by JL Brooks
No one would know who we were or where we came from. We would be two ordinary people, if only for a week. I checked the itinerary relentlessly at work, scoping out tourist information from each port of call. A cruise sounded so lovely and offered the most opportunities to see a lot, if that was what we wanted to do.
This long distance interlude remained idyllic because there were no mundane habits to spoil the mood. A week alone together would be sufficient to know if this would be worth investing more into for the long run. I would manage, that much was for sure. My melancholy would not remain forever; one foot in front of the other, I would soldier on. Yet for once, I did not want to fight; I wanted to lie in bed, tangled in Shepard’s long arms, smelling his skin and tasting his sweet kisses. My hang up about our age difference quickly disappeared. He was far wiser and more mature than most people I knew my age. He was attentive without being overbearing. Either you have those qualities or you don’t. I did discover his little penchant for reading old works of erotica like The Story of O, and Delta of Venus. He never stopped surprising me.
I ignored the hard drive, which I had placed into a safety deposit box for safekeeping. Dealing with something so intricate was a task I was not prepared for. Shepard called me to tell me he would be leaving after his last final and would arrive close to midnight. Our flight left very early the next morning, but I would be driving so he could sleep on the way there. All he knew was that we were traveling to a warm place because of the packing list I gave him. He would need to stop by his house, but that would take mere minutes. Warning him not to come over until then, I knew that once he walked through those doors, the outside world would disappear.
Butterflies began their fluttering deep within my chest with each passing hour. Anticipation was not something I was familiar with. Connor brought a different kind of longing.
Connor – of course that son of a bitch would try to infiltrate this moment. My first love remained a festering disease deeply ingrained in my very being. The thought of my heart opening up to someone else must have awoken the sleeping beast. As adrenaline was starting to course through my veins due to the ghost of the past, I heard the wooden frame of the door crack open with footsteps following it.
He was here.
The rush of elation quickly overtook any guilt that attempted to take me under. My feet hit the floor and rushed to the stairwell. I couldn’t contain the squeal of delight. Two and a half months felt like an eternity.
We met halfway and immediately my nightgown was hiked above my hips where a surprised Shepard found nothing underneath. Quickly loosening his belt and dropping his pants to his ankles, there were no words spoken – just urgent tongues dancing their greeting and hands furiously working to join two hungry bodies. I gasped for air the moment he entered me, grabbing a spindle on the banister for support. Laying flat against the stairs with one leg hiked over his hip, he leaned down by my ear.
“Hi,” one word…
I moaned loudly with each drive forward. His face held a look of satisfaction as I melted beneath him. Fingers lightly grazed my throat, chest and ribcage. The rounded edges of the steps dug uncomfortably into my back, but I dared not make a noise and risk ending this scorching encounter. I was so tightly wound, it did not take long before my body started to shake and my vision was blinded by a kaleidoscope of color. Every nerve in my body buzzed with electricity. I was so sensitive; each touch was almost too much for me to bear. He did this to me. Watching me come apart triggered his release.
Using the stairs as leverage, he quickly came with a few deep grunts before collapsing between my legs. I loved the feeling of him spent inside of me. I had decided to get an IUD after he left to prevent any pregnancies. I knew at some point in time if we were to be serious, he would have to know everything about my past and hopefully understand. I teased him mercilessly on the phone about having me whenever he wanted.
Using his hands to push the damp strands away from my face, he placed fragile kisses on my lips.
“I missed you,” he whispered.
“You missed this; it’s okay.” I winked to indicate I was kidding. He could be so serious; I wasn’t sure how he would take a joke like that, yet.
“Maybe a little, my dear.” As he pulled his lower lip into his perfect teeth before dipping down and kissing me deeply, I sighed in contentment.
“I missed you, too.” My teeth grazed his stubbly chin affectionately. I did miss him. The way his blue eyes stared intensely at all times, how his subtle touches immediately calmed my harried nerves, and how he always knew what to do. The discomfort of being pressed into the stairs was a sheer annoyance compared to the buoyancy I felt inside.
“Let’s go to bed, Shepard. You need your handsome sleep.”
“Whatever. I still think you’re crazy for giving me a chance. I thought I would leave and you would be done with me.”
I knew he was being honest. For a moment I did, too. I still had a few seeds of doubt, but they were not strong enough to shake it.
“No, not done yet by a long shot. You will probably be done with me first, but that is not something I want to talk about. Because in this moment, there is nothing that I want more in the world than to be in bed with you and getting what little sleep we can in the next four hours.”
Shepard stood and extended his hand to assist me before pulling his pants back up, kissing me once again.
“Yes, mademoiselle,” he said while playfully swatting me on the rear and walking past me with a smirk. Underestimating someone can be a dangerous thing; unfortunately, I began to wonder if I had done that with him.
Chapter 7 - A Break in the Clouds
“Can I have a hint?”
Shepard blew on the lid of his travel mug of piping hot coffee while asking the valid question.
“It’s warm,” I said jokingly while glancing for a moment towards him, careful to not take my sight off the road for too long.
He closed his eyes and laughed quietly. He knew there wasn’t a chance in hell I would ruin this surprise for him. We both needed it: a week alone, free of the obstacles that stood in our way. He seemed positively giddy sitting in the passenger seat as we made our way to the Dayton airport. It was four o’clock in the morning and the roads were free of traffic. Large flurries of snow hit the windshield as if we were traveling at Mach speed. Thankfully, it was warm enough they simply melted upon impact. It did not take long to reach the airport and shuttle off to the terminal. The gate agent was entirely too chipper for this early hour. Between her and Shepard, I was already pondering my first drink.
“Identification, please.” Her blinding smile was returned by an enthusiastic slap of plastic by the man next to me. He was dying to know where were going, luckily the flight was only one part of the surprise trip.
“Ooooohhhhhh, San Juan, Puerto Rico, nice! I must say I am a tad bit jealous of you two!”
I turned to watch Shepard light up like a tree and mouth a quiet “yes” while pulling his fist down towards his hip. I couldn’t help but giggle and roll my eyes. This was going to be entertaining.
A few hours later after a transfer in Charlotte, we landed at the edge of American rule. A long line of passengers waited for a taxi, no doubt headed for the same destination. I watched Shepard squirm, but remained mum on our final point of arrival, or departure, I should say. The air was sticky and thick. Palm trees spiked from various locations around the terminal along with other tropical plants. Once it was our turn to hop in the cab, he was no longer in the dark about where we were going.
“PanAm port, please,” I relayed to driver.
“Port? Are we going somewhere else?” Shepard now stared at me in disbelief. I was done with the intrigue. Although I could continue much longer, I decided to let him in on the surprise.
“Yes, we’re going on a cruise. For eight days, you are going to be stuck with me on beaches, in pools, you name it. But at night, we’re going to be confined to an itty bitty room, so I sprung for a balcony. I
hope it’s okay.” I became nervous. I had never even thought to ask him if it made him sick being on boats or open water. Regret began to seep through until his hand reached behind my head and pulled me into a deep kiss.
“It’s perfect! I can rub oil on your sexy back while we’re tanning on the deck. Bend you over the rail while we’re…” He stopped and looked at the driver who was now eyeing us curiously.
We both busted out laughing at our shameless display of affection. I wondered if we had the ability to contain ourselves enough not to get kicked off of the ship. It didn’t take long until we arrived and prepared to set sail. Our luggage was carried up separately while we attended a mandatory safety drill, going over escape procedures, if needed. We stood in the back listening to the prerecorded message while growing hungry and restless. Dinner was thankfully not too far away. After returning to our staterooms and changing into semi-formal wear for the first seating, we headed down to the dining area for our first public meal together.
Shepard held my chair out like a gentleman and kissed my hand before we were introduced to the other couples sitting at our table. One was from Hoboken, New Jersey, and was on their fiftieth wedding anniversary. The other was from Shelbyville, Tennessee, and raised award winning horses. Apparently, they also had kin who ran a bootleg moonshine business and promised to bring a little of the prized hooch to the next dinner.
The conversation flowed freely as well as the wine. Over an hour passed between courses before we realized it was time to retire. It was such a long day and I was exhausted and ready to be alone with him. Shepard ran his hand along my thigh, indicating that he too was ready to go. We excused ourselves from the table and simply held hands in the elevator, sated by a delicious meal and the knowledge we had a whole week ahead of us.
The rest of the evening was not rushed. It was light hearted and sensual, allowing us to take the time to explore each other without hurry. We conversed between caresses, sharing thoughts with gentle kisses.
“Thank you, Violet. This is amazing,” he whispered in my ear while pulling me snugly against him.
“Please, this is the least I could do for everything you have done for me. I am happy I could surprise you.” Even though he couldn’t see my smile in the dark, I was sure he could feel it.
“You’re not the only one who has gotten something they needed out of this. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I needed you, too?”
My heart grew heavy at his declaration. I loved him. I knew that even though I didn’t say it. Every fiber of my being was tied into the man holding me. The messed up part of me kept repeating that I would hurt him, yet the long forgotten goodness within shouted for me to let him love me back. I flipped around so we were chest to chest and slid my arms around his neck to pull him close. I would ignore that dark voice in my head that made me believe I was undeserving of such affection. For one week, he was mine and I was his; there was no room for doubt.
“I need to tell you something, Shepard.”
I paused for a long time during which he remained mute, waiting for what I had to say.
“I have obviously fallen for you – hard – harder than I could have ever imagined. You are magnificent. And I am scared as hell. I could never forgive myself if I ever hurt you. It’s the one thing holding me back and I don’t know how to let go. If I am ever distant, it’s not because you have done something wrong, it’s because I am afraid I will.”
I leaned in and kissed his collarbone, which released the breath he was holding.
“I am pretty sure I am in love with you, Violet, and it’s okay because I know you feel the same way. So let’s just leave it at that. Don’t over think it. You will always find something wrong; it’s the nature of the mind of a scientist.” He laughed while gently chastising me for my endless loop of mental analytics.
I nodded in approval before stopping at what he had said.
“How do you know how I feel? What makes you so sure?” I was relieved at his comments, but at the same time a little confused.
“You talk in your sleep, Violet. You say some pretty strange things. However, last night in bed you rolled next to me and told me that you loved me and you thanked me. You told me how much you miss me and how you dream about me. I thought you were awake for a moment, and then you started mumbling about a hard drive. It was really quick and then you were out again.”
His arms tightened around me as I nuzzled into his neck. The thought that I verbalized my internal thoughts even in sleep scared me more than falling in love. I had too many secrets that couldn’t afford to come out. Once again, I pushed the consequences aside and allowed myself to succumb to the present. I focused on the smell of his skin; with hints of earth, it was fully masculine. Sweat and salt created a fine layer between us, permeating every sense.
“I do love you, Shepard. I know it’s soon, I just can’t help it. It’s been so long since I have let anyone in; I don’t know what to do. I am going to need some help, okay?”
“Just be yourself, Violet. That’s all. The rest will take care of itself. Now sleep.” His lips found mine, signaling the conversation was now over. Despite the revelation of my unconscious musings, I fell deeply into a dreamless void.
The morning sun created the slightest outline through the dark shades. Only the sound of the captain’s notice coming over an intercom let us know what time it was. Both of us refused to move, except towards each other to touch hand against arm or leg. Sleep was a luxury neither of us enjoyed often; the world could wait on us for once.
Chapter 8 - Into the Deep
The week had flown by without warning. Days of sunning on the deck and exploring the colorful seas left us hesitant to return to reality. We had two more days before landing in San Juan. Reminiscing about certain fish we saw while snorkeling or shops we enjoyed filled most of our interactions.
One of our favorite stops so far had been to Williamstad, Curacao. The guidebook I purchased ahead of time told me about the western hemisphere’s oldest synagogue. I was not Jewish, but we both shared a deep respect for history. I mentioned it to Shepard the first day and he was eager to explore the vibrant town with me. After crossing the Queen Emma Pontoon Bridge, we wove our way through the brightly colored buildings and found our way to the house of worship. Upon entering, Shepard was instructed to cover his head with the traditional kippah.
The floors were covered in sand, surrounded by white plastered walls and blue stained glass windows. The furnishings were a gorgeous polished mahogany, while gold and glass chandeliers hung from the ceiling. It was not elaborate, but it was beautiful. Outside, an ancient stone mikvah remained intact although no longer functional. The practice of cleansing oneself spiritually and physically once a month or during certain celebrations while honoring the very being of a woman appealed to me. This age old ritual continued even today among those of the faith. A friend of mine once explained how she would visit an inconspicuous building after each menstrual cycle and immaculately prepare herself for the water, which was ever flowing. Each of her nails had to be clipped a certain way, her body scrubbed clean, and she could not be wearing any makeup or jewelry. A woman inspected her to make sure she had properly prepared herself to enter the sacred pool. She told me the feeling she got once she emerged from the brief submersion in the water was similar to what Christians might equate a baptism to, except she was able to experience it at least once every month and occasionally more often than that. I wished I could feel that clean.
Shepard held my hand as we made our way back to the ship. There was a small bar near the dock where we tasted a few samples of the island’s famous orange flavored liquor. I watched him as he interacted with the small market vendors that were nearby. So full of life and energy, he looked to be in his natural element. He loved to listen, to observe, and to truly understand what another person felt. His empathy was admirable. Stopping to look at me briefly and give a smile, I waved as he returned his full attention to the person he was speaking to. They stood in
front of a mobile wooden cart full of tourist kitsch like little wooden key chains, flags, and necklaces. I didn’t see what he had purchased; I only caught him shaking the vendor’s hand and walking back with a plastic bag and a naughty grin.
I pretended to ignore the bag he placed on the bar while taking the stool next to me, although I was extremely curious. It was narcissistic to think it was for me, then again, I did. He knew it was killing me because he kept looking at the bag and then back to me, chuckling.
“Don’t tease me too much; I have no reservations in cutting you off.” He stopped laughing and went to open the bag, but I reached out to stop him and smiled.
“I am not that cruel, sweetheart.” Popping off my stool to lace my arms around his shoulders, I took in his piercing blue eyes and freckles that were emerging across the bridge of his nose from the sun.
“No, you’re not cruel at all. I don’t think you have a vicious bone in your body. It’s one of my favorite things about you. How do you know what is in the bag isn’t meant to tease you?”
He was looking for an intrigue. My attention went back to the inconspicuous grey shopping bag that didn’t look like it had much of anything in it. I tried to use my index finger to peek inside, but Shepard grabbed my wrist to stop me. Whatever was inside of that bag was building a curiosity within, growing stronger by the moment, and he knew it. Lifting my hand up to his mouth, he gently kissed each knuckle with intention.
“Let me surprise you.”
My knees began to buckle underneath his gaze. His blue eyes deepened as the dark clouds rolled in. The ship’s television station announced we would be sailing through a storm. Noticing I was looking at the sky nervously, he gently tugged me towards the path leading back to the dock.
