The only reason they wanted to marry Thomasina and Calla was because they were good to look at. So is chocolate cake, but nobody has ever married one (though there are women I know who if given a choice between a lifetime supply of good chocolate and their husbands would not think twice about telling their husbands to start packing). Dumb and Dumber couldn't think of anything else but how admired they would be for having such beautiful wives. If Dumb and Dumber had come and talked to me, I would have set them straight. A long time ago, between marriages number one and number two—or maybe it was during marriage number four. Well, whenever it was—I had a girlfriend who was glamourlicious. Every man who saw us together envied me. (I don't think women envied her for being with me, but that's neither here nor there.) For about a month, I enjoyed thinking about all the men who wished they were me. But after that, I was hoping one of them would come and take my place. My girlfriend was not interested in talking about anything except how beautiful she looked in this dress and that dress, and did this dress complement her eye color, and did that dress make her look fat? Being married to a glamourlicious woman was tiring.
If Dumb and Dumber had talked to me, I would have also told them that one of the biggest problems in a marriage is what you expect of the other and what the other expects of you. The closer each person's expectations come to meeting and shaking hands with each other, the better the marriage is going to be. Unfortunately, Thomasina and Calla and Dumb and Dumber had expectations of each other as different as rocks and water.
Thomasina and Calla expected they would be living in palaces at least as large as the one in which they had grown up, have servants who would do whatever they asked, and that they would devote each day to making themselves beautiful. But when Thomasina and Calla arrived at their respective homes, they knew immediately that they and their husbands were living in different marriages.
Dumb and Dumber lived in large houses, but they were not palaces with paintings of the gods and goddesses on the walls, and gardens in which the shrubbery had been cultivated to look like unicorns and griffins. (And please don't interrupt the story and ask me what a griffin is. To tell the truth, I don't know; but it would not change the story one bit if I did know, so what does it matter?) Thomasina and Calla might have been able to adjust to the fact that their husbands did not live in palaces, but there was another and much bigger problem.
Dumb and Dumber each had only two servants, a man who served them and an old woman who did a poor job of cooking and cleaning. This meant that Thomasina and Calla would have to tend to the mending, washing, and ironing of their many clothes, to mix and prepare their many rouges, powders, and perfumes, as well as to heat and pour the water they required for their many baths each day, And, Juno forbid, they would have to brush their own hair. Well, when they understood the situation, they fainted dead away.
The two sisters lived miles apart, but each knew immediately what had to be done and they did it without hesitating. They sent word to their father of their predicament. The king sent back eight servant girls, four for each daughter. And he also sent word that their younger sister had been taken by a monster. They could not have cared less about what happened to Psyche, but they also knew this: when opportunity knocks, you better open the door. They now had a good excuse to get away from their husbands and go home to be treated like they deserved. So, pretending anguish and concern for their baby sister, Thomasina and Calla took their servants and returned to the palace.
They had expected their return to be met with joy by their parents. But the king and queen were dressed in sackcloth, and mourning what they imagined Psyche's fate to have been. They scarcely noticed that their two older daughters had returned.
High on the list of things that Thomasina and Calla disliked was being ignored. Very quickly they realized there was only one way to get their parents' attention. They did not want to do it, but if they were going to be the center of attention, they had no choice.
"We will go to the mountain where Psyche was to meet the monster, and see if we can learn her fate," Calla announced to the king and queen.
"I've already lost one daughter," the king said. "I don't want to lose the two I have left."
"Don't worry, Father. We will be all right," Thomasina assured him. "Hopefully, when we return, we will have news of Psyche, perhaps good news." Calla looked at Thomasina in amazement at the ease with which Thomasina lied. If Calla had not known better, she would have believed that Thomasina actually cared about Psyche.
The king's mood brightened at the possibility that Psyche might yet live. And off the sisters went, disgusted with their father for his (mistaken as far as they were concerned) love for Psyche, but delighted to be away from their husbands, whom they hoped never to see again.
Cupid Warns Psyche
It was Auster, South Wind, who brought word to Cupid about the sisters. Well, to give credit where credit is due, it was the trees who told South Wind.
Trees know practically everything that goes on. Their leaves are like ears, and with that many ears, there is not much they don't hear. They might stand there looking dumb, but trees are smart. Not only do they hear words, they can also hear thoughts. The trees knew that the sisters did not care about Psyche and that if they found her alive, they would kill her.
When South Wind blew through the trees, they told him everything they had heard. That's what's going on any time you see the wind shaking trees. The wind is collecting all the news the trees have learned that day. Then the wind spreads what it has learned to whoever needs to know. So, the next time a wind is blowing in your face, listen. The wind is trying to tell you something.
Cupid had no problem understanding what Auster told him, and that night he warned Psyche.
"My love, something may happen which will seek to destroy our relationship," he told her.
"What are you referring to?" Psyche wanted to know.
"It is your sisters. To win the affection of your parents, they are pretending to be distressed by what they believe to have been your death. Soon they will come to the top of the mountain from whence West Wind brought you here, to see if they can discover your fate. They will call out your name and you will hear them. I warn you: do not answer them. I will be deeply hurt if you do, and you will lose all you have now."
"Beloved, I would sooner die than do something that would hurt you."
But words uttered in darkness can lose much of their conviction when scrutinized in the light of day. Psyche had never been close to her sisters, nor they to her. If asked, Psyche would have said they hated her. But now that Thomasina and Calla were coming to look for her, Psyche chose to ignore what she knew about them. And the thought of seeing her sisters made her even more aware of how lonely she was.
All that day Psyche cried. Her tears were not only from loneliness, however. These were also the tears of anger and resentment. How dare her husband, whoever he was, refuse to let her see her sisters. How dare he not allow her to, at the very least, take away their anguish by letting them know she was alive. How dare he!
Cupid heard her tears and came as soon as Night covered the sky. He held her in his arms, but her sobbing did not stop. Cupid may have been a god, but, in one respect, he was like practically all men: he could not withstand a woman's tears.
"Beloved Psyche. You promised me one thing, but you have spent the day regretting that promise. You are angry with me because you think I am denying you something you need. I assure you I am not. I seek only to save you from yourself and to save us. Alas, I see that it is not in my power. Do what you think best. But I warn you. When you realize the damage you have done, it will be too late to repair it."
If Psyche had stopped to ask how he knew about her sisters, how he knew she had cried all day, she would have understood that only a god could have such knowledge. But she was incapable of knowing anything except her overwhelming loneliness.
"Please understand," she began, "it would do my heart so much good to see my sisters. They g
rieve for me and I need to let them know that not only am I alive, but that I am married. Would you mind if I gave them a few pieces of jewelry? I have more than I can ever wear. Please, my love." And she began to cry again.
"Do as you think best," Cupid responded. "But listen to me. Your sisters have minds that care only for evil. They will do everything they can to convince you to see what I look like. I repeat: if you look at me, all the happiness you have now will vanish."
"I understand," Psyche told him in all sincerity. "I would not do anything that would hurt our love. Even being held and kissed by Cupid himself could not fill me with the joy I find in your arms."
For an instant, Cupid was tempted to light the oil lamp and let her see from whose embrace and kisses came the joy she spoke of. But a sadness overcame him as he realized that Psyche would have said anything at that moment to get her way.
"I will command West Wind to bring your sisters here. You should pray that the gods will have mercy on your soul."
The Sisters Visit
The next morning, Psyche had just finished breakfast when she heard two voices calling her name. "Psyche! Psyche!"
"My sisters!" she exclaimed. "My sisters are calling for me!"
Psyche called for West Wind. When he arrived, she instructed him to go to the mountain and bring the two women calling her name.
Psyche was waiting outside the palace when Favonius sat Thomasina and Calla down. She ran to greet them, giving both many hugs and kisses.
Thomasina and Calla were too busy looking at the garden and the palace to notice Psyche's demonstrations of affection.
"I am so happy to see you," Psyche told them. "Come in and let me show you my new home."
As the two sisters followed Psyche from room to room, their mouths opened wider and wider in disbelief at the wealth they saw. And if that were not enough, there were the invisible servants who prepared baths for them and, later, served them a sumptuous meal, which, they noticed, Psyche had done nothing to prepare.
Psyche saw that her sisters were not eating and wanted to know what was wrong. "If the food is not to your liking, please tell me, and I will have another meal prepared."
"Everything is fine," Thomasina said. She and Calla smiled tightly.
"You are so fortunate to have married a man of such wealth," Thomasina continued. "Poor Calla and I married nobility, but, alas, what good is a man who has a full title and an empty purse?"
"What does your husband do?" Calla wanted to know. "He must be a very important person to have a palace like this and riches unlike any we've ever seen. What did you say his name was?"
"I didn't say," Psyche answered, a little flustered.
"Where is he? We would love to meet him," Thomasina put in.
"He ... he ... yes, he went hunting. That's what he spends all his time doing. I seldom see him myself." She gave a smile. "Oh, dear. Look. It is growing dark. How fast the time went by. Come. Would you like to take some jewels with you?"
Thomasina and Calla started drooling at the mouth. Psyche got up from the table, and her sisters followed as she led them down the corridor into a room where the table was piled high with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and jewels no one had gotten around to giving names to. Thomasina and Calla filled their pockets, then stuffed their bras with so many jewels, they could hardly move.
Psyche hurried them out of the house, nervous that they might ask her more questions about her husband. When outside, Psyche called for West Wind, who was resting atop a tree.
"Take them back to where you found them, friend Wind."
As Favonius lifted Thomasina and Calla into the air, he thought they were heavier than when he had brought them. He understood as he listened to them talk.
"It's not fair!" Thomasina declared.
"You can say that again!" exclaimed Calla. "Invisible servants who wait on her hand and foot."
"Plates and goblets of gold! Room after room filled with jewels and fine garments."
"Why is she the one who always gets everything?"
"Father loved her more than he did us. And now, she has what must be the wealthiest man in the world for a husband."
"It's not right!"
"No, it isn't!"
Not only the jewels, but jealousy and malice, had made the two sisters so heavy that Favonius was tired and out of breath when he deposited them back on the mountaintop. Even though he was supposed to do whatever Cupid or Psyche wanted him to, he didn't know how many more trips he could make with those two. If they kept feeding each other's malice, they would end up as heavy as the mountain.
Thomasina and Calla were eager to get back to their parents' palace and look at the jewels they had acquired. However, if they returned with expressions of sated lust, everyone would be suspicious. So the two sisters tore each other's clothes and scratched their faces to make it appear that they were grieving for their "dead sister." They agreed not to tell their parents that Psyche was alive, for if they knew how well her marriage had turned out, they would love her even more.
When Thomasina and Calla reached the palace, they didn't have to say anything. Their disheveled appearance was enough to confirm the king's and queen's worst fears. Psyche was indeed dead! As their parents began weeping anew, the two sisters went up to their chambers and unburdened themselves of all the jewels they had taken, then hid them behind loose bricks in the fireplace. Then they began plotting: how could they kill Psyche and get her husband? Or at least his wealth.
Cupid Warns Psyche Again
Cupid was afraid. Psyche was naive and had seen nothing of the sisters' animosity toward her. He had to find a way to convince her not to listen to them, not even to see them. If he didn't, Psyche would unwittingly destroy their relationship, and he did not know what he would do without her.
That night, in the darkness of the bedchamber, he told her again, "My love, you are in great danger."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Thomasina and Calla want to destroy you."
"Me?" she laughed nervously. "They are my sisters. They would not do anything to hurt me."
"Please listen to me. They are going to try to persuade you to look at my face. You must not. Indeed, if they try to visit you again, please do not let them come here."
"That would hurt their feelings. Please don't ask that of me."
"Very well. But you must not answer any of their questions about me. Do you understand?"
"No. My sisters are as curious about you as I am. Why won't you tell me who you are? Why won't you let me see your face?"
"You do not need to see my face to love me."
"No, but I would love you even more if I could see your face."
"But what if you saw my face and loved me less?"
"That would not be possible."
"How can you be sure?"
Psyche realized that she couldn't. She would have liked to think that she would still love him, but she could not say with certainty that she would have, and that made her feel ashamed.
"One more thing I need to tell you before I go," Cupid said, interrupting her thoughts. "You are carrying my child."
"What?" she exclaimed in joy and disbelief. "How do you know? I don't feel anything."
"I know much. For now, all you need to know is this: if you are able to resist your sisters when they implore you to look at my face, our child will be born divine. But if you disobey me, our child will be mortal. Do you understand?"
"Yes. Yes, I do," she responded eagerly, but she answered too quickly and with exaggerated emotion. "I don't think you trust me," she continued, tears in her voice. "When my sisters were here, did I betray you in any way?"
Reluctantly, Cupid admitted that she had not.
"You act as if I do not know how to take care of myself. I do. That is riot the problem. You, my love, do not understand how terribly lonely I get during the day. You do not know how slowly the day crawls past as I sit and wait for your return. When my sisters visit, it helps time go faster. Th
e minutes when I will be with you again are not as far apart when my sisters come and distract me from thinking of you.
"I promise that if you let me see them again, I will never again be curious to see what you look like."
With great reluctance Cupid agreed, but as he flew away that night, it was with tears in his eyes. He knew. All was lost.
The Sisters Return
Sun had scarcely begun his journey when Thomasina suddenly awoke. She knew how to get rid of Psyche and take all the riches for herself and Calla.
She woke her sister and shared the plan with her. Calla was ecstatic. The two sisters embraced, then dressed hurriedly and were on their way to the mountain.
When they arrived, they called out Psyche's name. She heard, then sent Favonius to bring them. Carrying two people of such evil was not to West Wind's liking, but he did so. When he set them down at the palace door, he hoped that when he took them back it would be the last time he had anything to do with them.
The two sisters rushed into the palace, shouting, "Psyche! Psyche! Are you all right? Sister! Where are you?"
When Psyche heard their voices, she came running. "Oh, sisters! I am so happy to see you!"
Thomasina was shrewd. She was content to spend the day chatting with Psyche about their childhoods and other inconsequential matters. If anyone had seen the sisters as they lay beside the pool and chatted after bathing, he would have thought no sisters had ever loved each other as much as these three.
Supper that evening was quite sumptuous, with course following course of melon balls, lobster tail, lamb in mustard sauce, perfumed rice, and wild peas in a lemon butter sauce. All of this was accompanied by the finest wines, and the meal was completed with fresh, ripe strawberries dipped in chocolate.
All three sisters looked like they were in a drunken stupor from the rich food, wine, and dessert. Thomasina and Calla had not, however, eaten as much as Psyche. They were as alert as deer ready to run at the snap of a twig. Thomasina and Calla exchanged looks: now was the time.
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