“All right,” Maddy agreed quickly, glancing through the rear window in alarm. “Don’t have an accident. I was just thinking out loud. But I do think you should leave him,” Maddy said fiercely. “Nothing is worth this. I’ll bet you haven’t had a decent meal or a good night’s sleep since you married him. The hell with your father and Jean. If things continue this way you’ll be bringing them a sacrifice. Do you think either one of them would want that?”
“It’s not just them,” Jessica whispered. “I love him.”
“In spite of everything?”
“In spite of everything,” Jessica repeated.
Maddy sighed. “Well, I guess we’ll all be having a jolly old time at the formal tonight. Does Jack know yet that you sent the response card back and said you would both be there?”
“I told him last week.”
“What did he think?”
“He acted puzzled, confused, as though he couldn’t figure out what to make of it. I don’t know what he thinks. He doesn’t talk to me.”
“What do you mean he doesn’t talk to you?”
“He says things like, ‘I paid the light bill,’ or ‘Have you seen my gray striped tie?’ He doesn’t communicate. I don’t know, maybe it’s my fault. I started things off on the wrong foot the day after the wedding.”
“What happened?”
“Daphne Lewis called.”
“Oh, dear. I gather that was a problem.”
“For me,” Jessica said unhappily. “I’m afraid I didn’t handle it very well.” She glanced at Maddy, then back at the road, bending her head in a gesture of resignation. “You don’t understand, Maddy. In ten years I couldn’t get interested in any other man. I mean, some tried, but it was never any good. Never. It was always Jack. And now, when I see this going down the drain before my eyes, it’s...hard, that’s all.”
“I know,” Maddy said sympathetically. “I know it’s hard.” They were driving past the Portman house, and she interjected, “Look at all those trucks in the driveway. They must be making good progress on the renovations.”
Jessica nodded. “And the business is turning around, thanks to Jack’s infusion of cash. Jean is in New York, touring the art schools, and my father has the best medical attention money can buy.”
“Jack’s done everything he said he would.”
“Except love me,” Jessica said sadly. “But then, he never promised that.”
“He’s emotionally tied to you, Jessica, he has to be,” Maddy said. “He would never go to all the trouble he has if he weren’t.”
“He’s tied to me, all right,” Jessica answered quietly. “Revenge is a very powerful emotion.”
“It can’t be just that,” Maddy argued.
“It is. Even as a boy, Jack had that unbending, unyielding quality about him. He can’t forgive. He won’t, because he doesn’t want to. It’s as simple as that.”
“And in your case there’s really nothing to forgive,” Maddy said softly. “Taking such punishment every day when you know you don’t deserve it, I wonder that you don’t go mad.”
“I wonder if I am going mad.”
“You’re still sane, take my word for it.” Maddy turned her head to look out at the frosty December day, flowing past them as Jessica drove. “It’s funny, in a way. All the women in town envy you. If they only knew.”
“What is there to know? That he treats me like a fiscal responsibility?”
“Nobody sleeps with a fiscal responsibility.”
“Jack does.”
“Most of my friends would take what you have, be thrilled, and never miss what’s missing,” Maddy said reasonably.
“But they’re not me,” Jessica murmured. “I want him to love me.”
“You thought you could win him over, didn’t you?” Maddy asked sympathetically.
Jessica smiled deprecatingly. “I guess I overestimated my charm.”
“Oh, Jessica, don’t talk about yourself that way. No one ever had more charm for him than you did. If that’s changed, it’s because something is dead in him.”
“Yes, it is,” Jessica agreed, her voice flat and hopeless. “And I killed it.”
Maddy didn’t know how to reply, and silence filled the car until Jessica dropped her off at her house. The baby-sitter was peering through the curtain as they pulled up to the curb.
“Oh, oh. Looks like it’s ‘Ransom of Red Chief’ time. I wonder what the kid did this morning,” Maddy said wearily, opening her door. “Yesterday he turned a bowl of cereal upside down on my mother-in-law’s head.”
“You’d best get in there.”
“Come to think of it, she looked better wearing the cereal,” Maddy added, climbing out of the car, and Jessica grinned.
“That’s more like it,” Maddy said. “I’ll see you at eight. You’re sure we’re at the same table?”
“I requested it.”
“Okay.” She dropped her voice. “And if you decide at the last minute that you’d rather avoid it, just call me and I’ll tell everybody you have the flu.”
“Thanks, but I think I’m going to have to face up to this one,” Jessica answered, and Maddy nodded, slamming the door. She trotted up the walk to her house, and Jessica drove away, her mind on the dinner that night.
It began to sleet as she crossed town, and the roads became slippery with a fine glaze that shone like glass. Distracted, thinking over her conversation with Maddy, Jessica wasn’t paying attention and didn’t brake for a stoplight in time. She skidded into the intersection and collided with a car coming out of a side street, slamming into its rear fender.
She jolted to a halt, shaken but unhurt, and got out to see how the other driver was doing. The woman inside the car was conscious but holding her head, where a purpling bruise was already forming above her left eye.
“Are you all right?” Jessica asked as the woman rolled down her window.
“I think so. I just hit my head on the windshield,” the other driver replied.
“It was my fault. I skidded when I braked. You should have that checked to make sure it’s nothing serious. I’m certain my insurance will cover any damage to your car.”
They were still talking as a patrol car pulled up. A policeman got out and took down the necessary information. Jessica needed Jack’s insurance card number. She walked to the pay phone on the corner to call his office and get it from the secretary. She told the girl she would be going to the hospital and then followed the police vehicle to the emergency room.
Jessica was waiting in the reception area for the woman to finish up in Xray when Jack burst through the outer door, his hair disheveled, his face white beneath his light winter tan. He rushed up to the admitting desk and grabbed the charge nurse by the arm, demanding, “Jessica Chabrol. Where is she?”
The woman removed her arm from his grasp with an expression of extreme distaste and said frostily, “I beg your pardon?”
“You have a patient here named Jessica Chabrol. She was just admitted—young, pretty, blonde. She was in a car accident. What’s her condition?”
“Sir, we have no record—”
“Look, lady,” Jack interrupted in a dangerous tone, leaning in close to the nurse and stabbing his index finger into her collarbone, “I’m running out of patience with you. Now either you find out where the hell Jesse is or...”
“Jack,” Jessica managed to call weakly, finding her voice at last. Her astonishment at his performance had rendered her momentarily speechless. “I’m over here.”
He whirled to face her, his eyes widening. “Jesse,” he said. “What are you doing standing there?”
“Waiting. Nothing is wrong with me.”
He looked bewildered. “The message I got said that you’d been in an accident and were at the emergency room.”
“That’s right. I came to see that the driver of the car I hit was okay. She’s being examined right now.”
Jack recovered before her eyes, blinking and squaring his shoulders. “I�
��m going to kill that girl when I get back to the office,” he said grimly.
“It’s not her fault, Jack,” Jessica responded. “I was a little upset when I called. I probably confused her.”
“She was born confused.”
“You thought I was hurt?” Jessica asked, trying not to draw any conclusions from his behavior.
“I see that you’re not,” he answered casually, already regaining his equilibrium. “What happened?”
“I skidded into an intersection and sideswiped a car.”
“I see.” He looked her over coolly. “You’ll be staying here?”
Jessica nodded. “I want to make sure everything is all right.”
“Then I assume I’ll see you tonight,” he said, and turning on his heel, departed as abruptly as he had arrived.
“Did I imagine that?” the charge nurse said to nobody in particular. “Was that nut just here?”
“He was here,” Jessica answered thoughtfully, mulling over the scene in her mind. Then the door of the inner room opened and she turned to confront the doctor, putting aside the question of Jack’s concern for a later date.
* * * *
Jack drove back to his office directly from the hospital. The knot that had formed in his stomach at the news of Jesse’s accident loosened as he traveled the slick, frosted streets. He couldn’t delude himself any longer. He’d been in a panic when he thought she was hurt, and when he’d seen her standing there, whole and uninjured, his relief was tantamount to joy. He was fairly sure he had managed to conceal the depth of his emotion from her, but he wasn’t sure he could continue to do so.
The whole thing was not developing the way he had imagined. He’d thought he could keep her at a distance, but every day that passed he wanted her more. And not just in bed. He wanted her tenderness and understanding, her shared jokes and laughter, the warmth he had remembered for ten years the way a freezing man remembers a blazing hearth. It was just no good. He was tumbling over the edge into the same abyss that had consumed him when he was eighteen.
It didn’t help to tell himself that he was falling all over again for her tricks. He did that each waking minute and fell just as hard. The knowledge that he had compelled her to marry him rankled, and the awareness that she was taking it all so well, repaying his brutishness with patience and kindness, disturbed him even more.
Occasionally she did flare up at him, but the outbursts never lasted very long, as if she’d forgotten for a moment that she’d resigned herself to the situation, and then remembered again. He felt as if he were abusing her all the time, and he loathed himself for it. His pride would not let him reach out to her, the woman who had spurned him, but his conscience would not let him behave like a boor without troubling him. So he was miserable. Trapped in a prison of his own making, he kept Jesse locked in it with him, both of them lonely and heartsick.
Jack pulled his car into his parking space and went inside to have a little chat with his secretary.
* * * *
When Jessica got back to the apartment she tossed the pad with the other driver’s insurance information onto the kitchen counter. Then she collapsed into the deep chair by the fireplace. It looked as though the woman was fine, but she planned to check again in a few days to make sure.
The housekeeper had paid a visit during Jessica’s absence, and everything was put away in its place. The apartment was as neat as a monastic cell. Mrs. Jenkins was a compulsive tidier and was forever putting items in drawers and closets that Jack preferred left out where he could see them. He complained that she “hid” things on him, but when Jessica suggested that she might be able to take over the housework, he had reacted negatively, saying shortly that Mrs. Jenkins kept the place the way he liked it. This was patently untrue, and at the same time carried the implication that Jessica was incapable of doing so. She realized again that he didn’t want her taking care of him, doing the little things that strengthened the bond between two people. As always, he wanted to travel alone.
Jessica went to the bedroom and hung the plastic cleaner’s bag she was carrying on the door. It contained Jack’s tuxedo, which she had picked up before calling for Maddy, and she realized that Mrs. Jenkins had put away the studs the dress shirt required. Jack always left his few items of jewelry in a wooden tray on the dresser. Despite repeated requests to the contrary, the housekeeper invariably transferred them to a small carved box he kept in the top drawer. In order to avoid another diatribe on the shortcomings of Mrs. Jenkins, Jessica went to the drawer to retrieve the studs. She took out the box, which she had never examined, and flipped open the top, rooting around in the mess of cuff links and tie clasps for the elusive polished buttons.
She found all of them and was about to close the box when she saw a thin drawer at the bottom, below the base of the main container. She had never noticed it, and before she thought about it she pulled it open, wondering what he kept in there.
When she saw the contents she froze, sinking to the reclining chair in the corner of the bedroom with the box in her hands. In the drawer was a pile of photographs, six of them, held together with an elastic band. They were all of her.
The top one she remembered, a candid shot taken when she was laughing at Maddy’s antics at a Halloween party. Under it were four others, showing various poses, including the proof for her junior yearbook photo. And at the back of the pack she found a five-by-seven of the two of them, snapped by Jack’s sister Lalage when they spent a stolen evening at his house. It was captioned, in Jack’s hand, ‘Jesse and Me, Last Date.’
It was true. That was the final time they had been together, shortly before her fatal visit to Dr. Carstairs. Jessica sat staring at the photos, thinking that he had put them together after she was gone, to remember her. He had kept them all these years in this box with his most personal things, a testament to his depth of feeling for the girl who had left him.
Jessica closed her eyes, the pictures falling to the floor as she put her hands to her face. If he had felt so strongly about her once, why couldn’t he love her now, when they had a second chance? Why was he wasting it on a vengeance that was surely destroying them both? There was no understanding his baffling complexity, his stubborn adherence to a stance that was creating such unhappiness. Even today, when he might have comforted her at the hospital, let her see that he was glad she was all right, he had gone back to work and left her alone. She sat in a trance for several minutes, then gathered up the photos and put them away, making sure to replace the box where she had found it. She hadn’t meant to pry, but it wouldn’t do to reveal that she had discovered his secret.
By the time Jack came home from work that evening, Jessica had showered and was brushing her hair. He paused in the doorway of the bedroom, watching her work through the silken mass methodically, and then came to stand behind her, taking the brush from her hand without a word. Jessica bent her head as he brushed her hair till it crackled, using long, powerful strokes that made her scalp tingle and turned the individual strands into threads of the finest gossamer. When she looked up, he had gathered them into his fist, lifting the weight off her neck. Her eyes met his in the vanity mirror, and a current passed between them. Jessica waited for his next move, but he chose to turn away, letting her hair fall back into place and tossing the brush onto her enameled tray. Jessica let her breath out slowly as he went to change, thinking that he delighted in refusing her slightest invitation. The message was brutally clear: it always had to be his idea.
She dressed carefully in a deep emerald evening dress, fitted and strapless, with a long side slit designed to reveal one graceful leg. She had bought it the week before, at the urging of both Jean and the saleswoman, when Jessica herself had thought it too dramatic, too revealing. But one look at Jack’s face when she emerged from the bedroom wearing it convinced her that her advisers had been correct.
“You look beautiful,” he said flatly, and Jessica wondered wearily why he never sounded happy when he gave her a compliment. It
was almost as if he resented the ascendancy her beauty gave her over his will and emotions, and so viewed her physical allure with guarded respect, with meticulous caution.
He didn’t look bad himself. The black tuxedo flattered his lean, muscular frame and the pleated, stark white shirt set off his dark good looks to perfection, making his hair and eyes lustrous, vivid. They were, indeed, an attractive couple. Jessica wondered how many people viewing the handsome newlyweds that evening could guess at the turmoil concealed by their sartorial splendor.
Jack went to the hall closet and got her long evening cloak of soft, brushed wool, hooded and lined with fur. He slipped it over her shoulders and the folds swirled around her ankles. He put his topcoat over his arm and they went out to the elevator and descended to his car.
The Chamber of Commerce had rented a local club for the event. It was ablaze with lights and decorations as Jack and Jessica arrived. The carpeted entry hall had a twenty-foot Christmas tree decorated in blue and silver, with a myriad of tiny winking stars set among its branches. The crowd milled around in its shadow, greeting friends, checking coats and lining up to enter the ballroom. Jessica hoped it was her imagination that a hush seemed to fall over the gathering as she and Jack passed through it. She was relieved to see that Maddy and her husband were already seated.
Soon after they joined their table, the chairman of the event rose from the dais to speak. As she listened to him describe the wonderful things in store for the museum, Jessica looked around for Daphne, who was sure to be present. The chairman outlined the planned allocation of funds raised from this event, the various committees formed and their duties, while Jessica scanned the crowd, searching for Daphne’s dark, curly head. She finally gave up and was settling back in her seat when she looked right into Daphne’s eyes. The other woman was watching her, not ten feet away. Jessica, startled, gave her a weak smile. Daphne smiled back, nodding, and on the pretext of listening to the speech Jessica shifted in her chair to face the front of the room, breathing a silent sigh of resignation. Daphne was at the next table. Jessica looked at Jack, who was paying attention to the talk and had missed the wordless exchange. She looked down at her hands and resolved to stop acting like a skittish ten-year-old. When the chairman sat down she applauded politely as if she actually knew what he had said.
An Indecent Marriage Page 13
