"It's better this way," she murmured.
"What did you say, Amy?" Sally's question startled her; Amethyst looked across the coach at her. After a few seconds, the red head pasted a falsely cheerful smile on her face.
"It'll be good to be home, don't you think?"
*
Being home wasn't exactly what Amethyst expected. She'd thought it would feel familiar and safe, the city wrapping a blanket of security around her.
Instead, it overwhelmed her as a stream of callers and invitations to teas and dinners arrived. She felt like everyone was avidly assessing her reaction to Brian's death. The Werens were barely mentioned, since all three of them responded to any remark with the fact they'd been very nice people.
It was a week after her return when Amethyst found herself with enough time to sit and write to Chase. Staring at the blank notepaper, she wondered what to write. She was certain he'd want to know they'd arrived safely and that she thought of him.
Amethyst suddenly realized there were many things she wanted to say, now that the chance to do so face to face was gone. He was living the life he was suited for, and she had returned to the one she was accustomed to, or had been. It now felt strange to her. She supposed the feeling of strangeness would fade with time and she could return to her old habits.
Setting the tip of the pen to paper, she began to write. Whether or not he'd respond, Amethyst didn't know. She couldn't even begin to hope for a reply for a month or more, knowing it took three months to travel from one end of their patrol territory to the other. The only place she knew she could send a letter was the inn at Adersol.
Later, having sent the letter off, Amethyst set herself to relearning how to live her normal life.
The one that seemed empty without a pair of pale gold eyes to gaze into as she pleased.
*
Sliding off his horse, a weary Chase told his three companions, "I'll check."
A little over two months had passed since they'd last been here. The Weren winced at the memory as he stepped onto the inn's wide wooden porch and crossed to the door. The sharp, cold pain he'd felt in his heart that day had faded to a deep constant ache at the absence of his red haired love.
Pulling the door open and entering the common room, he was surprised by the smile on the innkeeper's face as he hurried out from behind the bar. "Welcome, my lord. Two rooms and stabling for four horses, if I remember correctly?"
"Yeah, thanks," Chase replied, the ready welcome unexpected.
"Done. I have a letter for you, from the lady you guided. Been nigh on three weeks since it arrived. I put it in my strongbox for safekeeping, so I'll retrieve it while you tend your horses and have it waiting for your return." Now feeling a surge of excitement, Chase smiled in response and the man beamed back.
The Weren nodded and turned to leave, his heart suddenly light. Amethyst had written to him! Maybe she'd changed her mind. Or maybe, Chase thought as his euphoria took a nosedive, she's in trouble and needs me. The thought filled him with worry as he stepped back out onto the porch. "Let's take care of the horses."
"Got rooms and dinner I don't have to cook?" Kyle asked as all three straightened up.
"Yeah." A faint frown appeared on Chase's face. Curtis asked the question they all wanted to.
"What's happened?" The change in Chase was obvious. His shoulders had lost the defeated looking slump they held for the last two months and his expression was more alert.
"There's a letter from Amethyst waiting on me when we get done."
Trading suddenly hopeful looks, the three Weren hustled their horses across the yard while Chase followed more slowly, leading his.
*
Holding the envelope with almost reverent fingers, Chase quelled the urge to rip it open and discover the contents as they trooped upstairs to their rooms. Once in the one they would share, Curtis excused himself after dropping his gear on the floor. As soon as the door closed, Chase ran a fingernail under the edge of the wax seal holding the envelope closed and broke it off.
In a second, he was unfolding the enclosed letter, his eyes eagerly searching out the beginning.
Dearest Chase
After an exhausting trip by coach, we've arrived safely in Taryton once more. It feels rather strange to sit here at my desk, with the noises of the city outside my window, and be writing this letter to you.
I supposed it'll quickly become commonplace to me again, just as the quiet of the border did once I'd been there a while.
Everyone is most eager to welcome us back into civilization, though I do feel that's partly a response to the news of Brian's death. Perhaps it's harsh of me to think, but the avid air about them as they press us for details of our Deadlands adventure is unsettling.
It will fade in time, this uncomfortable celebrity.
There's so very much I want to say, but writing's not the same and it would be cowardly of me to commit such words to paper when I had the opportunity to speak them. However, I suppose we did say what was most important, as well as some things that were almost as important. Didn't we? The decision was made with an agreement by both of us, and is done now.
I don't look with regret upon the time we spent together. I consider myself blessed to have experienced it. I think of you often, Chase. I'm certain there won't be a day that passes in my life where the thought of you will fail to bring a smile to my face.
I strongly hope you are well, and please do tender my fond greetings to Curtis, Kyle, and Bran.
Chase, I do miss you terribly. I believe this was the right decision for us both, and you did agree, so it must've been. I shall however, reserve the right to love you and pray that you're happy.
With much love,
Amethyst
Chase carefully folded the letter and returned it to its envelope before he lay back on the bed. Relief was uppermost in his mind. She'd returned home safely and wasn't in any kind of trouble. Her assertion of love and the knowledge she was thinking of him managed to sooth the ache of his heart a bit.
Staring at the ceiling, Chase decided it’d been the right thing to do, letting her go to return to the life she knew. She belonged where she was, safe and secure from the dangers he’d grown up knowing.
Amethyst deserved a comfortable life with a good man who knew how to appreciate and treat a lady. The thought of her in another man's arms caused a flash of agony. Chase gritted his teeth and bore it, hoping she'd find that good man, and that he'd love her the way she deserved: whole-heartedly.
*
The press of the crowd and the noise was suddenly too much. Slipping away from the small gaggle of people she'd been conversing with, Amethyst walked towards the open doors that led out into the garden.
It was proving to be more difficult than she imagined, trying to settle back into her old life amongst the genteel upper class of Taryton. Finding a bench in a quiet spot, Amethyst sat and wondered if Chase had received her letter yet.
Would he write back? She didn’t know which would be worse: his failure to do so, or receiving a response. How would she feel about that response was another concern. What if he asked her to return? Amethyst knew she would.
In fact, the idea of leaving Taryton and returning to Adersol to wait for him to appear had crossed her mind more than once. It didn't matter that they'd both agreed it was better for her to return home. She missed Chase with an ache that resonated in her bones. Yet what could she say to him if she did go to Adersol?
She couldn't ask him to give up his life as a pack leader to come live in a stone cage, curtailing his freedom to move about as he pleased.
"Amy, are you all right?" The question came from Marcus Thornwell, who paused a few feet away. His dark brown eyes surveyed her with an intentness she found unnerving. "You look perfectly serious about whatever's on your mind."
"I'm fine, just needed a bit of fresh air." Marcus wasn't someone she knew well, being a few years older than herself and the group she was a part of.
"May
I join you?" He didn't move, except for a few hairs being disarrayed across his forehead from the gentle evening breeze.
"Please do." It was the polite response - the expected response. Amethyst realized she was tiring of the effort to present the necessary social face.
"I'm sorry for your losses," Marcus offered as soon as he’d sat beside her.
Amethyst was also tired of people trying to consol her for the loss of Brian. She'd never before realized how many people had them paired off. "Brian wasn't mine to lose, no matter what people may think."
"Ah. I suppose we all thought the two of you would eventually marry, since he was so zealous about guarding you from other interested parties." Marcus smiled when she glanced at him. "So, I take it you aren't mourning his death?"
"I'm naturally sorry he's dead, but no, I'm not mourning the absence of him from my life." Pausing, she contemplated her folded hands, which rested upon her silk draped lap. "In fact, since he proved himself quite unpleasant on our journey, I'm rather relieved he's no longer a part of it."
Marcus nodded, never having thought highly of the man in question. "Then I suppose it's the loss of your sister that causes you to appear so sad."
A slight shake of her head surprised him. "What then? I must confess you have me rather intrigued, Amy."
"I knew before I left Taryton that Pearl was likely dead. I've mourned her almost from the instant she married that dreadful man." Amethyst paused. "Have you ever been in love, Marcus? Truly in love?"
The grin he gave her was an odd expression of twisted compassion. "Oh, yes. Madly, deeply, and still. Unfortunately, with someone my parents would never allow me to marry. A servant isn't appropriate marriage material for the likes of us, you know."
"Tell me about her? Please?" Amethyst requested, following the sense of common ground.
"If you'll do the same, and tell me about your mystery lover." After receiving a nod, he began speaking.
Amethyst learned about the pretty, shy upstairs maid he'd first thought to lure for a bit of fun, until he'd realized there was a real person underneath the gray dress and white apron. Marcus mentioned how graceful she was, her intelligence and the fact she'd firmly refused his advances, telling him that she was a good girl and waiting for marriage before indulging in such play.
"The more time I spent in conversation with her, the more she seemed to fill an empty space I hadn't realized existed. I can't really explain it, but who she was intrigued me, and what she was didn't matter anymore."
His words, almost identical to the ones she'd used in response to Brian's "He's Weren!" startled Amethyst. "What happened?"
"I wanted to marry her. I approached my parents, and after an ugly scene when they understood I was serious about the matter - about her, Lina - she was sent off overnight and I've never been able to discover what became of her."
"Oh, how awful," she murmured, thinking that at least she knew where to find Chase if she were to look for him. Marcus looked away, clearing his throat. She knew he was composing himself, having seen a flash of pain in his eyes. He turned back to regard her with a gentle smile.
"Your turn, Amy."
"His name is Chase, and he's Weren." She was suddenly anxious, because a shape shifter was a far different matter than a servant.
"Ah, you don't have to do much explaining, do you?" Marcus smiled faintly. "But there’s no one to tell you that you may not marry him, Amy."
"No one but myself. I've always thought myself quite competent, but I learned otherwise out there." Amethyst blinked as tears threatened. "I don't belong in the world he inhabits and Chase agreed. He told me I should come home." After a pause, she admitted, "I was afraid. Afraid I'd fail him at some point. I shouldn't be able to bear that."
Marcus silently reached for her hand and pressed it in sympathy. "So here we sit. A couple of broken hearted lovers."
"Yes," she agreed, grateful for his easy acceptance of her admission.
"At least we have loved. There's that, don't you think?"
"Yes, there's that." They sat quietly for a time, holding hands, two lovelorn shadows in the growing darkness.
*
Hundreds of miles away, Chase sat alone at a table in the common room of the inn. His pack mates had headed for the saloon with his blessing and the after dinner drinkers were already gone for the night.
He had no idea what to write to Amethyst as he sat there staring at the blank piece of paper lying before him. Not even a clue how to start. Dear Amethyst? Dearest, as she'd done? The urge to tack a 'my' before anything struck him as a rather pitiful attempt to claim her.
She wasn't his. He'd let her go without asking if she would be. It was the right thing to have done. His next thought concerned the fact that doing the right thing hurt too damn much.
Maybe he should let her know that he wanted her to find a good man and get married. A scowl appeared on his face. That was arrogant. Who was he to tell her what to do with her life? As though he was granting her permission.
Knowing the agony of his own loneliness, Chase just didn't want to live with the idea she might be suffering the same. As a pack leader, he'd eventually have to bite the bullet, and find himself a wife, so that the others could too.
He'd look for someone he could get along with and be a friend to. The shape shifter was certain he'd never find someone who could take Amethyst's place in his heart.
But, Chase thought, if I don't tell her I think she should marry someone, will she? He knew that she was loyal and faithful, because of all she'd done and gone through in order to find her sister, even knowing the woman was likely dead.
Sighing, Chase stared at the fire for several minutes, silently debating. Until she married, he couldn't even stomach the idea of looking for someone else, and he had responsibilities to his pack.
Maybe that's what he should tell her. Maybe telling her would end in her returning to him. Chase decided he could hope for that. He longed to see Amethyst's face again, to hear her voice as she told him she'd decided her fears weren't enough to keep her from his side.
Picking up the pen, Chase began to write.
*
"Miss Amethyst, a letter from the border's come in the day's post," the housekeeper announced as she bustled out into the garden where luncheon had been served. Amethyst tried to quell her first reaction out of respect to her guest.
Marcus smiled. "Go on, I'll amuse myself until you return, Amy."
"Thank you. I'll come back as quickly as possible." Amethyst rose, taking the letter. She and Marcus had become good friends since sharing their stories of lost loves. Leaving the little gazebo, Amethyst hurried off towards a hidden nook deeper in the garden.
Sitting on the bench, she found her fingers had grown clumsy when she tried to open the letter. Taking a deep breath, she prepared herself to read some bland, polite response. Unfolding it, she found the salutation immediately.
My sweet Amethyst,
I'm not good at this writing thing, so please read with your heart and not just your eyes.
I think that you going home was wise. It kills me that you're so far away, but it helps to know the distance means you're safe from any harm that could befall you out here. I like knowing that, knowing that you're living the life you should be.
The life I can't give you out here. I can't be human – even though I know that's not something you care about anymore. I have obligations to my pack, Amethyst. Being Weren, I'd have them whether I was a pack leader or not.
Those are the reason for what I'm about to write. I want you to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve, who knows what a lady like you expects, and can deliver it.
It hurts to write that, but it hurts worse to think about it. I don't want anyone else being the man you spend your life with. But it's not fair of me to be selfish, not just towards you, but also to my pack.
Curtis and the others can't take wives until I do. I can't even think of trying to find someone until I know there's absolutely n
o chance of things between us changing.
You're where you belong. Find someone, Amethyst. Find someone good for you, and tell me that you're planning to get married. I have to be free before I can fulfill the obligations to my pack.
It won't change anything. I'll love you for the rest of my life. Even knowing some other man will have the joy of your sweet presence every day and night - I can't tell you how much that hurts, but my pain doesn't matter. What does is that you will be safe and living the life you were raised to enjoy.
No one will ever take your place in my heart. There isn’t room for any other. But I have to do my duty, so once I know you're getting married, I can start looking myself.
Just know that I love you, Amethyst. I want you to be happy. I'll smile every time I think of you, safe in your own world.
I miss you, but that's not enough to say. I'll treasure knowing that if I'd asked, you'd have stayed. I couldn't be that selfish.
If you ever need me, send for me. I'll come. Husband, wife - they won't matter. I'll ride through hell if you need me to. I’ll do anything you ever need me to.
Always yours,
Chase
A rush of outraged anger swept over Amethyst. How dare he tell her that she should marry someone else!
It quickly ebbed. Her heart pointed out the pain he'd admitted to and his promise to come if she ever needed him. No matter what.
Chase loved her, and that was what was most important. He had tried not to be selfish. Had she tried that hard? Amethyst wasn't certain, but realized the very least she could do was as he asked, so that he'd be released and able to fulfill his obligations.
Since love wasn't a consideration in the choice of husband any longer - her heart would always belong to the Weren - Amethyst supposed there was some young man of her acquaintance that would suit as a pleasant companion. She would choose carefully, of course, but choose she would.
Returning to the table, the red head had a sudden desire for another's opinion and asked Marcus, "Will you read this and tell me what you make of it?"
Deadlands Hunt Page 14
