by Duncan Ball
But Selby wasn’t done. It was a Christmas tree that saved him. Not a Christmas tree with lights and decorations but a big pine tree in Bogusville Reserve. Selby hit the top and then bounced from one branch to the next, getting slower and slower till he landed softly on the ground.
‘I’m alive!’ Selby thought. ‘But now I’m really going to have to tell the Trifles.’
It was a scratched and bruised dog who limped his way home. As Selby lay waiting for his owners, he practised the words he would speak the moment they came in the door.
He heard them coming.
He cleared his throat.
The door opened.
‘I’m sorry. You are the dearest, most wonderful people in the world and I just did something very silly. I tried to be Santa and I crashed the sleigh. Okay, so it was Denis’s fault because he ruined the controls. I should have told you about it but I didn’t. I tried to fix things myself. I don’t deserve to be your pet.’
Dr and Mrs Trifle’s mouths were open as Selby was about to speak these words.
‘Something’s wrong,’ he thought. ‘Why are they smiling like that?’
‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle cried, picking him up and giving him a big hug. ‘The most wonderful thing happened tonight!’
‘It was like magic!’ Dr Trifle added. ‘The real Santa flew over Bogusville and dropped lollies! He must have known that my invention didn’t work.’
‘Hey, that was me!’ Selby thought. ‘They saw me!’
‘You should have seen the looks on the kids’ faces,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We all heard him saying Ho ho ho. What a night! The magic of Christmas was really alive. Everybody felt it!’
‘Almost everyone,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Denis Dorset didn’t seem very pleased.’
‘He’s going to be even less pleased when he gets back to Poshfield,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Didn’t you hear? His new helicopter was destroyed.’
‘Destroyed?’
‘Yes. It was sitting at Poshfield Airport when something came shooting right out of the sky and crashed into it. They think it must have been a comet. The whole thing is burned to a crisp. So I guess Denis won’t be arriving in his helicopter tomorrow. Of course, after seeing the real Santa, the kids won’t want to see him in his silly Santa suit anyway.’
Selby struggled not to smile.
‘Oh joy! Oh joy!’ he thought. ‘Oh joyful day!’
‘Speaking of Santa and sleighs, I’d better start taking apart that useless invention of mine,’ Dr Trifle said as he opened the back curtains. ‘Hmmm, that’s strange. I’m sure it was here when we left the house.’
‘Gulp,’ Selby gulped. ‘Oh well, I guess you could say the magic of Christmas strikes again.’
Paw note: See the story ‘Santa Selby’ in the book Selby Splits.
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Paw note: This is my invention, an exclamation-comma (). Look for other exclamation-commas and question-commas () throughout the Selby books.
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TRIM, TAUT AND TERRIFIC SELBY
‘How much do you want for your handsome dog?’ the man asked Mrs Trifle.
‘Handsome dog?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You don’t mean Selby, do you, Dr Schnipskin?’
‘Yes, I do. Is he a special breed?’
‘No, he’s just a bitser — a bit of this and a bit of that.’
‘He is, quite frankly, the handsomest dog I’ve ever seen.’
‘Hey, I like this guy,’ Selby thought. ‘He knows a quality dog when he sees one.’
‘He should be the beginning of a dog breed all of his own,’ Dr Schnipskin said.
‘What do you mean?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘Think of it this way, there are poodles and cocker spaniels and collies, and now there could be Selbys. I have a company called the New Breed Institute and I’ve been looking for the perfect dog to start off a whole new breed. Selby could be the beginning. I can hear them now: Mummy, Mummy, can I have a Selby for Christmas and, Darling, please don’t waste your money on a diamond engagement ring. I’d rather have a Selby. People would be lining up at petshops all around the world to buy a Selby.’
‘Are you telling me that you want to breed Selby?’
‘Breed?’ Selby thought. ‘Hold the show! I don’t like the sound of this.’
‘Oh, no,’ Dr Schnipskin said. ‘If you breed animals, they come out looking a little bit like the mother and a little bit like the father. I want dogs that look exactly like Selby, every one of them. The only way to do that is to clone him.’
‘Clone me?’ Selby thought.
‘Clone him?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘You mean take a tiny piece of him and then grow it in a laboratory?’
‘Well, yes. We haven’t actually cloned anything yet, so we might need to take a few pieces till we work it out.’
‘Gulp — a few pieces of me?’ Selby thought.
‘They’d be very small pieces, Mrs Trifle. I’d take him to our laboratory in the city. There would be quite a lot of him left over by the time I got the cloning right. I’d bring back the rest of him, of course.’
‘Quite a lot of me left over?! Sheeeesh!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘I want all of me to be left over!’
‘I’m terribly sorry, Dr Schnipskin,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’m afraid I can’t allow it. I want him to stay exactly the way he is.’
‘But I’d be prepared to pay you a lot of money.’
‘I’m sorry but I’m not interested.’
‘Well, that’s unfortunate,’ the man said. ‘I’ve been searching the world for the perfect dog and Selby seems just right. He’s such a handsome hunk of dog, so strong, so muscular, so fit. I’m a bit of a body-builder myself and I know a champion when I see one. Oh well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Mrs Trifle.’
‘It was a pleasure meeting you, too, Dr Schnipskin. Goodbye. I guess we’ll probably never meet again.’
‘I hope not,’ Selby thought as the man drove away. ‘I never want to see that guy again.’
Selby, a handsome hunk of dog? Is that what you’re thinking? Selby, strong, muscular and fit? A champion? Is this the same Selby from the Selby books? The answer is yes. Selby was no longer the not-too-big-and-not-too-small somewhat-overweight dog that he’d been for years. How he changed himself into a handsome hunk is a story in itself.
It all started one day when Selby was out for his morning walk. It was the usual walk. He passed girl dogs and boy dogs and they all completely ignored him. A woman who wasn’t watching where she was walking even tripped over him.
‘Nobody notices me any more,’ he thought. ‘I’m invisible. They’d notice me if I was one of those poncy pedigree pooches — all clipped and scrubbed and brushed. But I’m not like that. I’m just a normal slightly-out-of-shape dog. Okay, so maybe I’m a lot out of shape.’
Suddenly, Selby stopped in his tracks as something caught his eye. It was a new shop called Samantha’s Trim & Taut Fitness Centre. The sign above the window said:
GET FIT AND STAY FIT!
LOSE WEIGHT FAST!
FLING THAT FLAB IN SAM’S FITNESS LAB!
Selby could see a woman inside, jogging on a running machine.
‘I wish I was human,’ Selby sighed. ‘If I was, I’d go in and get super-fit like her. Then no one would ignore me any more.’
Selby was standing in the doorway when the woman stopped running and came over to him. She gave him a pat as she looked at his name-tag.
‘Selby, is it? I’m Samantha,’ she said. ‘Well, Selby, you’re the first person to come in here today, only you’re not a person. What is wrong with these Bogusville people? Why won’t they come here?’
‘Poor Sam,’ Selby thought. ‘She doesn’t know that Bogusville people just aren’t going-to-the-gym people.’
‘I never should have opened my business here,’ Samantha went on. ‘All this exercise equipment cost me a fortune and no one wants to use it.’
‘The other thing Sam should know about Bogusville people,’ Selby thought, ‘is that they hate trying n
ew things. They always wait for someone else to try them first.’
‘What is it with these people, Selby?’ Samantha said. ‘It’s as if they’re scared to be the first to try new things.’
‘You’ve got it,’ Selby thought. ‘Poor Sam — I think I see tears in her eyes. She seems like a lovely person but she’s in the wrong town at the wrong time. Maybe I can cheer her up.’
Selby noticed that the running machine was still going. So, without a further thought, he jumped onto it and started running.
‘Hey, Selby!’ Samantha cried. ‘What are you doing?! Hey, that’s really funny!’
‘It’s not (gasp) funny for me,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s tiring! How do people (gasp) do this?’
Selby struggled to catch his breath.
‘I am so (gasp) out of shape. I’d better stop before I drop.’
Selby hopped off the machine. Samantha was wiping the tears from her eyes but now they were tears of laughter.
‘Oh, Selby, I haven’t had such a good laugh for ages. You should have kept going, old boy.’
As Selby headed out the door, he heard Samantha calling out.
‘Come back any time, Selby! It’s great to have company!’
And so it was that day after day Selby went back to Samantha’s Trim & Taut Fitness Centre. And every day she turned on the running machine for him and he ran a bit longer than the day before. And when she wasn’t watching, Selby lifted weights, pushed on pushing machines and pulled at pulling machines. And the more he did it, the easier it got. Then one day he realised something.
‘I’m actually getting fit!’ he thought. ‘I feel good. Maybe I should be more careful about what I eat. No more junk food and no more snacks.’
At home that night, Dr and Mrs Trifle did the worst thing you can do to a dieting dog. They gave him leftover people-food. Not just any people-food but the food Selby loved the most in the world — Peanut Prawns.
‘Why do they torture me like this?!’ Selby thought. ‘I love Peanut Prawns! I adore them! I would die for them! But they’re fattening. I have to be strong.’
‘I guess he doesn’t like them,’ Mrs Trifle said, putting the leftover Peanut Prawns in the fridge. ‘Don’t worry, old boy, we’ll never give them to you again. Here’s some of those lovely Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits you love so much.’
‘Good grief,’ Selby thought as he nibbled a dog biscuit. ‘These things are mostly sawdust. Oh well, at least they’re not fattening.’
Little by little, Selby lost weight and his muscles became harder and harder. When he walked, there was a spring in his step. When he looked in the mirror, he loved what he saw.
‘Hey there, big fella,’ he said to himself, ‘you are one terrific dude. You’re as trim as a dressmaker and as taut as a teacher. The only problem is a slight smell of sweat.’
In the bathroom, Selby found the bottle of Fruit 4 Brutes men’s aftershave that Mrs Trifle had given to Dr Trifle three Christmases ago. He dabbed a bit behind each ear.
‘Dr Trifle never uses this,’ he thought. ‘He’s not an aftershave sort of guy. But, hey, it smells great on me!’
‘Have you noticed anything different about Selby?’ Mrs Trifle asked Dr Trifle one evening at dinner.
‘Not really,’ said Dr Trifle, who was not a good noticer.
‘There’s something different about him but I can’t quite put my finger on it.’
‘If you put your finger on me, you’ll hurt yourself,’ Selby thought. ‘My muscles are that hard.’
Even though the Trifles didn’t notice Selby’s new trim and taut body, lots of other people in Bogusville did. People would stop in front of Sam’s to see the exercising dog. Then, one by one, they started coming in and exercising, too.
‘You’re great for business,’ Samantha told him. ‘I wish there was some way I could thank you.’
‘Believe me, Sam,’ Selby thought, as he looked at all the girl-dogs who had gathered outside to watch him,‘you already have.’
These days when Selby went for a walk, the girl-dogs walked with him. And when he got back to the Trifles’ house, he’d turn and look into their adoring eyes. ‘See you tomorrow, girls,’ he’d say in people-talk, which he knew they couldn’t understand. And then he’d flex his muscles and add,‘If you’re lucky.’
Selby was now the most noticed dog in Bogusville. No one tripped over him any more. The girl-dogs all adored him and people everywhere stopped to pat him. Selby’s life would have been perfect if it hadn’t been for Rusty.
Rusty was definitely the meanest, nastiest pitbull–rottweiler cross that had ever come to Bogusville. He had fiery red eyes and more teeth than a killer shark. The good thing about Rusty was that he was locked in a yard with an iron fence that was high enough to keep a giraffe in. The bad thing was that Selby had to pass by Rusty’s yard to get to Samantha’s fitness centre and, when he did, Rusty’s eyes followed him as he went.
‘That dog is seriously scary!’ Selby thought, trying not to notice. ‘If he ever got out of there, it wouldn’t matter how fit I was — he’d tear me to shreds!’
But Rusty didn’t even make the smallest growl — at least not till Selby began walking by with his admiring girl-dogs. Now, every time Selby passed, Rusty was on his feet in a flash, growling a deafening growl, his eyes flashing like a firetruck’s siren and his fangs dripping saliva.
‘Settle down, ya big boof-head,’ Selby would say in perfect people-talk. ‘Pay no attention to him, girls.’
When Selby was alone, he’d try to tiptoe past the fence but Rusty would come out of nowhere, barking and growling and ramming the fence with his head like a rhino.
‘How does he know I’m here?’ Selby wondered. ‘It’s like he can see around corners. No, hang on, he must be able to smell me. He can smell Dr Trifle’s aftershave. Well, too bad. It makes me smell nice and I like that.’
And this is where we were at the beginning of the story, when Dr Schnipskin noticed Selby and came to ask Mrs Trifle if he could clone him. And, when we left the story, Dr Schnipskin had just told Mrs Trifle that he was about to leave Bogusville. Selby hoped that he would never see the man again.
That’s what Selby hoped …
The Trifles were both working late and Selby was alone in the house. He’d been to the fitness centre and had come home, leaving a group of his admirers on the doorstep. He’d even kissed a couple of them goodbye when he was sure the neighbours weren’t watching.
He wandered into the bathroom and had just dabbed a bit of Dr Trifle’s aftershave on when a rope dropped over him.
‘Gotcha!’ Dr Schnipskin cried. ‘You didn’t think you were going to get away from me, did you? Come along now, dog. It’s cloning time.’
‘Not on your life!’ Selby thought, as he struggled to get loose. ‘Or at least not on mine! This guy’s not going to schnip my skin!’
Selby fought against the rope as it tightened around his front paws and waist but every time he started to get it loose, the man threw another loop around him.
‘I’ve got to get away!’ Selby thought as he struggled around the bathroom. ‘I can’t let him dog-nap me! If I’m gone when the Trifles get home, they’ll just think I wandered off. They won’t know that this monster has got me in his lab and is carving pieces off me!’
Selby remembered all the exercise he’d had at Sam’s, all the pushing, the pulling, the lifting, and even the kicking and punching. Drawing a huge breath, he flexed every muscle in his body and then, in one quick movement, he kicked the doctor in the shins.
‘Ow! Stop that!’ the man screamed as he hopped on one leg. But he kept pulling the rope tighter around the struggling Selby. ‘Stay still!’
Selby wiggled a paw free and swung it wildly, trying to hit the man’s head. Then he saw the bottle of Fruit 4 Brutes men’s aftershave. Quickly he punched the plastic bottle, sending a stream of aftershave into the doctor’s eyes.
‘Take that, you creep!’ Selby yelled in plain English.
‘Y
oooooowwwwww!’ Dr Schnipskin screamed, letting go of the rope and clutching his eyes. ‘You talked! Hey, where are you?! I can’t see you!’
Quick as a flash, Selby was out of the house and down the street, running as fast as his feet could carry him, but when he turned his head he realised that he wasn’t alone.
‘He’s right on my tail! And he’s still got the rope! Hey! This guy is fast! And he’s twirling the rope like a cowboy.’
Selby tore along Lamington Drive and through street after street, the doctor hot on his heels.
‘I can’t believe you can talk!’ the doctor screamed. ‘Now I have to clone you! You’re the handsomest and smartest dog in Australia, and maybe even in the world!’
‘I may be the handsomest and smartest dog in Australia, but I can’t keep up this pace much longer,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s going to catch me! I’m about to be lassoed by a crazy clone doctor! Help!’
And that would have been the end of Selby if he and Dr Schnipskin hadn’t streaked past Rusty’s house. The dog started howling, barking and growling. This time it was too much for him and he ran so fast that he charged straight through the fence.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘Now I’ve got two monsters after me! I may be fit but I can’t outrun them! It’s only a matter of which one catches me first. Oh, woe woe woe.’
Just as Dr Schnipskin’s rope was about to lasso him again, Selby heard a terrible scream. He turned to see Dr Schnipskin on the ground and Rusty tearing at his clothes.
‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby thought. ‘Rusty’s got him! And I thought Rusty was after me! Wait a minute, it wasn’t me at all. He just hated the smell of that aftershave and that clone doctor was covered in the stuff!’
Later that night, Selby was safely home again and gobbling some of the Peanut Prawns he’d sneaked out of the fridge when Mrs Trifle came back from work.
‘It’s been a very unusual day,’ she said to Dr Trifle.
‘You can say that again,’ Selby thought.
‘Really? What happened?’ asked Dr Trifle.
