The Swedish Way to Parent and Play

by Kristina Henkel

  Suggestions

  Let all children experience their tears and sad feelings, even if it feels hard. Don’t smooth things over; stay close to them, hold them, and let their sadness take time so that you’re demonstrating that it’s okay to be sad.

  Let boys, especially, cry and help them put words to their emotions. Tell them that tears are good because they help get the sadness out of the body so it doesn’t have to stay there.

  Movies and books can offer good role models for feelings. Talk about situations in which men and boys have cried when they’ve been sad.

  Show your child that you cry when you’re sad and that sadness is a feeling that exists and something that passes. Name your own emotions:

  • Now I’m sad.

  • I’m crying now because I’m sad, but it will pass in a while.

  • I’m feeling upset right now and need to be upset for a little while.

  Play games with your child where you imagine situations that are sad. Show that it’s okay to cry and to comfort by exploring how to express sadness and how to comfort someone.

  Sad Becomes Angry Becomes Sad

  “My sister’s such a crybaby. She cries over the smallest thing and runs to daddy and tells. But not my brother. He just gets up and keeps on going.”

  —marco, big brother of a three-year-old and a five-year-old

  “He’s angry and throws tantrums almost all the time. I don’t know what it is or what to do. But I guess he’s at that age now.”

  —stefan, parent of a six-year-old

  “Girls cry so much. It’s hard to take all the fake tears seriously.”

  —christel, day care teacher

  Adults teach girls from a very young age to mask their anger so that, after time, it is even unrecognizable to themselves.

  —Sharon Lamb, The Secret Lives of Girls: What Good Girls Really Do—Sex Play, Aggression, and Their Guilt, 2001

  Since our culture gender-codes feelings so thoroughly, children learn to transform their feelings into the accepted and expected form early on. If we see two kids on the jungle gym, and one of them is crying and the other one screaming and kicking, we typically interpret the crying one as sad and the kicking one as angry. But it might be the exact opposite.

  Boys are taught to transform sad feelings and express them as anger and frustration, which are much more accepted ways of expressing themselves than crying. For girls, it’s the opposite: their anger is transformed into sad feelings and is expressed by crying. What happens is that two emotions are joined together and expressed as the same emotion. Eventually, it makes it difficult for children to distinguish between the two emotions. Both anger and sadness are important feelings. Anger signals where our limits are and allows for a forceful no. When we’re sad, we’re showing what’s valuable and important to us.

  Children who cry a lot may not have any other ways of expressing their feelings. Similarly, children who fight and fuss a lot may be using the only way they know how. They might be sad inside and might long for a warm hug, but instead they’re met with cold words and pushed away. The more they fight and fuss, the further from that warm hug they’ll find themselves, and the more they’ll continue to fight and fuss.

  There’s another aspect to difficult emotions. If children don’t learn how to handle difficult emotions, there’s a great risk that they’ll hurt themselves or others. Girls often turn inward with their feelings, becoming quiet and critical of themselves, while boys act out and become troublemakers. How we deal with our emotions affects how we feel, both as children and later in life.

  Suggestions

  Help children tell the difference between being sad and being angry by validating and naming all of their feelings:

  • I see that you’re angry.

  • I see that you’re sad.

  • I see that you’re frustrated.

  Hold children when they are sad and when they’re angry. By being there to share their feelings, you’re showing them that both emotions, sadness and anger, are okay.

  What strategies do you have for dealing with your anger? Talk to your child about what you can do when you’re angry. For instance, it might help to stamp your foot hard on the floor and say very loudly, I’m so angry! Or maybe go outside and yell at the top of your voice.

  Instead of saying, You’re not allowed to hit, hold your child and say calmly, We don’t hit. This lets you affirm the child’s feelings but avoid shaming and blaming them. You also send the message that hitting is not okay even if you’re angry.

  Draw faces representing a variety of feelings. Your child can draw their own pictures of faces to express a feeling, or point to pictures of different faces expressing different emotions. The faces can be used in conflicts to name feelings.

  We’re all different. Explain that people feel happy, sad, frustrated, angry, and frightened about many different things. Because we’re different, sometimes it’s hard to understand each other’s feelings, and that’s why it’s important that we talk with one another about how we’re feeling.

  Decisive or a Handful

  “We’re having some problems with our daughter.”

  “I see …”

  “She’s so stubborn.”

  “Okay …”

  “Well, you know what happens to girls like that when they grow up. They have a hard time. So, we need to do something.”

  We want girls to claim their space, take what’s theirs, and speak out. But just as with boys and crying, it’s only okay up to a certain point. It’s not quite as bad to be a stubborn girl who acts out as it is to be a boy who cries a lot, but almost. Stubbornness in a boy is taken to be a sign of endurance and awareness and of being strong-willed, while stubborn girls are seen as tiresome and annoying and as having been raised poorly. The very same behavior is described in entirely different ways depending on the child’s gender. The different words we use carry different values. It’s much better to be strong-willed than to be tiresome, better to be stubborn than contrary. The words we use to interact with our children affect how they see themselves, and the extent to which they dare test, develop, and push their own thoughts and ideas.

  Suggestions

  Take stubbornness in all children as something positive that stems from a strong sense of purpose. Support all children’s uniqueness by letting them put their own thoughts and ideas into practice. Let them come up with a recipe for the cake and bake it to see if it works. Let them walk barefoot in the rain to see what that feels like and whether they enjoy it. Let them try wearing their shirts as pants. Having an idea and carrying it out builds confidence and self-esteem.

  Don’t guilt children; instead, help them understand and name their own emotions. Validate their feelings by telling them how you usually react in a similar situation. That way, the focus shifts away from the child, which means they don’t have to stay on the defensive.

  I can tell that you are angry, and I see that you are hitting. When I’m angry I usually go outside and bang on a tree. Would you like to try that?

  Role models are important. Talk about past and contemporary stubborn and inventive girls and women. Here are a few examples: Jane Goodall lived with and did research on gorillas. Anna Lindh was Sweden’s foreign minister. Stephanie Kwolek invented the super-strong material called Kevlar that’s used for trampolines and bulletproof vests. Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly across the Atlantic, twice.

  Now That’s a Good Girl!

  “Selma is such a good girl. She gets dressed on her own. I never have to help her.”

  —nicolas, parent of a three-year-old

  “She plays so well. She’s so good at adapting.”

  —karen, parent of a four-year-old

  “What a brave boy to have your blood drawn! Is your little brother as brave as you?”

  “She’s my little sister, not my brother, and I’m not a boy.”

  “Oh! What a good girl you are having your blood drawn, then.”

  —pediatricia
n, talking to a five-year-old

  Being “good” means taking responsibility, helping, and performing well. That all sounds fine. But if we add that being good also means pleasing others, it’s not quite as exciting. The word good is most often used for girls when they follow rules, do what they’re told, and make things easier for others. They’re also told that they’re good when they draw, get dressed, have had a shot, or play with blocks. Many girls are constantly told that they are good no matter what activity they engage in. The goodness mantra starts at an early age for girls. Being good becomes a way of getting recognition and attention. But the crux is that good children easily come to forget themselves. A good girl is a child who is skilled at reading her environment’s expectations and adapting to them. Her own desires and needs are set aside.

  If children are told that they are good no matter what activity they’re doing, being good becomes part of their identity. They quickly learn that what they do for others is what’s important, not who they are. When good girls no longer can live up to the others’ expectations, they fail. Instead of questioning the reasonableness of what’s required of them, they feel guilty and think there’s something wrong with them. If they only try a little harder, make themselves look a little nicer, read what others want a little better, then maybe they can still be good girls. In the adult world, good-girlness takes its toll. Many women can’t take being a wonderful wife, caring mother, passionate lover, inspiring friend, and awesome colleague or boss. Burnout and other symptoms of fatigue are not unusual among those who strive to live up to the ideal.

  Suggestions

  Recognize and name characteristics and activities, rather than your child’s goodness:

  • How fun that you’ve baked a cake!

  • How curious you are!

  • How inventive you are!

  • You get dressed very eagerly.

  • You’re so fun!

  • You’re careful when you build.

  Ask questions and give children a chance to describe their experiences themselves instead of telling them they’re good.

  • How did you go about cleaning your room?

  • How did you balance all the bowls when you carried them to the kitchen?

  Use the word good sparingly, especially with girls. They’re already told in so many different ways that they’re supposed to be good. Confirm what a child is doing without evaluating it. Confirmation and recognition can go quite far!

  • I see that you are climbing.

  • I see that you are drawing.

  • I see that you are parking the car.

  Teach all children to ask for help when they need it. Accepting help does not mean that you’re weak or somehow less good as a person. Accepting help is brave, and it’s something adults could practice doing.

  That’s Enough!

  At the preschool Solrosen, the children are sitting in a ring. Lisa, Milla, and Eskil are talking with each other and are having a hard time sitting still. The teacher gives Lisa and Milla a stern look and says, Get it together girls—it’s circle time. That’s enough! As with stubbornness, the tolerance level is different depending on the gender of the child who’s testing the limits and rules. Girls are expected to understand and follow rules better than boys. Which means that girls end up being more careful, on average, than boys about following rules. Girls often become the rule police. They try to control what gets done and by whom. Boys are indirectly encouraged to test and break rules, since nothing much happens when they do break existing rules. Rule violations are excused on account of boys having all that “boy energy,” or “boys being boys,” or it just being a “boyish prank.” Instead of being reprimanded, boys are often seen as naturally creative, bold, and strong-willed when they don’t adapt to the rules of the game. The crux here is that this backfires on boys in the long run. It becomes hard for them to tell when it’s a good thing to overstep limits and when it’s definitely not allowed. For girls, it’s the opposite. The more important it is to get it right, the more energy they spend on correcting things, and the harder it is to paint outside the preexisting lines. All children need to learn which rules are absolute and which ones are negotiable. In life, we need to be able to identify and follow rules, as well as dare to question the rules that already have been established. To a large extent, creativity has to do with daring to turn things upside down to find new ways of thinking and doing.

  Suggestions

  “The hand” can be used as a method to teach children to wait their turn. Put your hand up as a stop sign for the person who interrupts. Do not make eye contact with the person who wants to interrupt. Finish talking. When you’re done, turn to the interrupter and give them affirmation:

  So great to see that you’ve waited your turn. What was it you wanted to say?

  Before you introduce this method, talk it over with your child. Many children will in turn use the method for when they don’t want to be interrupted by others.

  Talk to children who don’t follow rules, or often challenge them, about what the rules are good for and why they’re important. Offer positive feedback and recognition when rules are being followed.

  In the US, three-quarters of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.

  —US Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Crime Victimization Survey, 2010–2016 (2017)

  Make sure to show children who are very concerned about following the rules that rules aren’t always absolute. Girls, especially, need to understand that sometimes there’s room to modify instructions, rules, and limits, and that doing so can be positive.

  It’s better to establish a few rules and make sure that they’re really adhered to, than it is to have a lot of rules that you don’t have the time or energy to enforce.

  Take responsibility for making sure that rules are followed and talk about the fact that you are doing this. That helps children not have to be the rule police at the expense of their own creativity.

  Participate in games and play with your child, letting them decide on the rules. The journey may prove exciting and it’s a wonderful thing for children to be in charge and get to set the rules instead of just following them.

  A “No” of One’s Own

  “Joel, can you help me pick up the toys?”

  “I’m building.”

  “Karin, perhaps you can help?”

  “I’m building, too.”

  “Someone has to help me. It won’t take long. Come on, Karin.”

  “But I didn’t use them.”

  “No, but we’ve agreed that we all have to help, right?”

  In 2018, Sweden passed a law on sexual consent. It is now punishable by law to have sex with a person who has not consented or actively shown that they want to have sex. The burden is now on the accused to prove consent. Previously, the burden was on the accuser. The new law removes the requirement that the perpetrator had to have used violence or threats, or abused the victim in a particularly vulnerable situation in order to be convicted. The new law on sexual consent is a major change and an important one.

  All children have the basic right to say both yes and no and to be heard. They have the right to express what they want and to signal where they draw the line. But no isn’t always taken to mean no. Many people interpret a girl’s no as negotiable. It might be a question of trying to persuade them to paint and draw since the materials are already set out, or it might be to make them do something they really don’t want to do. A boy’s no is seen as a sign of decisiveness, that he really knows what he wants, and is met with greater respect. Children quickly learn the rules of the game. When your no is not met with respect, you grow uncertain, you feel like you don’t matter. Many children have no other recourse than running to get a grown-up, which earns them the label of “needy.” Instead of reading their behavior as an expression of no not being respected, or that they can’t make clear where they draw the line, they’re seen as gossipy and whiny. Every time they have to use an adult to get a result a
nd have their voices heard, and every time we as adults assume the role of fixer, it grows harder for these children to find their own no. But how are children without a no of their own supposed to protest if they’re the victim of verbal or physical abuse? We’re only able to say yes or no, and own it, once we respect our own feelings.

  Suggestions

  Help all children develop their own clear no. Saying No! or Stop! with a loud voice and a hand held out as a stop sign works very well for young children, too. Teach your child to show where they draw the line. A good, simple method to practice is:

  1. Name what’s happening: You are teasing me.

  2. Name your feeling: When you tease me, I get sad.

  3. Say what you want to have happen: Stop teasing me.

  Follow your gut instinct! Sit on a swing with your child. Ask them how it feels in the pit of their stomach: Awesome, butterflies, or scary? Talk about how it’s important to listen to your stomach and to trust your stomach. If it feels good in your stomach, it’s a good thing: Yes, it’s an awesome feeling; I want to do this! If it feels bad, that’s a no: No, it feels scary. I don’t want to!

  Always ask a child if they want a hug before you hug them.

  • May I hug you?

  • Would you like a hug?

  We have to teach all children about consent and the right to their own body. How do we know if someone wants to do something? Play together and tickle each other and talk about how you can see or know if the person who is getting tickled wants to be tickled.