I could see it in his eyes.
The spell of Micah’s rendition of “At Last” swept over the wedding guests. The camera panned up to the members of Will’s wedding party. Erica, stunningly beautiful as the only bridesmaid, her chin tilted in her typical air of haughtiness. Nick, rigid, blatantly uncomfortable with the entire ordeal. Seth, the handsome best man, clearly at ease with being in nearly every shot. And then to Harrison’s groomsmen. Starting with Connor, who seemed as uncomfortable as Nick and twice as nervous. Me, still the only one who could really pull off the gold tie but—and maybe it was just my imagination—the guilt from the kiss I’d just shared with Harrison in the bathroom clearly written all over my face. Then Jasper, staring adoringly at his older brother.
As the last notes faded from Micah’s violin, the wedding officiant began to speak, and the camera zoomed in on Will. I’d been so caught up in my own inner turmoil—wondering if my months of suppressed attraction to Harrison had prompted the kiss, replaying the moments in the bathroom, trying to determine whether I had been the one to initiate or if it had been Harrison—that the entire ceremony had been a blur. Watching the clip from the wedding, I was finally seeing it all for the first time.
There it was again. The evidence all over Will’s face. I’d anticipated watching the wedding and having more and more reason to hate the fucker. But I couldn’t. Sure, there were plenty of times where it was obvious Will was enjoying being in the limelight, but even in those moments, there was more. But especially right there. As he and Harrison readied to exchange vows.
Harrison had been right. Whatever Will had said in the interview was how he felt. He was wounded, hurt, devastated. I had no doubt at all. Despite that god-awful gold tie, Will shone beautifully as he looked at Harrison. There was genuine love written all over his face. Maybe he’d enjoyed being a reality TV star more than Harrison, but the relationship hadn’t been for show. Not to him.
And as tears streamed down my face, I felt a kinship for Will Epstein I never thought I’d have. Especially when I considered what he saw a week later. The thought of having the man you love flee from you only to see him caught having sex with someone else in such a public way… I couldn’t possibly imagine….
Then the camera turned to Harrison, focusing the longest amount of time on him, enough to pan down his body, showing off the expensive suit, how it lay on his perfect form. He was the star of the show, after all. And then it was back on his beautiful face. And I wondered how the cameramen hadn’t seen it coming. Maybe they had. Goodness only knows, they’d captured every second of his run down the aisle. It was so clear. Especially compared to the expression they’d just shown on Will’s face. As handsome as he was, Harrison looked terrified, miserable, trapped. Though he wasn’t screaming, it was the same expression he had on his face as he’d tried to throw himself out of the car.
I could see it in his eyes. The very same thing. Identical.
He leaned into Will, whispered something. Then he was running. Falling. Running again.
I scrolled back to Harrison’s face, right before he leaned into Will, and paused.
I could see it in his eyes. The same look he’d given me as he demanded the keys. Right before he’d run and then driven away, leaving me standing, alone.
How had I missed it?
That exact same look. Terrified, miserable, trapped.
I continued to stare into Harrison’s eyes on the computer’s screen, having to wipe my own tears away to keep him from blurring.
In the weeks leading up to the wedding, I’d noticed the changes in Harrison, so had Jasper. Given the whole picture, that escape down the aisle made sense. Any other outcome would’ve been ludicrous, considering what should have been clear the entire time.
Had I missed it? In our weeks together, had Harrison grown increasingly terrified and miserable and trapped?
He must have. But I couldn’t see it. Hadn’t felt that as we worked on the farm, didn’t sense it as we made love. As we laughed with Celestia, and had gotten lost among the stars.
I couldn’t find it. But it had to be there. I just couldn’t find it.
Andre held my cell out to me, and I took it. “He says he loves you. That he’s sorry. Maybe he just needs time.”
I stared at the screen, not answering Andre, retracing the letters of Harrison’s text. As if I didn’t have it memorized.
“That’s all you’ve heard from him?”
I nodded and forced myself to make with the words. “Yeah. That was after me leaving a pathetic number of voicemails and text messages.”
Though he tried to hide it, I caught Andre’s wince. “Maybe he just needs time.”
I didn’t even attempt to hold back my disgusted snort. “Right. Like he needed more time with Will? It’s been two days, so what does that leave us? Five until the next sex video? Do you think the time between will get shorter each time?”
Andre cocked his head at me, started to speak, hesitated, then apparently decided to go for it. “You don’t actually think that, do you?”
With a sigh, I shook my head and sank back into the cushions of Andre’s couch. “No. I don’t. I can’t figure out what was going on, but Harrison wasn’t acting. It wasn’t for show. I’d stake my life on it. What we had was real, but so is whatever it was that made him run.” My next snort was a little less disgusted, more hopeless. “From me, and Will.”
“Sorry, brother.” Andre squeezed my knee and looked nearly as crushed as I felt. “I hate that you’re hurting.”
I started to nod and then cut it off, remembering who I was talking to. I grabbed his hand before he could pull it away from my leg. “Fuck. I’m the one who’s sorry. Here I am all weepy and emotional. And I’m bitching to you. Like this is the world’s greatest tragedy. It’s nothing compared to what you and Katniss have been through.” How had I not even realized? My unawareness seemed to be a plague. “And on top of it all, you fly back early from the one break you’ve had in months and months? Just because I’m a crybaby?”
“Knock it off.” His lower lip trembled, but with a twitch of his jaw, it stopped. “This doesn’t have to be compared to Meghan. And we are not in competition of whose level of pain is greater or more deserved. And as far as New York….” He rolled his eyes. “Well, like you wouldn’t be there for me if I was hurting, like you haven’t been this entire time. New York will still be around when the time is right. That’s the least of my worries.”
We sat in silence for a while, the quiet whisper of Katniss’s voice as she played in her room wafting down the hallway.
After some more tears, and a solitary beer, I got up to leave.
“You can stay the night. You don’t have to be alone.” Andre grinned. “I am the twin who followed the founding family expectations, remember? It’s not as if the house doesn’t have enough space.”
It was a tempting offer, but I shook my head. “Thanks, but no.”
“If the nights get too hard, you’ll call?”
“Of course.”
“Oh, before I forget. Speaking of founding families….” Andre paused with his hand on the door before opening it for me. “Mom wanted me to tell you that she’s having dinner tomorrow night, for the family. All of us.”
“So, I’ve officially been summoned?”
He chuckled. “Officially.”
“I bet she is loving this. At least the Rivera portion of the scandal will die down now.”
Andre grabbed my arm and gave it the tiniest of shakes. “Knock it off. You know that’s the last thing she’s thinking. Through it all, she wants us happy. She might want us to be better than the rest of the world, but she wants us happy.”
“Yeah. I know. Sorry.” I forced a smile. “I’ll text her, let her know I’ll be there. I can’t promise I’ll be in much of a better mood than I am right now.”
“Like that matters.” He started to open the door, then paused again. “You sure you’ll be okay tonight? What are you going to do?”
I couldn’t suppress a little laugh. “Paying me back? How many times have I asked you those very questions when you didn’t want to stay the night at my house?”
He shrugged. “Just making sure.”
I mimicked his motion. “I don’t know what I’ll do. But I promise I’ll be okay. If not, I’ll call.”
I hadn’t been sure what I was going to do. I figured I’d go home and pore over the journals as I had since Harrison had left, rewatch the wedding clip and try to nail down the moment I should’ve realized something was wrong.
That was what hurt the most. At least once I shoved past the initial sting and the suffocating emptiness, knowing I’d lost Harrison so soon after starting to envision the rest of our lives side by side. That somewhere in there, the man I loved had been terrified, miserable, and trapped. And I’d missed it. I hadn’t helped, maybe I’d even made it worse. I’d let him down somehow, and in so doing had screwed up all of the hopes and dreams we’d had for our life. Or maybe those had just been my hopes and dreams and I hadn’t realized it.
I couldn’t watch the wedding again. And the thought of rereading Alex’s journals and letters made me want to run.
I was halfway to the farm before I realized exactly why I was heading in that direction. And though I was unable to label the purpose of it, as I finally reached the glasshouse, I felt the first semblance of peace since Harrison had driven away. And the horrible clanging cacophony in my heart and head seemed to soften as I started to clear away the rubble scattered across the brick floor.
Twenty-Three
Harrison
Ten minutes. My frenzied flight from Adrian lasted an entire ten minutes. I’d driven in such a blind panic that I’d somehow ended up off the main road and found myself winding back through the forest of Point Reyes National Seashore just a little south of Lavender Shores.
It didn’t matter. I had no idea where I was going anyway. So I drove. Heart pounding, fighting for breath, tears streaming, and yet I drove.
Several minutes later, the forested road gave way to cliffs curving over rocky beaches and a cold, cold sea.
Unable to stop my tears, one thought broke through my panicked haze. Not so much a thought as the bold letters of a headline. The one alongside my picture that would trend the following morning after I drove my car off the edge of a cliff. An insane cackle of a laugh burst from me. That would really put the topper on all of Angela’s hard, hard work. Right down the drain, or right down the palisades, whatever the case.
It was enough to snap the panic. Enough to cause me to pull the car over to the side of the road before I drove right off it.
But with the car no longer in motion, the suffocating claustrophobia crashed back in. I tore out of my car and ran. And once more, I proved that distance wasn’t my strength. My knee lasted all of six or seven yards before I had to listen to it.
I was helpless in every way. Couldn’t so much as run from my problems.
Couldn’t even say what my problems were.
Gingerly, I took the few steps that remained to the edge of the cliff and sat, letting my legs dangle over the side. There was no beach below. Just large rocks jutting from the ocean, the crash and spray of the water reaching nearly halfway up the rocky edge. Beyond that, the ocean was smooth and peaceful all the way to the horizon. Almost like it was mocking me.
What had I done?
Better yet, what had I done, again?
I’d run from the man I loved. Like he was trying to murder me. I’d run from him. Twice!
No. Even with the tumult of my emotions, that thought rang untrue. When I’d run from Will the love had been gone for a while. That wasn’t so with Adrian.
Then another realization hit me. I’d told Adrian I loved him. As I’d run away, I’d told him I loved him. For the first time. My God. How fucked-up was I?
I needed to go back. Get in the car, drive right back to Adrian. He probably hadn’t left the farm yet. I could fix this. It wasn’t too late.
I barely started to push myself up from my spot on the cliff before I knew I couldn’t. If I got back in that car, I knew I wouldn’t turn around to Lavender Shores. Wouldn’t go back to Adrian.
I knew I loved him. Loved him like I had never thought I could love anyone. More than I could understand. But that wasn’t the problem.
I didn’t know the problem.
I stared out to sea looking for something. Shouldn’t there be something in the vastness? In the sun that was starting its descent? In that line of sky and sea? Didn’t people find God in that moment? Discover answers in nature? Weren’t mysteries revealed?
There was nothing. Nothing but the same old sun, the same old sky, the same old water. Just a bunch of elements all shoved together. Nothing magic. Just nature. Maybe if there’d been fog or some lightning-filled storm over the ocean. Maybe then, magic? But it wasn’t to be. It was beautiful, but that was it. Just beautiful.
Another cold laugh broke the solitude. It took half of a heartbeat for me to realize it was me again.
Just beautiful.
That was Harrison Getty, wasn’t it?
I was beautiful. I knew that. More than beautiful. So the fuck what? I was beautiful, but that was it.
I’d been a decent football player. But that was over.
Outside of my face and body, I’d been a pretty lackluster reality star as well. That was over too.
I’d been a good boyfriend. I had that, right? Supportive, loving, catering to needs and wants? The perfect boyfriend. As long as you overlooked the running away part at the end. So, maybe not such a good boyfriend?
Had I been good at anything? Anything that mattered?
The answer to that didn’t require fog, lightning, or magic. There was the one thing I knew I’d done right.
Careful to not take an accidental swan dive, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it on, waited as it loaded, then ignored the countless messages that sprang up from Angela and hit Jasper’s name.
“Hey! How was San Francisco last night?” Though things had been strained between us, Jasper was bright and happy.
And I lost it. Before I could even say hi. I lost it.
By the time the sun hinted at touching the sea, the fog started to arrive, but it was too late. Though Jasper had tried to talk me into letting him come to me, I wouldn’t tell him where I was. Nor would I go to him.
But he listened. Though I doubted he’d been able to understand half of what I said due to my sobs, he listened as I told him what I’d done. At some point, as I professed my love for Adrian and how the thought of not being with him cut to my soul, I realized Jasper was crying as well.
We didn’t have answers. Neither of us. And for a long time we sat, neither of us attempting words.
When the sun finally sank below the sea, the fog was thick and tinted with fire. It looked magic. If it was, it was still out of reach.
“Just come home, Harrison. We’ll figure it out together.” Jasper’s voice was soft, and he sounded like our mother. “Or I’ll come to you. We can go wherever you want. For however long you want.”
That was tempting. “No. I love you for it, but no. I can’t tell you why, but I have to be by myself.”
He hesitated, and there was a quaver in his words. “You can’t disappear. I can handle anything at this point, but not that. You cannot disappear.”
“I won’t. Never from you. I don’t know anything at all, Jasper. Absolutely nothing. But I know that I will not run from you. That’s not what this is.”
“Okay. Good.”
“Do you think Dad was right? Do you think Mom would be ashamed if she saw me… if she knew that I was…?” The words were out of my mouth before I even formed the question in my mind, and I could make myself finish.
“Of course not.” Jasper was suddenly firm, and his voice held no hint of doubt. “We both know that she knew we were gay. Both of us. The only one she’d be ashamed of is Dad.”
“Have you talked to him?” H
adn’t meant to ask that question, either.
“God, no.” Disgust filled his voice. “Never.”
There was silence again.
When Jasper spoke, once more he sounded hesitant but determined. “Harrison, if that’s what you need, if you need to see Dad, I’ll go with you.”
“No. I don’t need to see Dad.” It seemed I knew an endless list of things that I didn’t need. But not a single thing that I did. “I don’t know what I need.”
More silence.
“Remember, after Neal, I went to counseling for several months?”
Didn’t need to be psychic to know where Jasper was heading. “Please don’t tell me you think I need therapy.”
He hesitated. “It really helped.”
“I wasn’t dating a crazy person like you were.” I groaned as my words fell back over me. “Oh God, I was the crazy person Will and Adrian were dating, wasn’t I?”
“I wouldn’t put it like that. You’re not crazy. You’re just trying to figure stuff out.” Jasper sniffed. “And you’re trying to work through crap that’s left over from life with Dad.”
If only that was all it was.
More silence fell, on the sound of the sea at my feet and birds calling overhead.
“Harrison?” His voice was so soft it was barely audible over the crash of the waves.
“Yeah, Jasper?”
“Thank you.”
I thought I’d heard wrong. And then there was that horrible laugh again. “You’re thanking me, huh? For the wonderful things I’m doing to the Getty name in front of all of America? The world? For being such a brave big brother that I can’t even fall in love without running away?”
He sniffed. “No. Not for that. But for….” He sniffed again, cleared his throat, and I could practically see him sitting in his alcove, surrounded by his books, in front of the window, forcing himself to sit up straighter and barge through whatever he was preparing to say. “You were right. I think some part of me knew it but had never quite realized just how much you did to protect me from Dad. Or at least to make me invisible to him.” He cleared his throat again. “Those years after you went to college, before I did, I never told you just how lonely they were. Just the two of us in that house. It surely was like I was invisible, like I didn’t exist.”
The Glasshouse (Lavender Shores Book 6) Page 23
