If the staff at your child’s day care center or preschool routinely suggest that girls play with girls, and boys with boys, talk to them about it.
Oh, They’re So Cute!
“Teo was so cute when he was playing with Lisen. He pushed her against the wall and tried to kiss her.”
—susanne, parent of a one-year-old
“My little Astrid is Ludde’s future wife.”
—denaida, grandparent of a one-year-old
“They’ve been best friends since they were two years old. When they started school, they got teased for being in love. Now they don’t play with each other until after school. Mia has other friends, but Viggo is all alone during recess.”
—peter, parent of a seven-year-old
Two boys or two girls who are best friends rarely get asked if they’re in love or whether they’re going to get married when they grow up. But boys and girls who play with each other are often told how cute they are together. The trap we fall into is labeling their friendship as romantic love. In general, adults expect children to be heterosexual. This influences ideas about friendships and makes it harder for boys and girls to play together. By the age of four, most boys and girls already know who is “supposed to” be friends with whom and how they are supposed to act toward each other. Heteronormativity means that girls and boys are supposed to play apart. Children who are friends with someone outside their gender have to figure out how they’re going to handle that and explain to the rest of the world that they’re not in love, they’re “just” friends. Children who play inside the gender lines don’t have to worry about this. When adults try to fit children’s friendships into adult preconceptions about heterosexual love, children lose a lot of friends. Having to give up a close and dear friend just because of their gender can be very hard.
Heteronormativity means that everyone is expected to be heterosexual. Masculine and feminine are conceived of as opposites, which means that inequality is considered natural. Heteronormativity reduces gender equality to statistics—the number of women and the number of men. Heteronormativity affects pretty much everything in our lives, for example our conceptions of friendship, family, and love.
Suggestions
Interpret children’s close friendships as love, not romantic love.
Show children that friendship and love can take many forms. Girls and boys can be friends, boys can be in love with boys, and girls can be in love with girls.
Present them with a variety of friendships and ways of loving, for instance by reinterpreting fairy tales and other stories. Let Cinderella be best friends with the prince or let her fall in love with another princess.
Let children express their feelings for their friends using their own words.
It Was His Fault!
“I don’t want Agaton and Eskil to play with each other. Eskil always has them breaking stuff and drawing on the walls, and he always wants to be the boss of everything.”
—johan, parent of a two-year-old and a four-year-old
“At home, my son gets more negative attention, even though I really try not to get angry when he’s emptied the soap bottle all over the bathroom for the hundred-millionth time.”
—helen, parent of a one-year-old, a three-year-old, and a five-year-old
“Your son spends a lot of time teasing other children. He’s always ruining things for the others when they’re playing.”
—ann-charlotte, teacher
“Boys fight and ruin stuff. They’re not fun to play with.”
—yasmin, hedda, and felicia, age nine
The idea of boys as mischievous and rowdy is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. The image is based on our expectations that boys are physical, wild, mischievous rule-breakers. One consequence is that boys often feel that adults side with “the girls,” and that no matter what happens, boys are always blamed. We adults will often assume we know what’s happened and who did what. The image of the rowdy boys is reinforced by boys generally receiving more negative attention than girls: they are told what they’re not allowed to do or what they shouldn’t have done. It’s also very common for one or two boys to be blamed for everything. Boys who are often mischievous and break stuff are blamed for one thing after another, even if they had nothing to do with it. In those circumstances, those boys stop listening to what adults say and adopt the mantra It wasn’t me! They use this to try to protect themselves against all the negative attention. Another way they try to handle the negative role adults assign them is by trying to make being rowdy and not listening to adults into something cool.
In addition to the fact that boys come to school on average having more problems, they also get penalized more for having these behaviors.
—“Boys Bear the Brunt of School Discipline,” US News, 2016
Research suggests that children younger than 11 don’t learn from reprimands. Their brains are made to learn from success, not failure.
—Anna C. K. van Duijvenvoorde, et al., “Evaluating the Negative or Valuing the Positive? Neural Mechanisms Supporting Feedback-Based Learning Across Development,” Journal of Neuroscience, 2008
The image of boys as wild and misbehaving is something that all children need to figure out how to deal with. Many girls don’t want to play with boys because of this negative image. Landing the role of rowdy destroyer-of-stuff and having to live up to it isn’t much fun.
Aggressive self/destructive behavior in children and teens should always be interpreted as an invitation. The child is inviting you to help them change something because they’re not okay.
—Jesper Juul, Aggression: Ett Nytt Och Farligt Tabu (Aggression: A New and Dangerous Taboo), 2014
Suggestions
Replace don’t, can’t, and no with words that describe what you do want the child to do. That way, you’re offering children an opportunity instead of a constraint.
Instead of: No, don’t climb out the window.
Say: If you’d like to go out, please use the door.
Instead of: You can’t run across the street.
Say: You can skip or walk here, next to me.
By replacing no and don’t with opportunities, you can avoid a lot of nagging, and when you do need to use no and don’t, the children will have a better chance of hearing you.
Point out when children, especially boys, are kind, helpful, and friendly.
Help children who are often rowdy find a new, more positive role to play by assigning them the responsibility of helping a younger child or taking care of an animal or an imaginary friend.
Invite children who act disruptively to take part in games. Talk about what they’re doing instead of blaming them for it.
Adam and Minna are sad when you kick apart the stuff they’ve built. Come, let’s help them build it even bigger.
If a child it stuck in a negative role, give them an imaginary friend who can absorb the negative attention and let the child be the problem-solver.
Here we go again. Little Monster has been drawing on the wall. How can we make Little Monster understand that we draw on paper, not on walls?
Let children be part of figuring out what to do about situations they’ve created. That can reduce the sense of guilt and help them find a more positive role and take responsibility:
What you did with Nils’ hat wasn’t funny. No one is allowed to throw anyone else’s hat in a puddle. What can we do now to make things better?
Let the children explain what happened. That helps make a child’s thoughts clear so that you can notice them instead of your own assumptions. Ask open, not loaded questions.
• What happened?
• What were you thinking at that point?
• How did that make you feel?
• What can we do now?
Make sure that no child receives too much negative attention, especially not boys.
Introduce “Yes Rules” that say what we’re allowed to do instead of rules that only say what’s not allowed. Talk with your child abo
ut the “Yes Rules” that apply at home, at preschool, and other places.
Now They’re Wrestling Again
Simon is grabbing Niklas roughly around the waist and trying to push him over. Or perhaps Simon walked up to Niklas and is giving him a super-big hug, almost knocking them both over? When very young boys hug each other, everyone thinks it’s very cute. But as they get a little older, the hug transforms into wrestling or rowdiness. Men rarely hug, and when they do it often involves slapping each other’s backs.
LGBT people are more likely to be targets of hate crimes than any other minority group.
—New York Times, 2016
Strict gender codes tell us how we’re supposed to express affection with our friends. Boys have to make do with pushing each other to show affection. Hugs and other signs of intimacy are reserved for girls. Ironically, boys are often very close to each other during sports and showering. In those contexts, derogatory jokes about gay people and old ladies serve as proof of being a “real man” who takes a clear stand against femininity and homosexuality in order to fit some notion of what a man should be. But don’t boys need to feel closeness, too? What happens to boys who never get hugged?
Suggestions
Have hugs be part of friendships and let all children be friends.
Model good friendship behaviors by being close with your friends.
Let all children experience positive physical contact and encourage intimacy among all children, especially among boys.
Give stuffed animals traditional boy names and show that they like to cuddle.
Giving and receiving massages is a good way of learning positive physical contact. Through massage, we practice touching somebody else in a soft and comfortable way, and we learn how to express what feels good or not for us, too. Plus, massage helps us relax and satisfies our need to be close to someone.
The Law of the Jungle
“The boys race to be the first one out on the playground, the first one in after break, and the first one to get their bike or snack, or anything. It’s extremely tiresome.”
—ulla, teacher
“Greger is always driven to get ahead of his big sister. He’s incredible, a real mini-bulldozer.”
—tobias, parent of a two-year-old and a four-year-old
Who’s the strongest? Who can jump the highest? Knowing who is the tallest, strongest, and best is part of the idea of men’s friendships. From a young age, boys are seen as competitors who like to challenge themselves and others. Rarely are the competitions about who can draw the best or be the best buddy. The focus is often on physical activities and on being brave. This conception of boys’ friendships also includes the idea that they like to spend their time in large groups. Playing in large groups has benefits, because the children get to practice getting along and, ideally, expressing themselves in a large group and listening to others. A big group allows for community and provides context. It also offers the opportunity to practice competing, which can be positive for creativity and personal development.
Often, adults won’t participate in boys’ games in the same way they do with girls. Boys will often play at a greater distance away from adults. This becomes very clear in preschool, when girls will often play right where the adults are, and the boys play without adults observing them. This means that boys often have to negotiate their rules entirely on their own, which in turn means that brute force will often rule: the loudest and wildest boy gets to decide. Being able to claim space and to challenge others are important skills, but not when there’s nothing to counterbalance them. Practicing getting along and collaborating is just as important.
The idea that men and boys are blunter in how they communicate with each other and therefore have an easier time handling conflicts is a myth. Being blunt is supposed to mean being clear about what you think and feel. But when the law of the jungle applies, there isn’t much space for personal opinions, which means that straightforward and honest communication is not easy at all.
Changing rules or roles within the norms of a group is one thing; suggesting entirely new rules and trying to change one’s own role within the group is another. Those who try to challenge the group or who don’t live up to the ideals and norms in place are most often made to conform. Boys show each other what’s what by physically hurting each other or by teasing and laughing at those who don’t abide by the norms. The stronger the peer pressure and the hierarchy, the harder it is to challenge the group’s ideals and norms. Getting personal isn’t part of the image of boys’ friendships. Instead, boys are expected to keep a certain physical distance from each other, and a certain distance from their own feelings. Displaying signs of vulnerability in front of the group is taboo, so it’s important to stay in control, and not let your emotions show, to fit the image of a “real boy.” Once they reach a certain age, children punish departures from the boy norm using expressions along the lines of What are you, a girl? and You cry like a girl! Boys learn to stake out their identities at an early age by saying that they are not girls, or by rejecting things that are considered “girly.” Denigrating girls and what girls do becomes part of being a boy.
Distancing yourself from what is considered girly is an important aspect of masculine community.
—Yvonne Hirdman, Genus: Om det stabilas föränderliga former (The Mutable Shape of the Immutable), 2002
Suggestions
Boys are told by so many sources that they should compete with each other and challenge each other. Help them have access to games where they don’t have to do that, and highlight features other than competition when boys play.
• What a great pass he made. He must be very responsive!
• What a nice pit you have dug together!
• You are so kind to Jonas!
Play with boys and practice getting along and interacting. Cook food or bake together. Give children, especially boys, opportunities to play in pairs and small groups.
Encourage all children to find their own path and be their own Pippi Longstocking.
Explain that being like everyone else is not a requirement. It’s fun and exciting when people are different.
Encourage games that enable collaboration. Award points for passes rather than goals scored. Award points for helping a friend rather than for finishing first. Do baking projects and see how long you can make a snake of dough if everyone helps out.
Have children compete against themselves rather than against each other: How fast did you run today? Can you run even faster tomorrow?
Give your child a little sensitive figure who is afraid of not winning, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of monsters under the bed, and so on. Your child can help the little figure overcome their fears; this can help children who feel they aren’t good enough.
Playing in Pairs
There’s another myth and gender trap having to do with friendship, and that’s the notion that girls are better off playing in pairs. If there are three of them, one will be left out, or maybe have to be the dog, when they play house. Playing animals can be a lot of fun, but not when it’s a way of signaling that someone has a lower status or that someone isn’t really allowed to be part of a game.
Playing in pairs often has benefits because children have a chance of practicing close interaction. They practice listening to each other, caring, negotiating and compromising, and being flexible in a close relationship. This creates a sense of security and closeness and helps with language development. But adult expectations about girls not playing well in threes also limits them. Girls who play together in pairs are careful to be similar to their “best friend.” The security best friends feel is based on a sense of belonging that in turn is often based on similarity: no one stands out or is different.
This makes girls who play together a lot develop a habit of trying to control each other. Another consequence of the twosomeness is that girls conceive of competition as something negative. Competing with each other poses a risk to the strong twosomeness.
Many girls handle this by saying that competition isn’t important or that they don’t care about winning. We adults nod approvingly, since it matches our preconceptions about girls not being competitive. Competition is based on the idea that there’s a variety of opinions and characteristics among those who participate.
Preconceptions about girls also include the idea that they’re good at gossiping behind each other’s backs. It wouldn’t be surprising if this were actually accurate, given that the concept of friendship is based on being used to having one person all to yourself and your similarity with that person. Under those circumstances, any influx of people or any other way of being poses a threat. Saying mean things about someone becomes a way of shoring up the defenses that protect a pair and its twosomeness, and of keeping others out. The importance of being alike makes conflicts unpleasant because they threaten the closeness of the two girls. In much the same way as the law of the jungle, the world of best friends creates fixed roles and clear rules. Just because everything seems to be going smoothly doesn’t mean that everything is just fine and perfectly equal. One child may play the leadership role the whole time, or be the creative one, or the funny one, or the one who always follows along and adapts. The opportunities for practicing different roles and trying on new characteristics are limited in much the same way as under the rule of brute force.
In the US, 54% of business owners are men and 36% are women. (The remaining 10% are male/female owned or publicly held.)
—US Census Bureau Survey of Business Owners, 2012 statistics, published 2017
Suggestions
Encourage girls to play in groups of three and in larger groups. Have two friends over for a playdate instead of one.
The Swedish Way to Parent and Play Page 7
