by Carla Hanna
I took two pain killers to ease my headache and put on makeup because I knew there would be photographers waiting to get pictures of me leaving my house with my boyfriend. They’d be so disappointed that the boyfriend didn’t stay the night. They would follow me to the bank and then give up on scoring a picture of the young lovers.
Mom was reprimanding someone on the phone when I entered the living room. She was defending my slip-up last night. I realized she was arguing with several people on a conference call. Richard certainly was on the call as was my publicist and, of course, Sage. But there were more.
Mom smiled at me when I walked into the room, kept talking and listening, and pointed to the kitchen.
“Hi, Attila!” I smiled as I got a drink of water from the fridge.
“Hi. Michelle is sorry she can’t go to breakfast. I’ve made this for you.” He removed a frittata out of the oven and plated it. I sat at the kitchen counter and drank the smoothie ready for me on the placemat.
“Thanks. I’m so hungry,” I said. I started eating it immediately, slightly burning my tongue.
“I need to go out now and buy some ingredients for some comfort food.” He smiled devilishly. “I’m so glad I finally get to feed you real food. What would you say to lasagna on Monday and truffle mac-n-cheese on Thursday?”
“Devine!” I smiled. Like cake, pasta was strictly off limits. “Can you make a portion for my boyfriend, too, so we can eat in together?”
“Evan?” He asked.
“No, I’m dating Manuel, finally.”
“Oh, Marie, that’s wonderful. I like him. I liked Evan, too.” He wondered if he was being unprofessional and then laughed. “You don’t need to hide in your room Saturday mornings. I can make you guys breakfast.”
“We’re not hiding, Attila. It’s just the only day I don’t exercise, the only day we can sleep in together.”
He gave me a knowing look and laughed at me. We were avoiding him on Saturday mornings. “See ya.” He said as he walked out the door. I could hear the sound of cameras clicking, stop, and then some chatting. Attila was a professional so they knew he wouldn’t talk, but they were saying hi, asking him about his wife and boys. He asked them about their lives and kids.
I put my dishes in the dishwasher, grabbed my purse and left. I thought of Manuel. He said he’d stop by before work. By now, the press would have matched his face to his name and determined where he lived. He’d have to get from his apartment to his Vespa today through the photographers. If he stopped by, he’d have to get from the Vespa to the front gate. When he left, they’d follow him to his work. That would be too hard for him.
I texted Manuel, “I’ll drop u off at work. I want to talk to Liz. Explain.”
I opened the garage door and started my car. I already had a text back, “K. Do not apologize to her!”
“When should I come?”
“Anytime. Work at 4. Miss you.”
“K. Errand in Brentwood. Fax to send. Starbucks?”
“Sure.”
Already, the sound from the cameras stopped. I drove out of my garage and ran my errands. I valet parked for Starbucks off of Montana Ave. Finally, I was ready to see my boyfriend and texted Manuel that I was on my way.
~ DISS KISS ~
Liz waited for me and signaled to me to park in one of her tenant’s carports. She ran to me as I got out of the car and hugged me.
Liz whispered, “I’m so sorry Manny freaked out.”
The cameras were clicking rapidly. She understood it was show time. I smiled at her to relieve her guilt and gave her the carrier with the four coffees. We headed up to her apartment smiling at each other. She surprised me. She acted like a PR pro.
I saw Manuel and ran over to him. He caught me and we spun together from the momentum. All was forgiven. We relaxed into each other, smiling, comforted. Instantly the heaviness of the room was lifted. Carlos gave Liz a warm hug. Janet smiled at me.
“Do you mind if we do some homework together?” Manuel asked, stiffly. “I have to finish an essay before I go to work. I have a ton of studying to do tomorrow, too.”
“Yeah, that’s great. I have to borrow your books. I didn’t think about bringing my backpack.”
We retreated to Manuel’s bedroom to study. We were both sitting with our backs against his bed on the floor of his room and I leaned over to kiss his cheek. He was a statue but smiled at me.
“You’re hurting my feelings, Manuel.” I admitted.
He held my hand and kissed it. “I don’t want to be an ass. I don’t want to mess us up again.”
“But I want to kiss you. I love kissing you. I finally get to. Please don’t shut down again.”
“I’m more mad than I thought I’d be that you didn’t diss Byron.”
“I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t know why I’m so weak around him. I can promise that I’ll try my hardest to resist him in the future. I certainly hope I never kiss him again as me but you know I will again as Muse. It’s part of the job and messes up me being me.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I know. I’ve had four years getting used to you kissing other guys. But now it sucks. And I’m having a hard time being around you right now. I don’t know how to act.”
“Kiss and hold hands. Right?”
“Right, but you make me dizzy being next to you. I can’t concentrate. I’ve already read this page twice.” He fixed his eyes on me soulfully and put his hand on my cheek. He sighed and shook his head. “I never want to lose you. You’re my everything.”
“And you are mine.” I hugged him and moved onto his lap. “Please don’t shut down. We can’t go backwards now, but we can slow things down. I love you.”
Manuel continued to hold me and kissed my forehead. “But, I need time now. I like sleeping with you even though we don’t do it. But I want to. It’s confusing.”
“Please keep kissing and hugging me. We’ll work through this together. We’ll talk about it, okay?” I slowly moved him onto his back on the floor of his room and crawled on top of him. I put one of his hands under my shirt and felt his sides and chest with mine. Then I slowly kissed his lips and we started making out with our clothes on. It was wonderful and enough.
I stopped kissing him. “Can this be enough?”
He opened his eyes and sighed. “There’s something about you, your kisses. Only you release these incredibly intense feelings.”
He sat up. “I need to explain this.” He exhaled and shrugged his shoulders. “So being with Kate felt great, sure, but… it’s like my tattoo. She wanted her name on my body. Fine, whatever makes her happy. It hurt to get the tattoo but it’s on the surface. It only bled for a few minutes but it’s permanent. I don’t want another one and forget it’s there except when I see you look at it. It bleeds when I go back in to hide her name, so you don’t have to be reminded. It’s skin deep, like my love for her. I didn’t want to make love the first time, felt guilty about it, and then didn’t care if we did it again.”
He held my hand and shook his head. “With you, my love is so deep. Waiting for you was so painful, wanting you and loving you for years. Now that you’re finally mine, your kisses cut me. You tattoo my heart each time. It’s permanent. I want every letter of your name inked inside of me, covering me. I want my body to be your canvas.”
We got up off of the floor. “I love you always and forever, Marie. Just remember to talk things through if I diss you. It’s easier for me to go back to repressing my feelings.”
I nodded and left his room so he could change into his uniform.
Kisses weren’t enough for him, and I couldn’t lose him—ever. Mom told me to be true to myself but the threat of losing Manuel was too scary. I wondered why I was so confused.
As I waited by the front door, Liz and Carlos were snuggling on the couch watching TV. I smiled at them, wondering how they could be so in love after being together for nineteen years. I figured I’d ask them.
“How are you g
uys still in love after all those years?”
Liz laughed and nodded to Carlos, careful not to offend me in any way.
Carlos spoke, “Drugs and parties are only fun for a little while. The fast life is empty. Love and family make me happy and complete. I love the companionship I have with Liz. We share our thoughts and dreams. We connect. I’m still in love because I’m still grateful that she loves me. I love my kids.” He smiled at me. “I’m like you, Marie. I want love, not sex.”
I blushed. I explained my feelings, “I just… I think it should be private, you know, between Manuel and me. I’m embarrassed.”
Liz responded, “I know, but Manny’s not your typical teenager. He doesn’t want to make mistakes with you. He loves you so much.”
I shrugged my shoulders. He was honest with everyone, confided in his parents. I appreciated that about him.
Manuel came out of his room and saw my awkwardness. He gave his mom a stern look and put his arm around me. “Mom, don’t scare my girlfriend.”
I laughed. We all did. I smiled at his parents as we walked to the door.
“Manuel, where should I drop you off?” I asked as we headed out of the apartment. “We’ll be followed from here, and I think it will be easier if they didn’t know where you work.”
“If the back door is open, I’ll run inside the kitchen. If not, park, walk in with me and hang out for a while. They’ll think we’re going for dinner before the restaurant is open. It happens all the time. A couple weeks ago I waited on that guy who starred with you in Left to Die. He looked worse than I thought. I felt bad that he’s dying, even though now I want to smash in his face.”
Rex was dying of cancer. He still looked really young—exactly like he did when shooting the movie with me—but more frail. Another actor I knew died of a heart attack a few weeks earlier. Like Mom, she also looked really great for her age and seemed super healthy, so I was floored that she was even sick.
The back door was open. Manuel smiled at me and bolted inside the restaurant before a car turned into the alley behind me.
I drove back to my house relieved that Manuel was still in my life. I needed to be more careful with him. I didn’t want to lose him. I needed to protect him from the tabloids. He shouldn’t be subjected to people’s judgments and condemnations. I needed to give Sage a head’s up to manage my private life more privately.
No one was home. I was relieved because I had an English essay to write. I put my purse on the kitchen island and almost jumped out of my body with joy when I saw my birthday present from Attila on the counter. There on a beautifully decorated plate was the one thing he made that surpassed all others: a scrumptious chocolate brownie with a fondant mini-bow on top.
I ate the brownie with a tall glass of milk, savoring every bite.
I decided to do the outline and research my English essay and then finish writing it the next day. I liked background research before I started my acting projects, too. It helped me get into character and determine my voice. Memorizing the lines was so easy once I knew the character’s motivations.
~ MARIE MICHAEL PRODUCTIONS ~
Celia’s ring tone interrupted my essay planning. I rushed to the phone, almost falling on the floor in the process of getting to it.
“Hi,” I blurted out.
Celia asked, “Is this a good time?”
“Yeah, I almost killed myself getting to the phone.” I explained, “I’m writing an essay for school.”
“Lia, my suspicions are confirmed. You and your mom are both producers. All payments and expenses are run through the entity, either yours or your mom’s production company depending on your accounting practices. The Muse project did not need to be renegotiated when you turned eighteen because your mother was not representing a minor. You received a declaration of emancipation immediately after you turned fourteen, after your existing contracts with your other studio and agent were in place when you were thirteen. Clearly, you and your mother did not get those contracts renegotiated after you were emancipated. I always wondered how they got around filming suggestive-sex with a minor in the Left to Die film. You evidently initiated your own project for your Marie Michael Productions company at the time you starred in Left to Die and when you starred in the “Muse” projects. You were not a minor under SAG jurisdiction. Filming the scene the way they did didn’t violate any of the California child labor laws. Do you understand?”
Mom was very smart and so was Martin. I remembered being on set that day. It was April 23rd, the day after my fourteenth birthday. That morning, I signed papers with a notary on the set of Left to Die to file for the emancipation of a child actor. I remembered that I had thought that emancipation meant that I wouldn’t be a slave anymore and I said so out loud. Everyone in the room had laughed. I was embarrassed and didn’t know why they laughed so nervously. I did the rape scene that afternoon.
“No. Not really.” I admitted. “What does my emancipation have to do with Muse now?”
“It doesn’t now. What I’m concerned with is that you have your own mini-studio, Marie Michael Productions. That means you’re stuck doing Muse for a very long time. If you bail on Muse, you ruin your own finances and affect Michelle’s income stream. Michelle’s legal name is Michelle Marie Michael so I’m not sure how much of the company is yours and how much is hers, perhaps they’re separate. Richard and Ira are also in the web. I don’t see how you can get out of acting when the brand is so successful. You’re not replaceable.”
“Oh. Now I understand perfectly.” At least I got out of some of my obligations. Mom always made it clear to me that I was bound to Muse. It seemed ironic that she tied me to Muse as she was tied to Rose. She felt like a slave. I did too; so much for me being emancipated.
Celia added, “Do I have your permission to discuss this with Michelle?”
“Absolutely. Thank you, Celia, for watching my back. Right now, I definitely feel like a child.”
“It’s what I’m here for, to love and protect you. Now, you don’t worry about this at all. Nothing has changed, and I’m certain Michelle is committed to protecting you, too. She loves you. Focus on school and on graduation. We are very proud of you for not taking the easy way out and just getting your GED.”
“Thanks.” I hung up. I knew it couldn’t be so simple to get out of this business when I was a success. But I couldn’t think about that now. I had a semester of school to catch up on before finals.
I sat at my computer, trying again to outline my English essay. I wondered about the timeless themes we studied throughout the year in all the novels we read: selfishness, unrequited love, longing, angst, greed, inequity, conflict, and suffering. What about change? Change is the constant of time. Everything changes. I may look the same as I have looked for years but my awareness and attitudes have changed. My beliefs of what were good and bad also changed based on the context in which my beliefs were challenged. I was currently dating Manuel, the ex of my former best friend. That was an underhanded thing to do to my former best friend. But dating him was right for me, even if I might rot in hell for it later.
I went outside when I saw that the sun was setting, an incomprehensibly beautiful time of day. The orange and red glows from the sun reflected on the ocean and colored the lush green treetops with an amber haze. The color from any blossom popped out of the amber-green mosaic. I saw only a dozen houses from over a mile away on the Pacific Palisades ridge. I escaped Santa Monica, Brentwood, and Los Angeles. I was in my own world. I was at peace until my phone rang.
“Hi, Mom.” I put the cell on speaker. I was not happy that she interrupted the sunset.
“Celia just chatted with me. I can tell you’re upset. I need to explain and clarify. I’m not one of those evil Hollywood controlling mothers from which SAG tries to protect child actors.”
The Screen Actors Guild is the union to which all performers and crew belong. It sets the guidelines for the treatment of child actors, recommending how they should be paid and regula
ting the maximum number of hours they are allowed to work. I was protected from being naked or doing stunt work, performing anything that could be considered “morally compromising” or being in a sexual act. On set, the SAG representative was there every day, making sure the director was protecting the SAG union members. One time, the SAG rep made one of the actors move away from me because she was concerned that the second hand smoke from his cigarette was too close to me. Celia wanted to know how Mom got around the SAG representative who would have been on the set of Left to Die the day that the director filmed the rape scene. Celia truly believed that the rape scene was morally compromising but few industry people thought so. The conservatives sure thought so when the film came out, but all the controversy guaranteed that practically everyone on the planet who had a few extra bucks in their wallet saw the movie.
“I know, Mom. I’m not upset. You just killed my buzz. I am in the hot tub. The sunset is extraordinary.”
“Oh, Marie,” she laughed. “You’re so simply pleased by the smallest joys. You’re very special, dear.”
“Thanks, Mom. So how did you get around SAG filming that rape scene?”
“Ha! Straight to the point, just like Celia. I like that, you know.” She enjoyed speaking to me. Good. She did not feel guilty. She was not a Hollywood monster mother.
“Martin is brilliant. The contracts we signed when you were thirteen bound you to your agent and film studio for only five years, until you were eighteen, a legal adult. You were required to do two projects per year at first, but we negotiated that you only needed to do four feature films within the contract period and that you could produce your own work as long as you met your promotional obligations for the four studio films.” Mom sounded proud of herself.
