by Allie Hayden
There was also a book of impressionist paintings sitting on the side table. I picked it up and started admiring the beautiful colors, landscapes, and emotions the artists managed to create with such interpretive brush strokes. These things were why I found a liking towards him: the depths that the world outside didn’t see. Ash Bennett might be a bad boy rockstar, but he was also an art collector and lover of all things contemporary, not to mention a fan of cheesy science fiction movies.
“What are you looking at?” Ash asked, coming up from behind and surprising me.
I slammed the book shut as a reflex, although I realized I had nothing to feel guilty about.
“Just looking at your books,” I replied.
Ash raised his eyebrows.
“Well, I would let you enjoy those books all you wanted, but I finished making fried rice and need a second opinion on the taste. Care to join me?”
“I would love to.”
I took Ash’s hand and I let him lead me to the dinner table. Two steaming bowls of fried rice were waiting for us. And true to his word, Ash made a pretty good fried rice. Much better than what I was expecting, for sure. It was much better than my version.
We took our time eating, joking around, teasing each other. The conversation never strayed too much towards the explicit side of things. That is talk not for the kitchen table, Ash had teased when I made a comment on his lack of advances. Of course, if you want me to take you on the kitchen table, that would be another matter entirely. He said this with a wink, so I knew he was joking. Probably.
I did want him to take me on the kitchen table, although that was the path of thoughts that were particularly distracting, especially when one was trying to have a nice meal. When we finished, I nonchalantly took Ash’s plate to the kitchen, proclaiming that it was only fair I washed up since he did all the cooking. He did not argue with this, retreating to the living room to read something. He looked up at me when I finally emerged from the kitchen after cleaning everything up.
“So, what do you want to do?” he asked.
“What?”
“I asked what you wanted to do. You’re welcome to spend the night if you want, or I can take you back to your apartment. We could also do something if that’s what you’re in the mood for.”
I thought it through carefully. Part of me wanted to stay. I was tempted to spend the night in Ash’s bed, and not for innocent reasons. I knew I could, and no one was going to fault me for it. In fact, we would both enjoy it, but I also knew that it hadn’t been that long since things ended with Sebastian, and I didn’t want that to mess up whatever it was I was having with Ash.
Going that far again tonight…was out of the question.
But that didn’t rule out doing some…other things.
“Hmm…well, Coby has really been missing me,” I said in a teasing tone.
I sauntered towards him with an extra sway in my hips. I enjoyed the way his eyes flicked up then down, and the hitch I heard in his breath.
“But I guess I could stay for a little bit longer.” I looked up at him with puppy dog eyes.
I sat on the armrest facing Ash with eyes burning with desire. He looked me back up and down as I contemplated my next move. I then realized I was the one in control and with all the power. I pressed a finger to Ash’s lips, tracing them with my thumb, parting them ever so slightly. Ash’s hands came up to rest on my hips. I liked how they felt there. I leaned in with my hand now on Ash’s cheek, guiding him to meet me, and then I kissed him.
It was gentle at first, just bare contact, then he opened his mouth, and I opened mine, and everything blurred together. As he held me in place on the armrest, I leaned my weight on his shoulders, teasing his lips with my teeth; his tongue became woven with mine. I worked my way along his jawline, and I peppered little kisses along the way. I grinned in satisfaction knowing the noises Ash was making were his way of telling me he was enjoying it.
It was onto his neck next, a bit of tender teasing, behind his ear, and just below it. I pulled on his earlobe with my teeth so I could hear him sigh. Ash’s hands moved up to grip my waist, and then he pulled me down onto his lap. I could feel him underneath me, already hard even though we didn’t even start yet.
“Do you like that?” I whispered as I continued kissing his neck.
The skin on his neck was so soft, and I found myself becoming addicted to the taste of him.
“Yes. I love that, Lillian,” he sighed.
I came back up to his mouth, and then he took over. He pulled me close against him; his hands ran up my back and cupped my face, guiding me to fit perfectly against him. I could feel a slight bit of stubble on his chin from where it had grown back from shaving. I could taste the spices he had added to the fried rice still on his breath as he held the moment there, a space between our lips, all the while keeping eye contact.
“I don’t think you know how attractive you are,” he whispered, seeming in awe. “In ways that I haven’t ever seen before. Lillian, I’m self-centered, and I still can’t believe you would choose me.”
And then we kissed.
20. (Lillian)
Dreams of Compass Gods was having one more show that week, on Friday night, before they took a break to work on their next album and arrange the tour. And of course, Ash invited me to attend.
“I want you to be there,” he had said. “I want to know you are in the crowd.”
And of course, there was no way I could resist him. No way I could refuse. Not with that voice. Not with the way he was looked at me. Not after that sweet kiss.
So, now it was just me standing in my bedroom, facing myself in the mirror, trying to decide which outfit I would wear. I didn’t have anything nearly as nice as the pieces Sebastian had given me, but I did know how to compliment the shape of my body. I knew what kinds of clothing brought out my best features, the ones most people found attractive.
Since it was a rock show, I decided I would dress the part, so I slipped on a pair of denim cut-off shorts over the lacy red panties I had on. I pulled on a pair of thigh-high socks to keep out the cold and slipped on a tight top that gave me the figure of a Grecian goddess.
It didn’t exactly go with the outfit per se…but I still had Ash’s sweater from when he lent it to me. My only other option was a leather jacket Rebecca loaned me after I told her what my plans were for the evening. I decided I would wear the leather jacket, so I slipped it on as well and looked at myself in the mirror. I clapped my hands together. Not too shabby.
With the whole outfit put together paired with dark, dramatic makeup, the jacket certainly made me look the part. Heck, I could’ve been part of the band—or better yet—another solo artist showing alongside them. As long as I felt powerful and sexy, the outfit I chose was just the accessory to my heightened confidence. I could take on the entire world.
I had to wear the jacket. I knew that now.
So I finished it all off with a pair of boots and then admired myself in the mirror once more, trying to decide if anything was missing. Rebecca walked by then, pausing to mess up my hair a little bit.
“There, now you look like a proper rock chick,” she said, and I had to agree. I looked wild and ready to party.
“Thank you for letting me wear your jacket.”
“Of course. It’s an important night for you, after all. And I was just gonna watch tv shows with Sebastian at his place anyway, so it’s not like I needed it.”
I laughed. “Yeah, he might freak out if you showed up looking like this.” I pointed to the getup I was in.
“He’d certainly wonder if I’d forgotten that we’d had plans and had accidentally gone to another party first, that’s for sure,” Rebecca replied.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me? Ash did say I could bring someone if I wanted to.”
“No, I don’t usually cancel on Sebastian, and I don’t want to start the habit now. Besides, I’m pretty sure Ash wants you alone.”
I couldn’t help b
ut giggle at the suggestion behind the words. “Well, have fun watching TV with Sebastian then. I think my cab is here.”
I waved goodbye to Rebecca as I made my exit from the apartment. The cab was waiting across the street to take me to the venue. I was then reminded of another time, when I first went to one of Ash’s shows to photograph him, having been completely entranced. Never in my life would I have imagined that I’d end up going again, but this time—as his girl.
…
It was dark when the cab pulled up a ways from the venue. The city lights were bright around me, which blinded me in contrast. There were so many people lined up and waiting to go in, all looking like they belonged in dark, distressed clothes. Some had hair as colorful as a meadow, others’ bodies were covered in art—jewelry and tattoos alike. Tonight, I was just one of the many amongst them. With a nod to the security guard, I strode to the front of the line.
People were already filing into the building, and my heart was in my throat as I tried to find a place to stand, wanting to be closer to the stage this time. There was no need to stand in the back because I wasn’t going to be taking pictures this time. No, tonight was just all about watching the show.
When all of the audience was inside, the lights dimmed and the band filed out onto the stage to the cheers of the crowd. But I couldn’t hear a single thing but the beat of my heart pounding in my ears, the thought that Ash was here, somewhere, in the venue.
“Ash,” I breathed.
The word was lost as the first note was played on the guitar, and Ash held the microphone close to his lips and began to sing. I was reminded of the reason I had fallen for him in the first place. The way his voice sounded, like waves crashing on the shore, how his hair fell just so perfectly into place...and the passion in his eyes. His translucent skin and sharp cheekbones paired with the lights really did make him seem to be from somewhere other than Earth, other than this plane of mundane existence. And the fervor with which he sang, with which he moved. I couldn’t help but imagine those hands on me again, holding me.
It was all over too soon; the show passed over me like a wave, and then it faded away as Dreams of Compass Gods played their last song for the set and thanked their fans. There were calls for an encore, but the band was already exiting, and the vibe in the place changed immediately. With the lights down and the music playing, it felt as magical to me as a clearing in a moonlit forest. Now…there seemed only to be the traces of magic left, just a sprinkling of fairy dust.
Eager to find the magic again, to extend the wonders of the night, I pushed against the flow of the crowd and headed backstage. Security knew me by now, and so they let me through without question. I found my way to the band’s dressing room; it was cracked open, but I knocked anyway.
There was a thrill that shot through me when I heard Ash’s singsong voice say, “Come in.”
With a hand pressed against the door, I pushed it open, and after coming into the light of the room, I was met with the suggestive glances of Ash’s bandmates.
“I thought I saw you in the crowd,” he said, “but you looked so punk, I couldn’t tell if it was you.”
He was across the room in a couple of strides, looking me over with a practiced eye.
“I didn’t know you owned a leather jacket. I would have thought it too harsh for you, but it works.”
“I don’t, actually: own a leather jacket, that is. My roommate let me borrow hers for the occasion.”
“Well, you look stunning in it.” Ash brushed a stray piece of hair away from my face, and for a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but then one of his bandmates whistled at us.
“Get a room, would you, Bennett?”
“Of course, of course, all in due time,” Ash threw a laugh back over his shoulder, and then turned his attention back towards me.
“Shall we get going?” he asked.
“That sounds wonderful.”
Ash took my hand, and in spite of everything we had done, I still felt a tingling all over. Ash led me through the hallways, aiming for the back exit, his pace quick and eager, but we were stopped by a couple of girls waiting around the corner.
“Ash!” one of them crooned, walking towards us, her hips were swaying. “It’s been too long, honestly. Who’s the new girl?” She pointed at me as she said this, and I found myself shrinking behind Ash.
The two of them were intimidatingly beautiful. They had the same kind of beauty as Ash, all sharp features and skin of almost unnatural colors. The first one had skin so dark, she seemed to be night herself, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if she had stars for freckles. The second girl was so pale, I could make out the blue in her veins. They were both dressed in the style of the place, and it only complimented their beauty even more.
With girls like these around, I didn’t know why Ash even paid an ounce of attention to me.
“We haven’t played for a while,” the second said, coming forward to meet us, linking arms with her counterpart. “And I’ve been getting bored of everything else. Do you want to come play with us tonight, Ash?” She said his name like it was honey, sweet and sugared.
“Come play with us, Ash.” The other said his name like it was a dark wine, and she tugged on his sleeve with a coy smile. “You’re welcome to bring along your shy little companion.”
“She’s cute,” the second agreed. “She looks like she would be fun too. Come on, Ash, let’s play.” She grabbed his sleeve now, too, and I could feel a sense of anxiety building up inside me.
So far, Ash had done nothing to stop their advances. He even seemed to be…enjoying it. Had I merely been a distraction while he waited for these two to get bored and come back? And then there was the matter of the type of world he lived in…I felt insecure.
I pushed the thought away, not allowing myself to get too dragged into it. He was a rockstar, a rockstar. His world was filled with drugs and sex, and all manner of other things. I knew he got high, and I watched him flirt shamelessly with every woman in sight, even if he hadn’t been showing that side of himself to me as much recently.
Unpleasant thoughts came flooding through my mind, and I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. I ripped my hand from Ash’s grasp, and I could already feel the tears coming from my eyes. I rushed towards the exit of the building, just before catching the faint words of one of the girls saying, “What’s her problem?”
Unpleasant thoughts were rushing through my mind, and I imagined Ash shrugging, going home with the two of them, doing whatever it was the three of them usually did; maybe getting high and having sex. For god’s sake, I wouldn’t know, nor did I care!
But. Honestly, I did. And that hurt more than anything.
I barreled my way out the back exit, almost not noticing the heavy rain outside. The clouds were thick when I left my apartment, but the forecast didn’t say anything about rain, and I was woefully unprepared. I didn’t care anyway. I just needed a taxi to pick me up right now.
But first, I wanted to get farther away, far away from these people, this place, and the insecurity it was forcing me to feel. As I was turned to run farther up the street, someone grabbed my arm and whirled me around, crushing me to a solid chest that smelled faintly of marijuana and tobacco. There was also a deeper amber scent that was so very familiar.
“Please don’t do that ever again.” There was a voice that whispered into my hair, and I recognized it as Ash’s. He sounded like he was about to cry. “At least tell me what’s wrong first. Please.”
I thought about it: all of it. Why I stopped playing piano, what happened after Sebastian and his family moved away, and why all of it was just a prequel to the things that were in my life now. I began to sob into Ash’s chest: huge sobs racked through my entire body.
“Baby doll…I didn’t realize it was so serious. Come on; we should get out of the rain.” Ash hugged me even more tightly to his chest, then let me go so that we could search for somewhere to stand that was drier than the middle of the sidew
alk.
There were some alcoves on the outside of one of the buildings, and Ash pulled me into one of them, giving me the space I needed to breathe and talk, but keeping me close all the same. Just having him near was a comforting feeling. I had begun to associate a sense of safety with him in the short time we spent together recently.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Ash asked, cupping my cheek with his hand, gently guiding me to make eye contact with him.
“I—” Not quite sure how to start, I stammered with the words.
Should I start with explaining my apprehensions? Should I demand to know who those girls were? It didn’t seem right, given that there had been no discussion of exclusivity, or really anything of the sort to merit that kind of reaction from me.
Ash must have seen the defeat on my face. I was fighting the conflicting emotions warring inside me.
He began to stroke my hair and whispered, “Shhhh, it’s alright. You can tell me whatever.”
“Those girls—” I began but broke off, not knowing if I should continue.
“Them? You don’t need to worry about them. We had some things together in the past, but I don’t plan on doing that anymore.”
“It’s not—it’s not just that.”
“Okay, then what is it? What are you worried about?”
I turned my face away from him, no longer being able to look him in the eye as I explained my query.
“Your world is so different from mine,” I started. I held up a hand for silence when I saw Ash’s open mouth wanting to interject. “There are things…things in my past that I don’t know if I can share with you yet, but they make me wary, and there are things that you do, that you’re a part of, that bring back their memories.”
“What can I—”
“Nothing! I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I’m so afraid that you’re going to end up hurting me, that you’re going to end up breaking my heart, or something even worse than that. And I know you’re going to say you’re not, but my memories keep telling me you will.”
