by Robyn, Amy
“You know I need to do this. She was sick and I was not there for her. I want to help her now.” He kisses my cheek.
“I know. I would be there in a heartbeat if she let me. I will never love another woman.” That is what breaks my heart the most. They both love each other, but some wounds never heal. My dad was unfaithful and mom couldn't live with him afterward. He destroyed her trust and without trust there is nothing.
“I know dad. I want to ask you about the affair if you are willing to talk about it?” He nods his head. I can tell it is the last thing he wants to do. I love him even more for his willingness.
“Did you think you loved that other woman? Why would you take that chance and lose mom?” Tears fill his eyes.
“I did not love Teresa. I loved your mother fiercely. I was weak and lonely and Teresa took advantage of my vulnerabilities. I am not saying I was innocent because I am far from that. It only happened once but I could never convince your mother of that. I had already destroyed her trust.” I shake my head.
“Why do you continue to act like that. Different women every month or so. It's as though you just don't care anymore.” A tear slips down my cheek.
“It's because I care too much, that I can't commit to one women. I am still madly and irrevocably in love with your mother. I try to find what we had and it all pales in comparison.” He pauses for a moment.
“This boy you talk of that hurt you. You should talk to him while you are there. He may be a different person.” Crap. Why'd he have to bring this up. I don't want to discuss this at all.
“We'll see.” Not happening, I think to myself. We hug and say goodbye. I will miss him fiercely. No matter how difficult it is to watch his self destructive behavior. He is and always will be my dad. I hope someday he finds happiness again. I hop in my car and start my journey home. A place I never thought to return.
***
It has been two years of hell. Two years of utter and complete despair. Not for one second have I forgotten about Kristen. She is with me day and night. When I'm at home by myself, I talk to her as though she is there. I know that I'm close to losing it. I use my gift far too much and I am starting to hear voices in my head. Well, one anyway. The voice in my head is hers. I love it and hate in equal measures. I love it because I can hear her again and I hate it because it makes me crave her all the more. When I dream at night, I dream of her screaming 'I hate you', over and over again. I wake crying and groping for her only to come up empty. The dream is like watching my own death on repeat.
Everything is her. I want to hate her for doing this to me, but I know I'm the one to blame. I caused the love of my life to hate me. I have to live with that. Try it sometime. It's not easy. I just want one more chance. I pray to the gods for just one more chance. I want that first kiss. I want that first touch that makes you crave a thousand more. I just want. I will always want.
I get to my parent's house around eleven for a barbecue. I used to love coming to my parents house, now I hate it. I have to pretend that everything is great when in reality I am beginning to lose my mind.
My mother and brother Aaron are the only people who know what happened. I think Jenna knows from walking the veil. She gives me sad looks when she thinks I can't see.
Fuck, I really don't want to deal with this. I walk in and go to the kitchen where all the women are gathered, cooking. My sister in law Ashley is sitting at the table as Gage hovers. Ashley is five months pregnant. You can just barely tell now with the tiny baby bump. We are having a huge celebration because we just found out she is having a girl. The gods have blessed their union, indeed.
Girls are rare with Psions. Nobody knows why that is. When a girl is born, it is celebrated by the entire Psion community. People are coming in from all over the world to celebrate with us. All of my cousins will be coming soon. Tonight is just immediate family, but in a weeks time this place will be packed. Despite my “condition”, I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.
I walk over to Ashley and kiss the top of her head. She turns to me with a big smile.
“Hey Graham.” She says.
“Hey sweetie. Is my brother taking good care of you?” Gage growls. He is so easy to rile up.
“Don't flirt with my woman. Go get your own.” I flinch slightly, but none of them notice, thankfully. They all think I am this huge player. If only they knew. I haven't had sex in two years. Worse, I can't even get it up, to pleasure myself. My dick knows it got us in trouble and he's in hiding. Not that I care. I have absolutely zero drive since she left.
I tried hanging with the guys for a while after she left but all they want to do is get laid. They would throw women at me and that is the last thing I want. I started hanging around a girl I made friends with at a cooking class I took. I take all kinds of classes to distract me from the loneliness.
Her and her friends think I'm gay, because one night they got naked and danced in front of me and I didn't even bat an eye. Samantha went as far as to grab my cock and when he stayed down, she assumed it was because I am gay. I didn't fight the rumor. It was easier to have people think I'm gay then to explain that I'm broken inside. Believe me, I am broken.
“I'll do that later, bro.” Not at all. I plan to go home and cook a new dish to give to Sam. That girl can't cook for shit. Thankfully her fiance can.
“I bet you will. You know what mom says about that. I would listen. I don't know what I would have done if I had lost Ashley.” He cups her face and I swallow back any retort.
I walk away. It is getting more and more difficult to carry on the facade. What do you do when you lost everything, including your will to live? I should take my own life before my brothers have to bear that burden. It will be necessary soon. A Psion who takes his life is not considered a coward as they are in human society. It is considered honorable. For if you lose your mind and start praying on the humans then it is up to your oldest sibling to hunt you and put you down.
It is a burden I do not wish to give Aaron. My time has come. I will need to act soon. I will wait until after the celebration and say my goodbyes then. I know this will be painful for all of them, but far less than if they had to do it themselves.
I walk out onto the back porch to see Aaron kissing Sarah under the awning. I feel the punch in the gut as I see happiness all around me. Arms wrap around me.
“She's coming back.” Jenna says as she presses her face into my back. I turn around.
“Who is coming back?”
“Kristen.” she says. I fall to my knees in front of her. I can't hold myself up anymore. She kneels in front of me.
“Her mother is sick. She thinks she's better, but there's still a long recovery ahead. She will need you.” I can't believe what I am hearing. My face feels wet. I reach up. Shit, I am crying. Jenna wraps her arms around me.
“What do I do? Tell me please, Jenna. I can't lose her again.” Hope, I feel it again. I have not felt hope in two years. Hope can come in two forms. It can either help build you back up or there is false hope. When you hope for something that will never happen. I want what I should have had three years ago.
“Do not go with a girl named Samantha to the mall in the morning. Give her this card.” She hands me a card of a dress designer.
“Tell her she has an appointment tomorrow at ten. It is a present from you. Then go to the mall alone and be in front of the bridal boutique at ten. Do not be late.” She says. She goes distant and I know she is walking the veil. When she comes back she is smiling.
“You have it handled from there. It will still not be easy but trust your judgment.” I kiss her forehead and hug her tight.
“You have saved my life.” I tell her honestly.
“I know.” She gives me that sad look again. She has to know about the decision I had made to end my life.
“I wouldn't have had a choice.” I say as I watch tears fall from her eyes.
“I know that too.” She whispers. I look up and notice a crowd around us. My mom is cryi
ng and Aaron has a big smile on his face.
“Now we have more to celebrate.” Aaron says. I know this has been stressful for him. The rest look confused. Aaron pulls me to my feet and hugs me.
“If you need any advice on what to say to her..”
“Don't ask him.” Gage interrupts Aaron, and Sarah laughs and nods. I laugh. It's the first genuine laugh I have had in two years. I should say three really, because when I was denying my connection to my One I had been miserable, though too stubborn to admit it. I will do whatever it takes to win Kristen. I denied fate once, and I will always feel the burn.
Mom pulls me into her arms and hugs me then slaps the back of my head. I suck in a breath and rub my head.
“Never ever hurt that girl again.” I drop my head in shame.
“I won't mom. I promise.” I am going to worship at her feet. She will never feel anything but pleasure and love from me.
“I know you won't. I think you, more than anyone knows to treasure your One like the gift she is.” My mom squeezes me once more and then turns back and starts ordering people to do things to prepare for the celebration. Everyone thinks this is in the bag. Honestly I am not ready to celebrate until she is in my arms.
We have a nice dinner and everyone is drinking except two of the women. I look over at Sarah and wonder if they will be announcing a pregnancy soon. I walk over to Aaron.
“So when is this baby coming.” I beam at Aaron.
“Shhhh, we still aren't sure.” Gage hears us and comes over.
“I can check if you want?” Gage asks.
“Please.” Aaron says. Gage stoops down and puts his hand over Sarah's flat stomach.
“What the.. is he doing?” Sarah asks Aaron.
“He is better than any pregnancy test.” Aaron says to Sarah. Sarah turns red as Gage closes his eyes. It is only a couple of minutes before he turns to Aaron and smiles.
“I hope you're ready daddy. For twins.” Aaron falls back a little and whoops loudly. He picks Sarah up and spins her around. When they stop they are both short of breath and beaming with happiness. Mom comes out.
“What is all this commotion?” She asks, and then stops when she sees the emotions all over Aaron and Sarah's face.
“Are you making me a grandma again?” She asks Aaron.
“Twins mom.” He says with all smiles. My mom squeals like a child in a candy store and hugs them both to her. What a night.
The night dwindles down and I am heading for the door when Aaron comes over to me.
“Take all the time you need to get your one. Don't worry about work. We got you covered. I will only call you in if there is a missing person case.” He gives me a man hug and claps me on the back.
“Thanks Aaron. I appreciate it.” He shakes his head.
“You would do the same for any of us.” I would do anything for my family. I say goodnight and congratulate him again before leaving. I step outside and call Samantha about my wedding gift to her. I swing by her house and drop off the card that Jenna gave me.
I get home and fall into bed. I know sleep will be difficult in coming, but I know I will need it. I try and plan what I will say, but there are so many variables to consider that I end up with a headache. I finally fall asleep around two in the morning and dream of the last time I saw her, only this time I don't leave. It was far more pleasant than it normally is.
Chapter 3.
Kristen
I have only been home for twenty four hours and already we spent the night in the hospital. Mom is still recovering from chemo and ended up with pneumonia. Her immunity is still week and she is very susceptible to infections.
I called dad and he cried. I wish these two would pull it together. I hate that these two will never be happy apart, but have too much pride to admit it. We are finally home and mom is resting.
I sit down and make a list of things we need. Mom's nightgown is threadbare and she need slippers to wear around this drafty house.
I feel horrible that I haven't been here. I shouldn't have stayed gone this long in the first place. I have been heart sick and I know she understands, but she needed me and I was selfish.
I write mom a note to let her know where I will be, so she doesn't worry. I hop in my old Toyota and head to the mall. This is the first time in a long time that I appreciate how beautiful it is here.
The view of the snow topped mountains to the west, green trees everywhere and flowers are blooming everywhere. It smells like honeysuckle and clean air. I take a deep breath and relax into the seat of my car. It really is quite perfect her.
I get to the mall and head for the clothing store closest to the entrance. I have not been here since I was a teenager. I look up at the artistic painting that spans the entire wall. It is pretty the way.... I run into something. I bounce back and realize it is a person.
“I am so sorry I was just..” I look up into familiar blue eyes and the air is sucked from my lungs. I get a little dizzy and world begins to spin around me. Fuck, why did it have to be him? Why does he have to be so beautiful? He pulls me toward him.
“Are you okay? Kristen.” He asks as his eyebrows come together in concern.
“I.. I am fine.” I pull myself together as best I can.
“Where are you heading?” He asks.
“Which ever clothing store I come to first.” I tell him and start to step around him.
“I'll come with you.” He says. Shit, that's the last thing I want. No it's not, says a little voice in my head. I give it a mental middle finger. I shrug my shoulders.
“If you want.” Why oh why does he still smell so good. I wish I could hate him and his womanizing ass.
“Thank you.” He follows me into the store and we talk about some trivial things. Where I went to school after I left and why I have come back. Somehow I think he already knows my mom has been sick. Weird. I grab my mom a soft nightgown and robe set with matching slippers. They are cute. I am on my way to the check out when I see a beautiful locket. My mom's birthday is coming up and that is perfect.
I walk over to it and ask the salesman to pull it out. I raise my hair up.
“Can you help me get this necklace off?” I ask Graham. He turns pale but nods. He has always been a little strange. He pinches the lock and it slides off as Graham hits the ground. He has passed out. I kneel down beside him.
“Graham.” I shake his shoulders. Nothing. Do not panic. I feel around his front pocket for his phone and pull it out. I go into his phone book of course there are tons of women in it. Things never change. I hit call on the dad listing. It only rings once.
“What's up Graham?” A older man's voice comes through.
“This is a friend of his. He passed out at the mall. Should I call an ambulance?” Graham had told me that he has done this many times but, I had never witnessed it. It is frightening. He never told me the cause either.
“Not necessary. Aaron is at the mall right now. Hold on a sec.” I hear him talking to his wife. Telling her to call Aaron.
“What store are you in?” I tell him and before we even hang up a man comes striding in that can only be Aaron. I hang up the phone and see that a text came through from Samantha. I open it without meaning to. Bullshit. It is a picture of a woman in a wedding gown. My heart sinks. He is getting married.
Aaron kneels beside Graham.
“You must be Kristen.” Uh, how did he know that?
“I was standing with him earlier when he saw you coming in.” He says, and pulls Graham into a sitting position. Why should I even care. He is getting married.
“I have to go. Tell Graham that I like the dress his fiance picked out.” I hand him the phone and take off before he can say anything.
***
Graham
Aaron decides he is coming with me. I don't know why he thinks I need his help. Okay so maybe I do. I know I was an idiot before but I would never pull that shit now.
We arrived at the mall ten minutes early and have been watching the en
trances. I see her as soon as she walks in. Holy shit. She is even more beautiful. I mean she has always been a knockout but now she's a knockout with curves. Her chestnut hair is long now, hanging in waves to her hips. She is staring at the paintings on the wall. I put myself in her path.
It is almost like the first time we met. She runs right into me. She apologizes before she even looks up, but when she does, and notices its me, she pales considerably. Those big hazel eyes go round. Crap, she looks as if she is going to bolt. I pull her into me. “are you okay? Kristen?” I ask her as I breathe in her beautiful scent. My cock hardens for the first time in two years. Hallelujah! It isn't broken.
“I....I am fine.” Her voice sounds breathy and that does not help my cock any. If she shifts to the right at all, she will notice it. I pull back some.
“Where are you heading?” I ask, not wanting to leave her presence right now. I hope she doesn't see me as the desperate idiot I am. Just being near her is healing me. It feels so good that the problem in my pants has gotten worse. I feel exhilarated and alive for the first time in years. I want to bask in it as long as she will allow me.
“The closest clothing store.” She shrugs as if she doesn't care, yet her body trembles. I affect her. Why had I not noticed it before. Probably because I didn't want to see. What an idiot I had been. I wish I could go back and bitch slap myself.
“I'll come with you.” Shit, maybe I should have asked her instead of telling her.
“If you want.” Fuck yeah I want. I want badly. I am so tempted to kiss her but I pull myself back and follow her.
We talk as she picks out a nightgown for her mother. Her mother has pneumonia and they spent the evening in the hospital. I wish there was something I could do. She doesn't know this but I have been going to her mother's house every Thursday and helping with things around the house.
I would even grocery shop for her when she would get sick from the chemo. We have become friends. I have explained everything that happened between her daughter and I. I told her I had come back that night to be with her, and she had already left. She said she tried to talk to her about it, but Kristen had banned my name, and anything about me from all discussions. I gave up on that and just helped out when I could.
