by JL Brooks
Wine bottles and balled up tissues littered the otherwise spotless hotel room. My bottle of Valium sat on the edge of the counter, begging to be opened to dive back into the abyss. When tragedy strikes, you always think it cannot get any worse; then you find that it can. Connor-fucking-Lewis. What a piece of shit...but really, I am no better. Looking out upon the crisp white landscape, I cannot help but revisit the last time I left here, and how I was just as broken then because of him.
I stopped smoking years ago, but I suddenly had the urge to light up and pull the thick air deep into my lungs. I ruthlessly brushed my teeth until blood mingled with the remaining wine in the bottom of the sink. Even the most basic act of hygiene had become sadistic. I knew what I had to do and it did not make me happy. This demon would not leave peacefully, so it had to be dealt with head on. The understanding that I could not drink for a while already made me want nothing more than to find the nearest bar. I allowed myself half a sedative to get though the rest of the day, detoxing everything else from my poor liver. I felt nauseous driving to the airport while memories flooded my brain with sadness.
I was pregnant then. I went to tell Connor when I caught him with her. I was so angry with him. My hand rested across my abdomen. He knew now...if I were able to get pregnant, I wondered if life would have tried again, and if so, the outcome. It was like watching a movie that didn’t seem real. Looking down at my hands, I half expected to see the bright crimson glow of something not meant to be, but they were clean, as they should be. Just like then, I had to wash away regret and move on. My fingers reached for the missing necklace, finding nothing but bare skin. More tears poured from the corners of my eyes. If there was anyone worth destroying myself over, it would be Shepard. He would have been so ashamed of me.
Chapter 28 - Life Raft
A month had passed since I arrived back in Chicago. That morning, I performed one last pap smear on myself to ensure that I hadn’t contracted anything again from Connor. I had mastered the position to comfortably insert the speculum and shine the light and mirror to obtain the sample. Checking my own slides kept the indiscretion private. My obsessive nature over the situation forced me to rub my skin raw daily under near boiling water, I was never clean enough. The sterility of the lab was the only sense of comfort I felt.
I didn’t hear Alessa walk in the room; I only knew someone was there from the sensation of the negative air pressure created when she opened the door. Remaining fixated on the computer screens, my fingers typed furiously at the endless codes. She took the seat next to me and waited until I acknowledged her presence. I wasn’t trying to be intentionally rude; I just no longer gave a shit about anything. My head dropped as I pulled the small white buds from my ears. No matter how loud I turned up the music, it was never enough to drown out my inner demons.
I didn’t look at her; I knew why she was here. It was only a matter of time before someone figured out what I was doing. The blessing and the curse of working here was that no one questioned my actions. The sequencing before me was a simple compound. If administered intravenously, it would take mere seconds to travel through my blood stream and cross the blood brain barrier, triggering a massive dopamine explosion. I could die a coward in bliss. Like a cat, I could crawl away into a dark place and let go.
Rubbing the cracked dry skin on my knuckles, I watched as they started to bleed from dehydration. Not a drop of alcohol was in my system; I felt every agonizing emotion keeping me pinned on my back.
“Violet, we have to talk. I think you need a break. We all do.”
I turned my head slightly to her small voice. “I like how everyone always seems to know what’s best for me.” I laughed slightly at the irony.
“We just care about you, I care about you. I called your sister and bought you a ticket down to Key West. You’re leaving in a few hours; let’s go pack your bag.”
“What about here? I can’t just leave.” That was a blatant lie. Looking at the screen, she wasn’t a chemist but she knew it wasn’t good. I was stupid to think that Beacon didn’t have someone monitoring the computers in the lab. “Am I being let go?” I asked flatly.
“Violet, of course not. You think Gladstone is going to give up his golden child? He doesn’t know. Kimberly saw the algorithms trigger an alarm. Everyone thinks it’s just because of your grandma. She called me so you don’t get into trouble. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. Were you really going to leave me just like that?” Her expression was grieved. Depression was a selfish bastard I would never fully understand.
My chin started to tremble at her altruism. No one had reached into my darkness before except Shepard. Alessa’s eyes started to water once she saw she got through to me. I was sinking and here she was with a life raft. “Destroy that, Violet, now.” As she pointed to the screen, I followed her direction and deleted all evidence of my destruction.
“It’s backed up; I can’t get rid of all of it. I need you to tell Ms. Knight.” Exhaling shaky breaths to keep from losing it anymore, I watched her pull out her phone and send a text.
“It’s done; let’s go.”
My suitcase still held most of the possessions I had taken with me to Colorado. I sat on the bed as Alessa rifled through my drawers, pulling out various items. At the airport, she walked with me to the security screening to ensure I went through. Giving a brave smile, she hugged me tightly, then rubbed my shoulders before backing away.
“If you decide not to come back, I will understand. Send me lots of pictures of the hot guys you meet on Duvall Street. Maybe I can join you later.”
I cracked up at her good-bye.
Weaving into the line, I started to remove my shoes and belt when I saw her approach again. Separated by the rope divider, her face had grown serious.
“Stay alert, Violet. Distractions will be your undoing.”
Embracing me once more, she let go quickly and headed for the exit. Her comment left me deeply unsettled. The ticket in my hand started to suddenly have a new meaning. While standing in line to board the plane to Miami, I picked apart the past few hours. My grief left me in a haze of self-absorbed darkness. Breaking down did not mean my obligations went away. I was selfish; that was why it felt so good. I tried to justify why I would be better off dead, yet each reason was never concrete enough to take that leap. William was on my mind every day. I devoted myself to understanding what makes someone that desperate. Perhaps I had created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My preoccupation with the human brain was consuming…how we discern reality from fiction… why we dream, ration thoughts, and create emotions…our perception of the world from infancy, and how the slightest events can alter what shapes us as adults. Even though I knew what William did wasn’t directly my fault, I couldn’t shake the thought that if I was more attentive, I could have stopped it somehow.
The small prop plane to Key West made me a little nervous, flying low over the Gulf Coast. Peering out over the swamplands into the emerald water, I started to feel a little better. Alessa was always telling me I needed to make this trip; of course I was always making excuses why I was too busy. Vivienne would make the trek north to visit my father in Ohio and occasionally swing by Chicago, but it was never long enough.
The flight was short, arriving at the small building in the mid-afternoon. It was no bigger than a roadside diner with a thatched roof entry, providing shade away from the warm spring sun. A man with a parrot was sitting on a bench outside of the luggage claim next to a chocolate lab sprawled out on the ground at his feet. I joined him while waiting for Vivienne to arrive. Sensing there was a new person, the lab came up to me and rested his head on my lap, demanding his ears be scratched. Dust floated off his coat as my fingers moved back and forth along his fur. With closed eyes, he was so content with this simple action from a stranger. His owner turned to me with a toothy smile.
“I think you found a friend there. Bear there likes you.”
The old dog made me smile as he t
ried to step up into my lap. I propped my suitcase against the wall and sat on the sidewalk where he promptly laid across my legs. I didn’t care how dirty I got. It had been years since I felt the pleasure of a loving animal wanting nothing more than my affection. I was completely covered in dirt and dark hair when Vivienne strolled up.
Cocking her head, she grinned at the sight.
“Welcome to Key West, sister. I see you have met one of the locals.”
Bear looked at Vivienne with a stink eye, warning her not to take away his new person. She bent down and scratched his belly, causing him to let out a big groan, along with passing some gas. I rolled the big dog off me while letting out a gagging noise. His owner and Vivienne both howled in amusement. Brushing off as best I could, Bear stood up with a wagging tail, following us to the end of the sidewalk. I knelt down to give him one last scratch. After he gave me a giant lick on the cheek, I bid farewell to the sweet boy.
The short time her car was parked, the inside was already sweltering. I rolled down the window until the air kicked in enough. Any makeup I was wearing melted the moment I stepped off the plane. As I snapped my seat belt into place, Vivienne seemed elated I was there.
“I kind of love your friend, Alessa. I’ve been waiting forever for you to get your ass down here; I hope you’re ready.”
Nodding my head, I wondered how much Alessa told her, so I went ahead and asked. Vivienne pursed her lips and gave a dropped expression.
“She said you needed to get out of there and that you weren’t doing too well. She didn’t elaborate. She said that wasn’t her place, so I didn’t push the issue. I am just happy you’re here.”
Breathing out deeply, I was thankful she didn’t know how far off the deep end I had gone. I didn’t tell her about walking in on Connor. She would have been on the next plane with a machete and shotgun. It was one of those things I really didn’t want to deal with, although I knew I would have to eventually. By then, I hoped to have the money to pay off my debt and erase him from my life forever. We pulled into a small shopping center and went into one of those beach shops that sold a little bit of everything. Racks of bikinis lined the front of the store.
“You need to buy at least four. We will be in the water most of the time and you really don’t need a yeast infection.”
I scrunched my face at her in disgust; it was nice knowing that was her biggest concern for me at the moment. As I looked for a bikini that covered most of my rear end and chest, she shook her head and kept grabbing smaller ones.
“I can’t cover one of my nipples with that thing!” The tiny triangles were barely held in place by what resembled dental floss.
Her hand went to my shirt and pulled the collar to look down. “You must have some big nipples; let me see.”
Covering my chest and backing away, laughing, I ripped the bikini out of her hand.
“One skanky one, just for you. Deal?”
Shaking her head she snapped up a few more. “No deal. If I am going to be parading around my smarty pants little sister, I plan on showing off your ass, too.”
“I am not here to meet someone!” I looked up at her for a second while flipping through the rack. I plucked a bright red and white polka dot suit that looked like it was from the fifties and provided plenty of coverage. It was very pin-up and sexy, and more along my taste.
As I held it up for approval, she started to give a sour look before cracking a big grin.
“Yes, that’s a great one – definitely you.”
After collecting a few more, we headed to her small house near Mallory Square. It was no bigger than a shoebox and cost a fortune, but it was hers. Small, ocean-themed Christmas ornaments that I had sent her over the years hung from her bathroom ceiling. Several framed photos, many of us together, littered her mantel and stairwell. Touching the glass lightly, I replayed the memories in my mind. They were good – all of them. I needed to be reminded I had those; not all of them were bad, even though it felt that way.
She walked up to me with a plastic cup full of sickly sweet frozen margarita with an extra shot of tequila floating on the top.
“I’ve done some stupid shit on tequila; I hope you don’t mind babysitting.”
Stirring her cup with the bright straw, she sipped and looked at me with delight. “That makes two of us. Just remember you can’t touch the coral; everything else is secondary.”
Shaking my head, I had no idea what she meant, but I was sure I would find out. We walked towards the restaurant near a set of docks. The Conch Farm was a popular spot that had bands playing at night and would be crowded. Right now, it was relaxed with a few families sitting about, enjoying lunch. Vivienne ordered a chicken wrap and calamari. I ordered the fish tacos and a water with lemon. She eyed the glass as if it were out of place.
“Hey, I am dehydrated as hell. If I am going to be drinking, I need as much of this stuff as possible.”
Grabbing the glass and taking a sip, she smacked her lips and let out an exaggerated “Ahhhh…”
“Whatever.”
“Booze has water in it.”
“Really? Didn’t know that.” I rolled my eyes, hoping she wasn’t serious. She grabbed my glass again and sucked down the rest of the water. “Thank you, I didn’t want that.”
Our banter was wonderful. We hadn’t laughed like this in years. I could not remember the last time we had so much fun; it had been far too long. While waiting for the food to arrive, she eyed my necklace curiously.
“I didn’t know you owned an Esperanza piece; did I send that to you?”
Reaching up to rub the smooth coin in my hands, I shook my head.
“No, Shepard gave it to me on a trip.”
I looked out into the water, thinking about how similar the surroundings were to the islands we stopped at. Now realizing she touched a nerve, she leaned in towards me.
“There’s something I need to tell you. I know it’s late, and it won’t change anything, but you should know. He was at the hospital. As soon as he heard, he was there. Every day he waited, hoping he could see you. I sat with him in the waiting room while they were doing tests on you. I don’t think I have ever seen someone so heartbroken. This doctor told us he couldn’t come back; it tore him apart. Then they moved you. Dad told me you kept asking for him, but I guess his family blamed you, so the lawyers nixed that.”
I clutched the necklace painfully in my palm. He came and no one told me. I bit my cheek in an attempt to not cry in public. I wasn’t afraid to make a fool out of myself. I could blame it on too much booze and sunburn, even though I was pale as an albino rat. I dropped my head and let the tears pour down the bridge of my nose into my lap. The server placed our meal on the table and asked if everything was okay. Vivienne nodded and he walked away.
“Who was the doctor?” This was the first I had heard about my care in Cincinnati. The details were always so vague.
“Thompson or something. I remember that much. I guess she was really good, but kind of a bitch. The other doctors stayed out of her way. She never left your side; it was weird.”
“Thomas?”
“Yeah, that was it. She was a tall blonde. That’s her.”
My heart kept sinking. She knew the whole time. It was she who transferred me to Loyola. The past rushed in like an avalanche. Some of the pieces never fit and instantly they clicked into place. Vivienne just confirmed what I was never able to.
“Her name is Claira, and she is good. She’s the best. She only comes across that way because she’s a woman. That’s why I am at Beacon. She knew Doc.”
Vivienne put down her wrap and looked confused. “How do you know that?”
Finishing the bite of fish taco, I chewed slowly at the revelation. “You just told me.”
Vivienne rocked back and forth on the barstool to get more comfortable as the conversation grew deep. “I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t she tell us that at the hospital?”
“I don’t know.” She knew I was lying, but didn’t push
it. I wanted to change the conversation and put my conspiracy theories to sleep for now.
“What are we doing today?” I grabbed my purse so I could grab the tab before she could. While I slid my wallet into my hand, she kept eating, knowing what I was doing and not fighting it in the least.
“We’re going out on a boat, what else?”
I walked around the table and gave her the biggest hug I could muster. “I missed you. I am so happy I am here. I hope you don’t get sick of me too fast.”
Shaking her head and taking another sip of my water, she said she was just as thankful for my presence. “No way, I have waited too long. You’re never going to leave. We can find some algae or other shit for you to study.”
Walking away with a chuckle, I said, “Some other shit, please.”
***
A month had passed before I knew it. Summer was approaching and the humidity increased with the water temperature. To keep busy, I took a temporary job as a mate on one of my sister’s boats. Giving tours of the mangroves was usually what I got stuck doing, but I didn’t mind. The company owners loved my background and having a pseudo celebrity giving a spiel to the passengers. I was hardly famous, yet Vivienne went on and on about how her sister created amazing drugs to make people happy. I would always have to step in and tell them what I did so they knew my job was legal and legitimate.
I loved taking the kids out to snorkel. That was probably my favorite part, next to swimming with stingrays. I made sure that at least three times a week, one of the captains took me to a spot they knew the Spotted Eagle rays frequented. With beautiful grey skin and white dots across their backs, they would play with me as I floated in the calm waters. I would chase them and they would circle around and dart beneath me and around, taunting me to follow them. I wondered if they remembered me as they came closer each time. Their sweet faces reminded me of a dolphin and manatee hybrid. Vivienne would join me occasionally and revel in witnessing me delight in the beauty of the reef.
