by Angel Lawson
He opened his mouth to say something but thought better. Oliver was smart—quick. He didn’t work on emotion or rage like the others. He climbed over the seat, pulling me into his lap.
I wanted to fight him—to push him away like Hayden, but Oliver wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.
“We’ve been through this before, Heaven, and got through it, but I can’t help you if you aren’t honest with me.”
I didn’t want to talk about it. I just wanted to feel something other than pain, and I shifted around so that I was facing Oliver and touched his chest.
He touched my hair, wild from the wind, and his thumb rubbed against my bottom lip. I licked the pad of his finger.
He grew hard beneath me. I felt the heat and want between his legs. I snaked my hands around his neck and kissed him again. For some reason, Oliver and I always ended up in the car like this, the two of us frustrated and breathing heavy. I reached between us and fumbled with his buckle.
He sighed and stilled my hands, leaning back into the seat.
“What?” I asked, searching his face. “Why’d you stop?”
“Because this is wrong.”
“Why? Because we’re in a car? Because I’m upset? I told the others and I’ll say the same to you—don’t treat me like I’m a baby.” I tried to catch his eye but he didn’t let me.
Oliver scrubbed his face with his hands and looked out the window. He pressed his knuckle against the glass and tapped against it, looking into the distance. The sun was no longer shining—instead blocked by graying clouds. “There is nothing I want to do more than make you feel better, but the two of us…” he swallowed, “making love won’t do it.”
“You don’t know that.” All I wanted was to feel. That was all.
“I do know it, Heaven. Something is wrong, really wrong, and I can’t just let my hormones take over and let your issues get pushed aside. Not again.”
I crossed my arms and stared at him, hard, but he never looked my way. I threw my hands up and reached for the door, climbing off his body to get outside. He followed, scrambling after me, adjusting the front of his pants.
“What are you going to do? Tell the others? Call my mom?”
“I don’t know. I’m in over my head here. So are you.”
The black hole swirled around my feet, threatening to suck me in whole. I stared across the lake.
“Take me home,” I said, walking back to the car and slamming the door.
He stood outside and gaped at me. “We’re not done.”
“Yes,” I said through the open window. “We are.”
He walked around the car and got inside. I refused to look at him. Not because I was angry, but because I was terrified I would cave and tell him everything. But what could Oliver do about my father? About Noah? A few weeks and it would all be over. I could repair the damage then.
It was dark when he pulled up to Stetson Hall. The wind had picked up and I spotted jagged lightning in the distance. My phone had a dozen messages from Noah trying to find me since I bailed on our study date. I ignored them all and before he could think of walking me in, I rested my hand over Oliver’s on the gear shift. “I’m sorry about all of this. I think I just need some time to get my head on straight.”
“Let me walk you up.” Those were the first words he’d spoken since we left the botanical garden.
“Not tonight,” I said. “I just need a little space, okay?”
He frowned. I’d asked these boys for many things but distance wasn’t one of them.
“I’ll call you.”
“Any time. Day or night.”
“I will.”
“Be safe, Heaven.”
I slammed the door and ran to the building.
25
Oliver
I watched her get out of the car, knowing I should go after her. She’d looked so sad. So rejected when she’d been on my lap but dammit, I knew the timing was off. Her shadow vanished, entering the building, and rain started to fall. I slammed my fist into the steering wheel.
“Fuck!” I shouted, less about the pain to my knuckles than her walking away like that. “Fucking fuck!”
I reached for my phone and called her but hung up just as fast. She wanted space and that was okay. Right? People needed space. They needed time.
I didn’t like it. Not at all.
I texted the others.
Meet me at Hayden’s. 911
Four thumbs ups followed.
We’d come up with a code months ago, after the first time I caught Heaven trying to cut herself. That night scared the hell out of me but I knew I had to be strong. Even so, we made a code—911 meant Heaven was struggling and we needed to figure out what to do. Hayden’s house was in the middle of campus, by the time I found a parking spot and ran through the rain to the porch, the others were there.
Hayden stood in the door.
“What’s going on?” Anderson said. He was breathing heavy, having run the farthest from his dorm. He shook his head, spraying rain on the rest of us. “Where is she?”
“At her dorm. She’s…she hurt herself again. I saw the cuts.”
“Fuck,” Hayden growled, slamming his fist into the door. “I apologized, guys, and she just turned me away.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I knew something was wrong even though she denied it.”
“She keeps avoiding my calls. Super short in her text replies,” Jackson said, quietly. All signs of his normally light-hearted demeanor were gone. He looked terrified. “I thought she was just busy—I had no fucking clue things were so bad.”
Anderson’s sharp jaw and angular cheekbones looked deadly in the shadowy light of the porch. “This has something to do with that Noah kid. No doubt about it.”
“Dude, we don’t know that,” I said.
“Between him and her dad, they were getting in her head. I have no doubt.”
“Who would know? Amber?” Hayden asked. “Have you talked to her?”
“She’s got a new girlfriend—I haven’t seen her for more than a minute in a few weeks.”
“Shit.” He replied. We all knew that was just one more support person that failed Heaven when she needed us.
“What about the other two girls?” I asked. “Samantha and the redhead.”
“Ruthie,” Anderson said. “She has bio with us and there’s something going on there.”
“Something how?” Jackson asked.
“She watches us a lot and it definitely unnerves Heaven. I think she gives her flashbacks to high school drama.”
“What do you want to do? How do we handle this?” I asked, “Because she shut me out.”
“Me too,” added Hayden.
“Call her mom?” Jackson asked.
I shook my head. “She’d kill us and with everything going on with her dad…god knows how he’d handle it.”
Anderson and Jackson exchanged looks. “How about we go over. See if we can get her to talk? Maybe she needed a minute to cool off.”
I didn’t think so, but it wasn’t a bad idea. “You guys do that. We’ll wait here with the car if you need us.”
Anderson nodded and Jackson stuck out his fist for me to bump it. “Take care of her,” I said.
“We will. We’ll get her the help she needs.”
Hayden and I watched as they hopped off the porch and into the rain.
“I’m worried about her,” I admitted. “Really fucking worried.”
Hayden threw his arm around my shoulder. “Me too, but it’ll be okay. We’ve been down this road before.”
I knew he was right, but as Anderson and Jackson ran toward her building I couldn’t shake the feeling building up inside. Heaven was in trouble and I may have destroyed any chance I had to help her.
26
Heaven
“Be safe.”
It was something I couldn’t promise Oliver. Not when everything around me was falling apart. I rode the elevator to my floor and unlocked the door with my key. Sam
antha sat on the couch, headphones on and the distinct sound of a couple having sex floated through the room.
I connected eyes with Samantha and whispered, “Amber?”
But a man’s grunt caught me off guard and I glanced toward the closed door of Ruthie’s room. Wow.
I froze, listening to Ruthie and her partner reach their climax. They were loud and totally abandoned. Samantha wisely clamped her earphones back on her head. For some reason, my feet wouldn’t move.
That was until the bedroom door opened and Ruthie stepped outside wrapped in a silk bathrobe, her long red hair hanging over her shoulder. My eyes flicked behind her and I saw her partner in the bed, hair wild and face sweaty. My heart jerked in my chest when I saw him; Noah, shirtless and well-fucked in Ruthie’s bed.
“Sorry we made so much noise. I hope we didn’t disturb you,” Ruthie said, rummaging around the refrigerator.
My gaze shifted between the two and Noah just shrugged with a smirk on his face.
Rage took over.
“What the fuck?” I said, barging into Ruthie’s room. I heard the refrigerator door shut in the other room. Spinning, I slammed the door right in her face and locked it. “What the hell are you doing?”
“You bailed on me tonight, Heaven, and an interesting opportunity presented itself.” He frowned and whispered conspiratorially, “I don’t think your roommate likes you very much.”
“You’re kidding?”
“About her disliking you? No. I think she really hates you. Why else would she fuck me like that knowing I came here to see you.”
“No, you jackass. You just fucked some other girl because I wasn’t here. What if I was in an accident? Or hurt?”
“I sent you a dozen texts. You ignored them. I had no choice but to believe you’d backed out.” He held my gaze, daring me to lie. I didn’t have the energy to do it. “Well, as far as I’m concerned, our deal is over. To be honest, I think if I get Ruthie to hang a cross around her neck, she’d pass Father’s specifications.”
“You’re ending our deal? And replacing me with…her?”
He laughed. “She’s sneaky, did you know that? She told me everything while we were in bed. How she’s been spying on you for your dad and he’s been paying her off.” He made a face. “I wonder if my dad gave him that tip.”
“She what?” I couldn’t keep up. All of it was coming so fast, but little things flashed in my head. The expensive clothes, the new high-tech watch, the sleek nails and her constant presence. I turned around and flung open the door. She stood on the other side smiling wickedly. “You’ve been spying on me?”
She lifted her tiny shoulders. “Your daddy is very curious about your activities, Heaven. It’s a little weird. He wanted all the details about you and those guys you’re so possessive of.”
Samantha sat on the couch watching the whole thing. I looked at her. “Were you in on this, too?”
“No.” She held up her hands. “I promise.”
“Basically,” Ruthie said, “you’re a lying whore and your father knew all along that you’d ruin his plans. He just wanted a heads up before shit hit the fan.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, sweetie, it is. He knows about the guys, the games, the sneaking around. He knew before he contacted me but he wanted proof. Said we should go ahead and find a new roommate, that he’d have you back home by the end of the semester.”
My heart thundered in my chest. The house of cards I’d built around me shuddered at my feet. My father knew who I really was. He knew about the sinful life I led. I’d let Noah kiss me, touch me, for no reason at all. I’d pushed Oliver and Hayden away. Anderson and Jackson were next. The life my mother banked on was going to crumble and it was my fault. All my fault.
“You’re pathetic,” I told her, then looked over her shoulder. “And you’re a fucking creep.”
Ruthie rolled her eyes. “You’re nothing but trash—a filthy whore with a shady past trying to play off like you’re a good girl.” Her lips twisted into something evil and I didn’t know if this was just her way of getting back at me for having the Allendale boys, but her words cut anyway. “Go home, Heaven. Beg for forgiveness. Because you’re going to need it.”
For the first time in ages, I had no one to turn to. Not my boys. Not my mom. Definitely not my father.
Ruthie was right, the only thing I could do was repent. Beg for forgiveness. I didn’t know where to start, but I knew it wasn’t here.
I left Ruthie and Noah in her room and walked across the suite, entering my room. Amber wasn’t home—she never was anymore—having found the freedom she craved in college. I saw her car keys hanging over her desk and snatched them off the hook.
“Where are you going?” Samantha asked. “Are you sure you should driving like this? You’re really upset. I don’t blame you.”
“I can’t stay here.” This wasn’t my home. I didn’t fit in. Would I ever?
“Do you want me to call Oliver? Or Jackson? I know they’d come.”
“No.” I walked back into the common area. “They can’t know about this.”
“Heaven,” she said, “You didn’t do anything wrong. They won’t be mad.”
I stopped and faced her. “I did so many things wrong. So many things. I let Noah use me. I lied to the guys. I pushed them away. My dad…he’s going to be so disappointed. You don’t know who I really am.”
“I know you’re kind. And funny. And a good friend.”
“That’s nice of you to say. Thank you.”
I didn’t wait for more. I didn’t want to hear more. I just left, taking the stairs and walking out of the building I’d called home for the past few months for the last time.
27
Jackson
My sneakers slapped on the wet sidewalk as I chased Anderson across the campus. His fucking long legs had me beat by a mile and he was already in the front door before I got there.
“I’m going to have a stroke,” I said, holding my chest. He pressed the buttons on the elevator. When it didn’t come fast enough he eyed the stairs, but I held out my hand. “Seriously dude, I will die.”
Bing!
Saved by the fucking bell.
The ride was quick up to Heaven’s floor and Anderson pushed through a group of girls standing in the hallway.
“Excuse us,” I said, following in his wake.
He pounded on her door with his fist unrelenting until it swung open and Samantha stood inside.
“Where’s Heaven?” he asked.
“Can we come in?” I added.
She stepped back and said, “She’s not here. She left a few minutes ago.”
“Left where?” I asked. Anderson had barged through the living area and into her room, checking for himself. His jaw was clenched so tight I thought it may actually break.
“I don’t know. She grabbed Amber’s car keys and took off.” She frowned. “She was a little upset.”
“About Oliver?” Anderson blurted.
Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Oliver? No. She and Ruthie...” she glanced backwards to the closed bedroom door. “There was a situation.”
“What kind of situation?” I asked, but she wrinkled her nose. “We’re worried about Heaven. It’s not like her to take off like this, not without telling one of us, and she and Oliver had a fight. If something else happened we really should know.”
Samantha rocked back on her heels and exhaled. “All I know is that Heaven was supposed to meet Noah tonight and when she didn’t show up he came over. Ruthie, being Ruthie, took advantage of the situation.”
“How?” Anderson asked.
“She and Noah had sex and then there was a really big blow up.”
“Who and Noah had sex?” I asked, feeling my blood pressure rise.
“Ruthie,” she clarified, hands in the air. “Ruthie and Noah had sex, but you know there was something going on with Heaven and Noah—I don’t know what—but it was a bitch move for sure.”
I glanced at Anderson. He was thinking it all over in that quiet way that always freaked me out. He waited for a beat, as if weighting his options, and then strode across the room toward Ruthie’s door. He didn’t knock and Samantha’s eyes were wide as he barged in the room to find the two of them snuggled up, naked, in bed.
“What the fuck?” Ruthie cried, but she watched Anderson closely. She wasn’t nearly as offended as she acted.
“What did you do to her?” Anderson asked quietly.
“To who?” she played dumb. I walked across the room and stood in the door behind him, crossing my arms over my chest. She rolled her eyes. “You mean Heaven? We didn’t do anything to her. She just freaked out when she saw us together.”
“Why would she freak out?” I asked. Because there was not one goddam reason seeing Noah with another girl should bother her…unless.
Nope. No. Fuck no.
Ruthie stroked Noah’s arm. “I guess she was jealous.”
“No,” I said, curtly. “There’s no way she was jealous. What the hell did you do?”
Anderson—who was always a ball of tension coiled way too tight—snapped. He lunged over the bed and dragged Noah off the mattress and onto the floor. Thank god he had on shorts.
“Oh,” Samantha said, reaching for her phone. I gave her a warning look and she stopped.
“Look, dude,” Noah said. He lifted himself off the floor. “I’m sorry Heaven didn’t tell you what was going on with us. She’s like that; a liar and a whore. She was all over me and I did what I could to let her down easy but—”
The sound of Anderson’s fist shattering Noah’s cheek ricocheted through the room. Ruthie screamed while holding the blanket up to her chest and Samantha gasped, and I jumped on Anderson before he could do it again.
“Stop,” I told him. He pulled his elbow back, ready to go in again. I grabbed him by the crook of his arm. “Anderson!” He’d lose his scholarship. His spot on the team. His future. I shoved him back and moved in between them.
“Noah, dude, I don’t know who the fuck you are, but I do know Heaven. She is not a liar and she’s definitely not a whore. And yeah, she did tell us about why she was hanging out with you—something that had to do with your parents.”
