by JL Brooks
His hand stopped rubbing upon hearing that, yet he remained silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I used to have this dream that you were there, telling me that everything was going to be okay. Claira told me I used to cry out for you when I was sleeping. It scared her at first, but she just chalked it up to the concussion. I was kept in a light coma for a little while until the swelling on my brain went down. When I came out of it, a legal team was waiting to see if I would prosecute your dad. I was advised to cease all contact with you until the trial. When your dad…”
My chest shook violently thinking about the call I received that William had shot himself. Knowing that I single handedly ruined Shepard’s life never stopped tearing me to shreds. His hand tensed and withdrew from mine, the action reinforcing my thoughts.
“I’m so sorry, Shepard. I never meant to hurt you. I thought you would be better off without me. You deserve a good life. I’ve brought you nothing but grief. You can live knowing I am paying for every moment of it.”
I pulled the small pillow I was resting on and smashed my face to muffle the noise. A flight attendant came over to ask if I was okay. Shepard rubbed my back in an attempt to soothe me as I leaned over between my knees.
“She will be fine, just give her a moment.” The woman walked away, satisfied he was taking care of me and I wouldn’t be disturbing the other passengers much longer. Upset I was doing the very thing that I wanted to avoid, I reached beneath my seat to my bag and removed the red bottle of Valium.
As I cracked the lid, Shepard snatched the bottle from my hands. “What are you doing?” He gave me an accusing look after seeing the label on the bottle and I reached back out for it. “I’m calming down; these people paid too much to listen to some mad woman freak out over the damage she’s done in her life. I will go sit in the bathroom until it kicks in.”
Grabbing the seatbelt and unbuckling it, he grasped my elbow to yank me out of the seat and marched to the lavatory. Opening the door and shoving me inside, he locked the door behind him and shook the bottle in my face.
“Is this what you’re doing again? Numbing yourself because you can’t cope? You are too damn important to waste away. There are other methods of handling it, Violet. This is not the answer!” His tone was low and menacing. The veins in his forehead pulsed as he forced himself to contain his emotions.
I had never felt anger towards him before, but his accusations were out of line. Just because he did something nice for me that I didn’t ask for was not an excuse to make snap judgments about my decisions. Without thinking, my hand raised and slapped him hard across the face. Looking at me with surprise, he rubbed the red mark appearing on his cheek. My teeth clenched as I tried to withhold the venom in my tongue.
“You have no damn idea what I have been through. I know I ruined your life, but this right now is bullshit. Don’t act like you know anything about me. Let me out, I am moving my seat. I don’t need this.”
His hand blocked the door as I reached to release the lock. “Sit down!” He barked the order as his chest pushed me backward onto the toilet. Reaching out to keep from falling, I reluctantly sat on the plastic lid. “I don’t know what you have been through, and you don’t know what I have been through. All I know is I never thought I would get to look into your eyes again. Now that I have that chance, I don’t want you a zombie. I don’t care if every person onboard thinks we have lost our minds. You may get off this plane and walk out of my life forever, but I want every moment with you present.”
He handed me the bottle, which I clutched to my chest as I began to weep. “My grandma died a few months ago. It was the night of my first drug launch…the last time I had that champagne. I got the call at the investors’ dinner. I hit bottom and made some really bad choices. I don’t take these all the time – just when I have panic attacks.”
My head remained dropped as I tried to pull it together. The mound of toilet paper filling the small waste can was growing larger every moment. A quiet knock on the door snapped me out of the fog. Shepard unlatched the door and opened it slowly. The same flight attendant looked at me with pity.
“I appreciate you coming in here, but it’s not necessary. I have some blankets for you on your seat and some tea if you would like.”
I wondered if the other passengers said something to her so they could get some sleep. I nodded my head and she stepped away. Shepard reached out his hand to help me stand. Pulling me tight, I could feel his heart rattle in his chest.
“Violet, I am so sorry. I didn’t know. I just saw you grab the bottle and something came over me. I’m sorry. Please stay with me.”
His pleading broke my heart. We were both lost when it came to each other. There only were six more hours left to find some semblance of peace. I squeezed him tighter and nestled into his embrace. His arm stayed wrapped around my waist as we walked down the aisle to our seats. Most of the people had sleeping masks on and those silly neck braces. Once we settled back in, the woman approached us with two steaming teacups and a box of various flavors. I plucked a ginger peach and Shepard chose Earl Grey.
Dunking the bag several times in the steaming water, I felt him watching me like a hawk. The small packets of sugar flipped back and forth in my fingers as I prepared it to my liking. Swirling the sugar crystals until they dissolved, I licked the spoon and set it gently on the saucer. Blowing across the hot surface, I stopped and twisted my head to a waiting Shepard. “Your turn…”
If I thought it would be hard telling my side of events, nothing prepared me for the crushing that would come from hearing his. His resilience in the face of adversity was admirable. He stayed at school during the preliminary hearings before the trial. Knowing that his father had done such a horrific thing to me severed any affection he held towards the man; it was unforgivable in his eyes. The thought of living next door to a home I no longer occupied was also too much for him to bear. He tried to find me, but was met with dead ends, as if I vanished. Even Jack didn’t know where I was taken. I didn’t dare tell Shepard I contacted Jack later, and that Jack told me he had tried. He didn’t need to be anymore wounded than he obviously still was, and it wouldn’t change anything.
He told me about the offer he received from Oxford to finish graduate school. He laughed when mentioning he didn’t even apply, but it was a godsend – a full ride he couldn’t refuse. From there, he majored in International Business, went on to work in acquisitions, and had been traveling ever since. I shared my life at Beacon while finishing graduate school. He was proud of my discoveries, stating he always knew I would do something noble.
The one topic neither one of us broached was relationships. His left finger was noticeably absent of a ring or any signs of one, as was mine. It didn’t mean he didn’t have someone in his life. The thought was a lead weight in my stomach. We had two more hours in the air before landing, the minutes striking like an invisible clock. Growing tired, but fearful of falling asleep, I was struggling to stay awake. Shepard pulled up the blanket over my shoulders before tucking a loose piece of hair behind my ear.
“You should probably get a little shut eye; your world is about to be turned upside down, and you will need all your wits about you.” His face was content, no longer showing any traces of anger or sadness.
“I missed you so much, Shepard, so much.” The words trailed out as I slipped into a deep slumber. Just before going under, the voice that had haunted me in so many dreams whispered in my ear.
“I’m right here, Violet.”
Chapter 31 - Culture Shock
I awoke with a smack to my face, by my own hand no less. Shepard had used the corner of the blanket to tickle my nose in order to wake me up. The deep laugh I heard earlier rang out once more in the bright cabin. Passengers were already enjoying coffee and breakfast before the initial descent into Munich. The screen behind the headrest indicated we were somewhere over Spain. My eyes were not fully open, adjusting to the blinding light.
“You snore li
ke a lumberjack. You should have seen the people staring at you. It’s a good thing you were up all night; they might be more pissed off.”
“Who are you?” Looking at him wide eyed, it was as if he were a stranger. I knew he had a sense of humor, but this was completely new.
The flight attendant from earlier in the night, who I now knew was Mina, brought over a cart as soon as she saw me stirring. “Coffee, ma’am?”
“Oh my gosh, yes, please!” I flipped down the tray and patted it excitedly. I may have even bounced in my chair a little. I wanted to take this woman home with me, considering how amazing she was. Never once did her kind attitude falter; she was brilliant. I took a mental note to write a glowing review for her later on.
“Thank you, Mina, you have been lovely.” Dipping slightly in appreciation, she went about the rest of the aisles getting everything ready.
I held my coffee cup in my hands to warm them. Suddenly feeling chilled, I pulled my sweater tightly around myself and shivered. As I wished that I hadn’t put the blanket away, Shepard didn’t fail to notice my discomfort. The wool coat I admired with my fingers earlier was placed across my legs.
“It’s not your job to take care of me, but I wish it were – you’re so good at it.” Although I was joking, there was honesty woven into the quip.
“I like taking care of you, Violet. It makes me feel needed.”
“Yeah, but you’re always finding me when I am a mess. Now that our paths have crossed again, perhaps someday I can return the favor.”
“I am counting on it.” The angelic grin only seen in my sleep reached his eyes.
The plane bounced as the wheels hit the tarmac. Phones instantly came out of pockets and purses in a fury despite the lack of announcement giving the go ahead. Shepard and I sat quietly with our heads snuggled together, savoring the intimate moment. While walking up the ramp into the terminal, he grabbed my hand and tugged me in a different direction than the one I was headed.
“Luggage claim is this way.” As he nodded at the sign, everything began to disorient me at once. A massive herd of passengers was moving towards the customs entry, shoulder to shoulder from a different plane. Holding on for dear life, we drifted in and out of the sea of people. Rows of booths formed a wall with agents questioning the travelers.
As I held out my passport, the officer asked the standard inquiries. “Are you here for business or pleasure? How long will you be staying? Are you traveling to any other countries? Are you carrying weapons or any illegal items?
After he stamped the small book, I followed a waiting Shepard to the baggage area. Nothing was in English, which frightened me a little. If I weren’t so tired, I imagined it would be easier to navigate around as airports are pretty much all the same. I walked off to a quiet area to ensure my phone was working on international settings.
A message notification appeared along with a voicemail. Listening first since the number was German, I instantly felt nauseous. The interview rescheduled due to unforeseen circumstances and was moved to their office in Bern, Switzerland. They apologized for the sudden change of plans and assured me everything would be taken care of. I just needed to book another flight, or take a train. I had a week to complete the short journey. Just like that, I was at their mercy. I could turn around and book another flight home, or keep some of the initial plans I made and take the trip. I had sunk to my knees in a squatting position while taking everything in. Shepard walked over to me and kneeled down.
“Violet, are you okay? You look like something’s wrong.”
For the millionth time, my face was soaked with tears. I shook my head back and forth. The world was not coming to an end; I just really needed some sleep to gain my bearings.
“My interview was changed; I need to go to Bern. I am just exhausted. I will be fine – you can go. I will get a taxi to a hotel and get this figured out.”
I stood up to walk over to the carousel and he followed next to me as the alarm indicated luggage was about to start circling around. He pulled his phone out and texted a few messages. A few moments later, his face lit up.
“You’re not taking a cab anywhere. I have a driver; we can get this straightened out together. I want to help.”
His bag nearly passed by before he shot out his arm to jerk it off the moving belt. I wasn’t even paying attention if mine had made its way around. The bright pink and purple flowered case appeared just then. As I started to reach, Shepard grabbed the handle and yanked.
“This is yours? Seriously?” He eyed it as though he didn’t believe me.
“No, I just feel like stealing a suitcase today. Of course, it’s mine! Everyone has black or grey luggage. I need mine to stand out.” I gave a sour look at his mocking demeanor.
Walking out to the arrivals, Shepard effortlessly navigated to the lot across the way where a Mercedes sedan was waiting. The driver got out as soon as we approached and leaped into action to assist with everything. He looked to Shepard and then me before asking who I was. As he assumed I didn’t know any German whatsoever, I pretended not to notice. He looked back to me and smiled before opening my door. His name was Henry and could speak English as well as his native tongue. Out of courtesy, he did so for my benefit. We drove into town to historic Munich. Getting as close as we could to the Marienplatz and St. Peters Church before getting out to walk around, it was breathtaking.
A second wind kicked in as the city invigorated my senses. Both of the men were amused by my childlike wonder in everything. I gathered that Henry was more like a friend than an employee as the two conversed. I purchased gelato from a street vendor and admired the architecture that surrounded me. Asking if I could go into the church, Shepard bowed and ushered me in through the old wooden doors.
The only sounds that could be heard were those of the kneelers being raised and lowered and heels walking on the polished marble. Immaculate works of art covered every wall along with a stunning pipe organ. The opulence of such a holy place struck me as odd. I was always one of those people who could never figure out why so much money was devoted to a house of worship when it could have been used to help so many. I couldn’t deny that those that built this place genuinely did so out of pride in honoring a God they felt desired it. Faith is a funny thing. If this made them feel that they were closer to God, who was I to make judgments?
I was fortunate my phone took great pictures and that they allowed them. I must have snapped over two hundred in the church alone. Sitting near the front, my head tilted as I looked at the altar. There were thousands of lit candles lining the sides of the grand display, offering up prayers. My eyes drifted up to the wooden carving of Jesus on the cross. I stayed fixated on the spot long enough that Shepard asked what I was thinking.
“After reading his story in the Bible that my grandma gave me, I felt sorry for him. All he wanted to do was make things better for people and they killed him. It seems that keeps happening in the world. Then when the heroes die, we build statues, and name schools and streets after them – all in a vain attempt to remember their sacrifice. Really, we should be striving to make the world even better in their honor, not taking it for granted.”
Rubbing my temples to refocus my attention, I walked up to the candles and made a donation. A long match was handed to me to light the luminary while offering up my own prayer. I thought deeply about what I wanted and only one thing came to mind.
Let not this life be lived in vain.
As I walked back, Shepard was still seated with his head resting on his hands. Giving him this moment of peace, I sat next to him and waited. When he finally looked up to me, I reckoned he was having his own conversation with the heavens. Gazing around, he leaned over and whispered.
“It’s pretty amazing isn’t it?”
Nodding in agreement, I started to laugh. “It’s amazing that lightning hasn’t struck me down in here.”
Shaking his head, he held my hand, led me out of the building into the square, and stopped in the center. Among t
he tourist and pigeons, we started to slowly dance in the light of day. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I sunk into his chest and listened to the tune he hummed as we swayed back and forth. The sun felt delicious as it caressed my back along with his fingers. Time was no longer operating under natural law in my mind. Both forever and an instant passed by.
“I don’t want to end this dance, but there is so much more I want to show you.”
Backing away with a pout, I followed his lead as we made our way to the car. Henry and Shepard continued to speak as they gave me an official tour of the area. My exhaustion was starting to peak mid-afternoon when I finally fell asleep leaning against him in the back seat.
“Wake-up, sleeping beauty, we’re here.” Disoriented, panic started to set in. “Hey, hey, you’re okay.”
I looked wildly at Shepard and closed my eyes again. My body felt like a train hit it; I was so tired. He held his hand out to stabilize me while getting out of the car. As I adjusted my vision to the dimly lit building, I saw that night had come without me realizing it.
“Where are we?” Scratching my head and yawning, I looked around at the oddly placed building that was located on a quiet neighborhood street.
“Our hotel – come this way. We need to eat and then head upstairs so you can get some more rest.”
My lead feet stumbled in the gravel as though I were highly intoxicated.
“The hotel is a restored monastery called the San Gabriel. We are south of Munich in Roseinheim. I thought you would like this for some reason. It’s one of my favorite places to stay.”
Instead of walking into the reception area, we headed towards the open aired restaurant where waiters dressed as monks lead us to a rustic wooden booth. The entire place was scattered with flickering white candles casting a soft glow in the early evening.
