by Jenika Snow
I closed my eyes and leaned against the bedroom door. What I could have? I didn’t think Brendan saw me as anything more than what I was, but I also couldn’t deny the feeling I got when he looked at me. It certainly didn’t seem like a passing glance. I felt heat come from his stare, and just thinking about it all, about the innocent touch of our hands, and how that made me feel … how he’d acted afterward, had this hope blossoming in my chest that maybe he felt something more for me.
But reality, and the common sense side of me said to wake up, focus on getting a job and move out, because wanting something like that probably wasn’t in the cards for me.
I needed to get my head on straight, stop letting my emotions and desires rule me, and focus on working toward the end goal. I couldn’t stay here forever—even if that sounded pretty nice. Brendan might say I could stay here for however long I needed, and I believed him, knowing he meant it, but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome.
What if he brought a girl home, or wanted to but felt too weird because I was here? God, just thinking about him with someone twisted my stomach. Just thinking about seeing a girl walk through that door with him, knowing why she’d be there, had me sick. Jealousy was like a living entity in me, and I hated it.
But then again, this was my mind conjuring up this shit. He hadn’t so much as spoken to a girl on the phone, and even if he did, there was nothing I could get upset about. He didn’t know how I felt about him, and he didn’t owe me anything with regard to being celibate.
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
I pushed away from the door and walked over to the dresser, grabbed a change of clothes, and heard the front door open and close before I even turned. The sound of guys laughing loudly told me Brendan was home, and he’d clearly brought some friends with him. I went over to the bedroom door and opened it, hearing the tail end of some crude joke, followed by everyone laughing.
I didn’t hear any women, and that made me feel like an asshole because I was trying to see if any were here. But I also wasn’t about to go check just in case she wasn’t saying anything. It wasn’t my business, and I needed to worry about myself.
“Thanks for coming out with me,” one guy said. “I don’t know what the fuck to do about Trina.”
“It’s all good, man,” Brendan said, his voice thick, deep, and slightly slurred. “Trust me, I know all about being caught up in my own bullshit, although I’ve never been in a situation like that.”
There was a mutter of agreement.
“I know how hard it is trying to wrap your head around someone.”
“Yeah?” the guy said.
“You got someone?” a guy asked after Brendan spoke.
A moment of silence passed, and I felt my chest seize. I found myself moving away from the bedroom and bathroom and closer to the living room entry. I looked around the framework. Three big guys were all sitting down, their backs to me. Brendan made up the fourth guy in the room, leaning against the wall, his focus on the guy who I assumed had asked the question.
“I don’t have someone, but I sure as fuck want someone.”
“So go after her. You fucking know you could get anyone you wanted, you bastard.”
A round of laughter filled the living room from the other three guys.
“Nah, it’s not that easy, and she’s not like other girls. I’ve been holding back for a while, needing to figure out how the fuck I’m going to get her.”
“Damn, you sound like this is the real deal,” one of the other guys said.
“It is,” was Brendan’s reply.
“And how’s that gonna work? Kind of cramping the style to tell the girl you’re banging to shut up so your sister doesn’t hear.”
“Fuck you, Max. One, she’s not my fucking sister, and her being here won’t be a fucking problem. So shut the fuck up about that.”
My belly clenched at hearing that. God, if I had to hear him having sex with another woman…
I shook my head, not going to think about that.
A hot shower was exactly what I needed. Maybe it would clear my head, and help me relax and not think about Brendan with someone else.
Once in the bathroom, I undressed and stared at myself in the mirror. I could still hear them talking and wondered how in-depth Brendan was going about how he felt about his mystery girl. Knowing he wanted someone, had enough feelings for someone to make it “the real deal,” made me feel like throat-punching someone.
I looked at my body, at the fact I wasn’t beautiful in the classical sense, not in the way a guy like Brendan would probably go after. Truth was, I actually didn’t know what kind of girl Brendan went after. During high school and college, he never brought any girls home for us to meet, never even talked about anyone he was interested in.
I turned from my reflection and started the shower, stepped in, and let the hot water run down my back. I stood there for long minutes, not doing anything but inhaling the steam-filled air, trying to clear my mind, and trying to figure out a way to act like I was “normal.”
Once I got out of the shower and was dressed, I tried to hear if the guys were still here. I just heard silence, but my heart was beating loudly, the sound filling my head.
What would happen if I were just honest, just told him how I felt? How could that be wrong? What could possibly be bad about that?
Of course, that was easier said than done.
I left the bathroom and looked toward the living room. The light was on, but I didn’t hear anything. Fixing the towel that kept my wet hair in place atop my head, I headed to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water before calling it a night.
I didn’t bother turning the light on and was glad I’d opted out of it when I heard noises right outside. Before I even could get what I came for out of the fridge, I looked out the kitchen window above the sink to see the three guys standing by a car, and Brendon in front of them. One of them was getting in the backseat while the other was climbing in the front. The driver, I presumed, was still talking with Brendan.
I couldn’t really hear what they said, just the deep timbre of Brendan’s voice as he replied to whatever his friend said.
He transfixed me. The way Brendan stood there with his muscular legs slightly apart, his big arms crossed over his chest, had me thinking pretty filthy thoughts. When the guy walked around the car and got in and Brendan turned, I should have taken that as a sign to get my ass out of the kitchen so I wasn’t caught being a creep. But when I saw Brendan looking right at me through the window, despite the lights being off, I was frozen.
I had a feeling tonight would be a break-it kind of evening, and I didn’t know if I was ready for that.
6
Meghan
I knew I should have moved, or even just looked away, but I couldn’t force myself to do either of those things.
We held each other’s gazes for long seconds, and it was only when I heard the slight crinkling of the plastic bottle I held did I realize I was crushing it in my hand. That had me coming out of my frozen stupor for a second, but then I felt the arousal tenfold, and hated that I couldn’t control myself better.
My shirt rubbed against my breasts, making my nipples harden. I felt dirty, but in a good way, in a way that told me I wanted something I couldn’t have. Brendan started heading inside, and I knew I just needed to get to my room so I didn’t make this an unbelievably awkward moment. But, of course, as soon as I left the kitchen, Brendan was stepping through the front door.
Lowering my head so I was looking at the floor, I planned on just mumbling goodnight and being done with it.
“Hey,” Brendan said, his deep voice causing me to still.
“Yeah?” I felt very nervous for some reason. I didn’t turn around fully, just looked over my shoulder at him.
He knitted his brows, probably wondering why the hell I was acting weird. And I was acting weird as hell. I felt like he could hear my heart racing, like he could see the beads of sweat starting to form on my bo
dy. This reaction had been instant, and I hated that I was acting like this; my emotions, feelings, even the way my body was responding, was out of my control.
It was like that one look he gave me had everything in me rushing around, becoming alive, and feeling if I didn’t just man-up and tell him how I felt it would eat me alive.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, the worry in his voice very evident.
“Nothing,” I said, my voice slightly raised, feeling like I was on a cliff and about to fall right over. His brows dipped even lower.
“Meghan, what the fuck is wrong? You’re acting weird as hell.”
I shook my head and ran my sweaty palms over my legs. “I’m fine,” I lied, but I knew it wasn’t convincing. The more I stood here, staring at him, thinking about him wanting some other girl, the more I wanted to tell him how I felt. I wanted to tell Brendan it should be the two of us and that no one else would get us. But I didn’t even know what the hell that meant. All I knew was I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I was afraid. The scenario of me actually spitting the words out, and admitting I loved him, was so terrifying I felt my hands start to shake.
I hadn’t planned on telling him, at least not now, not yet, but then hearing about this mystery woman of his, the fact I might see him with her, hear them together … yeah, I couldn’t handle that, didn’t even want to imagine that.
He took a step closer and shook his head. “What the hell is going on? You drunk?” he asked and looked me up and down. I know it was more out of concern, but him looking at me had this chill racing up my spine. It had my already lit arousal burning brighter.
And, of course, my nerves were shot, my throat was dry and tight, and I felt like if I tried to say anything I’d trip over my words.
“Turn around and look at me,” he said with a voice harder than I’d ever experienced directed my way. He took a step closer, his brow furrowed, his big body tight. “Did something happen at school today?” I could feel the anger and heat coming from him. “Did someone fuck with you?” His voice was deadly quiet.
I tuned around and shook my head. “No,” I said softly, not trusting my voice. “I’m fine.”
He shook his head, stopping me from saying anything else to assure him I was fine with regard to someone hurting me.
He eyed me up and down again. “I don’t believe you, because you don’t look fine. You look scared or nervous, or like something pretty fucking serious is going on, Meghan.” He took another step closer, and I felt the heat from his body move along mine. I shivered, curled my hands into fists by my sides, and tried to work up the courage to tell him how I felt. I knew if it didn’t go well, I couldn’t stay here. I was sure he wouldn’t kick me out, but I would feel too awkward being here after being turned down.
But being homeless wasn’t why I was so afraid to say anything.
Losing Brendan, having our relationship change, scared the shit out of me.
He grabbed my shoulders in a gentle hold and leaned down so we were eye-to-eye. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
A moment of silence passed, and I nodded. “I know.”
He gave my shoulder a squeeze and slid his hands down my arms, the electricity I felt from his touch spearing every part of me.
Just tell him. You’ll only feel worse if you don’t.
But still we stared at each other, because the fear of losing him was too much.
“You’re scaring the shit out of me right now,” he said, a thickness in his voice that told me he was really worried.
I found my nerve and inhaled and exhaled. I took a step back because I needed a little distance to do this. The scent of the alcohol he’d had moved between us. Although I could tell he was probably a little intoxicated, he didn’t act drunk right now. He acted alert, ready to hear what I had to say.
I doubt that’ll be the case once I open my mouth.
“Meghan, come on, sweetheart, talk to me.”
I took one more deep breath and just went for it. “You love someone?”
He seemed taken aback, but hell, I would have too if he’d thrown that question at me.
He didn’t answer for a second and lifted his hand to run it over the short strands of his hair. “What?” he said, his voice tighter, it seemed.
“I…” God, could I do this? “I overheard you saying you cared about someone, and I wondered.” I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. “It’s none of my business–”
“Yes, I’m in love with someone,” he said, cutting me off. He looked at me for just a second before turning away, as if the sight of me was uncomfortable. “But it’s complicated as hell.”
Yeah, probably more for me than you.
“Isn’t it always complicated?” I asked in a teasing voice, but the situation seemed very tense, and I felt awkward saying anything at all. He looked at me then, his face strained, as if this were almost painful.
“This is pretty fucking complicated.”
I swallowed after he spoke and nodded slowly.
“But I don’t understand why you’re asking me that.”
My tongue felt too thick at the moment, but I knew I needed to grow some balls, so to speak.
“Is that what has you acting like this?” His brow was furrowed again.
“I—”
“Are you worried about me loving someone, Meghan?”
His question took me aback, and I blinked a few times, not sure how to answer, although the answer was pretty damn easy. As the seconds passed, and the weirdness of this entire situation grew, I felt this dawning realization come over me as I stared at him.
He knew or at least guessed. That was clear by the look he was giving me. It was a mixture of shock and something else, something I really couldn’t put my finger on.
Might as well just spit this shit out then.
“Meghan?” He said my name deeply.
“Yes, that’s what has me acting like this, but that’s not the only thing.” I ran my hands over my legs again, trying to stop them from shaking.
“Why?” he asked and moved a step closer again. I couldn’t breathe at the moment and began to feel lightheaded.
“Because…” I managed to say, my voice nothing more than a whisper.
“Because why?” He took another step closer; the shocked expression still on his face was mixed with that other thing I couldn’t put my finger on.
He was just a foot from me now, the smell of the alcohol that laced his breath and the cologne he wore making me feel drunk.
“Because why, Meghan?”
God, why was this so hard?
“Because I don’t want you loving anyone.” There, I’d said part of it. That was an accomplishment, right?
But my heart was beating so hard, so fast, that I swore he’d be able to hear it, see it beating rapidly under my flesh.
He didn’t move, but he still held my gaze, still made me feel like he could see right inside of my soul.
“You don’t want me loving anyone?” he said softly, deeply and lowered his gaze to my mouth.
Oh God. I felt like I could combust right here and now.
“I don’t want you loving anyone else,” I whispered. I could have closed my eyes at the sheer terror that went through me, but instead, I forced myself to look him in the eyes. I don’t know how long we stood there, both of us barely breathing, but finally he leaned back an inch. I found myself breathing in deeply, not realizing I’d been holding my breath.
“You love me?” The way he said it made me feel really off kilter, like maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.
“Yes, I love you, Brendan.”
He broke eye contact with me, looking at the ground, and I saw his jaw working. It was clear he was deep in thought, and I knew I’d just ruined this.
Too late to take it back now. Too late to try and make this seem less serious than it is.
Because it was serious, so serious I now knew telling him was the right thing, whether it turned out horribly
or not.
“Say that again,” he said, but his brow was furrowed, as if he were still so confused at hearing me say it. I couldn’t gauge how he felt by his expression, either.
“I love you and knowing you love someone else hurts.” I said it again, and it didn’t get any easier.
A second of silence passed as he watched me, and then he exhaled and closed his eyes. “You have no idea what hearing you say that does to me, Meghan.”
Disgust?
Awkwardness?
Being uncomfortable?
“Because knowing the girl I love feels the same way is pretty fucking incredible.”
Wait.
What?
7
Meghan
He moved closer, placed his hands on the wall beside my head, and said in a low voice, “You are the girl I was talking about.” He looked down at my lips. “You are the one I love.” When he looked at my face, my heart jumped into my throat. “I’ve been in love with you for years, but didn’t have the balls to say anything. I didn’t want to ruin what we have, the friendship we’ve created.” He leaned in close again, and I closed my eyes as I smelled his intoxicating scent. “It’s always been you for me, Meghan.”
“Brendan?” I don’t know what I was asking him, but I felt like I was Alice and had just fallen down a rabbit hole.
“You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted, but I didn’t want to say anything and ruin this,” he said and pulled away an inch.
“I didn’t want to say anything either.” God, was that my voice; deep and husky and filled with longing?
Is this really happening?
“I would rather have you as a friend than lose you because I freaked you the fuck out by admitting how I felt.”
I didn’t know what to say, didn’t even know if I could have spoken if the words had been there.
My heart was in my throat at the things Brendan said. He’d never been one to share something sentimental, never been one to show any kind of emotion, actually. He’d been tough and strong, and the guy that had made sure no guys messed with me, even if at the time it drove me crazy. He’d always looked out for me, so the fact he was saying he loved me too was almost too much, and was almost too unbelievable.
