by The Wit
‘No, I think he likes a little opposition.’
‘And are you any good at knowing how much?’
‘No. It’s what I enjoy. You get a wonderful view from the point of no return.’
*
Moist von Lipwig quizzes staff at the bank about the cost of making money:
‘So how do you get paid?’
There was a moment’s silence, and then Mr Shady said, like a man talking to a child: ‘This is a mint, sir.’
‘You make your own wages? Well, at least you’re in a profitable business,’ said Moist cheerfully. ‘I mean, you must be making money hand over fist!’
‘We manage to break even, sir, yes,’ said Shady, as if it was a close-run thing.
‘Break even? You’re a mint!’ said Moist. ‘How can you not make a profit by making money?’
‘Overheads, sir. There’s overheads wherever you look.’
‘Even underfoot?’
‘There too, sir,’ said Shady. ‘It’s ruinous, sir, it really is. Y’see, it costs a ha’penny to make a farthin’ an’ nearly a penny to make a ha’penny. A penny comes in at a penny far-thin’. Sixpences costs tuppence farthin’, so we’re in pocket there. Half a dollar costs seven pence. And it’s only sixpence to make a dollar, a definite improvement, but that’s ‘cos we does ‘em here. The real buggers are the mites, ‘cos they’re worth half a farthin’ but cost sixpence ‘cos it’s fiddly work, bein’ so small and havin’ that hole in the middle. The thru-penny bit, sir, we’ve only got a couple of people makin’ those, a lot of work which runs out at seven pence. And don’t ask me about the tuppenny piece!’
‘What about the tuppenny piece?’
‘I’m glad you asked me that, sir. Fine work, sir, tots up to seven and one-sixteenth pence.’
INDEX
A
absentmindedness, 111, 225
Aching, Tiffany, 247-50, 259-63, 283-6
advertising
of moving pictures, 85-6
of whiskey, 128
Albert, 34, 35, 37, 38, 39, 133-4, 168-9,172, 226
alchemists, 82
Angua, Sergeant, 125, 128, 129, 159, 160, 161, 162, 181
as werewolf, 159, 161, 183, 279
Ankh (river), 14, 35, 43, 47, 54, 57, 82, 84, 135
Ankh-Morpork, 22, 23, 33, 43, 47, 57, 62, 67, 81, 82, 84, 127-8, 169, 207, 215, 218, 270, 277
and barbarian invaders, 75
as haven for deposed royalty, 60
crime in, 13, 29, 54, 66, 67, 136-7, 163, 234, 269
economic activity in, 13, 47, 127-8, 133, 136-7
fire brigade, 180
founding of, 58
gangs in, 275
government, 40, 67
guilds, 57, 66, 68, 133, 161, 182, 235, 269 289
history 23, 86, 135, 138
medicine in, 68-9
Opera House, 154
patriotism in, 235
populace, 46, 67, 68, 138, 180, 181, 218, 269
Post Office, 267
smell of, 23, 29
See also Ankh, Harga’s House of Ribs, Mended Drum, Shades, Unseen University, Vetinari, Watch
anti-crimes, 93
Anybody, Rob, 249-50, 260, 262, 284, 286
architecture, 51, 59, 60, 87 120, 154
See also Johnson
armaments, as product of Age of Reason, 136
inventors of, 163, 169-70
art
Colon on, 276
modern, 276
AshkEnte, Rite of, 39, 75
assassination
for career advancement, 34, 81, 92, 135, 142, 189
of surplus monarchs, 60
assassins, 57, 167, 235
Assassins’ Guild School, 57, 233, 268
astrophysics, 13
A’Tuin, Great, 13, 43, 71, 113
Auditors, the, 213, 216
autocondimenting, 94
B
balance, need for, 97
baldness, 128, 171
banking, 291-2
baths: Granny Weatherwax on, 104
beards, 82, 267
beer, 45, 47, 82, 190
bees, 75
belief, 95, 173
in gods, 92, 95, 101, 224, 227-8
power of, 129
beliefs, questionable popular, 84, 96, 126, 163, 224, 226, 260, 267
See also superstition Bent, Mr, 291
Biers, 168
blasphemy, 58, 127
Blouse, Lieutenant, 253, 255
books
Cohen on, 20
crimes against, Librarian on, 68
Granny Weatherwax on, 27, 283
holiday reading, 189
impractical ideas from, 182, 196, 203
Leonard of Quirm’s, 136
magical, 24, 43-4, 65, 85, 129
magic generated by, 29, 70
Necrotelicomiiicon, the, 85
Octavo, the, 24
Post Office Regulations, 270
prayer book as protection in battle, 180-1
Reader in The Lavatory’s theory about, 135
unwritten, 112
Where’s My Cow?, 278
See also Library, L-space
bookworm, .303, 59
boots
crêpe soles, 136
Tiffany Aching on, 259
Vimes on, 125
boredom, of Hell, 77
bravery, 28
Broken Drum see Mended Drum broomsticks, 27, 102, 152
Brutha, 111, 197
Bursar, the (Unseen University), 39, 93, 94, 96, 135, 190
business management, 19
C
cabbage, boiled, 29
Campaign for Equal Heights, 162
Carrot, see Ironfoundersson
cats, 120, 217, 239, 240, 242, 259, 284
and vampires, 103
Death’s fondness for, 43, 226
Mr Tiddles, 267
sacred, 58
Susan on, 169
See also Greebo, Maurice chance, million-to-one, 30
charisma, 144
children
and Hogswatch, 138, 168-9, 171-2
as posterity, 43, 226
capabilities of, 214
normal behaviour of, 167
special needs, 214
children’s stories, 138, 167
Tiffany Aching on, 248
Where’s My Cow?, 278
chocolate, 193, 202, 219, 256
in Ankh-Morpork, 218
circus, 260-1
clerks, dark, 268
cliché, inevitability of, 48, 137, 241
clock cuckoos, 217
Clodpool, 213, 215, 216
clowns, 127, 261
Cohen the Barbarian, 20-1, 142-6, 225, 226
and women, 20
fighting technique, 21, 144, 145-6
on the greatest things in life, 20, 142-3
on the value of books, 20
Colon, Sergeant Frederick, 128, 129, 180-1, 231, 276, 279
and marriage, 67
appearance, 67, 125
mental powers, 177, 178, 183, 201, 275
on Art, 275
on protocol, 178, 179-80, 201
policing abilities, 178, 179-80, 275
Cool, Monks of, 122
conspiracy theory, 276
Cori Celesti, 19
Cosmopilite, Mrs Marietta, 84
Way of Mrs Cosmopilite, the, 216
Counting Pines, 92
crime
Mr Pump on, 268-9
punishment for, 163
Vimes on, 129
See also Ankh-Morpork, anti-crimes
Cripslock, Sacharissa, 209, 210, 290
D
dancing
in witchcraft, 53, 259
Lancre Stick and Bucket Dance, 122
Morris dance, 97, 286
Darktan (rat), 240, 243-4
Dean, the (Unseen University), 87, 96, 136, 167, 170, 171, 188
death, being dead, 15, 21, 34, 48, 57, 66, 97, 168, 190,
224, 267
at the opera, 156
beliefs of Nac Mac Feegle, 259
for Counting Pines, 92
for mayflies, 91-2
gloriousness of, 142-3
in a worthy cause, 21, 144, 182
pyramids as mechanism to prevent, 59
Death, 14-15, 21, 33-4, 38-40, 43, 48, 66, 75, 91, 97, 150-2, 168-9, 172-4, 190, 194, 203, 209-10, 216
and cats, 43, 226
as family man, 40, 174, 213
as Hogfather, 168-9, 172
as partygoer, 19, 34
evidence of sense of humour, 13-14, 117
games with, 96, 151-2
horse of, 33, 34, 48, 92
house of, 171, 213
in the Klatchian Foreign Legion, 134-5
on curry, 33
on human behaviour, 34, 173
Death of Rats, 168, 209-10
decor, institutional, 29
democracy, 40, 202
demons, 53, 75, 77, 78
Duke Vassenego, 77
Lord Astfgl, 76, 77
Detritus, Sergeant, 125, 159-60, 162, 177
de Worde, William, 207-10
Dhblah, Cut-Me-Own-Hand-Off, 111
Dibbler, C. M. O. T., 68, 82-6, 128, 207, 208, 235, 293
Djelibeybi, 57
dobby stone, 260
dogs, 101
Mr Fusspot, 291
noses, as wake-up call, 85
Scraps, 198
Wuffles, 46, 292-3
See also Gaspode
Doughnut Jimmy, 160
dragons, 15
anti-dragon devices, 68
swamp dragons, 69, 126
D’reg tribe, 181
dungeons, 71, 225, 292
attempted escape from, 142-3
Dunmanifestin, 19
dwarf bread, 104, 162
dwarfs, 87, 126-7, 136
and trolls, 126
Giamo Casanunda, 107, 118
Hwel, 54
See also Littlebottom
E
education
at Assassins’ Guild School, 57, 233
at Dame Slightly’s, 277
at Quirm College for Young Ladies, 218
at Unseen University, 141, 270-1
boarding-school, 207
broad, of Sergeant Colon, 177
downside to, 36, 58
for witches, 248
provided by Susan, 167, 214-15
See also learning, teachers
Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night, 65,66
elves, 120
evolution, results of, 28, 59, 126
explorers, 19-20, 177, 188, 201
F
familiars, witches’, 248
fighting fair
Assassins’ code, 235
Cohen on, 21, 145-6, 225
Marquis of Fantailler’s rules, 203
Vimes on, 233
Flitworth, Miss, 96
flow charts, 19
food
army rations, 253
at Harga’s House of Ribs, 38, 70, 127
at Mrs Arcanum’s, 208-9
autocondimenting of, 94
banged grains, 82
BLT, 277, 278
canapés, Death on, 34
C. M. O. T. Dibbler’s specialities, 81, 82-3, 207, 208, 235, 293
currant buns, 52
curry, 33, 102, 133, 208-9
eggs, juugly 37
Ephebian, 60
foreign, Granny Weatherwax on, 104
Greek, 30
healthiness of, Lady Sybil on, 278; Mrs War on, 217; Vimes on, 69, 278
in Agatean Empire, Cohen on, 142
muesli, 76
mushrooms, edibility of, 19
needing eating up, 279-80
pizza, 161
pork products and the Hogfather, 138
regional specialities, dangers of, 189
rumbustious, Miss Treason on, 284
salad bar, 271
strawberries, midwinter, 37
Fool, the, see Verence II
Four Horsemen, the, 48, 144-5
See also Death, Pestilence, War
funerals, 231, 261
G
games
at Hogswatch, 171
Exclusive Possession, 96
hide-and-seek, dangers of, 121
played by gods, 224
pub games, 134
gargoyles, 30, 43, 127
doorknocker, 35-6
Garlick, Magrat, 51–1, 102-7, 117, 120-1, 197
Gaspode the Wonder Dog, 83-5, 129, 201
genocide, result of religious conviction, 227-8
geography, 19-20, 27, 76, 117, 133, 193, 201, 260
geometry, 60
gods, 19, 28, 95, 112-13, 170, 224, 225, 227-8, 242, 277, 279, 283, 284, 291
Anoia, 270, 285
dwarfs and, 126-7
fashion in, 226
Hoki, 28
Om, 111, 226
Quezovercoatl, 76
witches and, 101
wizards and, 92
Gogol, Mrs, 106, 107
gold standard, Moist von Lipwig on, 292
golems, 146
Mr Pump, 268-9
Great Trout, the, 91-2
Greebo, 53, 102-3, 106, 285
Grim, Malicia, 239-43
H
hair
Dean on hair loss, 171
Granny Weatherwax on hair care, 155
problem, 137
Hangovers, oh God of, 170
Harga’s House of Ribs, 38, 70, 127
hats
Agnes on, 193
importance of, 106, 154, 215, 248
Tiffany Aching on, 247, 261
Heaven, size of, 218
Hell, 77, 78
highway robbery, unsuccessful, 118, 120
history
historical anecdote, 23, 37-8, 121, 138
Historical Re-creation, 280
Lord Selachii on, 177
nature of, 37-8
of Ankh-Morpork, 86
See also legends
Hogfather, the, 138
Hogswatch, 138, 168
Death’s Hogswatch card, 174
UU faculty on, 171-2
holiday postcards, 103-4
Hong, Lord, 142, 145
Hong, Mr, 177-8
Howler, Stanley, 270
I
Igors, 195, 196, 197, 198, 202, 278, 293, 294
Code of the Igors, 216
imagination, as human characteristic, 213, 227-8
intellectual powers
Colon’s, 178, 183, 201, 275
compensations for lack of, 279
Detritus’s, 177
Leonard’s, 135-6, 179
Ridcully’s, 93, 119, 280
intentions, good, 71, 78
Ironfoundersson, Captain Carrot, 125, 128, 129, 181, 278-9
and Angua, 162
as policeman, 68, 69, 178, 279
character, 126, 127
leadership qualities, 129
on Discworld from space, 226-7
on gargoyles, 127
J
Jackrum, Sergeant, 253-5
Johnson, Bergholt Stuttley (‘Bloody Stupid’), 169-70, 228
Jolson, All, 201
K
Keith, 239-43
Keli, Princess, 35-6, 37, 39
kitchen drawers, 260
Anoia, goddess responsible for, 270, 285
Klatchian Foreign Legion, 134-5
knowledge, power of, 28
L
Lancre, 117, 153, 193
Castle, 51
mail delivery, 121
military capacity, 104
monarchy, 195
women, 149
Lasgere of Tsort, Prince, 112
Lawn, Dr Mossy, 232-3
leadership
among witches, 102, 261, 262
dressing for, 145
effective, 71-2, 93, 129
problems of, 243-4, 268
&
nbsp; learning
dwarfs on, 136
royal road to, 112
legends, Discworld, 135, 138, 187, 227
Leonard of Quirm, 128, 135-6, 179, 225, 226-7
military nature of inventions, 136
Librarian, the (Unseen University), 29-30, 44, 45, 46, 65, 69, 117, 135
as organist, 155
regard for books, 68
Library, the (Unseen University), 44, 65. 68, 70, 112, 129, 188, 269
light, nature of, 188
Lilywhite, Medium Dave, 172-3
Lipwig, Moist von, 267-9, 291-95
listening, art of, 111, 136, 177, 284
Littlebottom, Corporal Cheery, 159-61
Llamedos, 133
L-space, 70
Ludd, Lobsang, 214, 215-16, 217, 218
Luggage, the, 44
Lu-Tze (Sweeper), 215-16, 217, 218, 231-2
Ly Tin Wheedle, 19, 48
M
magic
long-term effects, 15, 219
magic word, the, 36
nature of, 28
occult jewellery, 261
of standing stone, 52-3
Rite of AshkEnte, 39, 75
rules of, 120
unit of measure, 24
usefulness of (or otherwise), 14, 21
witchcraft, 121, 248, 250, 261, 283
marriage, 39, 67
choice of partner, 36-7, 53, 149, 275
Nanny Ogg on, 120-1
vampirism by, 95
Maurice, 239-43
mayflies, 91-2
medical care, 68-9, 160, 232-3
See also Igors, Weatherwax Medusa, 137
Mended Drum, the, 38, 46, 134, 270
mental instability, instances of, 52, 85, 129, 135, 153, 190, 201, 283
metaphor
extended, 13, 21, 22, 24, 29, 37, 47, 60, 119, 161, 170
inherent inaccuracy of, 22, 23, 35, 61-2, 277
trouble with, 125, 127-8, 153, 169
military strategy, 77
General Tacticus on, 255
of Bruce the Hoon, 144
military training, 253-5
mime artists, 67
money
and banking, 291
circulation of, 143
language of, 13
old, 290
worth of, 291
Morris dance, 97, 122, 286
Mort, 33-9
musicians, 133
N
Nac Mac Feegle, the, 248-50, 259, 261, 284
and drink, 249-50, 259
and fighting, 249, 259, 284
See also Anybody
names, as matter for remark, 16, 19-20, 34, 53, 96, 133, 136, 201, 247, 267, 284
in Klatchian Foreign Legion, 134-5
in the Nac Mac Feegle, 249
natural selection, 28, 142, 207
natural world
unpleasant aspects of, 96, 260
wonders of, 112, 224
newts, 96, 155
New York Second, 122
Nijel, 47, 48
Nitt, Agnes, 149, 193, 195-6, 198
Nobbs, Corporal Nobby, 71, 128, 160, 177,231
acquires girlfriend (Tawneee), 275, 279
and Colon, 178, 179, 180, 181, 201, 275, 276
species questioned, 66, 67, 125, 130, 156
