The Swedish Way to Parent and Play

by Kristina Henkel

  Kristina Henkel and Marie Tomičić

  Tranlsated by Paulina Essunger

  The Swedish Way

  to Parent and Play

  Advice for Raising Gender-Equal Kids

  “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.”

  —article 1 of the un universal declaration of human rights

  “All children are of equal value. You are unique. You and all other children and youth are to be respected. It does not matter what kind of family you have, what country you are from, what language you speak, what you believe in, what gender you are, with whom you fall in love, or whether you have a disability.”

  —the swedish public advocate for children

  Welcome

  It’s been a decade since we wrote the first lines of this book in Swedish. Nevertheless, the content is still current. That’s because gender equality is about freedom and rights and power: the power to impact our own lives and our society. Equality doesn’t happen on its own or automatically increase over time. It takes courageous and stubborn people who have the strength to change and to advocate.

  We would love to be able to cross off a number of gender traps and say, “That’s all in the past now.” But we are not there, yet. This edition includes all the old gender traps. And we’ve even added some new ones. Some of these are about boys and violence, because violence is a major societal problem. We’ve also written more about gender identity, because binary norms are beginning to soften. The gender-neutral pronoun hen is used by Swedish media and on blogs and TV shows; the singular they is becoming more common in English. More and more children are also challenging gender categories and creating their own identities.

  Over the years, we’ve heard wonderful things about our book, how it’s helped people see everyday gender inequalities and has increased gender equality for children. We want to extend our heartfelt thanks for all these wonderful comments! If you’re reading the book for the first time, we hope you will be inspired to think about and work on gender equality in new ways. If we work together, maybe we can cross off a few gender traps in time for the next edition. The children will be better off for it!

  Kristina Henkel and Marie Tomičić

  Contents

  Pep Talk

  Beyond Hitting vs. Hugging: More Ways of Playing

  Barbie and Batman

  Driving and Flying; All She Needs Is Your Love

  Bang, Bang! You’re Dead!

  That’s Not What Horses Sound Like!

  Once Upon a Time

  Girl’s Room, Boy’s Room, Playroom

  Playing It Safe

  Wow! That’s a Dragon Suit!

  All She Does Is Cook, Anyway

  Who Do You Have a Crush On?

  Gender-Equal Play

  Beyond Pretty vs. Tough: More Ways of Building Self-Esteem

  Happy Colors or Blue

  Dressing to Play or Dressing to Please

  A Skull by Any Other Name …

  Awww, Look How Pretty You Are!

  He Gets to Be a Little Bit Different

  He Only Wants to Wear Scary Clothes

  A Sock Is More Than Just a Sock

  Would You Have a Look at Her!

  But That’s How It’s Always Been Done!

  Gender Equality of Appearances

  Beyond Taciturn vs. Polysyllabic: More Ways of Using Language

  What’s … Ummmmm’s … Name?

  Come On, Girls! Hello, Boys!

  Are You a Boy or a Girl?

  And This Year’s Nobel Prize in Beading Goes To …

  Action Guys and Monster Dudes

  Tie Your Shoelaces!

  Who Gets to Speak and Where?

  Where Do You Live?

  What’s Your Dad’s Name?

  Gender Equality Through Language

  And They Played Happily Ever After: More Ways of Being Friends

  The Boys Are Over Here!

  Oh, They’re So Cute!

  It Was His Fault!

  Now They’re Wrestling Again

  The Law of the Jungle

  Playing in Pairs

  I’m Not Welcome

  But We’re Just Playing Around!

  Soccer or Ballet

  Come Celebrate!

  Gender Equality in Friendships

  Big Boys Don’t Cry: More Ways of Feeling

  Dry Your Tears!

  Sad Becomes Angry Becomes Sad

  Decisive or a Handful

  Now That’s a Good Girl!

  That’s Enough!

  A “No” of One’s Own

  Lovers’ Quarrel

  Will You Be My Valentine?

  Emotional Gender Equality

  Arms, Legs, Snippor, and Snoppar: More Ways for Bodies to Be

  Woohoo Voice or Boohoo Voice

  Take Your Seats, Please!

  Being Close

  Soft or Rough?

  Boys Don’t Sparkle

  Be Careful!

  Strong, Thinner, Loveliest

  But Her Hair Was So Pretty …

  What Do You Have Between Your Legs?

  Who Can Touch?

  Real Boys Stand Up

  Nice Girls Don’t Fart

  The Fastest One Wins

  Bodily Gender Equality

  In Preschool

  The Preschool Gender Equality Mission

  What Should Be Included in an Action Plan Against Abusive Treatment?

  Questions from Preschool Teachers

  Questions from Parents

  The Gender-Equal Preschool

  Practicing Gender Equality

  Open Your Eyes

  Within the Frame

  What Has Value?

  Complementing Each Other

  What Kind of Society Do We Want?

  Different Strategies, Same Goal

  When Worlds Collide

  Children Do as We Do

  Advice on the Road to Gender Equality

  Checking In

  Acknowledgments

  “My child was treated totally differently depending on whether she wore a red hat with flowers or a green hat with stripes with her dark blue overalls. When she wore the red one with the flowers, she’d be told that she looked very pretty. When she wore the green one, she’d be told that she looked very lively and strong.”

  —kristina henkel

  “Adults told my son that his white sneakers with sparkles were girls’ shoes. He was seven and really proud of having chosen those shoes himself.”

  —marie tomičić

  Pep Talk

  Imagine if Hugo and Omar could hug each other without being teased. Imagine if Omar were allowed to cry just like Adriana. Imagine if Ella didn’t have to clean up when Gustav made a mess. Imagine if Gustav could play with dolls. Imagine if all children were allowed to be how they want to be. Imagine if we, as adults, could stop limiting our children.

  This book is about how and when our children are gendered and made into girls or boys. It’s about gender traps and cruxes. We call them “traps” because they’re easy to fall into and they limit our children; “cruxes” because the questions are complex, and simple solutions cannot always be found. Gender traps and cruxes result in children being treated one-dimensionally. This, in turn, limits their potential to develop into free and unique individuals.

  To gender (verb) = To sort children, adults, toys, etc. as feminine or masculine, assign them different properties and values, and place different expectations on them.

  The gendering of children really jumped out at us once we had our own kids. Even though we’d often been assigned stereotypical roles as girls or women—roles we didn’t always feel comfortable in—we di
dn’t expect our children to be gendered so frequently and to such an extent. We also realized that, often, it wasn’t done on purpose; it happened at a subconscious level.

  Gender (noun) = Socially constructed sex. Ideas about what is considered feminine and masculine. These ideas can change over time.

  The gendering starts before a child is even born, during pregnancy. Most people are very curious (Do you know if you’re having a boy or a girl?) and look for clues. Everything, from the shape of the belly, to the heart rate, to how much the baby is kicking, is interpreted as some kind of sign. Once born, boys and girls are dressed in different kinds of clothes and in different colors. We speak to them using different tones of voice, using different words; when they cry, we interpret their cries differently. We attribute different characteristics to girls and boys, and we encourage them to behave differently. All in all, throughout their first years of life, children undergo a number of rituals that mold them into girls or boys. All of this occurs as if it were totally self-evident that it should be this way. Since childhood, we have been told that there are and should be differences between boys and girls; however, we don’t always consider the consequences for the children. We don’t consider that when we gender children, we approach them one-dimensionally. We don’t take into account the inequalities we create.

  In this book, we want to show easy ways of giving children more options, by treating them as individuals instead of as either girls or boys. The truth is, in spite of all the talk about gender equality and despite most people agreeing that equality is important and valuable, it’s not always that easy to take the step from thought to action. How, then, do we actually create gender equality?

  Gender equality (noun) = Giving all human beings—adults as well as children—equal opportunities, rights, and responsibilities, irrespective of gender.

  We have grouped the gender traps and cruxes into six chapters, each of which illustrates a different aspect of gender inequality. The examples are taken from everyday life, since that’s where we’re formed as individuals, children and adults alike: at the dinner table, during story time, while playing. These are the moments—though they may seem small and insignificant—when we create reality and can foster gender equality. When considered in isolation, any gender trap may seem benign, but, taken together, they indicate a structure in our society that gives the children we sort into the “girl” category one set of opportunities and those we sort into the “boy” category, another.

  We also offer suggestions for how to think and act in new ways in order to open up opportunities for children in the midst of everyday gender stereotyping. These suggestions are meant to inspire; as a reader, you will have your own ideas. Some suggestions will be easier to put into practice than others. Learning to do things differently may take a while, and it will probably take even longer before it comes naturally. But don’t give up! Little things make great things possible.

  Because preschool is such an important part of the lives of small children, we have chosen to dedicate a separate chapter to it, in which we offer suggestions to preschool teachers and parents about how to raise the issue of gender equality. The book concludes with an explanatory model of how gender inequality arises.

  This book is aimed at parents and other adults who come into contact with young children, and it builds on everyday experiences. The quotes and speech bubbles are drawn from what we’ve experienced in our professional and personal lives. They’re also based on a survey of parents and on interviews with companies and municipalities. For privacy, all the names in the book have been changed. In some cases, the quotes have been altered, but the spirit of the remarks is the same.

  Some will say that we, ourselves, fall into gender traps, since we generalize and categorize in terms of girls and boys. And this is true. We’re aware that real life is complex, and that there is more variation in terms of how girls and boys are treated than depicted in this book. The point of generalizing is to show the existing patterns that our children face. Without generalizations, it’s difficult to see what needs to change so that children can be offered more ways of being.

  Gender equality is important for all children. The point is not (at all) that all boys should wear dresses or that girls cannot play with dolls. It’s not about making everyone the same or about taking anything away. Gender equality is about variety; it’s about showing all children 100 ways of being instead of two.

  With hope for change,

  Kristina Henkel and Marie Tomičić

  Beyond Hitting vs. Hugging

  More Ways of Playing

  Barbie and Batman

  Two dolls. Both have names that start with the letter B. Apart from that, they couldn’t be more different. Barbie is a classic toy for girls, while Batman is aimed at boys. If we take a closer look at Barbie, we see that she needs shoes in order to stand, since her feet are made to fit in high-heeled shoes. (And even with them, she can’t really stand on her own!) It’s rare for her legs to be bendable, and it’s hard for Barbie to grip anything other than her small purse. Barbie is slender, with large eyes and large breasts: a fashion doll to dress and undress. Batman’s body is firm and muscular, and he can stand on his own. His hands are made to grab hold of different objects, and, in contrast to Barbie, his eyes are small or even completely hidden behind a mask. Batman’s jaw is set in a firm expression, unsmiling, like the contemporary ideal for men.

  When a child plays with the Batman doll, the doll is typically turned away, not facing the child. Playing with Batman is seldom a question of dressing and undressing, but more about the doll gliding through the air, jumping, flying a helicopter, running, or using different weapons to attack the enemy. Playing like this teaches independence, courage, and feeling unafraid. Batman does not signal that he needs to be taken care of, and the toy does not encourage hugs or intimacy.

  Playing with Barbie often is about changing her clothes and making her look nice, so the doll is often turned toward the child. Playing like this, children focus on communication, interaction, and relationships. That the ways of playing differ so much is also due to human characteristics and skills being attributed to Barbie. It’s not as easy to let Barbie become invisible or have her search for underground passages, as it is with Batman, since Batman already has an air of the supernatural, thanks to his fantastic cape and his fast Batmobile. Batman rarely gets to care for the horses or rearrange the furniture in the dollhouse.

  Batman, Spider-Man, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are seldom referred to as dolls. They are figures. To be on the safe side, the manufacturer adds the label “action”—action figures—lest anyone not understand that these toys are all about fast-paced exciting events and adventure. The crux with fashion dolls and action figures is that they send girls and boys the message that they are supposed to be different—that girls are supposed to devote themselves to clothes and looks, while boys are supposed to save the world and fight evil. Girls and boys are, in other words, encouraged to adopt and practice very different roles.

  In 1974, Sweden introduced parental leave benefits that give both mothers and fathers the right to stay home from work with pay in order to take care of their children.

  —Statistics Sweden

  In 2015 in the US, about 90% of women and 7% of men used parental leave, much of it unpaid.

  —Jay L. Zagorsky, “Divergent Trends in US Maternity and Paternity Leave, 1994–2015,” American Journal of Public Health, 2017

  Suggestions

  Create things with children. Let them sew capes and purses for both Batman and Barbie. Start by making a drawing and a pattern for the projects.

  Assign new roles to Barbie, Batman, and similar dolls. Batman can pick up the Batchildren from day care and then quietly drive home. With kids in the car, the Batmobile can’t be gunned quite as fast.

  Talk about how Barbie can go really, really fast in her super-short running skirt or how she tiptoes in order to spy on crooks. Show the child that a Teenage Mutan
t Ninja Turtle can cook meals and fall in love with another action figure he met at school.

  With their big eyes, the Bratz dolls have X-ray vision and can see through anything. Spider-Man has been injured and needs to go to the hospital to receive emergency care.

  Mix and vary the dolls and give all children dolls that are human-like, magical, and supernatural.

  Collect a bunch of Barbie dolls (secondhand Barbies are perfect!) with different color hair, eyes, and skin. Dress them up in dresses, shoes, swords, factory work clothes, and capes. And there you have it: a game with more role models and more diversity.

  Try to choose dolls that aren’t the most extreme in terms of perpetuating gender stereotypes. There are all kinds of different dolls and figures available.

  Driving and Flying; All She Needs Is Your Love

  “I was looking for a birthday present for my nephew. I wanted to give him a toy that has to do with the home, since he likes doing the dishes and vacuuming. The problem was that all the vacuum cleaners came in pink boxes with pictures of girls on the outside, and he’s big enough to understand that this means it’s a toy for girls.”

  —mikaela, aunt of a five-year-old

  “It’s easier for everyone if the dolls are in one aisle, and Spider-Man and Star Wars are in another. That way, customers don’t have to go on a wild goose chase.”

  “But why can’t the Batman and Star Wars dolls be shelved alongside the other dolls in the store?”

  “What? You mean, like, Batman would be next to Barbie?”

  “Yes, wouldn’t that make sense?”

  “Haha! Not really, since Batman isn’t a doll.”

  Thud! A toy catalog arrives in the mail. The kids devour it. Vroooom! There goes the car! But who’s driving? The pictures show both boys and girls in the cars, but only boys sit behind the wheel. On the pages showing balls, there are ten boys and two girls. Among the water guns, there are no girls at all. Just to be extra safe, the different pages have different colors. On the pink pages, we have baby dolls, makeup, and brushes. On the gray-blue pages we have cars, construction toys, and guns. The packaging follows these color schemes and designs, too. The boxes for toys intended for girls often have rounded corners and come in bright, warm, often sparkly colors. The boxes with toys intended for boys come in dark, dull colors, with sharp corners and often some dangerous image.