At nineteen, she had laughed into enslavement the tall, serious young doctor, come to her home town of New Orleans to do a year’s specialization in its famous hospital. Within the year, he had married her and swept her off to England, to the dismay of her warm, affectionate and extended Southern family.
The double-cream drawl had become a little less pronounced over the years, but nothing changed her sunny nature. Coming home from hospital, tired and frequently depressed, Giles’s heart still lifted twenty years later to the lilt of that voice calling, ‘That you, sugar?’ and the clip of small feet in perilously high heels scurrying across the parquet floors.
A son to follow in his footsteps was the only other thing he had ever wanted, and, for twelve years, all they seemed likely to have. As an only child (the son of elderly parents, now dead) it seemed to him a natural family.
The late addition of a daughter was, if he were honest with himself, unwelcome as well as unexpected. With Gervase away at school, he had Melody’s undivided attention once more, and he resented sharing it now with a girl child who appeared to regard him as little more than an alarming stranger.
But Melody doted on her daughter. She called her Missy, in Southern style; Giles used her given name, finding the pet name awkward on his tongue.
Missy was not, like Gervase, a fearless and outgoing child. In temperament, though he failed to recognize it, she was not unlike Giles himself, and worshipped her lovely, laughing mother with round adoring eyes; in company she held her skirt as if presciently afraid that she might lose something so infinitely precious.
So the world ended for Missy, in the spring just before her ninth birthday when, aged forty-four, her mother died after a mercifully brief but painful illness, from the type of cancer which was Giles’s own speciality.
It was a bitter irony; one of the foremost experts in that field of research, he could do nothing to save this one vital life, and it tormented him.
His work became a blind obsession. Gervase was part of it; for Melody’s sake, he must join Giles in research for a cure which might, all too easily, be the work of more than one generation.
His daughter, however, was irrelevant to him, almost like a pet for whom his wife had conceived an unwarrantable affection, and he made provision for her in that spirit. He dealt with her physical welfare by appointing the first housekeeper he could find, and saw to it that she was taken daily to her little private school, but did not think to warn them of her loss. It never occurred to him that she, in his eyes a baby still, could experience grief as great as his own, and infinitely more destructive.
His mourning was self-centred, all-absorbing, and there was no space in his heart for her suffering. Indeed, he found it hard to curb his irritation when, in the rare times that he was at home in her waking hours, she followed him about like a shadow, even pressing herself to him with the ill-judged insistence of a fawning cur.
Gervase, too, missed his mother, but he was embarking on the excitements of a flat in London and a new career. Arriving home a week before Christmas, he took one look round the house, desultorily run by Mrs Beally and haunted by wisps of laughter no longer heard, and announced that he was going skiing in Kitzbuhel with a party of friends.
So Giles was left facing Christmas alone with his daughter. He had refused the pressing invitation of the American relatives, believing that there he would feel worse, not realizing then that there could be no worse. Perhaps he should have sent the child on her own; perhaps he might think about it later, if she was too demanding.
But the question did not really occupy his thoughts. His mind had drifted again, mouthing the dead-sea apples of memory, when the door opened and his daughter insinuated herself into the room. She was pale and too thin, with an aura of insubstantiality about her, and she paused on the threshold, sniffing the air, as it were, like an animal poised for flight.
Lost in his own thoughts, Giles did not hear her approach, and jumped as she slid her hand into his.
‘Don’t do that!’ he said sharply, dropping her hand and taking a step back. Then, controlling himself with an obvious effort, he said more gently, ‘I’m sorry, but you startled me. Shouldn’t you be in bed? What time is it?’
‘It’s only nine o’clock. I’m going up soon.’ She shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.
Trying not to sound impatient, he said, ‘Did you want something?’
Her eyes swept up to study his face. ‘Er – no, not really. I just – I just wondered what was happening tomorrow?’
For a fleeting second he had the impression that this was not what she had originally intended to say, but it was swept away in a flood-tide of dismay as he looked down at her beseeching expression.
‘I – I’m not sure. I must make a phone-call,’ he said, turning abruptly and almost running downstairs to his study.
***
Left alone in the big room, the child stood silent for a moment, then, half-turning as if in conversation, she said, ‘What do you think? Do you think he’s got it yet, Missy?’
She knew, really, that she was sort of talking to herself, but after – well, afterwards, it had been a comfort to have an imaginary friend. Missy, she called her, because when she had been Missy everything had been all right, and she had been happy and strong and clever and loving and loved.
Missy said, ‘Why don’t we wait until he comes out of the study and go down and see? If he hasn’t opened it we could take it away and silly old fat Miss Jenkins would never know.’
‘That’s bad. We shouldn’t do bad things like that.’
‘It’s not bad, it’s sensible. Otherwise he’ll be cross, and you know you hate it when he’s cross.’
The child shuddered. ‘I know. But it’s because of what you told me to do that I got in a mess anyway.’
Miss Jenkins had been angry, very angry. Miss Jenkins was short and plump with round gold spectacles, and she was usually a cosy, rather jolly headmistress. But as Miss Jenkins talked fiercely of bullying and cruelty it seemed as if she changed into some kind of monster before the eyes of the frightened child.
‘I simply cannot imagine what has possessed you, and I shall be writing home to say that this sort of evil behaviour – I can only call it that – must stop. You’ve made several children very unhappy, and poor little Sophie was distraught after that note you put in her desk. She’s been deeply upset by her parents’ divorce, and we must all be very kind to her.’
The girl felt a shaft of self-pity. Sophie would see her father every week; it wasn’t as if he’d gone away for ever, like her own mother, but no one was told to be specially nice to her. It did not occur to her that no one knew.
‘Yes, Miss Jenkins,’ she said dutifully.
‘There can really be no excuse for this. We’ve all been upset by it – very upset – because we are a happy community, with no place for wicked, spiteful little girls who enjoy making people miserable. Do you understand?’
‘Yes, Miss Jenkins.’
‘So will you promise that this will never happen again? Because if it did, we would ask you to leave the school.’
‘Yes, Miss Jenkins,’ she said a third time, dully. Miss Jenkins didn’t want her either; was there anyone, anyone at all, who did?
Behind her spectacles her headmistress’s eyes were softer now, though puzzled. ‘I hope you mean that. I’m very disappointed in you, you know. You used to be such a nice child. Well, we’ll leave it at that, and hope that this has just been a temporary fit of naughtiness, shall we?
‘Off you go, now. Have a happy Christmas and come back your old self, will you?’
It had all been Missy’s idea, of course. She herself would never have thought of writing the notes. When she saw that Lucy’s new coat came from a thrift shop and she hadn’t money for tuck, she knew she should be sorry for her, and for Sophie Chambers who looked miserable all the time, now that her daddy had gone away with someone else. But misery loves company, and something inside her was glad other peopl
e were sad as well, even if she was afraid she was sadder than any of them.
‘Make them cry,’ Missy advised. ‘If they’re crying, they’re sadder than you are. You’re not crying.’
She had tried crying, until she had no tears left, and it didn’t change anything. So she didn’t cry now, but once Missy had told her what to put in the letters – nasty, poisonous things that nice people didn’t say – the other girls cried and in some horrible way it made her feel better.
But then Miss Jenkins had found her out. She didn’t know how – perhaps she was a witch – and things were even worse. She’d never had a best friend – when Mommy was alive she didn’t need one – but now everyone hated her.
Missy refused to take the blame. ‘It was only because you were so dumb you got caught. Do it better next time, Dumbo.’
After that, she was so cross she didn’t speak to Missy for days. And now she had, Missy was just trying to get her into trouble again.
‘Go away,’ she said. ‘I’m not going to talk to you any more.’
Her father had not returned. Slowly she climbed the stairs to the pretty attic bedroom which Mommy had filled with every treasure a little girl’s heart could desire.
She crossed the room to her white and gold chest of drawers and opened the bottom one. Tucked away at the back was a Christmas stocking, with her name knitted into the welt at the top. She took it out, unfolded it and stroked it as lovingly as if it had been a living thing.
There was no point in hanging it up. She could not bear to find only a horrid skinny emptiness in the morning, instead of the mysterious wool-clad bulges that had always greeted her.
She sighed, a sigh from the bottom of her heart which ended in a dry sob, then she folded it neatly and put it away.
***
Mrs Beally, savagely stuffing the turkey in the kitchen, was muttering resentfully. She had been hurrying to get everything prepared, so there would be nothing for her employer to do but lift the turkey out of the oven and carve it, and she could get away first thing to her Karen’s to have a proper Christmas Day with the family. She even had stashed in her bag a bottle of bubbly which no one would miss from the cellar, so they could get a good start to the festivities.
And now, here was His Nibbs telling her she couldn’t go. She had protested, of course. What, miss the pleasure of seeing Karen’s face when she opened the box and found the beautiful leather jacket she wanted and couldn’t afford! Not that Mrs Beally could really afford it either, but that snotty little bitch upstairs wouldn’t know how much had been spent on Christmas cheer, and he certainly wouldn’t ask to see the receipts.
But ‘People do not choose their times to be ill, and this is a surgeon’s house, Mrs Beally,’ he had said coldly. ‘When you accepted employment in it, you were told that the hours would be awkward and there would be sudden demands upon your time, and you have been paid accordingly. If you refuse to carry out your duties tomorrow, then you can find alternative employment. I shall not expect you back. Is that clear?’
For all she would have liked to fling his lousy job in his face, caution held her back. She had a good place here; wages well above what anyone else was offering, no one to criticize her cleaning, and good pickings, with no questions asked about a fiver here or a tenner there. He had her over a barrel, the bastard, and she had had to submit.
But she wasn’t beaten yet, not she, and though she phoned to order the morning taxi for His Nibbs, she did not cancel her own, booked for a little later.
She was quite confident the child could be made to keep quiet. She barely talked to her father, anyway, and she was too scared of the rough side of Mrs Beally’s tongue to try playing up.
So there was nothing to stop her going, once he was safely out of the way. And after all, it was downright unchristian to keep you apart from your family on Christmas Day, wasn’t it? It was in a spirit of righteous self-justification that she thrust the turkey into the oven.
When her employer’s taxi had gone in the morning, she woke her charge, telling her to get downstairs quickly now, and adding, without conscious irony, ‘Merry Christmas!’
She had put on her outdoor coat and gathered together her pile of Christmas parcels by the time the girl had dressed and come downstairs. Mrs Beally did not meet her eyes.
‘Now, your dad’s had to go to the hospital, and the taxi’s coming for me any minute. There’s your breakfast – look, I’ve made you bacon and eggs for a treat – so you eat that, and then when it’s dinner time just get your dinner out of the oven. It’s all plated up for you, and all you have to do is turn off the oven after, like a good girl.’
‘But you can’t leave me here, all by myself!’ Sheer terror lent her courage. ‘My father wouldn’t let you!’
At these signs of rebellion, the woman’s lips tightened.
‘Oh, can’t I, my fine lady! We’ll soon see about that. Your father doesn’t care tuppence, or he wouldn’t have gone away today, would he? And if you complain, he’ll be ever so angry. And I’ll be angry too, so just you remember that.’
She shrank back, as if she had been physically struck, and Mrs Beally was quick to follow up her advantage.
‘That’s right. You’re a big girl now, not a baby. The day’ll pass, quick as a wink – you just watch the telly, or read a nice book – you’ve plenty of nice books. You’ll have had a big meal, you won’t be needing supper, so just get yourself to bed if I’m not back. You’ve done that often enough, and I’ll see you in the morning. And not a word to go worrying your poor pa now, mind.’
The taxi hooted outside, and in a flurry of parcels she bundled herself in and was off into the falling snow.
***
The house was very, very quiet now Mrs Beally had gone. Her head felt funny, strange and light, as if it might float away off her shoulders, and her hands felt clammy. There was no sound of wind or birdsong outside in the snowy hush, and inside only the ticking of the kitchen clock which grew insidiously louder and louder, until with a little shriek she clapped her hands over her ears and fled the room.
Across the hall, the door to her father’s study stood ajar. She paused, hesitated, then went in.
In a tray on his desk there lay a pile of envelopes, unopened, and feeling very wicked she tiptoed across and leafed through them. Most of them looked like Christmas cards, but one had a crest on it that she recognized from her blazer.
She took a long, shaky breath. She didn’t want to listen to Missy, but she couldn’t bear Daddy being angry. She stared at the horrible missive, then, without opening it, crumpled it up and stuffed it deep in among the papers in the waste-bin. Then she shot out, as if all the demons in hell were after her.
As she ran upstairs, she made a little bargain with – something, she didn’t know what. If people were nice to her again, and no more horrible things happened, she would put Missy away, and never ever ever speak to her again. She felt a little better after that.
But outside the long staircase window, snow was falling, and the wind was getting up now, blowing round the house with strange sighs and moanings. She shivered. How dark it was! The far side of the landing was in shadow, the doorways black.
Perhaps she should go to bed, pull the covers over her head and try to sleep the time away like some suffering animal. But it was Christmas Day, and she was still child enough to remember that the Christmas tree was in the drawing room. She scuttled in, closing the door carefully behind her.
The tinsel on the tree sparkled in the livid light and the cheap baubles gleamed. She switched on the lights, then stepped back to look.
But the little gaudy bulbs somehow took any magic out of it. The family Christmas tree had always dipped and danced in the flickering, perilous light of candles; this tree was plastic, unreal, nothing to do with Christmas.
She sighed, and her eyes fell on the presents beneath the tree. There were only two; the pen she had chosen and wrapped so lovingly for her father, which was still there, and just one fo
r her. There had been parcels from her American aunts and uncles, but Mrs Beally had indifferently allowed her to open them as they arrived – indeed, had abstracted some gifts that she ‘wouldn’t be needing’ to give to Karen’s family. There was nothing yet from Gervase. He had said she would prefer something from Austria, though she wasn’t sure.
She picked up the single parcel, weighing it in her hand. It was not very heavy, and it rattled softly when she shook it.
The label didn’t say happy Christmas, but it did say ‘with love’ in her father’s writing. She thought Mrs Beally had probably bought it, but he had written the label. He had remembered her. Her heart lifting a little, she opened it.
It was a nurse’s outfit. Red cape, apron and cap, a mock watch to pin on. A tray, with syringe and tweezers. A grey ligature with tube and rubber bulb, to take blood-pressure. Bandages, thermometer. All neatly packed together.
Her eyes dilated, but she did not see the details of the small plastic replicas. Like Mrs Beally, she did not notice that it said, ‘Recommended age 4-6’ on the box. She recoiled from the loathsome thing, then in utter revulsion threw it from her, fled to the bathroom and was violently sick.
To be fair, Mrs Beally had meant no harm. The nurse’s outfit was cheap, with lots of items – a good bargain, in her book – and the girl was a doctor’s daughter. It didn’t occur to her that it might be inappropriate for a child who had last seen her mother surrounded by objects of this kind.
When she came out of the bathroom, she was weak and trembling, but her movements were decisive. She marched in, picked up the hated gift, placed it neatly in the fireplace, and fetched matches and firelighters from the log box.
The flames took a moment to catch hold, then flickered up, brighter and stronger. The colourings in the box tinged them with chemical blue and yellow; the plastic shrivelled and smelled, forming melted blobs in strange, contorted shapes. Fascinated, she put on more firelighters, watching them flare up too, consuming what was left.
She looked at the horrid little tree, and started pulling things off. The tinsel burned merrily and the paint on the baubles sent up sparks of green and gold. She smashed them with the poker, and soon the tree was exposed and ridiculous with its fake lights, rigid branches and unconvincing pine needles. She would have liked to burn the whole horrible thing, but it was too big to fit in the fireplace.
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