“I’m sorry, Amelia, I really am.”
Amelia squeezed her eyes shut and pursed her lips tight. You cannot go to pieces now. There are children out there who need you. Oh, Lord, how can I be joyful when my heart is broken in two...again?
“You’re one of the strongest people I know, Amelia. If anyone could have pulled Finn through this, it would have been you. He’s just...”
Carson’s words trailed off. How could any words do justice to the sadness overtaking Finn? Who could judge anyone for buckling under the massive weight of what had happened to that man?
She could. She could because his descent into the pain had ripped her heart out and taken it down with him.
“Are you going to be all right?” Carson asked softly. She opened her eyes to see regret fill his features. “I’m sure Ruby and I can cover for you if you need to leave.” He gestured at the mountain of gifts behind him. “You’ve done more than your share already.”
Amelia forced her shoulders back and scraped in a breath. “I’m not leaving. This is the League Christmas party and this is what I do. Besides,” she said, taking another deep breath even though it felt as if no air reached her lungs, “I don’t think there’s anyone else who can keep Byron’s Santa from becoming a disaster.”
“Byron? Byron is playing Santa this year?”
In another year, she might have found Carson’s shock amusing. She nodded to the second suit. “Well, I had hoped to convince someone else to fill in, but...” She shook her head and flexed her fingers, determined to pull herself out of this.
“Amelia...do you need me to...?”
She held up her hand. “No. Don’t. You’ve got a little nephew now. You can’t possibly be Santa when he’d recognize you.” She dabbed at her eyes. “Just tell me something happy. Tell me you are showering Ruby and Brandon with gifts. Tell me something happy. Anything.”
Carson reluctantly complied. “We’ll be announcing the wedding date on New Year’s.”
“Good. Wonderful. I’m happy for you, I really am. Now get back out there to your fiancée and your nephew. If you see Byron, tell him he’ll need to be ready soon. I just... I just need a minute and then I’ll be back out there to check on the food.”
“Okay. I...” He left off, instead putting his hand on the door handle. “Well, okay.”
Amelia was happy for Carson, she truly was. It was just that she ached in the spot under her ribs where her own happiness should have been. Where Finn still was, no matter how she tried to talk herself out of it. I loved him. Oh, sweet Father, I love him still. What on earth am I supposed to do with that? Gramps’s words echoed in her head: We don’t always get to choose when and how folks become precious to us.
* * *
It was as if Finn couldn’t breathe in Austin. The lifeless quality of his apartment choked him from the moment he opened the door. Even though he remembered almost everything now, the familiar furnishings brought no comfort.
He’d held out past 3:00 p.m., forcing himself to miss Carson’s offer of a ride back to Little Horn. You can’t go back there, he repeated over and over to himself as he bumbled around the dark apartment. As the sun went down and he hadn’t even bothered to switch on a light. What was the point of light in this place? To him it could be dark even in the sunshine.
I can’t do this. Finn groaned to God from where he’d slumped on the worn couch. I can’t go on living like this. It’s not living. It’s barely even existing. Why did You show me what it’s like to live without this and then dump it all back onto me? It’s so much worse now.
Then go. The two words came to him out of the silence, like something snapping into place. He’d needed the pain to mean something, needed what had happened in Little Horn to make sense rather than feel like another cruel punishment. And the only thing that made sense, the only thing that held true if God was who Luther and so many people said He was, was Amelia. He’d been lost to be found. He’d lost his memory to break the chains of his past.
He didn’t have to stop being who he was for Amelia. He did, however, need the courage to be who he could be. Finn didn’t have that courage on his own—Amelia gave it to him. Amelia, who had more courage than anyone he’d ever known.
Then go. Finn fished through his kitchen drawer to find the keys to his car. He’d rented a Jeep for the month of December and had been driving it that night he was going to the cabin—and he’d have to find out where that car was—but that detail wasn’t important right now. What was important was he had a car. A car that could get him to Little Horn.
And right now, Little Horn was the only place on earth he wanted to be.
Chapter Twenty-One
The Christmas carol sing, usually one of Amelia’s favorite parts of the annual League Christmas party, turned out to be heartbreaking. Every carol seemed connected to some moment or memory with Finn. She’d turned off the carol clock in the kitchen this afternoon, unable to stop the flood of memories that showed up with every hour chime. Mamie Stillwater and Eva Brooks had brought little baby Cody to the party, and the sight of that child dressed up in Christmas pajamas broke Amelia’s heart as she thought of Finn’s infant daughter, Annie.
Hearing sweet children’s voices sing “Away in a Manger” was the worst of all. Amelia understood why Finn had rushed out of the food-truck courtyard during the final verse. “Bless all the dear children in thy tender care/ and fit us for heaven to live with thee there.”
Finn was a good man. A loyal, honorable man who’d been through more than anyone she’d known. It seemed so unfair not only to pile that much tragedy into one life, but to make him the kind of man who felt he must endure it alone. Always quick to feel the nudge to help, the urge to help Finn rediscover even the smallest bit of joy in his life was a constant gnaw, an ache in Amelia’s chest. Here she was, surrounded by happy, excited children, and she felt dark and sad. How much darker and sadder must Finn be in his self-imposed exile in Austin? She recalled the way he’d described his rooms. The hollowness of his life there. She kept hearing his voice say I don’t think I was a very happy man.
You could be, Finn. God is big enough. I’m willing to risk it. You could be.
“O Little Town of Bethlehem” started, and Amelia tried to sing along, but her throat felt too dry and tight to let the words come out.
“Well, it seems I’ve found the party!” A voice came from the hallway, and the entire room turned to stare at a young woman who stood in the banquet room doorway.
Byron scowled at the party-crasher. “This is a private function. May I help you?”
Amelia found the young woman’s face to be vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t place it. The mystery guest tilted her chin up at Byron in defiance, parking one hand on her hip. “Depends if you know where baby Cody Stillwater is. I was told he and Miss Mamie were here.”
The crowd murmured at her sharp tone. “And who are you to be looking for that baby?” Eva asked slowly. Tyler Granger put his hand protectively on his financée’s shoulder as Eva clutched the child more tightly.
“I’m Vanessa Vane, that’s who,” the woman declared loudly as she walked toward Eva. “And I’m that baby’s mama.”
The room fell into startled silence. The adults darted looks back and forth between Vanessa and each other, while the children fidgeted at the interruption of their fun.
“Vanessa?” Byron’s face was turning red as he angled himself between Vanessa and Eva—he didn’t like anything marring the perfection of the League Christmas party, much less a scandalous shock like the one Vanessa had just delivered.
Mamie Stillwater worked her way around Eva and Tyler to face Vanessa. “It was you? You left my grandson on our doorstep?” The old woman’s tone was so sharp Amelia couldn’t decide if it was a question or an accusation.
Lucy, who’d been standing next to Amelia, leaned in. “And here I thought things couldn’t get any more complicated around here.” Even though Cody appeared on the Stillwater doorstep weeks ago and ha
d been tested to prove he was a Stillwater, no one knew which of the Stillwater twins was his father and no one had any idea—until now—who the mother was. It had been just one more astounding event in Little Horn’s recent history.
Amelia slanted a glance at her friend. “I was praying for a distraction, but this goes a bit far.”
“I know I shouldn’t have just left him with Grady like that, but things were...well, I don’t care to go into all that here.” Vanessa stepped closer to the child. “Hi there, little fella. Mommy missed you.”
Mamie put her hand protectively over the child. “You didn’t leave him with Grady. Grady is overseas on a mission. Strikes me as mighty odd that you don’t know that—if you and Grady were as close as you claim.”
“We were very close,” Vera countered, holding her hands out to take the child from Eva. “Just ask Ben.”
Everyone in the room responded to the bomb of that question. “We can’t,” Carson Thorn said sharply. “Ben is in the hospital in a coma.”
“I had no idea.” Vanessa at least looked genuinely distressed to learn the circumstances of the Stillwater men. “I’m so sorry.”
“How could you leave this child on our doorstep without any explanation other than ‘your turn’?” Mamie pulled herself up like the feisty grande dame that she was. “That’s not how a decent mother behaves.”
Vanessa squared her shoulders, as well. “I know everything ain’t as it ought to be, but I’m ready to change that. I want a chance for us to be a real family.”
“Miss Mamie, I wouldn’t take her word for anything,” Byron declared. “If you ask me, all she wants is...”
“Vanessa,” Amelia cut in, hoping to avoid such a scene at a Christmas party in front of dozens of children, “you’ve been gone for ages. How did you know to find us here?”
“They told me at the ranch everyone was at a Christmas party. ’Course I knew it’d be here. I asked that guy standing out front anyway, just to be sure. He said he drove all the way from Austin. Why isn’t he in here anyhow? Y’all get even more picky about who you let in to these things?”
Amelia looked over Vanessa’s head to catch Carson’s eye. She shouldn’t allow herself to hope, but her heart leapt anyway. Carson shrugged as if to say Could be. Willing herself to breathe, Amelia smiled politely at Vanessa and said, “Will y’all excuse me for a minute?” She forced her feet to walk out into the hallway, then lost the battle with her optimism and ran for the door.
She yanked it open and scanned the League office front yard. There, at the edge of the lights leaning up against the sign, stood Finn.
* * *
Finn had been so sure this was the right thing to do. The whole drive out to Little Horn, his conviction strengthened until he was sure he would bolt out of the car, swoop into that party and claim Amelia for his own.
Now that he was here, he lost his nerve. After all, he was still a Ranger and had to return to duty eventually. The risks that had taken Belinda and Annie’s life were still part of his job. Two hours ago he’d been sure choosing to make a go of it with Amelia was the right thing to do. Now, standing outside this building knowing her life and friends and warmth were all inside, it felt selfish. What could he possibly give her in return for all she’d give him? All she had already given him?
He’d almost walked in with that young woman who’d stopped to ask if this was the League Christmas party. No—he couldn’t saunter in there like any other guest. His walking through that door would mean everything. He had to do it on his own, with intention, not in the shadow of someone else.
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after I make it through Christmas. It’s bound to be awful, and she loves all that stuff too much for me to dampen it for her.
He was leaning against the headquarters sign, trying to force his feet to turn back toward the car, when the door flung open. She was in shadows, lit from behind as she was in the doorway, but there was no mistaking Amelia’s silhouette.
Finn had retreated to the darkness, staying just outside the circle of light thrown by the landscaping floodlights that surrounded the building. Still, he could see—clearly, in a way that struck him like a jolt to his chest—the moment she caught sight of him. There was a second where she just stood there, grinding Finn’s pulse to a halt. He held his breath and told himself that he had no right to thrust his broken life into her world, that it was better for everyone if she turned around and shut the door.
Then she nearly leaped off the front step, practically stumbling in her high heels to take the sidewalk at a run. The grass between them tripped her up even further, and he started toward her to catch her if she fell. Determined to save her the way she’d saved him.
Amelia tumbled into him, throwing her arms around his neck. The joy of it, the all-out welcome of it split his heart wide open. Not loving this woman was simply impossible. There was Amelia, and there was the rest of the dull world without her. At this moment, he wanted the world with Amelia more than anything and Finn knew he would risk, do or sacrifice anything to stay beside her.
He wrapped his arms around her, leaning his head into the mass of blond curls. He’d spent the past hours dreaming of touching those curls, needing to hold this woman in his arms. Until now, their touch had been careful and restrained. Now he held her with all his might, nearly laughing at the gleefully fierce way she held him. How could he have ever thought walking away from this woman was the right thing to do?
She pulled back to look at him, eyes gleaming, no hint of reservation anywhere in their blue depths. “You came back.”
There were a dozen replies to that, but Finn chose the only one that counted. He leaned down and kissed her. He’d intended it to be gentle, but it didn’t stay that way for long. After all, Amelia Klondike never did anything halfway—she kissed him back but good. The dreary hollowness that had been his constant companion vanished, replaced by the glow of...it took him a second to name the feeling, strange as it was...hope.
“I couldn’t stay away,” he said, brushing one hand against her cheek, delighted at the sparkle it brought to her eyes. “I don’t know how we’re going to do this but...”
“But we’ll do it.” She cut him off, shaking her head and tightening her grip. “We’ll make it work.”
“I want to,” Finn agreed, leaning his forehead down to touch hers. The loneliness fell off him like a broken shell, and he felt new and alive. “I didn’t think I could ever...” He didn’t even want to finish the sentence, much preferring to kiss her than hunt for words that didn’t seem to matter anymore.
There was a ruckus behind them, and Finn broke away to see Luther standing in the doorway.
“What the... Oh,” the old man said, pretending at annoyance but breaking into a wide smile when he caught sight of Finn. “Well, now, ain’t that something to put under the tree.”
Finn heard Carson’s voice from the hallway behind. “Luther, what’s going on out there?”
Luther chuckled. “Nothing to see here, boys. Head on back to your party.” With a huge thumbs-up gesture, Luther waved his cane at whomever was trying to peer around him and headed back into the building.
Finn found himself laughing. When was the last time he’d laughed? “I’m glad to know Luther approves.”
“Well, Gramps has always said Bug is an excellent judge of character. That dog adores you.” She looked up at him, eyes wide and wondrous. “He’s not alone.”
“I love you, Amelia. Do you think that’s enough?”
“It’s the start of everything, Finn. I love you, too. And yes, I think it will be enough. I want a life with you, and if you’re willing to work at it as hard as I am, how can it not be enough?”
It was she who kissed him then, as if sealing the promise. Finn clung to her, feeling how her light seeped into all the dark corners of his life he thought lost for good. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m glad for what happened. I’m glad I lost my memory so that you could find me.”
She ran
one hand through his hair, the sensation crackling through him like sparks on a dark night. “God does seem to have a flair for the dramatic, doesn’t He?”
“You could say that.”
She fingered the stray hairs falling over his forehead. “Come inside and celebrate Christmas.” Her words told him she knew the weight of that invitation for him.
“I want to,” he said, surprised at how much he did. “I’m not exactly dressed for a party.” In fact, he was a mess. In his rush to get to Little Horn he’d not shaved or changed since yesterday, and he imagined he looked more like a rumpled hobo than a party guest.
“Well, about that...” Amelia got a strange look in her eyes. “I happen to have a suit inside that’s just your size.”
That stumped him. “What do you mean?”
“Come inside. Finn Brannigan, you’re about to dive into Christmas headfirst.” She pulled on his arm, and he felt himself surrender—gladly—to Amelia’s wave of holiday mayhem.
Just before they reached the door, Amelia turned and planted one last kiss on his lips. “How are you at ‘Ho, ho, ho’?”
Finn blinked at her. “Horrible.”
She winked. “I can work with that.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Amelia swept up more wrapping paper while Lucy and her friend Chloe Miner held open the garbage bag. “Thanks for pitching in to help clean up, Chloe,” Amelia offered. “We certainly can’t fault Eva for needing to get Miss Mamie and baby Cody home early to sort things out with Vanessa.”
“Your stepsister sure surprised everyone tonight,” Lucy said, tying off one garbage bag and reaching for another. The banquet room was practically knee-deep in discarded gift wrap—Amelia really had outdone herself in the gifts this year. “Did you know she was coming back? Did you even know she’d had a baby?”
“Ex-stepsister. My dad wasn’t married to her mom for very long. And believe me,” Chloe replied, “I was as shocked as the rest of you.”
A Ranger for the Holidays (Lone Star Cowboy League) Page 18
