The Swedish Way to Parent and Play

by Kristina Henkel

  “It’s great as a stroller, too.”

  “But Astrid and I have already picked one out for her.”

  “Mom, I said that she doesn’t need a special doll stroller.”

  “Well, I know that girls really want those.”

  The presents are about to be opened. Everyone is excited! Everyone’s eyes are sparkling with anticipation. When we give a present, we want the recipient to like it. It’s a kind of affirmation. We show that we like the birthday child and can satisfy their wishes. Giving gifts is often as much about the giver as it is about the recipient.

  Presents can be a sensitive topic and hard to address with family and friends, who generally give gifts because they like our children and want the best for them. Gender-stereotyped presents are often a way of playing it safe. Giving soft animals, makeup, or sparkly stickers to girls, and dinosaurs, LEGOs, or a remote-control car to a boy, that’s a safe bet, right? When we’re shopping for presents while tired or under a lot of stress, we readily reach for whatever’s available. However, a child who already has five dolls or seven trucks is perhaps already an expert on playing with those and might appreciate new challenges.

  Suggestions

  Tell family and friends what kinds of gifts you want and need, so that the presents are appreciated.

  If your child already has a bunch of soft animals, cars, or crayons and receives more of the same, ask to exchange the gift for something else. It doesn’t have to be harder than exchanging an item of clothing that’s the wrong size.

  Presents don’t always have to be things. Give experiences instead. Invite children to a movie night, a day of baking cookies, or a picnic in the park. Being together is special enough.

  Give toys that encourage children to try activities other than those they usually engage in. Sparkly butterfly wings can be a big hit with a boy, and a whoopee cushion can make many girls laugh.

  Dare to buy toys that the manufacturer has “coded” as girly for a boy and vice versa. Don’t let the manufacturer’s marketing department limit your options.

  Wow! That’s a Dragon Suit!

  At a party, certain presents will evoke more delight from the adults than others. The more we oooh and aaah about a present, the clearer the message to children that this is something good and important that they should like. The crux is that we tend to reinforce and give attention to the things we expect that girls and boys will like, respectively. By offering positive, negative, or no feedback whatsoever, we show children what we approve of and appreciate, and how we want things to be. Few boys get to hear squeals of joy from adults when they open the arts and crafts kit, and few adults will probably start in on the Play-Doh with the same enthusiasm as they might with a race track. Children can tell, very quickly, what the adults approve of. They also rapidly learn what to do and how to behave to get that approval. What we adults do or do not approve of doesn’t just tell children what we enjoy, but also how we want our children to be—which indirectly tells them how we do not want them to be.

  Suggestions

  Having a chance to discover for yourself what’s underneath the wrapping paper is exciting. Give children time and space to open presents at their own pace, and let them have that experience in peace and maybe a little bit of quiet.

  See what happens if each present is affirmed as much or as little as the rest. How does that influence a child’s experience?

  If your child doesn’t have time to open all the presents because the first one got all the attention, save the rest for tomorrow. This makes the celebration last longer, and your child can open presents at a comfortable pace.

  All She Does Is Cook, Anyway

  “We gave him a doll, a boy doll, no less. He played with it for a little while and then threw it on the floor.”

  —nomi, parent of a four-year-old

  “When Smilla visits her grandparents, they always get out dolls and strollers. When her cousin Max visits, they get out the blocks. I’m sure they mean well, but it’s a bit frustrating.”

  —gustav, parent of two children

  “At day care, they say that it’s natural for boys to be loud and wild, that boys will be boys.”

  —felicia, parent of a three-year-old and a four-year-old

  “She received a whole box of LEGOs, but she just pretend-cooks with the pieces.”

  —christian, parent of a three-year-old

  When we give children watercolors for the first time, we show them that there are brushes, water, and paper. We show them that the brush needs to be dipped in the water, then brushed against the color, and then applied to the paper. Certain things require preparation and an introduction; we simply have to learn how it’s done. Even if it seems like girls automatically know how to play with dolls, and boys know how to play with cars, we’re often ignoring the introduction to that playing that’s been provided by other adults, children, siblings, or through various media. Although it’s not always intentional, both adults and children are often quick to recreate narrow gender roles.

  When new toys are given to children without an introduction, they will continue playing with them as they have been with other items. Children who play that they are taking care of and cooking for dolls and stuffed animals may use LEGOs as recipe ingredients. Children who are used to building things won’t see how plush toys fit into their games and will leave them off to one side.

  In 2015, Target announced that they would stop organizing toys and bedding by gender.

  When we try to broaden the scope of play for children and it doesn’t work, we often see this as proof that their behavior is biologically determined and can’t be changed. We underestimate the extent to which children, like adults, like doing what they know how to do and are good at. It’s easier for children to build with LEGOs or do beadwork when they know that they’re good at it. Being capable gives a sense of security.

  Experimenting and trying new things can be scarier, since there are often clear rules about what counts as success and what counts as failure. Success is result-oriented, like creating a nice painting or being the fastest runner. But we can choose to see the ability to develop and learn new things as success. We can focus on a child’s experience while painting, rather than the finished product, or on the feeling of running. This prevents children from being trapped in narrow roles, and lets them see ways of trying new things.

  In general, we tend to notice and amplify things that confirm our own ideas more than things and events that challenge us. This creates a cycle of reinforcement. Those who believe that girls are genetically programmed to be more caring will probably notice girls more when they are playing with dolls than when they are playing with cars. Similarly, it can be easier to see the boys who are playing with cars than those who are stringing beads.

  Suggestions

  Spend more time introducing traditional girls’ toys to boys and traditional boys’ toys to girls. Tell them how the toys can be used or, even better, take part in their playing and show them.

  Spend less time introducing traditional girls’ toys to girls and traditional boys’ toys to boys. Many others are already offering these introductions to your child.

  There’s a time and place for everything. Sometimes children aren’t receptive to new toys or games. Wait a while and try again later.

  Expand your own playfulness. Join in games that you don’t usually play, or in games that your child appreciates but that you find tedious. When you do, you improve your understanding of your child’s world and share more experiences inside it.

  Look for girls who are playing games or doing things that you generally think girls wouldn’t do. Do the same for boys. Use words to describe what you are seeing, so that these children’s actions become part of your frame of reference.

  Who Do You Have a Crush On?

  “Today Leya came home and told us that they had been playing a game at preschool. They were supposed to say who they have a crush on. But Leya didn’t want to because she doesn’t have
a crush on anyone. But her teacher got annoyed and said she should have just picked one of the boys.”

  —kamrin, parent of a five-year-old

  Many songs and games played at home and in day care or preschool are based on the idea that children are or will become heterosexual. In the traditional Swedish game Bro, bro, breja, the point of the game is to say who you like. And it can be a wonderful feeling, saying that person’s name, sure, but why are girls implored to say “his name” and boys “her name”? When a boy is in the middle, the song goes “What’s her name?” and when a girl is in the middle, “What’s his name?” Many songs and games reinforce heteronormative values, and we sing along, without considering what we are really telling children.

  What’s happening in these situations is that we’re implicitly assuming, in how we ask and what we ask, that the children are or will be heterosexual. It would be better for us to approach children with fewer preconceptions of this sort. A simple way of challenging heteronormativity is by leaving out the gender in these kinds of questions. “What’s their name?” works perfectly fine in this kind of situation. “They” can refer to anyone and lets children choose freely how they want to answer.

  Apart from that, we can also ask ourselves why it’s so important to have a crush on or be in love with anyone at all? In addition to requiring that a child name a person of a specific gender, songs and games often impose the norm that we should be in love with a single person. This rule is based on the idea that love, or rather, romantic love, is limited to a single person. Hollywood and Disney like to stoke the flames of this idea, but what are we missing out on if we’re taught to believe we should only feel love, romantic or otherwise, for a single person? Love can appear in many ways, and children are as open as we adults allow them to be. Children have no trouble being in love with several beings at the same time: their best friends, a hamster, and a grandparent.

  Suggestions

  Remember that it’s possible to love several people and that children do not have to choose a single person. Love is a good thing.

  Try replacing her or him with them in songs and games. Make a list of songs and games that are being played and check how many of them are heteronormative. Change the words so that everyone can feel included and recognized. Do the same thing for books and stories.

  Explore which songs and games place expectations on children about being in love. Can the games be played in other ways? Bro, bro, breja can be played by telling the children that they can choose someone they like: an aunt, sibling, friend, or why not themselves?

  In talking to children about liking someone, or about being in love or having a crush, use they/them to avoid assigning a gender to the person the child maybe likes, instead leaving the topic entirely open.

  “I like someone.”

  “Okay. What’s their name?”

  Gender-Equal Play

  How children interact with each other when they play, and with adults who join in their games, creates limits for what they can do, as do the things they play with, the materials those things are made of, and how the games are played. If we had gender-equal play—gender equality in playing and in games—we would simply have toys, not girls’ toys vs. boys’ toys. Stories and fairytales would be about all children, not just a select few, and all children would be allowed to set out on adventures in the home and out in the world. They would have opportunities to practice being independent individuals and caring relationship experts, breaking boundaries and following rules. While playing, they would be free to practice gross as well as fine motor skills, be free to wrestle with or hug each other. This equality in play would give children the opportunity to feel safe in many different roles and situations, and give them access to their whole imagination. Everything is possible in make believe. Babies can fly faster than jets, and Spider-Man makes delicious pancakes.

  Beyond Pretty vs. Tough

  More Ways of Building Self-Esteem

  Happy Colors or Blue

  “I like being able to tell the difference between girls and boys. I like buying blue clothes for my son.”

  —britt-marie, parent of a three-year-old

  “My son wanted a pink shirt. I was worried he’d get teased, so I lied and said that there weren’t any pink shirts, that they were all out. I bought a red shirt, instead.”

  —annika, parent of a four-year-old

  When the clouds part, and a spectacular rainbow appears, most of us are delighted and happy. The array of colors is incredible: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Colors are exciting and elicit emotions. But there’s a problem with the rainbow: the colors aren’t for everyone. Already at the age of four, children are remarkably unanimous in asserting that pink is for girls, and blue is for boys. Walk past any playground, and you’ll see this pattern. The children wearing blue, brown, black, gray, and green are most likely boys, and those wearing pink, purple, red, and yellow are very likely girls.

  Strollers, blankets, and diaper bags fall in line with these gendered color rules. Girls’ clothes and accessories have what we call warm colors, while those for boys are most often relegated to the so-called cool colors. Boys’ clothes are also often drabber than girls’ clothes, which are brighter and often feature white. Furthermore, girls clearly have access to most of the spectrum. No one would frown at a girl wearing blue or green overalls. But a boy in a pink coat or violet pants is a different story.

  Perhaps we’d like to buy more colorful clothes for a boy, but that would require venturing into the girls’ department, so the darker, colder colors will have to do. For adults, dark colors are often associated with status and power; they’re official and professional. Men’s business suits are seldom red, pink, green, or turquoise. Clowns, on the other hand, are always colorful. What values are we buying into for children? Do we think that children in clothes in warm colors and delicate materials are softer than those in cold colors and sturdy materials?

  Decisions about colors have practical consequences, too. Dirt shows up more easily on light colors, which means that kids wearing light colors are expected to be careful and not get their clothes dirty. Clothes that are supposed to be durable—for instance, clothes for jumping in puddles or for crawling through the forest—are often made in darker shades. However, colorful clothes are a source of happiness, and they’re easy to spot, which is a good thing in many contexts, not just on gloomy winter days.

  Different colors have different connotations in different cultures. In the West, white stands for innocence; black is power, danger, terror, and evil; yellow and orange are energy and action; pink, white, and pastels are fragility; green is nature and the environment; blue is confidence and quality; red is action, passion, and drama.

  —Marcus Jahnke, Formgivning Normgivning (Defining Form, Defining Norms), 2006

  Suggestions

  When you’re out shopping for clothes, try some new colors.

  If there are colors missing in the boys’ section, ask for more colors, or look for clothes in the girls’ section.

  Mix colors that are traditionally thought of as boys’ colors and girls’ colors. Blue with pink, black with purple, or green with orange and yellow.

  Use fabric paint to decorate clothes with your child. Most kids enjoy making their own designs and using glitter and sequins.

  Experiment with a color’s meaning. Let pink and yellow be dangerous, adventurous colors, and have brown and black be gentle colors.

  Dressing to Play or Dressing to Please

  “Pull up your pants, Lisa. They look really good, but your bottom is showing all the time.”

  —jens, parent of a five-year-old

  In Sweden, clothes are measured in centilong (cl). If an article of clothing says 110 cl, it’s supposed to be made for a child who is 110 centimeters tall. However, a 110 shirt in the girls’ department is often smaller than a 110 shirt in the boys’ department. Does this mean that girls who are 110 cm tall are shorter than boys who are 110 cm tall?<
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  Clothes for boys fit looser, too. They’re made in sturdy materials and are often reinforced at the knees or elbows to withstand lots of active playing. Clothes for girls are often tight, fitted, and made from thinner fabric. Even denim pants are often fitted, with a low waistline. Matched with short shirts that only barely extend past the waist, these clothes constrain girls’ movements. It’s hard to climb and run and have fun if you have to fuss with and tug at your clothes the whole time to cover your belly or bottom. In the winter, it can get pretty cold, too.

  Some of the major children’s clothes manufacturers insist that fashion governs the differences between girls and boys; fashion makes girls’ clothes so tight and fitted. Other manufacturers claim that they don’t focus on fashion. Either way, when clothes that are meant for boys fit differently from clothes that are meant for girls, children don’t have equal opportunities to be children, to move freely and have their bodies to themselves. Imagine if all children were allowed to wear clothes that are comfortable and kind to their bodies, and that are good for crawling, sneaking, running, and being mischievous.

  Suggestions

  Pick the style and material of an outfit based on what the child will be doing, so that you don’t limit their freedom of motion.

  For a looser fit, choose the next size up when you buy clothes in the girls’ section. Shop for leggings for boys in the girls’ department.

  Set aside clothes that you don’t think are good for your child.

  A Skull by Any Other Name …

  “Here, why don’t you wear this Spider-Man hat, instead? Spider-Man is much cooler than Peppa Pig.”