Nurture

by Susan X Meagher

  "One room that isn't small is the kitchen," Catherine said. "Marta's going to love it."

  They walked into the large space and Jamie spent quite a few minutes oohing and ahhing over every one of the top-quality appliances. "Just perfect. And made for entertaining."

  "Yes. It will be nice to have you two over for meals. We can all sit in here together. I might even learn a thing or two about cooking," Catherine said.

  Jamie took advantage of the fact that they were alone. She lowered her voice and asked, "How did it go with Giacomo? I ... uhm ... thought you'd call me while I was gone."

  Catherine looked nonplussed. "Oh. I ... suppose I should have. I just didn't ... think."

  "So ...?" Jamie looked at her mother carefully, seeing how evasive and skittish she seemed.

  "Well, we worked some things out. I had some ... concerns ... and we talked them out. I think we ... settled some things."

  Jamie smiled at her and waited for her to continue, but Catherine just smiled back, not offering another word. The younger woman pursed her lips, then rocked back on her heels and looked around. There was an uncomfortable silence, then she said, "Where's that girlfriend of mine? Are you sure she didn't leave?"

  Relieved, Catherine said, "No, but I have a feeling she's outside. Let's go find her."

  As predicted, Ryan was sitting on one of the chairs on the deck, watching the bay with a peaceful expression on her features. "What a great spot," she sighed. "Can I come over every morning to have my coffee?"

  "I'd be delighted," Catherine said. "Actually, nothing would make me happier than to see you two on a daily basis."

  "I think that can be arranged," Ryan said, smiling brightly. "We'll be over so much, you'll change the locks."

  Jamie surveyed the entire space, murmuring her approval. "You're going to be very happy here, Mom. Just the place for a fresh start."

  "That's exactly how it feels to me, honey," Catherine said. "I've lived in the Bay Area my whole life, but I've never lived in the city. I'm going to take advantage of all this place has to offer."

  "Look out San Francisco," Ryan called out to the city below. "Catherine Evans is takin' over!"

  That evening, Jamie lay on the king-sized bed at the Westwood Holiday Inn, waiting for Ryan to take a shower so they could go out to dinner. Her partner was puttering around the room, obviously in no hurry. So Jamie picked up her cell phone and dialed the third position on her speed dial. "Guess where I am?" she asked.

  "Paris," Mia said. "Or Cairo."

  Jamie laughed. "You're not even trying."

  Mia let out a breath. "Okay. You're in some boring college town. Playing golf or softball. Better?"

  "Mostly right," Jamie admitted. "But we're in L.A., and I made reservations for just the two of us at the hottest new restaurant in town. And if I can keep her awake, I'm gonna drag my sweetie to a big lesbian club. That's not too boring, is it?"

  "Ooo ... L.A.," Mia sighed. "Do I have some great memories from L.A."

  "Me, too," Jamie said. "I was just lying here thinking about when all of us were here this past fall. Wasn't that a great weekend?"

  "Sure was. Jordy and I were just starting to fall in love. Damn, it seems like it was years ago, James."

  "I know it," Jamie said. "Years and years. But it's only been about six months ... if that."

  "I'd love to be there with you guys," Mia said. "These roommates suck so bad."

  "Not any better, huh?"

  "Nope. I've gotta pin Jordy down and figure out what's going on. She knows a hell of a lot more about her plans for the next few years than she's told me. I just have to find the time to get her alone and awake!"

  Jamie groaned. "How'd we get into the same fix? Boy, Jack was a pain in the butt, but he was always sitting on the couch where I could find him!"

  "Whoo! Ryan's in deep shit if you're comparing her to Jack! What did she do?"

  "Oh ... nothing ... really. We're both too busy and we're not taking time to talk like we usually do."

  "All you do is talk and have sex."

  "Those were the old days. Now all we do is travel and study and try to keep some family obligations. May can't come soon enough for me."

  "Yeah, it'll be nice to be finished with school, but Jordan has me scheduled to do a world tour with her."

  "Really? That sounds cool!"

  "It kinda does," Mia said. "But I'll go to all of her games, and they're anytime from 9:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. I mean, I know I shouldn't bitch, but there's a difference between traveling with Jordan and traveling as a tag-along with the team."

  "You don't have to tell me," Jamie said. "It's been nice to go to softball matches with Ryan, but when I went along on basketball games it sucked. Of course, we were in Pullman and Corvallis and not Paris and London."

  "I want to travel with Jordy, but ..." She let out a sigh. "I can't complain about this. This is what makes Jordy happy, and I've gotta be a trooper. I'll just have to enjoy the travel."

  "You always had fun when you went with your parents, and I know you didn't hang out with them the whole time."

  "I was looking to hook-up, Jamie! It's great to go to Madrid and meet a hot guy in a club. But I've gotta go visit cathedrals and museums now."

  "Ohh, you poor thing! You're gonna have to see the stuff regular tourists see, rather than stranger's bedrooms."

  "It's a bitch!" Mia agreed, laughing.

  "Does Jordan know how you feel?"

  "Hell, no," Mia said, laughing. "She's oblivious. You know how jocks are, James. As long as she gets enough sleep and enough to eat, she's happy."

  "Ryan jokes that Conor only has four emotions: hungry, thirsty, tired and horny. But she doesn't have a whole lot more, so she shouldn't talk."

  With an evil-sounding laugh, Mia said, "The horny part makes me put up with a lot. Thank God Jordy isn't too tired for that!"

  "The roommates listening doesn't bother you any more?"

  "You can get used to anything," Mia said. "But we've learned to be very, very quiet."

  "You?"

  "Well, Jordan usually claps a hand over my mouth, but I think I should get some credit."

  "I miss you, buddy," Jamie said, on the verge of tears.

  "Me, too. Being here has really shown me how much I love Jordy. She's the only good thing about being here, but it's been enough. She's enough for me."

  "I'm glad to hear that," Jamie said. "I worry about you a lot."

  "I'm fine, babe. I've been studying my ass off, out of sheer boredom. I want to make Dean's list just to show my parents that I'm not a total flake."

  "Have you spoken to them much?"

  "Huh-uhn. Not since the time I told you about. They both have my cell phone number, but my mother must have ordered my father not to call. He tends to follow her lead."

  "What about Peter?"

  Mia laughed again, and Jamie could hear her fondness for her brother. "He does what he wants. He calls me at least once a week. He's a very good brother."

  "I'm glad you have at least one person in the family who's reasonable. Thank God for Peter."

  "Yeah, he's been great. I don't think he believes Jordan's the one for me, but he doesn't ever say so. That's all the support I need."

  "Really? That shocks me."

  "He just seems to think I'm more straight than gay. I think he assumes I'll get tired of chick-love and run back to hetero-land."

  "That doesn't bother you?" Jamie asked, thinking that she wouldn't like it at all if she were in Mia's position.

  "Nah. I have been a flake for most of my life. I can't blame him for thinking I'm still like that."

  "You're not a flake," Jamie said firmly, her protective streak rising to the fore.

  "I'm not any more," Mia said. "Love changes you in many ways, James. It's made me grow up a lot. Peter will see that over time. And so will my parents ... if they ever speak to me again."

  "Your mom loves you too much to let this last too long. I'm sure it's driving her crazy." />
  "Short drive."

  "Oh, Ryan looks like she's on the verge of getting ready," Jamie said. "I'd better go."

  "Give Ryan a kiss for me and remind her that she has everything in the world she needs to be happy-your love."

  "I love you, Mia. Kiss Jordan for us."

  "Repeatedly," Mia agreed, before hanging up.

  "How are our children?" Ryan asked.

  "Okay. Mia's bored beyond belief, but Jordan seems happy."

  "Aren't you glad that I made one intelligent decision in my life?"

  "Uhm ... besides choosing me?"

  "Right," Ryan said. "That's a given. But aren't you glad I didn't try out for the Olympic volleyball team? You know with my luck I would have made it."

  "Yeah. You're just unlucky enough to be chosen as one of the top fifteen volleyball players in the country." Jamie got up and walked over to her lover. "But your luck is about to change."

  "It is? How?"

  Jamie picked her phone back up and scrolled through her phone book. Finding the number she wanted, she dialed and waited for an answer. "Hi, this is Jamie Evans. I need to cancel my reservation for 7:30. Sure. You're welcome." She hung up and smiled at Ryan. "Mia reminded me of something."

  "Never to make me go out to a nice restaurant again?"

  "Nope. That we have to concentrate on the things that are important. Going out to dinner isn't important." She put her arms around Ryan's waist. "Talking about what's going on in our relationship is what's important right now."

  Immediately, Ryan looked terrified. "What's wrong? What'd I do?"

  Jamie stroked her bare skin, then kissed her chest. "You didn't do anything, love. We just have to talk through some things. It's early, we're both awake, and we don't have to be anywhere. It's time."

  Ryan rubbed her arms, and Jamie saw the goose bumps. "I'm freezing. Let me put some sweats on."

  "Okay." Jamie sat down on one of the two club chairs that flanked a small table. When Ryan had donned some sweatpants and a T-shirt, she took the chair opposite her. As usual when they had a serious discussion, Ryan looked like a schoolgirl trying to show that she was paying rapt attention. Her eyes were fixed on Jamie's and she didn't move a muscle.

  "I'm not going to lecture you," Jamie said. "We just need to talk."

  "I hate those words," Ryan said. "They're always code for 'you screwed up.'"

  Reaching out to squeeze her knee, Jamie said, "Not this time. We've both screwed up a lot of things lately, but everything is repairable."

  Eyes wide, Ryan said, "Shit! This sounds worse than I thought!"

  "Calm down." Jamie tenderly stroked her leg, and looked at her for a moment. "I haven't been doing a very good job of taking care of you."

  "What?" Ryan visibly relaxed and ruffled her partner's hair. "You take better care of me than Da did, and that's saying a lot. You have the house cleaned and my car washed and you make dinner for me almost every night. You come to every one of my games if you're in town. What more could you possibly do?"

  Jamie didn't smile back. She kept her gaze locked on Ryan. "That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the big stuff. Things like making sure you feel secure and safe and protected. I've let you down, baby, and I'm gonna try to do better."

  Ryan looked completely befuddled. "What are you talking about? It's not your job to do things like that. I'm an adult. I have to take care of myself."

  Grasping both of her hands, Jamie squeezed them. "It is my job. It's my job to take care of you and it's your job to take care of me. That's why we're together."

  Still giving her a curious look, Ryan said, "Okay, I agree. But you can't make me feel secure when I'm insecure. I have to work through that kinda thing on my own."

  "No, you don't!" Green eyes were blazing with determination. "That's where you're wrong. You're so wrong! I can help you, but you have to trust me. You have to tell me how you're feeling."

  "I do," she said, not meeting Jamie's eyes.

  "You do not. I didn't know you were only going to your group because I want you to."

  "Rory," Ryan mumbled under her breath. "Can't keep a secret to save his life!"

  "I didn't know you've been unable to sleep when I'm gone."

  "Aisling! She's a traitor, too?"

  "I didn't know something happened at softball practice that made you run away from Coach Roberts."

  "Heather! Jesus, I thought she was intimidated by me. I can't believe she went behind my back!"

  Jamie grasped Ryan's chin and held it tight. "I didn't know you'd gone to a shooting range."

  Ryan's lips pursed, and Jamie said, "American Express. You can't use your charge card if you're doing things you don't want me to know about."

  "I wasn't hiding anything."

  "That's lie, Ryan. A boldfaced lie."

  "It is not!"

  "You went on a night I was away. I'm sure I asked you what you did that night."

  "No, you didn't," Ryan said, looking like she was about to cry. "You turned off your cell phone and went to sleep."

  The words struck Jamie like a knife. She held it together for a moment, then broke down, sobbing piteously. Ryan wrapped her in her arms and rocked her, asking, "What's wrong? What did I do?"

  Jamie shook her head, her tears keeping her from speaking. Finally she gasped out, "Nothing, you big dope! You haven't done anything. I'm the one who's let you down. I should have known your group wasn't helping you. I should have known you weren't sleeping. I should have known you were so ... whatever it was that made you go to a shooting range and spend $50 on ammunition. You wouldn't spend $50 on getting a broken leg set without telling me about it!"

  Ryan disentangled herself and stood up, holding onto the wall for a second to get her balance. "I'm sorry," she said. Her head was hanging down and her voice shook. "I've been trying to fight my way through this, but nothing's working."

  Jamie jumped to her feet and wrapped her arms around Ryan, holding her from behind. "I understand that. That's why you should have talked to me. You should have been telling me all of the little things that have been adding up. All of them. That's why I'm here."

  "I didn't wanna bother you," Ryan said. "Your schedule is as busy as mine. It's bad enough that you've had to travel with me on your few weekends off."

  Jamie grasped her by the shoulders and turned her around so they were face-to-face. "Are we partners, or aren't we? Are the morons who voted for Prop 22 right? Maybe we don't deserve to be married!"

  "What?" Ryan put her hands on Jamie's waist and shook her. "What?"

  "You heard me! Do you want to act like we're dating, or do you love me enough to marry me?" She held up her emerald ring, putting it right under Ryan's nose. "You spent all of the money you had on this ring. What does it mean?"

  "It means I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you."

  Jamie's hands went to Ryan's shoulders and shook her hard. "When things are good, or all of the time?"

  "All of the time. What kind of question is that?"

  Jamie held her tightly and stared into her eyes. "You act like I should only love you when things are good. You want to be there for me when things are bad, but you won't be honest with me when things aren't good for you. That's never going to work, Ryan. I will not marry you if you don't trust me enough to be honest with me. I'm sorry, but I won't."

  Ryan sank to the bed and blinked slowly. She looked utterly stunned. "Jesus Christ. I've never seen you so upset."

  Sitting right next to her, Jamie took her face in her hands. "We have to work on our relationship. If we're not ready to commit to each other in good times and bad, I'm going to postpone the wedding. I won't listen to an empty promise."

  "You're serious? You really mean that?"

  "Deadly. I've never been more serious."

  Stunned, Ryan just stared at her. "What do I do? How do I convince you I'm ready to marry you?"

  "It's going to take some time, and some effort."

  Ryan nod
ded mutely.

  "The first thing we're gonna do is get you some individual therapy. You've got issues from the carjacking that aren't going to go away if you don't get some real help-and your therapy group doesn't seem to be cutting it."

  "Okay. I ... I guess you're right."

  "Then we're going to have some couples therapy. Maybe not right now, but as soon as school's over. We have to work on some things before we get married. I don't wanna put more pressure on you, but we have to agree on how we're going to interact as partners."

  "I'll do whatever you want, Jamie. Just don't give up on me, please!"

  Her eyes were wide with fright, and Jamie put her arms around her and held her tightly. "How can you ask if I'm giving up on you? I love you with all my heart. I just want to make sure that we're happily married, Ryan. We can't be happy if we're not honest ... if we don't trust each other ... if we're not vulnerable with each other."

  "Vulnerable? Jesus! I cry every two seconds. I've never let a woman see me cry like I do you."

  Jamie got up and walked across the room to stand in front of the air conditioner. She felt like she had a fever, but she knew she was just upset. "Here's what you do. You keep things inside until you're ready to explode. Then, something happens and you can't hold it together anymore. Then, you cry. That's not what I'm talking about, Ryan. I need for you to talk to me before you're ready to explode. I need for you to tell me about your fears, about your weaknesses, about the things that you're ashamed to admit. That's what being vulnerable is."

  Ryan looked across the room, her eyes hooded, her expression guarded. "You don't tell me things you're ashamed of."

  Stalking across the room, Jamie dropped to her knees in front of her lover and grasped Ryan's hands. "You wanna know what I'm ashamed of?" Her eyes were nearly glowing with emotion.

  Deeply regretting that she'd asked the question, Ryan nodded slowly.

  "I'm worried that our marriage is gonna turn out like my parents'."

  "What?" The word was so slow and drawn out that it sounded like it had three syllables.

  "I'm ashamed to admit that," Jamie said quietly. "But one of the things that destroyed their marriage was that they didn't talk to each other about the important things. If my father had talked to my mother when he first felt tempted to be with another woman ..." She cast her eyes to the floor, her cheeks reddening.