He lifted one shoulder as his gaze lowered. “You prepare for the worst and hope for the best, Peaches.”
“Do you trust me?” The question burst out of me like a volcano erupting.
A muscle popped along his jaw. “I used to.”
Used to. Total past tense there, and that hurt like a kick to the chest. Looking away, I stared at the guitar I’d never seen or heard him play. “Is it because I don’t remember … everything or because of my mom?”
“Yes. No. All of the above and none of it,” he answered.
“You’re mad at me,” I said. “You’re still mad at me.”
Luc didn’t answer. A flicker of emotion shot across his face, gone before I could read what it was.
“Because of Halloween. Because I—” I stopped, feeling like my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth. I screwed my eyes shut. “I walked out of here on Saturday, pissed off. I was angry at you. You’re obviously still angry at me, but you came the moment I called you. You didn’t hesitate and…”
He was staring up at me. “Sometimes I want to shake you.”
“Excuse me?”
“What would you think I’d do? You needed me, and I was there. There is no other option.” Something fierce flashed in those amethyst eyes. “How do you not know that yet? Yes, I’m mad; I’m in a constant state of being angry, Evie. I just hide it well.”
My heart thundered in my chest.
His gaze pierced mine. “I’m mad at what you’ve had to experience. I’m mad that you have nightmares, and I’m pissed over the situation we’re in. I’m furious at what happened to Heidi and to innocent Luxen who want nothing more than to just live their lives. I’m enraged that I thought I was saving—” He cut himself off, his chest rising with a deep breath. He shook his head. “There’s a lot that I’m angry over, but I’m never angry with you.”
My entire body jolted.
Luc threaded his fingers through mine. “Was I annoyed Saturday night? Yes. Irritated that you’re surprised that I would come when you needed me? Hell yes. But I’m never mad at you,” he repeated. “I was trying to give you some space after everything. Figured you needed it. Figured we both needed it.”
I didn’t know what to say, and I realized in that moment that even though words were powerful, they weren’t always necessary.
Springing forward, I wrapped my arms around Luc before I could give myself time to think about what I was doing. The action obviously surprised him, because he froze but didn’t topple backward. That lasted only for about a second before his arms swept around me, holding me tightly.
My face was planted against his chest. “Thank you,” I said, and I wasn’t sure I even knew what I was thanking him for.
Everything?
That sounded about right.
His hand folded around the back of my head, fingers tangling in my hair. “Peaches…”
I squeezed him tighter.
His chin brushed over the top of my head. “One of these days, you’re going to realize that I’ve never left and I never will.”
18
Before Luc and I left, I peeked in on Heidi. Both of the girls were asleep, and I didn’t want to wake them, so I crept away, telling myself I’d come back the next day.
Once I was in the car, with Luc behind the wheel, we grabbed burgers and I answered James’s string of texts. He wanted to know where everyone had disappeared to after the fire alarm, and I hated being evasive.
“I know I can’t tell James the truth, but this sucks.” I put my phone back in my bag and let it rest next to my feet. “It’s like having an alternate life.”
He arched a brow. “It’ll get easier.”
“Really?” I stared out at the dark stretch of trees. The subdivision I lived in was surrounded by thick woods on either side of the road, and I used to like that. Now it seemed dark and full of nightmares. “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.”
He glanced over at me. “Depends on how you look at it.”
I wasn’t sure how else I could look at it, but whether it was good or bad, it was now my life and I was going to have to deal with it.
When we pulled into the driveway, I immediately knew Mom still wasn’t home. It wasn’t all that late, but the only light on was in the upstairs hallway, signaling she hadn’t returned from Frederick yet.
I glanced over at Luc as he killed the engine. “Thank you again—”
“Don’t thank me for this.”
“I just did.”
“I don’t accept it.” Opening the driver’s side door, he unfolded his long body and stepped out.
I hurried out of the car, almost forgetting my backpack. Snatching it up, I darted over the grass, causing the motion detectors to come on. Luc was waiting on the front porch. “What are you doing?”
His face was shadowed under the porch light. “Waiting for you to unlock the door.”
I cocked my head. “I figured that, but you’re coming in?”
“I don’t want you here alone. Not when April is out there and we have no clue where she is.” He paused. “If you don’t want me here, I can call Zoe back or—”
“No, it’s okay.” Digging out my house keys, I unlocked the front door, hoping he didn’t notice how my fingers trembled. “We just have to be careful.”
“Sylvia will freak if she comes home and finds me?” He chuckled under his breath as he followed me. “She won’t know I’m here.”
Even though Mom hadn’t said anything about Luc’s last late-night visit, I wasn’t sure that meant she had no idea he’d been here.
Standing in the foyer, I shifted my bag up my arm. “I need to take a quick shower.” Even though I was wearing one of Luc’s thermals that smelled like him, I knew there was blood in places where Luc had not cleaned. “If you’re still hungry or want a drink, help yourself.”
His gaze flicked to me and he nodded, hands in his pockets.
I hesitated and then spun on my heel, dashing up the stairs. Once in my bedroom, I closed the door and dropped my bag by my desk. Snatching up a pair of sleep bottoms, I quickly undressed, rolling my jeans into a ball and tossing them into the hamper. I started to grab a shirt but decided to bring Luc’s borrowed shirt with me.
After pulling a brush through my hair, tearing out God knows how many strands in the process, I pulled it up in a topknot and then stepped into the shower.
The hot water stung my chest and stomach, causing me to flinch as I stood under the spray. I took a deep breath, but it went nowhere. Slowly, I lifted my hands, placing them over my face.
Something cracked inside me. A wall I never knew was there, and it wasn’t a small fissure but a gaping fracture that rattled every bone in my body. Tears raced up my throat and welled behind my closed eyes. There was no keeping them back, and I let them out, clamping my jaw tightly so I didn’t make a sound.
I cried for Heidi and how close she’d come to dying today. I cried for the panic Emery must’ve felt when she saw her. I cried for how scared Zoe and I had been waiting to hear if Heidi was going to be okay. And I cried because I didn’t want Luc to be angry all the time. I cried because I had Luc’s affection, his loyalty, but I didn’t have his trust and, truth was, I doubted him, over and over.
Pull it together.
Put it back together.
I pulled my shaking hands away from my face and picked up my pink loofah, focusing on scrubbing at my skin until it turned pink and the water circling the drain was clear. By the time I dried off and changed into my sleep shorts and Luc’s thermal, steam had covered the mirror and I had pulled it together. I opened the door, and my heart launched itself into my throat.
Luc was in my bedroom, standing in front of the corkboard of pictures. He looked over his shoulder, his gaze roaming from the tips of my toes—toes that I still needed to either take the polish off of or redo—to the damp tendrils of hair curling around my cheeks. A soft smile appeared. “Sorry,” he said, turning back to the tacked photos. “I figured I shou
ld wait up here just in case Sylvia comes home.”
“Makes sense.” Fingering the hem of the gray thermal, I walked over to the bed and sat. “I hope you don’t mind that I’m wearing your shirt.”
Luc turned to me. “Actually, it’s the exact opposite.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
He faced the corkboard again. “Grayson called while you were in the shower. They just checked out April’s house. She wasn’t there, and it didn’t look like anyone else has been there for a while. No parents.”
“That’s really weird. April has a little sister.”
“Grayson said Zoe pointed that out, too, but no one was there.”
Dread formed like a weed in the pit of my stomach. “That update couldn’t be good whatsoever.”
“Probably not.”
He walked over to the nightstand, reaching into the pocket of his pants. I immediately recognized the small, black object. A stun gun.
“I grabbed some stuff before we came here. Keep this on you. Who knows if it will work against April, but it’s worth having.”
I nodded.
“And I also brought you this.” In his palm was a long, shiny, pendant-shaped black object that was chiseled to a fine point. It was secured to a silver chain. “This is obsidian. Remember what that does?”
“Yeah, it’s deadly against Arum.”
“Again, no idea if it will work against April, but I want you to keep this on you at all times. Even when you’re showering.” He held up the necklace, and I leaned over, heart thumping heavily as he draped the necklace over my shoulders, securing it behind my neck. The tips of his fingers brushed over my skin as he straightened the chain. “Okay?”
“Okay.” I picked up the piece of obsidian. The necklace wasn’t as heavy as I’d thought it would be. The volcanic glass was about three inches long, and the silver chain was delicate, spiraling over the top of the obsidian. “This would stop an Arum? I was picturing something … bigger and thicker.”
“That’s what she said.”
Lifting my head, I stared at him. “Really?”
“I mean, you kind of set that one up perfectly,” he replied with a sly grin. “A very small piece of obsidian can do major damage to an Arum. Stab them anywhere with that, and they’re going down. And the end is wickedly sharp, so please try not to stab yourself.”
That was a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep.
I let the obsidian go, and it came to rest between my breasts, on the outside of Luc’s borrowed shirt.
Luc roamed back over to the corkboard. “Can I admit something to you and you not get mad?”
Pulling my legs up and crossing them, I picked up my pillow, planting it in my lap. “Depends on what it is.”
“I’ve seen some of these photos before, and I’m not talking about when I was here before.”
“What do you mean?”
Angling his body sideways, he placed a blunt fingertip against a picture. It was of Zoe and me, freshman homecoming. “I saw this nearly four years ago. It had only been a few months, maybe four, since … since you’d become Evie. I’d never seen you in a dress before then. I thought … you were so pretty.”
I’d been wearing a deep purple dress with an empire waist, and I wasn’t sure if I’d looked pretty in it. However, I did look like someone had thrown glitter up all over me.
But Luc had thought I looked pretty, and despite everything, that brought a small smile to my lips.
“And this one? Halloween. Three years ago.” He pointed to a picture of me with Heidi and Zoe as my breath caught. He knew the exact year. We were dressed as the Heathers from the movie Heathers. “Such a dark costume. I loved it. And this one? The first time I saw you in a pic with James, I…”
“What?”
Luc shook his head. “I thought he was your boyfriend.”
“James? What?” I laughed softly. “It’s not like that; it’s never been like that with us.”
“I know. Zoe said the same thing.”
Something occurred to me. “Did you see pictures of Brandon and me?”
“I did. You could’ve done better.”
I swallowed another laugh, mainly because that was true considering his anti-Luxen rhetoric. God, if he only knew what April was.
Luc’s back was to me again. “Did you love him?”
My eyes widened as I felt my cheeks flush. “I … I think I did at first. I mean, he was my first real boyfriend.”
His shoulders seemed to tense. “You think? Then that means you didn’t?”
“I thought I did for, like, a hot second, but I didn’t.” Talking about my ex with Luc was weird. “I liked him, but it always felt like it should’ve been more.” I clutched the pillow. “So, you saw most of them in real time?”
“I got to watch you grow up without you ever knowing.” His arms folded across his chest. “That sounded creepier than I intended.”
“It’s not.” And it wasn’t—not for me, not for us. Out of context, sure. But I knew how he’d seen those photos. Only two other people had copies of them. “Zoe?”
He nodded absently. “I didn’t ask to see them. It felt wrong to do so, and it was already creepy that I was having Zoe keep an eye on you. But I wanted to see them. I wanted to see you, and Zoe sensed that, and she’d periodically show them or make sure they were obviously displayed at her house. Please don’t be mad at her.”
“I won’t.” I probably would’ve done the same thing.
I watched him for a few moments, knowing he had none of his own photos. “Did you ever want that?”
“What?”
“A normal teenage life? Halloween parties and friends? Pictures on corkboards? Instagram accounts?” I laughed a little, and the sound quickly faded. “Going to school. Hating it. Wanting to go to college, but … being afraid of growing up. Did you ever want any of that?”
Luc gradually faced me. “Honest?”
I nodded.
“My answer might … bother you.”
“I’ve seen a lot recently that has bothered me, so I doubt your answer is going to be worse.”
Luc walked over to the other side of the bed and sat. “I never wanted any of that until you had it.” He leaned against the headboard. “There was never a part of me that wanted to go to school or parties until I saw those pictures. Then I did.”
An ache pierced my chest. “You’d be so bored in school.”
“Not if you had been there.” A lopsided grin appeared. “I even considered it once, you know? Enrolling to be close to you. But I couldn’t risk it. So, I stayed in the city, and once they started registering Luxen, forcing them to wear Disablers, I opened Foretoken.”
“And that’s it? You never wanted to do something else?”
“Like what?” He lifted his hand, and the remote flew from the dresser to his hand. “Live like I was a normal teenager?” He handed the remote to me. “No.”
“I meant be someone else. Someone who doesn’t have to worry about people figuring out you’re not exactly human.”
“I don’t worry about that,” he remarked with a lift of his shoulder. “And why would I want to be someone else? I’m awesome.”
“Wow,” I murmured, thinking that he wasn’t exactly being truthful. How could he be when he’d admitted earlier that he was angry all the time?
He grinned, but it quickly faded. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“What?” I almost dropped the remote.
The hue of his eyes deepened. “I know you were crying earlier.”
“How—” I shook my head. “I was in the shower. You could hear me?”
His gaze flickered over me. “I didn’t hear you, Peaches. I could tell when you came out. Your eyes.”
“Oh.” That made sense. “You didn’t make me cry. It’s been a…”
“Rough day? I know it has been, and I know what I said about not completely trusting you didn’t help. I didn’t … mean to do that. And I do trust you, Evie.
It’s just that your relationship with Sylvia complicates things. We just have to figure out a way to work with that.”
A knot formed in my throat. If I was being honest with myself, his lack of trust wasn’t so much to do with me but came into play when my mom was involved. “I know. It’s just … today was scary, and there’s a lot going on in my head. All day, actually. It’s why I was in the library. It’s why I was trying to distract myself.”
“From what?”
Dragging the remote over the comforter, I thought about what Zoe had told me on Sunday as I placed my head back against the headboard. Words I needed to speak crowded my throat, but I didn’t want to give voice to them. I felt like once I gave life to the creeping thoughts and suspicions, I couldn’t take them back.
But I needed to.
“I talked to Zoe yesterday, and she said some stuff that made sense.”
“Zoe making sense? Never.”
My smile was brief and my stomach full of knots. “Like, it’s weird that Mom gave me Evie Dasher’s life,” I whispered, staring at the slowly churning ceiling fan. “I think she did it because she just missed Evie—the real one—but what she did wasn’t fair.”
Luc was so quiet, so still, I had to look at him. He was staring at me, pupils slightly dilated.
“It wasn’t fair to me at all. I had a life. I had friends,” I said, thinking how what Zoe had said was so full of truth it hurt. “I had friends that were my family. I had memories, and it just wasn’t right.”
His eyes closed, thick lashes fanning his skin. “No. It wasn’t.”
I swallowed hard. “Why didn’t she just let me become me? Why make me become someone else?”
He turned his head away, throat working. “I don’t know, Peaches.”
“I started to text you yesterday, because what if that wasn’t her reason? What if I’m just being willfully naïve? You don’t trust her. She did work for the Daedalus. What if there was a different reason?” The knot in my throat swelled, threatening to choke me. “Zoe told me something I can’t get out of my head. She said that you took me to the Dashers around June and I wasn’t seen again until I went to school, which was in November. And I don’t know why that’s bothering me so much, but it is.”
The Burning Shadow (Origin Series) Page 21
