by Allison
He was restless all day, work barely able to maintain his concentration. Finally, at three o’clock, he called Jeremy. “Hey. How are you?”
“I’m fine. How are you?”
Craig’s chest constricted. Jeremy seemed distant. I wonder if he’s freaking out about the other night. “Good actually. I wondered if you wanted to get together for dinner. I have some news.”
“Um, well…sure. I guess that would be all right.”
Craig took a deep breath. He knew Jeremy too well not to sense something was really wrong. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, fine, but we need to talk.”
The tightness in his chest increased. I don’t like where this is headed. “Ok—ay. Um, would you like to meet at the same restaurant we ate at before, Thai on Two?”
“Sure. I’ll meet you at five-thirty. Does that work?”
“That’s fine.” Craig waited to see if Jeremy would say anything else. After a few moments of silence, he continued. “So I guess I’ll meet you at five-thirty.” He clicked his phone shut and stared at it. Jeremy didn’t sound like himself at all. Instead of bubbly and talkative, he seemed subdued and overly quiet.
Craig found Jeremy already sitting at a table when he arrived at the restaurant. He walked over and took a seat. His heart pounded behind his ribs and each pulse throbbed in his ears, muffling his ability to hear. He didn’t have a chance to say hello before Jeremy started right in. “I’m sorry about how I sounded on the phone, but I talked to Andrew last night about…you know. I wanted us to talk face-to-face.”
Craig watched Jeremy fidget with his hands, fold and unfold his napkin, tap the table with the base of his knife. He didn’t meet Craig’s gaze. “I figured you had something big to talk about. Are you okay?”
He continued where he left off as if he hadn’t heard Craig’s question. “The conversation went surprisingly well. Andrew apologized for being such a distant boyfriend. He said he had lost sight of what was important, but during the weekend at the convention he had time to think and reprioritize the things which mattered to him; specifically me.” Jeremy took a sip of his water. “On Friday, while you and I talked about Andrew, I began to piece together my thoughts and had prepared to confront 145
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him when he came home. Out of the blue, Andrew expressed everything I’ve been wanting to hear for years now.”
Craig smiled even though his insides churned. On a small level, he was genuinely happy for Jeremy. He deserved someone to treat him with love and adoration. A bigger part of him had to work to hold the wave of sadness filling his gut, crowding his ability to focus. I want to be the person who makes him feel loved and adored. He pushed the thought from his mind, taking in a few deep breaths to calm himself. “That’s a good thing. I’m happy for you.”
Jeremy’s lips curved up into a smile, but his face didn’t light up. “Yes, it is a good thing, but Craig, this runs deeper than a good conversation.” He shifted in his seat and took another sip of his water. “I also told him about what you and I…did.”
“I figured you would. You’re an honest guy and wouldn’t keep something like that hidden.” Craig still couldn’t figure out why Jeremy seemed so uncomfortable. Nothing he said seemed out of the ordinary.
“He understood; he was hurt, but he understood he had been pushing me away for some time now.” Jeremy’s seemed to be straining, trying to hold himself together, but a he couldn’t hide the sadness in his eyes.
“That’s good too.” Craig’s confusion increased. “I don’t understand what the problem is. You said we had to talk.”
Jeremy bit his lower lip. “Andrew asked me if I wanted to be with you again.”
Craig’s held his breath. What Jeremy says next will define how we move forward. Heat flooded his body, beginning in his stomach and radiating out to his fingers and toes. He forced himself to remain silent and still. Jeremy had to be the one to say whatever needed to be said. Craig had already made his choice.
“He said he’s seen me light up since you and I reconnected.” For the first time in the conversation, Jeremy’s eyes locked on Craig. “But, that’s the problem. When I’m with you, something inside comes to the surface; a part of me I remember from my childhood, a courage I had forgotten. I can’t tell you how glad I am you reminded me of who I used to be, but I’m not a fifteen-year-old kid anymore and I can’t put myself in a situation where I’m going to be conflicted about something as important as my relationship with Andrew. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. So I told Andrew the truth.
I don’t want to be with you again. And in theory, I don’t. But sitting here with you right now, I do.”
A whirlwind of thoughts went through Craig’s mind. Friday night had been a heat-of-the-moment thing, a mistake. He had felt guilty as well. But Jeremy’s strength had always come from his courage, and Andrew had caused him to forget himself. With Robert out of his life, a big part of him had hoped Jeremy might want to finish his journey of rediscovering himself, but to do it with Craig by his side.
Jeremy’s words made sense, but hurt. “Jeremy. The last few weeks have kind of been emotionally charged for us. I totally get what you’re saying about remembering yourself. I had forgotten who I used to be too. With you back in my life, I’m 146
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remembering things and reclaiming myself, but you’re right, we’re not fifteen-year-old kids anymore. We have self-restraint and can handle this.”
Jeremy shook his head. “Don’t you understand? When we’re together, that fifteen-year-old kid comes back and being around you, I don’t think I can control myself. If I’m going to give things an honest shot with Andrew, I have to take some time away from you and focus on the relationship.”
Craig felt his whole world shrink in around him as a sense of claustrophobia surrounded him. Breathing became labored, his heart beat painfully in his chest, his tongue ran dry. All of the feelings when he had first learned that Jeremy was moving to Arizona, feelings he had fought to suppress and pack away so they could never hurt him again, unleashed within him and flooded to the surface.
Jeremy had returned into his life and given him the courage to stand up for himself, and now he was losing him all over again. All of the emotions he’d had when Jeremy moved to Arizona rushed to the front of his mind, opening old wounds. His eyes began to burn, his vision blurring with tears.
Jeremy’s eyes misted over as well. “I’m so sorry, Craig. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but I have to do what I think is right. Right now, I need to focus on Andrew and I can’t when I want…when I’m around you.”
Anger flared up inside Craig. A heated, raging fire, burning at him from the inside out, searing away the pressure pushing in at him. But it was a flame that burned itself out, using all its energy before it could take hold. Jeremy wasn’t purposefully hurting him. As much as he wanted to kick, scream, beg, to do anything to make Jeremy choose a different path, that was a burden he had to bear, not Jeremy. Determined to make this as easy as possible for Jeremy, Craig managed to push his anger and sorrow aside. Hold it together for a few minutes longer. You can fall apart later. He wiped his eyes and took a few deep breaths through his nose, masking his sorrow by crinkling his brow to simulate deep thought. “I understand. I want you to be happy and if you and I can’t spend time together, I can respect your choice. I hope one day, when things settle for you, we can still be friends.”
Craig’s body sagged in his seat, all of his strength drained. The few words he had communicated to Jeremy had been the most difficult he had ever spoken, but he couldn’t remember a time when he had been more selfless. Jeremy had picked Andrew and didn’t need the added pressure of dealing with Craig’s misery. It was a long shot to think he would choose me anyway.
A tear spilled down Jeremy’s cheek. Craig had an urge to reach across the table and wipe it away, bu
t held his hands in his lap.
Jeremy took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “Thank you for being so understanding. I hope, in time, we can be friends too.”
Their meals came and they ate in silence. The meal consisted of pushing their food around their plates. After what seemed like an enormous and uncomfortable length of 147
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silence, Jeremy spoke again. “So what happened when Robert got home? Did you talk to him?”
Craig found talking about Robert grounded him. Anything to take the focus off the emptiness growing in his chest, in his gut, threatening to fill him completely. At least he had an object to direct his anger at. “I was nervous, but the way Robert had acted made the entire encounter much easier than I expected.” Craig smiled as he pictured himself laughing at Robert. “The conversation was ugly, but I’m happy I stood up for myself after all these years.”
“What happened?” Jeremy’s voice became stronger and more self-assured, as if the deflection from focusing on the two of them helped him to speak with greater ease as well.
“He came home and wanted to have sex right away.”
Jeremy tensed, as if he were angry.
“I held him off,” Craig went on, “saying we had to talk and he got irritated with me.” Jeremy seemed to relax a bit. “Finally I blurted out what happened between us Friday night and he exploded. At first I thought he might hit me, but instead he said no one makes a fool of Robert Howell.”
Jeremy laughed nervously. “Did he actually refer to himself in the third person?”
Craig wasn’t sure, but it seemed like he was watching him a bit too carefully, as if he were trying to read him. The words Jeremy spoke seemed normal enough, so he stopped over-analyzing and continued. “He did. And I laughed at him. I actually laughed in his face.”
“Shut up. You didn’t.” Jeremy’s smile widened, the first sign of brightness he had shown.
“I did and every time I think about it, I remember his expression. Finally, after about three rounds of him becoming angry and teetering on the verge of hitting me, he became oddly calm and told me to pack my shit and get out. I had already called Janet, so I had a place to go, but I need to get the rest of my stuff by this weekend.”
“What? He kicked you out?” Jeremy’s smile was replaced with an expression of concern.
“Don’t worry. Janet has an extra room and she’s wanted me to break things off with Robert forever, so she’s happy to help me out. I can stay with her as long as I like.”
Relief settled over Jeremy’s face. Craig had expected the death of his eight year relationship to overwhelm him with sadness or grief, but in the retelling, all he felt was freedom; pure liberating freedom.
Jeremy pushed a piece of food from one side of his plate to the other. “So you laughed in his face. I wish I had been there.”
“I shocked myself.” Craig replayed the moment in his mind, a weak chuckle escaping from him. Mimicking Robert, he repeated his words. “No one makes a fool of 148
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Robert Howell. Who says something like that?” Craig chuckled some more, but there was little happiness behind it.
Jeremy laughed with him, but he seemed tired. He put his fork down and faced Craig. “Thank goodness you have a place to stay.”
Craig smiled. “Yeah. I have some pretty good friends.” He sat quietly for a few minutes thinking about how different his life was today compared to yesterday.
Jeremy moved food around his plate a little longer without eating. “Well, I’m done.
I guess we should pay the bill and head out.”
Craig’s control over his emotions faltered. He had no idea when he would see Jeremy again, if at all. He desperately wanted to postpone the moment of departure as long as possible. “Wait. You said Andrew came home and had changed his whole outlook. Did he tell you what caused him to realize he had taken you for granted?”
Jeremy froze, staring at him with wide eyes. “He did.”
“And…” Craig felt a twinge of aggravation. He didn’t understand why he had to drag this out of Jeremy.
“I’m going to tell you, but I want you to prepare yourself to hear some unpleasant information. I’m not sure I should bother since you said you and Robert are over, but if the roles were reversed, I’d want someone to tell me.”
“Tell me what?” Craig’s anxiety flared.
“Andrew told me Robert and he had sex on Friday night. The next morning Robert said they should dump us because they would make a powerful couple, or some shit like that.”
The anger he had suppressed roiled to the surface. How could Jeremy sit there telling him that he and Andrew were going to work on things when he just told him Andrew had fucked Robert? It made no sense. Instead of standing up and walking out of the restaurant, instead of reaching across the table and grabbing Jeremy by his shirt to shake some sense into him, instead of bursting into tears, Craig buried all of his feelings, bottling them up and corking the top. The emptiness which had been filling him earlier was still there, but instead of feeling like a threatening void, now it felt like a blissful comfort. His next words, the tone of his voice, reflected his sense of controlled impassion. “That sounds like Robert. He fuckin’ cheated? I knew he was a bastard, but I never thought—” What did I think? He’s probably cheated tons of times before.
“Are you all right? You look like you’re a million miles away.”
Craig lifted his gaze and faced Jeremy. “I’m fine and even more sure I made the right decision.”
“I’m so sorry, Craig. You don’t think…do you think he might have been stupid and put you at risk for…diseases?”
He and Robert had gotten tested after they had been together and monogamous for six months. Exposure to disease was certainly a concern, but he doubted he needed to worry. One thing he knew for sure about Robert was the most important thing in the 149
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world to him, next to money, was himself. “He would never do anything to endanger himself so I think I should be fine, but you make a good point. I should probably get tested to make sure.”
Jeremy’s tension melted away. He seemed to be as comforted by Craig’s confidence as Craig. “You’re not mad I told you, are you?”
“No, of course not. Friends do that for one another, right?” Craig wondered if the two of them would ever be friends again.
Jeremy looked at him. “Yes. They do.”
The waiter approached the table with the bill. Craig threw his card down before Jeremy had a chance. “Let me get this.” He paid and the two of them walked outside.
He gave Jeremy a hug, headed down Second Avenue, and turned the corner.
Once he had turned the corner, he took a few more steps, then grabbed hold of the railing lining on of the building stoops, his breath coming in ragged gasps. Tears began to flow down his cheeks as he tried to regain some semblance of control over himself.
He had put Jeremy’s needs before his own and didn’t regret his choice. Jeremy was too special to have to face added guilt.
But the sense of loss, of losing Jeremy yet again, filled him until he could think of nothing else. He was a fifteen-year-old kid chasing a retreating car all over again, only this time, the second time around, it was even more painful. Now that he knew how Jeremy completed him, brought out all of the qualities which he had always counted on growing up, admired in himself, losing him felt like he was losing a piece of himself.
* * * * *
The air had cooled and raised good-bumps where it touched Jeremy’s skin. He watched Craig walk away and stood frozen for another moment after he turned the corner. Craig had been truly understanding, making the conversation easier than he dared hope. The thought of Craig putting his own needs to the side so Jeremy wouldn’t have to suffer weighed on him and he decided to walk for a while to reflect on his conversation and to
clear his head. Relief should have been the emotion filling him, having done the right thing, but he only registered emptiness, like a part of him had gone missing. He couldn’t be around Craig. The whole weekend, his only thoughts centered on kissing Craig, grinding against him, the sweet-salty taste of Craig in his mouth. He had even masturbated imagining what would have happened if they hadn’t stopped at oral sex. He couldn’t have those thoughts in his mind if he wanted to make things right with Andrew. Ten minutes into his walk, his mind more cluttered, not less, he decided to hail a cab.
When he got home, Andrew sat by the table overlooking Central Park. Jeremy’s breath caught in his chest. Andrew normally came home much later. Before Jeremy could take another step, Andrew crossed the room and grabbed him in a hug, kissing him sweetly on the mouth. “Hey, baby. I missed you.”
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Jeremy smiled and gave Andrew a kiss back. “I met up with Craig to tell him we couldn’t spend time together anymore, at least for a while.”
Andrew tensed. “You didn’t have to do that. I trust you. And you I are going to work on this.”
Jeremy put a hand on the side of Andrew’s face. “I appreciate your trust, but I think this is for the best.”
Andrew leaned his face against Jeremy’s hand, turning his head to kiss the inside of Jeremy’s wrist. He ran his hands along the trim torso, pulling Jeremy down onto his lap and capturing his mouth in a soft, languid kiss. Jeremy didn’t resist, but his focus wasn’t on Andrew. An image of Craig turning the corner outside the restaurant filled his mind and kissing Andrew held no appeal for him.
Andrew pulled out of the kiss, leading Jeremy to the bedroom, and laying him flat.
