myself.”
He gently kissed my head. “I’d have passed out sparklers and vibrators at your funeral.”
Christian’s heart thumped in a steady rhythm. His embrace was safe, something I’d only ever experienced with my father. “Anything new happening at home?” I asked, curious if he’d tell me about Lenore’s visit.
He stroked my hair. “Nothing you need worry about.”
Christian was right. We were stronger than that, and this conversation didn’t need to devolve into a petty argument about another woman. I had something she wanted, and that was Christian’s loyalty. Maybe there were two sides to the story, and I was trying too hard to villainize a woman who might have done what she did to protect herself. Maybe you can only toy with a killer’s emotions for so long before they turn that rage on you. Christian was willing to do anything for me, and because of that, I’d kept secrets about Houdini. Not because I wanted to, but it was the only way I could protect Christian from self-destructing.
In any case, Lenore no longer had influence over him. She might have a sweet position with the higher authority, but money or power wasn’t enough to sway Christian. His second home was a shack in the woods, and he’d spent all his money to save my father, a man he didn’t particularly care for.
“Do you have any suspects?” he asked. “Shepherd has a few in mind.”
“None that jump out.” I backed up toward the door. “I do have one guy that approached me last night and gave me his business card.” I stared at it on the floor where it lay next to my bra. “I’m going to call him and see if it leads anywhere.”
“Keep your boots on so Wyatt can track you. And if you leave the club, use the front door so Blue will see you. I had to call her this morning to let her know you were here.”
“Do you think she’ll tell Viktor?”
“Aye. She’s loyal like that. But Viktor will understand why I had no choice but to get involved, and Claude was a witness. We haven’t compromised the mission. I was careful moving about the club. I put you in the cab alone and rode separately.” He propped his hand on the door and looked down at me.
I reached up and stroked his beard. “Can you do me a favor?”
“And what’s that, lass?”
“Order me Chinese food. I have an insatiable appetite.”
A crooked grin wound up his cheek. “So do I, Precious. So do I.”
Chapter 13
After ordering Raven orange chicken with fried rice and egg rolls, Christian surreptitiously left the hotel through a back door. Without sunglasses, driving his Ducati with the sun in his eyes was pure torture. Since he had ripped up his shirt, all he had was his trench coat, which flapped behind him in the wind.
As he sped down the long and winding rural road, he regretted leaving that man at the club alive. But a dead body would have shut the place down and drawn attention to Raven. Still, if Claude hadn’t called him, Raven would be having a different kind of morning. Christian would have never held her accountable for doing anything under the influence of magic. All that guilt she felt was her human side talking—the one she cleaved to. Despite her past experiences, there were many things she didn’t yet know about the Breed world. Most of them she would have to learn on her own, like how potent Sensor magic could be. Sometimes telling a person wasn’t enough.
Christian throttled the engine at an intersection, impatiently waiting for the light to turn green. Who had given her that drink? After this assignment was over, it would become his mission to find out. Thinking about the ways he’d kill that bastard had distracted him during the painfully long hours he’d spent watching Raven pleasure herself. Last night’s visual would stay with him forever, and just the thought of it was making him hard.
Once he entered Keystone’s gates, he slowed his bike near the house. Instead of veering toward the underground garage, he drove around the circular driveway and parked next to the Harley-Davidson. He didn’t have to guess who was here. After he shut off his bike, a tapping sound from inside was all he could make out.
Christian glided throu
gh the front door, flung his coat on a winged statue, and spotted Crush facing the stairwell, one foot on the bottom step and his arms folded. Oil stains covered his jeans and white T-shirt. Those weren’t clothes he wore around his house, so he must have come straight from work.
When Crush heard the door shut, he stopped tapping his foot and turned around. “Where’s Raven?”
“As always, delightful to see you, Mr. Graves. Can I get you a drink? Perhaps a fire hose to clean your soiled garments?”
“Cut the shit. I want to know where my daughter is.”
Christian heard the light footfalls of Gem in sneakers. He’d gotten to know the unique sound of everyone’s movements around the mansion. The types of shoes they wore, how quick or slow their gait, how light or heavy their tread.
Gem bounded down the stairs in a teal romper, her shoulder-length hair bouncing with every step. Her whimsical spirit made it impossible to dislike her. “He’s not up there. Oh, Christian’s here! Maybe he knows. Have you seen Viktor?”
“Did you try calling?” He looked at Crush. “It’s a big house. We can’t exactly go around yelling for each other.”
Gem slowed her pace until she reached the last step. “I’m sorry, Mr. Graves. We can’t talk about where Raven is unless Viktor’s here, and I can’t find him.”
Grumbling obscenities under his breath, Crush put his hands on his hips and turned away.
Switch appeared from behind the stairs, Hunter dawdling beside him with a picture book in his hand. The long-haired Shifter stopped at the staircase and rested his arm on the newel. “Hey, old man. What are you doing in this neck of the woods?”
“Looking for Raven. Have you seen her? Seems to be a mystery around here, and it’s pissing me off.”
“Not my job.” Switch pulled an elastic band from his jeans pocket and tied his hair at the nape. He gave Christian a cursory glance. “Working on your tan?”
Gem giggled and leaned against the railing. “I think he just likes showing off his big ole tattoo.”
“Maybe you should get one,” Switch suggested, smiling up at her.
“Alas, I’ve got enough pizzazz. A tattoo would only detract.”
Crush approached Christian and lowered his voice. “Where is she?”
“Is this an emergency?”
“She’s not answering her phone, and no one here is answering my questions.”
“Maybe if you tell us what you’re doing here…”
Crush’s blue eyes narrowed, and Christian flicked a glance downward to see if the man was holding an impalement stake. He wouldn’t put it past him. “Tell me where she is, Vamp.”
“Now, there’s no need to get hostile.”
“Raven!” he bellowed, turning on his heel. Crush moved swiftly past Gem, up the stairs.
Her eyes widened. “He can’t go up there. He can’t!”
“Worry not,” Christian assured her. “I’ll take care of the old gobshite.”
She gave him an admonishing look. “You shouldn’t talk that way about Raven’s dad.”
“Yeah,” Switch agreed, his voice a threatening growl. “You shouldn’t say that about—”
“Jaysus. One more word and I’ll drain you. Stay here and I’ll bring him down.”
Christian jogged up the stairs and followed the sound of Crush’s shouts on the second floor. Wyatt came out of his office, a green beanie on his head and a bag of pretzels in his hand. “What the immortal hell is going on around here?”
“Where’s Raven?” Crush sounded like a motorcycle getting fired up.
When Wyatt noticed him heading toward his office, he backed up, dropped the snacks, and blocked the door with his arms. “You can’t come in here. I mean it.”
Christian jogged toward them and grabbed the back of Crush’s shirt before he plowed right over Wyatt and got an eyeful of sensitive data that was surely on the computer.
Crush turned and threw a hard right, socking Christian in the eye.
Christian didn’t flinch. “That’ll hurt you more than it does me.”
“I’ve got personal stuff pulled up on the computer,” Wyatt said. “If you come in here, Christian will have to scrub you.”
Crush’s lips peeled back, and he reluctantly turned away.
“Walk with me,” Christian said, moving past Crush. He didn’t need to look back to know the old man was following.
After ascending a flight of stairs in the back of the mansion, he led Crush to Raven’s room and opened the door.
Crush wandered in and drank in his first glimpse of his daughter’s room: the red armoire by the door, the scenic painting over the quaint bed, the rustic fireplace to the left, and the arched windows tucked away in an alcove.
Christian leaned against the doorjamb. “This is where she sleeps, but she’s not here right now.”
Crush rounded the bed and stood before the desk. Christian couldn’t see what he was doing but guessed he was wondering about Raven’s peculiar keepsakes. After a minute, the sound of “Für Elise” played from the jewelry box. Crush lifted his arm as if wiping his face.
“She has a grand view,” Christian pointed out.
The music stopped.
“Does she climb on the roof?”
“Aye. How did you know?”
Crush turned around and sighed. “Because I know my little girl. She used to climb trees and sit on top of the trailer. I had to keep an eye on her when she got older because sometimes we’d go out and she’d wind up on a roof somewhere.” His gaze lingered on the fake roses on a nightstand. “It’s immaculate. Nothing like how she kept her room as a kid. You set her up real nice here.”
“It’s everything she desires, which isn’t much.”
“Does that include you?”
“Perhaps. You want to tell me what’s on your mind?”
Crush rubbed his weathered face and then looked at the knuckles on his right hand. “I had a nightmare about her. Can’t get it out of my head.”
“Dreams aren’t real.”
Not that Christian had any. He never slept.
Crush drifted toward the windows and looked out. “The week Bonnie died in the fire, I had a nightmare that she was falling into a black pit and screaming for Raven. Then years ago, before they told me Raven was dead, I had the same nightmare. Only Raven was calling out my name.”
“And last night?”
Crush faced the room. “I had another dream. Raven was falling down a dark hole, but she was calling your name. I’m not ignoring this shit anymore. It cost me the woman I loved, and if I’d listened the second time, maybe Raven wouldn’t have wound up in the hands of a sadistic Mage.”
Christian noticed Crush’s heart beating faster. His breathing also changed as the chemicals in his body reacted to fear. That was an emotion Christian had seen many times in his victims, and the fear in Crush’s eyes belied his stoic expression.
“Can we expect your company each time you have a nightmare? What we do is dangerous, and I suspect you’ll have nightmares thinking about it. But this is the life your daughter’s chosen. You can’t save her anymore.”
“Can you?”
Christian gestured to the door and invited Crush into the hall. They walked for a spell until they reached the staircase. “I can’t ease your fears, but I’ll always look after Raven. However, what I can do comes with limitations.”
“That’s where you and I part. A father’s love has no limitations. I’d give up everything if she needed me to. Can you say the same?”
“What if it meant her losing this job?”
“I don’t give two shits about this job. There’s always another job, and a job after that, but you only get one life.”
“Do you mind me asking a personal question?”
“What’s stopped you before?”
Christian reached the second-floor landing. “Do you ever get the urge to drink booze? Or is the craving gone?”
He clutched the stone railing. “It gets easier with time. But
days like this make it hard. Why? Is this about Raven?”
Christian put his hands in his pockets and stared at his feet. “I’m sure you know all about Fletcher. She’s not ready to face him.”
“How’s she gonna face him when he’s on the loose?”
“That’s not what I mean. Facing what he did and how that changed her. Even if she found him and killed him, that wouldn’t put an end to it.”
“Really? Because it seems like putting a man six feet under is pretty final to me.”
“She’s not ready for that. Raven would brood and let those memories control her. ’Tis worse to be haunted by a ghost than a living monster. What’ll it take? What made it easy for you to quit drinking that one time and not all the times before?”
Crush stroked his goatee. “Almost dying and losing my daughter. I was drunk one night and swerving all over the damn place. I drove the wrong way on a one-way road and almost hit another car. I served some time, but the judge went easy on me. Sometimes you need a good kick in the ass by the Grim Reaper to figure out what you stand to lose. I couldn’t bring myself to make my baby an orphan. Losing her mother was some traumatic shit, and if she lost me, who would have been there to hold her at night when she woke up crying? Nobody, that’s who. Raven was my world. Still is. Sometimes you can’t talk a man off the ledge. You just gotta let him lean into the wind. I don’t know how to help whatever she’s going through now, but killing that bastard would be a good start. You out there searching for him? Because maybe she’s tired of looking over her shoulder.”
Christian marched down the stairs. “She won’t have to look over her shoulder as long as I’m around. You have my word on that.”
With every step, Crush’s pocket jingled. He was a noisy fella. Sometimes his knee would pop. It seemed absurd to believe this man was ever in a war. Weren’t Marines supposed to be stealthy and sneak up on their enemy? Crush sounded like a walking vending machine.
When they reached the first floor, Crush wiped his forehead and blew out a breath. “I can’t just go home and sit there. Can’t you tell her to call me? At least send a message?”
