by J. S. Cooper
“What do you want?” Her voice again. I felt him jumping back.
“Sorry what?” He sounded embarrassed.
“What do you want to eat or drink?” she asked. “I’m going to the cafeteria.”
“Oh, nothing.” Heartbreak at that word. Nothing. We are nothing. He is nothing. I am nothing. I am everything. I. Am. Completely. Normal.
“What are you looking at?" I asked, the day everything changed.
“Nothing.” He pursed his lips. “Nothing.”
“I’ve never been unhappy.” I smiled at him. “I’ve never been jealous.”
“Okay.” He looked confused. “That’s good.”
“You believe me?”
“What? Eyes wide, eyebrows furrowed, perplexion written on his face. “Believe you about what?”
“Of course, I’ve been jealous.” I paused. “I mean unhappy. I’m not jealous.”
“Jealous of what?”
“The girl you’ve been looking at.”
“The girl?” He looked over at her then back at me. “What girl?”
“There’s no girl.” I shrugged. No point.
Today I’m thirty. When I’m thirty-one, we’re going to buy a house. And we’re going to be in debt up to our eyeballs, but it’ll be okay because we’ll be in it together. It won’t be a huge house. Two bedrooms. One bath. A small yard where we can grow herbs and veggies. He has a green thumb. I have a death thumb. He’ll be in charge.
“Lexi.” I can barely hear him now. I want to respond. Cory. Cory. Cory.
“Lexi.”
The water is cold, colder than I thought it would be. I’m losing my strength. The waves just keep crashing down on me. I can’t breathe. “Happy Birthday, Lexi.” Salt water in my mouth, I’m sputtering. There are no stars in the sky now. It’s dark and my body is shivering. I’m colder than I’ve ever been in my life.
“You’re my best friend, Lexi.” The words aren’t enough. My fingers won’t open; so numb are they in the water. “Lexi,” he whispers. “Lexi.”
Cory. I can hear his name in my head, though I can’t say it. I want to look him in the eyes.
“Lexi.” The flowers, so beautiful, pinks and purples. All over the sky. The fireworks. He got fireworks and sparkly lights that we twirled in the air as we ran through the field. “Don’t do this again.” That frown, the coldness in his eyes. Angry at me. Coldness pounding in the head. He hates me. “Lexi.” His voice, soft, his hands in my hair. “Come back to me, Lexi.”
My hair is gray. Today is my fiftieth birthday. He brushes my hair carefully, his long gone. He bends down and kisses my neck, his lips still sparking a thrill in my body. “Lexi.” His hands massage my shoulders.
“Yes,” I say, stilled as I gaze into the mirror and stare at the wrinkles on my weathered face. My eyebrows are thinner than I’d like, my lips cracked. I had to apply lip balm.
“Lexi,” he whispers urgently into my ear. “Happy Birthday.”
“I’m your best friend?” I smiled at my reflection.
“Lexi,” he says, dulcet tones making me feel as if I can finally be warm.
“It’s your birthday,” I say, smiling up at him.
“It’s your birthday,” he repeats after me, correcting me.
“Let’s build a bonfire.” I turn around and stare at him, still as a statue. “We can pretend it’s Guy Fawkes night.”
“We’d need to get wood,” he says hesitantly.
“So.” I grin. “Gives us an excuse to get out of the house.”
“Are you sure?” He’s uncertain and my heart stops.
“No.” I shook my head.
“Lexi.” His voice is warm, pure, loving. I want him to hold me. I want him to tell me it’s going to be okay.
It’s cold again.
I knew exactly how I’d do it. Knew as sure as I knew that the voices in my head would never go away. I. Am. Completely. Normal.
“Lexi.” His voice again, impatient, annoyed. “Lexi.”
Tomorrow he would be twenty. He’d wear blue jeans, a black Dave Matthews Band T-shirt. Maybe a baseball cap. He’d be grinning. He’d hand me a note, written on recycled paper. Sometimes it was old notes; sometimes it was a page from a favorite book, sometimes a napkin. The words were always the same. “Happy Birthday, Lexi, you’re my best friend.” Even when I was more than that. Even when I was less than that. Even when I jumped. You see, I knew exactly how I’d do it. I just didn’t know he’d do it too.
“Lexi.” His voice again, willing me to open my eyes. I don’t want to. I don’t want to give up the future memories. I don’t want to let go of what could have been. If I open my eyes, he’s gone. If I open my eyes I’m no longer completely normal.
“Lexi,” he says again, his voice a tickle in my ear. “Happy Birthday.” His voice is fading now. The water is consuming me. I’m going to drown my tears. My tears cascade into the ocean. I scream when I see his body floating away from me. I knew exactly how I’d do it. “Lexi.” His smile faded. We were everything and we were nothing.
“Cory,” I scream. “Cory.” My eyes flutter open. Emptiness. A white wall. The voices fading away. His touch, his fingers. His mole, his sparkle, his eyes, all gone.
“Lexi,” he says, this time there’s no face, no eyes to avoid. “Lexi,” he says his voice more consistent.
“Lexi.” No tap on the shoulder.
“Lexi.” No mole.
“Lexi.” No flashes of pink or purple in the sky.
“Lexi.” My name in all its glory bouncing off of the walls. “Happy Birthday.” I smile. It’s going to be okay.
“I. Am. Completely. Normal.”
I stare at the end of the page for a few seconds just trying to parse everything I’d just read. I could feel tears in my eyes and I swallowed hard. That was a lot deeper than I’d expected. In fact, I wasn’t sure if I’d completely gotten everything. I decided to reread it from the beginning and this time I was going to take my time.
“Did I make you fall asleep?” Nate’s voice was humorous as he spoke about ten minutes later.
“No, no, not at all.” I put the laptop down and gazed at him. “Who are you?”
“What do you mean? I’m Nate.” He looked confused.
“Yeah, you’re still my Nate, but you’re so much more than that.” I reached over and touched the side of his face lightly. “You wrote that after we stopped talking?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I know it’s all over the place, but that’s how I felt.”
“It is all over the place, but in the best way possible. That’s how all over the place short stories should be. You’re really talented. That was really special.” His face was red as I spoke and I could tell he was uncomfortable with my words. I was so surprised at his reaction. “So, I have a question,” I said to him with a smile.
“Uh huh,” he said and started playing with my hand. “What’s that?”
“Am I Lexi or Cory?” I grinned. “In the story?”
“Which one would you want to be?” he asked me softly.
“I don’t know.” I shook my head and thought for a moment. “It seems like they both made mistakes, both had heartache, regrets. But they loved each other.”
“Yes, they did.”
“But it was a sad love,” I said mournfully. “They didn’t really get a happy ending.”
“Well we didn’t really get a happy ending at the time, did we?” He pulled me closer to him on the bed.
“Well, we do now. We’re friends again.” I beamed up at him, but my heart ached. I wanted to be more than friends with him. I wanted him to be my lover, my boyfriend, my everything. “So what got you into writing?”
“My granddad did.” He looked at me with a short smile and a faraway look in his eyes. “I wrote my first story about my granddad.”
“Oh, you told me a little bit about him. He was your mom’s dad, right.”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “He died right after I graduated from college.”
&n
bsp; “Oh, I’m sorry.” I rested my hand on his leg. “I didn’t know that.”
“It’s okay. He didn’t really remember much toward the end.” His voice was low as he spoke. “I wrote a story for him because he asked me to.” He looked into my eyes then and I could see a love shining there for his memory. “He asked me to write a story about him. This was in college. He said he remembered how I’d loved to write stories as a kid.” He laughed then. “It was funny because I hadn’t even remembered that. He remembered things about me that I’d forgotten and I remembered things about him that he’d forgotten.”
“Aww, he had dementia, right?”
“Yeah, dementia and Alzheimer’s.” He looked sad. “It was hard. My mom didn’t take it well.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again, not knowing what to say. I was overwhelmed with emotions for this man. The love in my heart was pouring out for him, but I didn’t know how to express those words to him. I didn’t know how he’d react.
“It’s not your fault, Janie. You always did have a huge heart. Too huge,” he said and then he reached over and started tickling me.
“Nate!” I started giggling as I fell back on the bed. “Stop.”
“Stop what?” he asked as he continued to tickle me. His face was lighter now and I knew that he’d started to tickle me on purpose so that he could change the subject. He didn’t like it when things got too deep. He wasn’t one for delving into his past and talking about his feelings. I knew that and I hated it, but I knew I couldn’t push him to share more than he was willing to. Not if I wanted to keep him in my life.
“Tickling me.” I reached up to his arms and tried to pull them down. “Nate,” I exclaimed as his hand fell to my breast.
“What? You said you wanted me to stop tickling you.” He winked at me and before I knew it his lips were on mine and he was kissing me passionately. I kissed him back with everything I had, enjoying the taste of him on me and the warmth of his hard body next to mine. I pulled him down on top of me and he grunted as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I felt him hard against me and I moaned in his mouth as his fingers played with my nipple. I arched my back so that I was closer to him and my breasts started to press against his chest. I reached down and massaged his cock and he grunted into my mouth as I felt his body spasm next to me.
“Lie back,” he commanded me as he pushed me back. I lay back immediately and my body grew hot as I felt his hands pulling my pajama bottoms down. He left my panties on though and I felt slightly miffed that he wasn’t taking off all of my clothes. “Lift your hands up,” he said and I did as I was told. He pulled my top off and grinned as he saw that I had no bra on underneath the top. “Lie back again,” he said and I shook my head. “No?” he said, looking surprised.
“Take off my panties.” I almost whispered, not sure were the words had come from. I’d never been this bold before.
“Yes ma’am.” He grinned and he bent down and tugged off my panties with his teeth. I could feel myself growing wetter as his nose nudged my sweet spot. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the light touches and caresses his face was giving me in my most sensitive of spots.
“Oh my, Nate.” I moaned loudly and he grinned as he pushed his fingers against my lips.
“Shh, we don’t want to wake anyone up.”
“I don’t care,” I said and Nate just laughed. He finally had my panties off and I almost screamed out loud as his mouth fell onto my now naked pussy and he started licking. “Oh my gosh, Nate.” I cried out as he sucked on my clit. He didn’t respond and instead I felt his tongue entering me. I could feel myself coming right away. And that seemed to turn Nate on even more because he just started moving his tongue inside of me faster and harder. I gripped the top of his head and pulled his hair as I moaned and writhed around on the bed. My eyes closed as my body shook. I couldn’t believe how good this felt. It was as if he had been made to pleasure my body. “Your tongue was made to pleasure me,” I exclaimed as I felt myself building up to another orgasm already.
“Was it really?” he said as he stopped tongue-fucking me and reached up to kiss me. I could feel my juices on his lips and the taste felt primal and wild. “I want to fuck you, Janie,” he groaned against my lips. “I want to feel you quivering on my cock.”
“I want you inside of me, Nate.” I moaned against his lips as my hands reached to his boxers. “Take them off, please.”
“If you insist.” He grinned and yanked them off. I stared at his cock, stiff and thick and I swallowed hard. It was as magnificent as I remembered it being. Maybe ever better than I remembered. He placed the tip of his cock next to my opening and I groaned at the feel of him. “This is okay, right?” He looked down into my eyes and I almost made a joke about Dylan, but I knew that now was not the right time.
“Yes,” I groaned and wrapped my legs around him. “I want to feel you inside of me.”
“You don’t have to say that twice.” He grunted and his lips came down on mine at the same time as he entered me. He pushed his cock inside of me swiftly and I cried out into his mouth as he filled all of me. He raised his hips and thrust into me slowly and I moved my hips back and forth to match his rhythm. “How does that feel baby?” He groaned as he pulled all the way out of me.
“Don’t stop. It feels good.” I cried out at his withdrawal.
“How good?” he asked as he thrust back inside of me.
“Soo good.” I cried out. “Oh Nate.”
“Do you like it when I fuck you, Janie?” He started thrusting harder. “Oh shit, you’re so wet and tight for me, baby.”
“Oh Nate,” I groaned as I grabbed his shoulders. “I’m going to come again.”
“Come for me, baby, come for me.” He groaned and thrust into me hard one last time before his cock came out quickly and I felt his warm cum all over my stomach. “Oh shit, that was good.” He kissed my lips and then moved next to me on the bed. His arms reached out and played with my breasts. “Did that feel as good to you?”
“Uh huh,” I said as my eyes practically rolled back in my head. My body was still heaving and I could hardly move. “Amazing.”
“Good,” he said and he jumped up. “Stay there, I’m going to get a washcloth to wipe my cum off of you. I forgot to ask you if you’re on the pill.”
“No,” I mumbled, my face going red as I realized I’d completely forgotten about protection. “No, I’m not on the pill.”
“Good thing I pulled out then.” He winked at me. “Though I wanted to come inside of you so badly.”
“Nate.” I blushed at his words and how dirty he’d talked to me during sex. I lay there watching his toned ass as he walked to the bathroom to get a washcloth. I couldn’t believe how good the sex had been. How he’d moved inside of me and held me. It made me feel warm and loved. Tonight had been a great night. I felt like he was finally coming around. I was learning secrets about him and he was showing me a side I’d never seen before. Maybe we really did have a chance.
“Here, let me wipe this off,” he said as he walked back into the room with a warm cloth. He wiped between my legs and my stomach gently and then threw the cloth on the ground and got back onto the bed next to me. “This was a perfect night,” he said with a smile as he pulled me close to him.
“I agree,” I said with a smile as I yawned.
“You see how good it can be, Janie.” He kissed the top of my head. “We’re best friends and lovers. There’s something so special about hooking up with someone so close to you.”
“I agree,” I said, though my voice faltered. What was he saying?
“We have the best of both worlds,” he said as he switched the light off.
“We do?” I could feel my heart slowing down and my skin starting to grow cold, even though I was snuggled next to him.
“We can enjoy our relationship as grown adults who both know what we want.”
“Yeah,” I said. “What’s that exactly?”
“Friends with benefits.” He gave
me a kiss and then turned over. “Night, Janie.”
“Night, Nate,” I whispered, but I knew it was going to be a long time before I could fall asleep.
Chapter Seven
Janie
“Morning, sleepyhead,” I said as I brought Anabel a cup of coffee in bed. “How are you feeling?”
“Ugh, don’t ask.” She shook her head and then groaned. “My head is pounding. Just how much did I drink last night?”
“A lot.” I grinned as I handed her the cup. “I’m making us some eggs as well.”
“You’re the best.” She smiled at me weakly. “I feel like death.”
“Aww.” I sat down on the bed next to her. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “I was out for the count. You woke up early. I didn’t even hear you get up.”
“Yeah, I woke up early to go to the store.” I decided not to tell her that I’d had sex with Nate the night before. I knew she’d be upset with me. I wasn’t supposed to give up the goods until I knew what he wanted. Now I was pretty sure I knew and it wasn’t what I myself wanted. And now I was stuck in a bad position. I didn’t know what to do. “Are you feeling better today?” I asked her softly.
“What do you mean?”
“Dylan and stuff?” I said and looked away, not wanting to ask her outright if she had a crush on him.
“Yeah.” She sighed and reached out and touched my hand. “Sorry about yesterday. I was just in a funky mood.”
“It’s okay,” I said softly, not sure if I should push the issue. “If you want me to not flirt with Dylan, I don’t have to.”
“We came here for you.” She shrugged. “You have to do what you have to do to see if Nate will step up to the plate.”
“But if you like him …” My voice trailed off.
“I don’t know him, Janie.” She shook her head. “Yes, he’s cute and yes he’s a charmer. But he seems like a player. I don’t want a player like that.”
“We don’t know he’s a player.”
“He most probably just wants to hook up and be friends with benefits.” She made a face. “I’m better than that. That’s not what I want and I’m not going to settle for that.”
