Kane stopped in mid-argument, his mouth hanging open. Then he shook his head as if trying to restart his brain and snapped, “Don’t be ridiculous.”
But his words lacked conviction. And he hadn’t denied it.
I stared at him, my own jaw dropping. “John?” I asked softly. “I thought you said you wanted commitment. A wife and family.”
“I do.” His reply came too fast.
Hellhound growled, “Truth, Cap.”
The muscles bunched in Kane’s jaw. “I… just…” The words grated out between his teeth as if they were being extracted with pliers. “Didn’t expect it… quite so soon.”
Kane sprang up and came over to crouch beside my chair, taking my hand. “I do want that with you, Aydan. Never believe that I don’t; I just…” He made a frustrated gesture. “I’m sorry. But when you said you were ready, how could I say I wasn’t? After my big speech about commitment, and when you were so angry…” He gave me an imploring look. “I didn’t want to hurt you. But why did you pretend it was what you wanted?”
It was my turn to stammer. “I, um… I just… You said that was what you wanted. And I was so worn down and so sick of hurting you and I know you’re going through a horrible time right now, and…”
“I’m going through a hard time?” Kane gave me an incredulous glare. “You were going to base our marriage on pity?”
A whimper escaped me and Hellhound said, “Ease off, Cap. It ain’t pity, it’s love. An’ if you’re too much of a dumbfuck to see that, ya don’t deserve her.”
Kane eyed him for a moment. Then he drew a breath, the hard lines in his face softening as he turned back to me and took both my hands in his. “Arnie’s right. As usual, but don’t tell him I said that.”
Hellhound snorted amusement.
Kane ignored him, raising my hands to his lips and kissing each knuckle in a way that felt like a solemn ritual. “Aydan, can we agree to release each other from our promises?”
I swallowed hard. “Wh… what does that really mean?”
“It means we go back to the way we were before. No expectations. You…” He hesitated, then squared his shoulders. “…you sleep with whomever you please. I’ll do the same. And I won’t bring up commitment until I’m ready for it. But, Aydan…” He caressed my cheek, avoiding the small painful nick from the glass. “…please don’t lie to me like this again. I know your heart was in the right place, but if we end up together I want to know that you’re with me because it’s what you truly want. Not because you’re feeling sorry for me or because you feel pressured into it.”
“Okay… but you have to promise me the same.” I hesitated, fighting an internal battle before blurting, “Were you really feeling as trapped as I was? Why didn’t you just say something, for chrissake?”
“I…” His jaw muscles rippled again. “I’d have gotten used to it. With time.”
“You…” My mouth opened and closed a couple of times, words failing me utterly. At last I managed a strangled, “You’d get used to it?”
Kane gave me an apologetic grimace and half-shrug, and sudden frantic laughter seized me.
“Used to… it…” I choked between fits of hysterical giggles. “What, like an annoying rash?”
“Well…” Kane went completely deadpan. “I was pretty sure it would grow on me.”
“Aaaagh!” I managed a single shriek of outrage at the pun before I lost it completely. Laughing helplessly, I smacked his shoulder while Hellhound guffawed.
Kane managed to hold his serious mien only a moment longer before he dissolved into laughter, too. He rocked backward to sit on the floor and we all laughed until we were limp and wiping away tears.
At last Kane sobered and drew a deep breath. Taking my hand again, he glanced at Hellhound before returning his attention to me. “Aydan, you and Arnie have… something special together. I want that kind of trust and honesty with you, but I know I haven’t earned it.” He gave me an intense look. “Yet. But I’ll be working toward it with all I’ve got. In the mean time…”
He brushed his lips over my knuckles, then placed my hand in Hellhound’s and turned to his lifelong best friend. “I’m going to keep watch outside just to make sure we don’t get any more surprises. Will you please take my ex-fiancée to bed and hold her while she sleeps?” He gave me a long look. “I don’t think she’s quite ready for me to do that.”
Blinking renewed moisture away from my eyes, I hauled myself to my feet and both men stood, too. Gently releasing Hellhound’s hand, I linked my arms around Kane’s neck.
“No, I’m not ready for that,” I murmured. “Maybe I never will be. But now I know you’ll let me go, and that… helps.” I kissed him softly. “You do know I love you, don’t you? That part wasn’t a lie.”
“I know.” Kane kissed me back, holding me as if I was made of eggshells. “I love you, too.”
I touched his cheek. “I know.”
We parted, smiling, and Hellhound rasped, “Now that’s the kinda truth I wanted to hear. Come on, darlin’, let’s get ya to bed.”
Kane headed for the door and Hellhound and I turned toward the bedroom, his arm warm around my shoulders.
Inside, he swung the door shut behind us and guided me toward the bed. Every exhausted cell of my body yearned toward it. Sleep. Sweet oblivion…
I pulled away from Hellhound’s arm to face him.
“Arnie…” I hesitated, my pulse ticking up a notch. Did I really want to know? Or were some things better left alone?
“What, darlin’?” he asked.
I had to know. Otherwise his embrace would give me nightmares to rival the ones I’d had in Kane’s bed.
Looking him square in the eyes, I said, “I need you to tell me the truth.”
“I never lied to ya before, darlin’, an’ I ain’t gonna start now. Ask me anythin’ ya want.”
“Did you... You said you hadn’t slept with anybody but me since last fall. That sounds a lot like m-monogamy to me.” I swallowed hard. “Commitment.”
He flinched. “Shit, stop usin’ dirty words! You’re givin’ me the cold sweats.”
“The feeling’s mutual,” I agreed. “So explain.”
“I told ya, darlin’, I just been gettin’ lazy about findin’ new prospects.” He shrugged. “I been busy so I ain’t been jammin’ much, an’ ya know I ain’t ever gonna get laid unless I sing chicks into my bed. They sure as hell ain’t gonna do a guy like me otherwise.”
When I made a small sound of protest he added, “Hell, darlin’, ya know it’s true. An’ anyway, I get sick a’ havin’ to give ‘em the ‘no commitment’ speech an’ the ‘no STD’ speech, an’ then wonderin’ if they been lyin’ to me about havin’ herpes or HPV or HIV or some-fuckin’-thing. Condoms ain’t a hundred-percent guarantee.” He caressed my cheek. “An’ Kane’s right, I don’t like feelin’ like I might be riskin’ your health as well as mine, and I was fuckin’ tired of gettin’ tested all the time.”
“But…” I took a step backward, my pulse accelerating.
“But nothin’, darlin’, an’ stop freakin’ out. I told ya, that’s just the way it’s worked out lately. Some hot chick gives me a smile an’ I’ll be ballin’ her so fast it’ll make your head spin. Promise.”
I chuckled in spite of my worry. “That’d be a first. I’ve never known you to ball fast. Slow and easy is more your style.”
Hellhound leered. “Guess ya better do some more research.” I laughed out loud, but he sobered and took my hand. “Aydan, I promise, ya got nothin’ to worry about. I’ll never want anythin’ from ya ‘cept what we got right now.”
“So…” I hesitated. “…if you hadn’t known John and I were both ambivalent-”
My question was cut off by his snort. “Ambivalent?” he repeated incredulously. “Hell, darlin’, try ‘scared fuckin’ shitless’.”
“Okay, John was ambivalent; I was scared shitless,” I agreed. “But if you hadn’t known that…”
His fa
ce softened. “You’re askin’, would I have tried to break the two a’ ya up just to keep ya in my bed?”
I gave him an uncertain half-nod, half-shrug.
“Aydan, if I’d thought ya were both happy, I’d ‘a been the one plannin’ the party.”
I looked into his eyes and saw it was the truth.
I sagged into his arms. “Thank you.”
He planted a gentle whiskery kiss on my forehead. “You’re welcome, darlin’. But now it’s my turn to ask ya somethin’.”
I couldn’t help stiffening. “What is it?”
“Don’t worry, I ain’t gonna make any demands. I’m just askin’.”
“Okay…” I studied his serious expression anxiously.
He caressed the hair away from cheek, looking down into my eyes. “Aydan, will ya think about talkin’ to Doc Rawling?”
The tension fell away from my body and I couldn’t prevent a breath of relief. “I’m already going to do that. Stemp told me I had to, but I didn’t need any convincing.”
“I ain’t talkin’ about post-mission stuff.” Hellhound held me with his gaze. “I’m talkin’ about your personal shit.”
When I looked away, he added, “Now don’t freak out. The doc ain’t gonna make ya do anythin’ ya don’t wanna do. If ya really don’t wanna be with anybody, he’ll help ya feel okay about tellin’ Kane that. An’ if it turns out you’re just avoidin’ it ‘cause you’re scared, he can help ya with that, too. But I don’t ever wanna see ya go through this shit again.”
I let out a breath. “You’re right. None of it had to happen, and it could have turned out…” Thinking of what my retreat to the alley might have cost, I shuddered. “…so badly.”
Meeting Hellhound’s eyes, I made a promise to myself as well as to him. “I’m not going to let my past rule me anymore. I’ll get help. But not from Doctor Rawling. I’ll find a psychologist who’s not connected to work.” I rested my forehead against his chest. “Thanks, Arnie. But you know I’m getting spoiled, knowing you’ll always come to my rescue.”
He chuckled. “That’s a chance I’m willin’ to take. Now come on over here…”
My muscles already slackening with the glorious anticipation of sleep, I let him guide me to the bed. Through my yawns I soothed his concern over the welts and bruises on my body while he removed my clothes.
Then I was blessedly horizontal in the harbour of his arms. My mind drifted, casting off the moorings of consciousness as my last thoughts floated away into fluffy clouds of drowsiness.
Home…
Safe…
I slept.
A Request
Thanks for reading!
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Want to know what else is roiling around in the cesspit of my mind? Drop by my blog and website at http://www.dianehenders.com, vote for your favourite character, and don’t forget to leave a comment in the guest book to say hi – I love hearing from you! Or you can connect with me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/authordianehenders. See you there!
Books in the NEVER SAY SPY series:
Book 1: Never Say Spy
Book 2: The Spy Is Cast
Book 3: Reach For The Spy
Book 4: Tell Me No Spies
Book 5: How Spy I Am
Book 6: A Spy For A Spy
Book 7: Spy, Spy Away
Book 8: Spy Now, Pay Later
Book 9: Spy High
Book 10: Spy Away Home
Book 11: To be released early 2016
Humour by Diane Henders
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Definitely Inappropriate
Totally Inappropriate
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About Me
By profession, I’m a technical writer, computer geek, and ex-interior designer. I’m good at two out of three of these things. I had the sense to quit the one I sucked at.
To deal with my mid-life crisis, I also write adventure novels featuring a middle-aged female protagonist. And I kickbox.
This seemed more productive than indulging in more typical mid-life crisis activities like getting a divorce, buying a Harley Crossbones, and cruising across the country picking up men in sleazy bars. Especially since it’s winter most of the months of the year here.
It’s much more comfortable to sit at my computer. And hell, Harleys are expensive. Come to think of it, so are beer and gasoline.
Oh, and I still love my husband. There’s that. So I’ll stick with the writing.
Diane Henders
Since You Asked…
People frequently ask if my protagonist, Aydan Kelly, is really me.
Yeah, you got me. These novels are an autobiography of my secret life as a government agent, working with highly-classified computer technology… Oh, wait, what’s that? You want the truth? Um, you do realize fiction writers get paid to lie, don’t you?
…well, shit, that’s not nearly as much fun. It’s also a long story.
I swore I’d never write fiction. “Too personal,” I said. “People read novels and automatically assume the author is talking about him/herself.”
Well, apparently I lied about the fiction-writing part. One day a story sprang into my head and wouldn’t leave. The only way to get it out was to write it down. So I did.
But when I wrote that first book, I never intended to show it to anyone, so I created a character that looked like me just to thumb my nose at the stereotype. I’ve always had a defective sense of humour, and this time it turned around and bit me in the ass.
Because after I’d written the third novel, I realized I actually wanted other people to read my books. And when I went back to change my main character to not look like me, my beta readers wouldn’t let me. They rose up against me and said, “No! Aydan is a tall woman with long red hair and brown eyes. End of discussion!”
Jeez, no wonder readers get the idea that authors write about themselves. So no, I’m not Aydan Kelly. I just look like her.
Spy Away Home (The Never Say Spy Series Book 10) Page 39
