“Ew.” I couldn’t resist that time. “Wait, you read his diary?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Because it’s personal,” I said as if that were a dumb question.
Claire shrugged and then held her hand up high. “Could we have a moment without all of you listening to our thoughts and discussion? It is in the dragon/valkyrie agreement.”
Valerie nodded and the crowd’s eyes all closed.
“What are you doing?” I said, knowing full well that Claire was up to something.
“We’re going to have to bone each other,” she said. “It’s the only way.”
I gave her the once over. “Seriously?”
Don’t get me wrong here. Claire was incredibly hot in her humanoid form, but she was also looking to kill me. That didn’t exactly put my libido into overdrive. I was all about a little rough play, sure, but Claire’s was the kind that didn’t give the option for a safe word.
“If we don’t, they’ll kill us both,” she replied with a shrug. “And if we don’t put on one hell of a show, they’ll kill one of us, because I can guarantee that Wilbur is going to go all out with those satyrs.”
I didn’t want to think about Wilbur’s situation. That would definitely not help matters in my nether region.
“Well,” I said as I rubbed my chin, “I guess it would give an entire new meaning to you eating me.”
CHAPTER 29
So, anyway, that happened.
While I’m not going to go into details, I’ll just say that it was definitely the best performance of my life, and I’d go even further to state that Claire was beyond amazing in the sack.
We were both woozy as we stood before the valkyries.
They, in turn, were all swooning.
Claire and I could have seriously hit it off under different circumstances. Dating a dragon was, again, too dicey to entertain, but…yeah. I gave her another onceover. Shame.
“Well?” she said in a tired voice. “What’s the verdict?”
“We have a draw,” Valerie replied.
“A three-way?” I said, and then held up my hand at seeing that sparkle in Valerie’s eyes. “I don’t mean that in a sexual way, Val. I’m asking you if we have a three-way draw, meaning that me, Claire, and Wilbur are all tied up with each other?” I groaned again. “And I don’t mean ‘tied up’ like that, either.”
Honestly, these chicks needed to get laid. I’d be happy to be the guy who came down for regular visits to help them out, too, but only if specific rules were set in place.
All of their eyes were sparkling now.
“Still reading my thoughts, I see,” I said with an accusing stare. “Well, note that I’m serious about what I just thought, but that’s not going to happen if I lose this little tournament of yours, and as far as I remember, you must choose a loser, no?”
Valerie snapped her fingers.
“What happened?” I said.
“Wilbur lost,” she replied.
“Yes,” Claire said with a fist-pump.
I gave her a disturbed look. “Seriously? He’s your brother!”
“Less competition,” she replied with a shrug.
Dragons were a fucked-up bunch, which only went to show that I wasn’t going to even entertain dating Claire. I kind of felt bad about having boned her, in fact. Oh well, at least I’d been on top for most of it.
“Fine,” I said, giving up on understanding the nuances of dragon culture. “Now what happens?”
“We will hold Dragon Claire here until you proceed through level eight,” Valerie replied.
Claire put her hands on her hips. “You can’t do that!”
“There is no precept in our dealings with dragons that precludes us from detaining you for as long as we wish, Dragon Claire. We are only giving Ian Dex an advantage because…” She paused and adjusted again in her chair. “Well, we have our reasons.”
Claire’s mouth hung open.
“Son of a bitch,” she said as she slowly turned toward me. “You’ve made a deal with them to come back and bone them, haven’t you?”
“More of an agreement,” I admitted, “but it’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.”
Sparkling eyes all around. They were definitely going to be a fun bunch to enjoy.
Their heads nodded in agreement.
“I don’t suppose you could just snap your fingers and send me to the end of level nine, Val?”
“Sorry, no,” she replied. “We could only do that with Wilbur because he was part of our contest, and because the satyrs allowed for it.”
“Swell. So that means that I need to get past the fae on my own.”
“I’m afraid that’s true,” Valerie stated. “They can be rather tricky, too, so we ask that you tread carefully.”
She stepped down and walked over to me. Even though I’d just finished an epic session of hide-the-sausage with Claire, I felt quite capable of playing a round or two with Valerie. She was just smokin’ hot.
“You’re sweet,” she said.
I frowned. “All right, it’s going to have to be in the contract that you can’t read my thoughts.”
She wore a sad face.
“Trust me,” I said, looking up into those glittering eyes, “if you don’t know what I’m thinking, the surprise of the things I do will only serve to improve the experience.”
Her sad face disappeared.
She nodded and then bent down to hug me. It was a little awkward because she was huge, but even more strange was that she’d grabbed my buttocks and gave them a squeeze.
It burned.
“Ouch,” I said, pulling away. “What the hell was that?”
“You are now marked as being allowed to enter the seventh level once,” she replied with an evil grin. “When you wish to do so, merely recite the phrase, ‘I want me some valkyrie lovin’’ and you’ll immediately appear in a safe zone of our arena.”
I wasn’t sure how to reply to that.
“Finish your mission,” she said, placing her hand on my shoulder. “If you survive, say the statement and we will formalize our contract and give you a permanent means to move freely between your world and our level whenever you wish.”
I laughed. “Sounds perfect.”
“It will be.”
I nodded and smiled at Claire. She did not share my enthusiasm. In fact, she appeared downright pissed off.
That made me even happier.
“Any suggestions on how I can get past the fae?” I asked her.
“You want my help?” Claire answered with a shocked laugh.
“If they kill me, you lose your prize.”
“Shit, you’re right.” Her shoulders slumped. “Hit them with a riddle. Make them take you across before you’ll answer it.” Her eyes trained on me. “And it’d better be a good one or you’re screwed.”
“Right,” I said with a nod. “Thank you.”
“Fuck you.”
I raised a mischievous eyebrow at her. “I thought you’d be too tired to go again so soon.”
The eyes in the crowd sparkled.
CHAPTER 30
I didn’t even bother to hesitate this time around. I knew exactly what to do and I was already well aware of what fae looked like. They looked like super-attractive humans.
So I strode out into the level and headed directly for the other side.
This caught them off guard.
It was quite amazing what people will let you get away with by simply acting like you know what the hell you were doing. In fact, I got to nearly the halfway point until a bunch of fae moved to block my continued progress.
“Halt,” said a tall dude with wavy brown hair. He was tan, smooth-skinned, and had green eyes. Wilbur—rest his…well, whatever it was that dragons had—would have approved. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m walking toward the exit over there so that I can get to level nine,” I replied, then I waved my hand dismissively at him. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a timetable to ke
ep.”
A few of them moved, but the big guy did not.
“You can’t just walk into our level and pass through. That’s not how it works.”
“Ah, yes,” I said, snapping my fingers. “I remember now. You are the ones who like dealing in riddles.” Their faces lit up. “You will attempt to use them on me until I falter. If I fail to answer any of the ever-increasingly difficult mental puzzles you throw my way, then my life shall be forfeit.” I paced in front of the fae wall. “However, if I succeed in deciphering each volley you deliver, by the time I get to the other side, then I may walk through the exit unscathed.”
Their faces were now holding looks of surprise.
The big dude nodded at me. “You’re obviously well-read. I would not have expected this from a vampire.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” I said, irritated.
“Because you’re obviously good-looking, you have chiseled features, you have—”
“No, I mean about my being well-read.” My eye felt like it was twitching. That gave me pause. Was I more irritated about people thinking I was a vampire or about them thinking I was somehow scholarly? And why would I be upset about people thinking me smart? “Anyway, I’m not a vampire and I also don’t read good.”
“Well.”
“Well what?”
“You don’t read well,” the big dude stated.
I stared at him dully. “I know, I just said that. No point in rubbing it in.”
He furrowed his brow at me and let out a slow breath through his nose.
“Right, well, you are correct in your assessment,” he said. “We must therefore begin our questioning of you immediately since you have already managed to cover half the distance unimpeded.”
I was expecting this, but what they weren’t expecting was that Claire had given me a tidbit of information to counter them. While it wasn’t in their rules to decipher riddles I posed, Claire’s words made it clear that they would comply.
“Before you begin,” I said, rubbing my hands together, “I’ll bet that I know of a riddle that you will not be able to solve.”
They laughed and shook their heads at me. It almost felt like they considered me a child. This was rather rude, but I just held a stoic and somewhat pompous gaze at them all.
The big dude gained his composure first. “Wait, are you being serious?”
“Deadly,” I replied.
That squelched their chuckling.
I’d thrown down the gauntlet.
The big dude had a look on his face that told me he had no choice but to accept my challenge. This clearly bothered him, but I didn’t care. My life was more important to me than his pride.
“Well, then,” he said in a measured tone of voice, “what is this riddle you claim I cannot solve?”
“Walk with me and I shall tell you,” I stated as I began my stride right toward the fae wall.
To my surprise, it opened up and I was soon making steps toward the exit with the big dude by my side.
“Okay,” I said in a voice loud enough to be heard for a good distance, “what has eleven legs, is purple, and can sing opera when it goes up a hill, but has thirteen legs, is green, and cannot sing opera when it comes back down the hill?”
There was no immediate response, which was fully expected.
“So,” said the big dude, “it has eleven legs going up the hill and thirteen coming back down?”
“Yes.”
“And it is purple when going up, but green when coming back down?”
“Correct.”
“And it can sing opera on the way up but not on the way down?”
“You’ve got it.”
The walk was nearly silent aside from the clomping of shoes on the hard floor. Every face within visual range was deep in thought. Their eyes were bouncing all over the place, signaling that I had most certainly given them a puzzle that was sinisterly complex.
I was completely shocked when we got all the way to the opposite side of the level and there hadn’t been a single word spoken.
They all stopped twenty feet away from the exit. I went all the way up to it and turned around, standing within jumping distance of the stairs, just in case.
“Well,” I said, smiling, “here we are. Do you have an answer for me?”
If you’ve never seen a bunch of defeated-looking fae, you haven’t lived. They were notoriously snobbish and better-than-thou in their dealings. To see them standing before me wearing faces of inferiority was immensely rewarding.
“No,” admitted the big dude. “Tell us, what is this thing that has eleven legs, is purple, and can sing opera when it goes up the hill, but has thirteen legs, is green, and cannot sing opera when it comes back down?”
I grinned and turned away, facing the stairs.
“I have no idea,” I called over my shoulder, and then ran like hell.
CHAPTER 31
F ae typically didn’t use a ton of foul language, but the ones who were halfway down the stairs behind me sounded like drunken sailors. These guys were unrolling a stream of obscenities so vile that it could have been used for inspiration for one of Estelle’s poems.
But that was level eight, and it was now behind me.
Level nine was my new problem, and I still could not remember who was down here.
My first thought was Satan, but the demons would have laughed at that.
One thing was for certain, whatever it was on level nine, there was only one of them. I knew this because the instructors had drilled it into our heads during training. They said that the…whatever it was, was not something to be trifled with. Now, considering all the levels I’d just been through, I can’t imagine anything above that was trifle-worthy, so the creature on level nine had to be pretty dire indeed.
I stepped out and glanced around.
This level was nice. I’m talking Las Vegas five-star-hotel nice.
Where the other levels had rock floors or were covered with goop or satyr essence, this circle of “hell” had polished marble. The walls were clean and sleek, covered with paintings so vivid and beautiful that it threatened to take my breath away. Even Warren’s rune paintings paled in comparison, and those had been quite something. There were couches, chairs, tapestries, tables, and pretty much everything you would expect in one of the most luxurious lobbies in the best of hotels on the Strip.
The question I had was: Who was this all for?
Me?
“Hello,” said a voice so smooth that the hairs on my neck stood up. It was practiced, flawless, and warm. Very warm. “Allow me to welcome you to the ninth level.”
I turned and saw a man wearing a black suit that was fitted perfectly. He was built roughly the same as me, though the V-shape that went from his shoulders to his waist was less pronounced. His hair was black and slicked back, which looked quite chic. His smile was dazzling. I mean seriously dazzling. And it was so genuine that I found myself smiling back almost instantly. Truth was that I should have felt freaked out and on my toes, but I wasn’t. I was calm, cool, and relaxed. This was doubly strange since I couldn’t see his eyes. He was wearing dark sunglasses. Considering the lighting in the area was rather dim, I couldn’t understand why he’d need shades, and it made me think he was hiding something, but…I didn’t care.
Something in the back of my head told me that the fact that I didn’t care should be worrying me.
“You are Officer Ian Dex, right?” he asked.
“Just call me Ian,” I replied, reaching out my hand, though I didn’t know why.
He shook my hand. His grip was firm and warm.
“My name is Basil,” he said.
At least it wasn’t Lucifer, which I found humorous as I recalled the demon queen’s name from level six.
“What brings you to level nine, Ian?”
“Same old story,” I said, waving my hand. “A bunch of cops get tricked by a dragon, who sends her kids to eat us, we get separated, the dragons chase me through the n
ine levels, and I try to get to the other side before being gooped on, fucked to death, eaten, killed, and all those other lovely things that come with the various circles.” I shrugged. “I just want to get to my crew.”
“I see,” he said with a slow nod. “So you’re not on some quest of fealty or some kind of learning event?”
“Oh, no, nothing like that. I’m the chief of the Las Vegas Paranormal Police Department. My crew is on the other side of the tunnel that connects through here. I’m just trying to get to them.”
“Hmmm.” He smiled again. “That sounds innocuous enough.”
“That’s what I thought,” I replied, leaning in conspiratorially. This guy was making me feel more comfortable than I should have. “But it turns out that everyone on the various levels wants your…well, whatever they each want, regardless of what you want.”
“It’s their way,” he said. “You can’t blame a beast for acting in accordance with its instinct. A lion does not attack the elk because there is hate in its heart or because of some political agenda. It does so merely because the lion is a predator and the elk is its prey.”
I grimaced. “Still sucks to watch it.”
He smiled again. This time it didn’t feel as pleasant. This time it felt devilish.
Were there other names for Satan that I didn’t know about? There were a few I did know, like Abaddon and Apollyon. I glanced his way. Could Basil be short for Beelzebub? Or maybe Belial?
“Come along, Ian,” he said as he turned and walked away. I felt compelled to comply. “I shall walk you to the tunnel that you seek.”
“Really?” I said, following him.
“Of course. Your purpose is true. Therefore, I will lend aid where I can.”
This was odd.
“Well…thanks.”
“This surprises you?” he said, glancing over at me.
“If you’d just been through what I’ve been through over the other eight levels, you’d understand why I’m not exactly feeling all that trusting.”
His laugh was the kind that made you feel something bad was about to happen.
Good-looking or not, this dude was creeping me out.
Blood Bane Tower: An Ian Dex Supernatural Novel, #3 (Las Vegas Paranormal Police Department) Page 12
