by Rachel Astor
She kept droning on and on about the sound quality and the decorating and a bunch of other stuff, but I couldn’t really pay much attention, what with my stomach churning the way it was. The sides of my mouth watered with that telltale pre-vomit feeling.
I had to tell her. She’d have to cancel the venue. I mean, I didn’t know for sure she wouldn’t be the one planning the wedding, but I certainly didn’t know for sure that she was.
But the words never came. Something did though… I was barely able to set down the phone before I flew to the bathroom to empty the final results of last night’s celebration.
Jen was nice enough to say goodbye to my mother for me.
As I lay there, my head cooling on the porcelain, my cell buzzed what seemed like several dozen times.
I let them all go to voicemail.
A while later—it could have been an hour, or it could have been six—I snuck a peek at my texts. There were about a million from Mattie, and I had the feeling that if I checked my voicemail, a good portion of those would be from him too.
They started out friendly enough, asking about the wedding cake, wanting me to confirm which one I’d decided on. But they got progressively less friendly with quite a few ‘where are you?’ messages to freaking-out ones asking if I was dead until the next one: ‘okay, I just talked to Jen and found out you’re alive. That’s great. But there are deadlines here Josie, DEADLINES!!!’ He even used the triple exclamation points and everything.
Finally, his texts calmed down a little, but did not get any easier on me. ‘Okay, I’m just going to book this. If I don’t, we won’t have a cake for the wedding. I figure the risk of the wrong cake is better than no cake at all. Call me if you even care which one I ordered.’
I sighed, dropping the phone. Why did all of this happen today, of all days? It was supposed to be my walking on top of the world day. But all I got was a giant mess I was going to have to somehow clean up.
You know, later, after I felt a bit more like myself.
I hauled myself into bed, thinking everything would be rosy once I just got a little sleep.
I could not have been more wrong.
~ ~ ~
A light tap sounded at my door, waking me from my slumber.
“Hey,” Jake said, crawling into bed with me.
“Hey,” I said back, still half asleep, though not too asleep to wonder if I’d remembered to brush my teeth after the earlier vomit session.
Luckily, I had, so I just rolled back over and waited for him to put his arm around me.
“I missed you,” he whispered.
“I missed you too,” I whispered back, kind of wishing I could keep sleeping forever.
Especially with Jake all warm and snuggled in behind me.
“So what were you celebrating?” he asked.
“Hmm?” I mumbled.
“Jen said you were sleeping off a little celebration. So what’s the good news?”
The foggy haze of sleep was just so alluring, all I wanted was to follow the cloud of sleep that seemed to lie just ahead and hope the mean person trying to wake me would fail.
In my stupor, I batted his hand away with mine. “Later, I’ll tell you later.” Honestly, I couldn’t even remember what the good news was in that delicious moment of half-sleep.
“Come on, don’t leave me in suspense. Is it something to do with the wedding?” He tickled my ear with his nose.
Things started to come back into my consciousness slowly. The wedding. Ugh, Mattie and Mom. Dates and venues.
And, oh yeah… book deals.
I flipped over and rubbed my eyes, trying to wake myself now.
I smiled, my eyes still closed, pointing to the nightstand. He could read all about it in Andrea’s story. That way, I could keep waking myself up until he was ready to kiss me the rest of the way awake.
I heard the rustling of the paper, followed by a stiffening of his body. He moved away from me slightly.
“What did you do?” he asked.
It was not exactly the reaction I’d been expecting. I mean, I knew he wasn’t head over heels about the diary going public again, but it’s not like we didn’t make it through before.
“Did you read the article though?” I asked. “The diary is just the gateway book. Then there’s the wedding book, and after that, who knows. This is a really, really big deal for me,” I said, smiling.
But Jake was not smiling.
At all.
“We talked about this. I thought we agreed you weren’t going to do this.”
I crinkled my brow, sitting up, fully awake now. “I didn’t agree to that. I mean, I knew you had reservations about it but…”
“Reservations? Josie, do you have any idea what you’ve done? Christ, you can’t even decide what to have for breakfast by yourself and then you go and do something this life altering without even consulting me?” He jumped out of bed, his eyes wild.
Maybe the insult stung so much because I’d been struggling inside my own head over the whole indecisiveness thing lately, but hearing it out loud, especially from Jake definitely made my defenses go up.
I discreetly closed my hanging mouth, finding the words I wanted to say. “Well, maybe if you were around a little more often, this wouldn’t have happened.” He spun around, ready to shout, but I wasn’t finished yet. “You know what? Yes it would have. What’s wrong with me making a living on my own.”
“You call this a living? Pimping out your most embarrassing moments? Don’t you realize the whole world is laughing at you?”
It was like a slap in the face. I mean, of course people were laughing, that was the point. I took a deep breath. “They’re laughing with me Jake. They relate to me because they know they’ve done just as stupid of stuff.”
“Not every God damned day of their lives,” he spat.
I physically leaned back as if I’d been punched in the gut.
“How could you do this to me again?” he asked.
“Do what to you? Those people read the stories to feel better. To see that silly little moments don’t have to be what define you. That anyone can rise up and hold their head high and still be successful, no matter how bad things get. That’s what the Disaster Diary is about. And I thought you of all people, understood that.”
He let his arms fall by his side, sighing heavily. “I just can’t go through that again.”
“You didn’t have to go through anything Jake… I did.”
“Yeah, well there was collateral damage you know. But I guess you’re too involved in yourself to notice.”
I scoffed. “You know this is what I’ve always wanted to do.”
“Make a fool of yourself?”
I narrowed my eyes. “No… be published.”
“Yeah, well, this isn’t the way you’re going to do it. I’m not going to live through it again.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yeah, well the contract’s already signed.”
“So get out of it.”
“I can’t, even if I wanted to.”
He paced across the room. “So that’s the way it is then? You don’t care at all what I think?” he asked.
“Of course I care Jake, but you’re being completely unreasonable. This is my chance to be something bigger than just the girlfriend of a movie star.”
“You’re supposed to be the wife of a movie star, actually.”
“Right, wife.”
He chuckled humorlessly, shaking his head, unable to look me in the eye. “So that’s it then? You’ve made up your mind?”
“I told you, I signed the contract.”
He started to walk out the door. “Then I guess I’ve made mine up too.”
“What’s that supposed to mean,” I said, my stomach seizing.
He turned, and this time looked me straight in the eyes. “I can’t marry someone who completely disregards what I want.”
“Oh, and I’m supposed to?” I spat back, putting one hand on my hip.
&nbs
p; He shrugged. “I guess not.”
“Come on Jake!” I yelled.
But it was too late. He had already walked out.
CHAPTER 16
The room began to spin, and this time it had nothing to do with the stupid champagne.
Jen burst into the room. “Josie, what happened?”
But I was in no state to speak. Cripes, I was barely in a state to breathe. In fact, I did seem to be hyperventilating quite a bit as I tried to hold back the tears.
I shook my head, my face crumpling.
Jen came over to console me, but I pushed her away, shaking my head. “I… think… I just… need some… time,” I said, between huge, not quite sobbing gasps.
“Okay, okay,” she said, backing away off the bed. “Just, um…” she looked around the room, obviously unsure what to do. She didn’t seem too keen on leaving me alone. “Come and get me if you need anything. Anything, okay?”
I nodded, the first tear finally coming to the surface. “Yeah, okay.”
She shut the door quietly behind her and I was alone again. In the dark. In my tiny bedroom apartment, and for the first time in a long time, I began to think this might be my future.
The floodgates opened and I cried. Like bawled like I’d never bawled before in my life.
I flopped over in my bed, not wanting to do anything but scream, but knowing Jen was in the next room, I thought I might come off sounding a bit like a lunatic.
And then I saw it.
My diary, sitting there, innocent on the nightstand right underneath the damned paper I had so stupidly shown Jake. God, how could I not have known he’d react the way he did? He practically told me straight out not to do it.
I grabbed the diary, my future life draining away before my eyes.
I don’t know what came over me. I was just sitting there holding the thing that meant so much to me, and now… had ruined my life.
Again.
And so I tore. Slowly at first, one page at a time, then with more abandon, pulling hard on the pages, using all my strength to get them out faster. I tore the pages into tiny pieces, still wanting to scream but putting all that energy into tearing into smaller and smaller bits.
The product of my blood, sweat, and tears lay littered, like pieces of confetti after the last slow song had played at a New Year party.
I cried myself to sleep, and when I woke up, I cried some more.
Later, when there was nothing left in me, I got up and stumbled out to the living room, feeling completely dehydrated, my eyes swollen and sore.
“Hey,” Jen said, looking up from her computer. “How are you?” She got up and actually pulled out a chair for me, which kind of made me feel better, like there was at least one person on my side.
“So I guess the news hasn’t broken about the break-up yet, hey?” I asked.
“Is it really that? You guys seriously broke up? Because I don’t think I could handle it if that was really the case.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think I can handle it either, but I don’t see us working it out anytime soon.”
“But what the hell happened? Everything was fine.”
“The Disaster Diary happened.”
“What do you mean? The diary’s nothing new.”
I raised my eyebrows in agreement. “But I hadn’t agreed to publish it before. I knew he didn’t want me to, but I went ahead and did it anyway. I guess I just… didn’t think he’d get this upset. I thought it would be like, something we’d have a silly little tiff over or something. I didn’t think he really cared that much about it.”
“So what’s his problem? It’s not like he’s even in it, I mean other than maybe a tiny mention here or there. And it’s not like he’s the one being embarrassed.”
I shrugged. “I guess he doesn’t want to be married to a joke.”
She sighed. “Christ, I can’t believe I talked you into doing it. I feel like this is all my fault.” She slumped back in her chair.
I shook my head. “No, this was my decision. And honestly, even after all this, I still want it to be published.” I poured myself a cup of the tea Jen had sitting beside her. “Even more, maybe.”
“How come?”
I thought for a minute. “I don’t know. It’s like… the principle, you know? Jake thinks it makes me look like a total joke or whatever, but I just feel like… after the last time, that I kind of owned it, you know? Like it’s a huge part of who I am, and people feel like they know me because of it.”
She nodded. “I’ve seen the way people come up to you on the street. Like people I would never think in a million years would have the personality to come right up to a stranger, but with you, they don’t even hesitate.”
I smiled. “Yeah, it was pretty great.”
“It’s like you’re an old friend to everyone.”
I let out a tired puff of air. “Thanks,” I said, grabbing her hand. “I needed that.”
“Anytime.”
“So I guess there won’t be a wedding book now,” I said, with a sad smile. “I wonder how much of the advance I’m going to have to give back.”
Jen shrugged. “Maybe it will work out. Besides, doesn’t your agent have like, a bazillion ideas for more memoirs or whatever.”
I nodded. “She is a little… enthusiastic.”
She chuckled. “Well, whatever she is, it seems to be working.”
We sat and talked for a while, Jen doing her best to make me feel better. And I did feel a bit better for a while, but each time I remembered everything that had gone on, the tears would always come again.
And again.
~ ~ ~
Jen did her best to keep my mother and Mattie at bay while I took a few days to process everything.
But it was time.
I had to come clean with Mom and Mattie, about how they were both currently planning my wedding, and that the wedding was no longer taking place.
I hoped they would feel sorry enough for me to overlook the little part about how I hadn’t ever made up my mind.
I invited them both to lunch, then showed up a half hour early to make sure they wouldn’t be alone together and figure out the inevitable all on their own. The truth needed to be massaged a little.
Finally, after Mattie showed up approximately three minutes late, causing my mother to nearly have an aneurysm, I was able to tell them.
Except staring them both in the face like that, with all that pressure, I found it wasn’t as simple as I’d hoped. The plan had been to come clean first and then tell them that none of it mattered anyway since there wasn’t even going to be a wedding anymore, but with them both just looking at me like that, I decided on another route.
I took a deep breath. “The wedding is off.”
Their mouths dropped open in unison. “But I’ve already booked everything,” they both said at the exact same time.
Then they each got a weird look on their face and slowly turned to each other. “What do you mean you’ve already booked everything?” my mother asked Mattie.
“Um, hello, I’m the wedding planner, of course I’ve booked everything. It’s kind of what we do. Why on Earth would you book anything?”
“Well, for your information young man, I am the wedding planner. Josie’s been all over the city picking out things with me.”
“Uh no,” he said, his voice taking on a sarcastic edge. “She’s been picking things with me.”
And then their heads pivoted to me as if they’d choreographed and practiced it for hours.
Unfortunately they seemed to be missing the most important point.
I fought with everything I had not to cry. “Um, the point is, really, that the wedding is off, so it doesn’t even matter anyway.” Suddenly my salad was intensely interesting.
“But what about everything that’s booked? I’ve put deposits down on everything,” my mother said, fanning herself.
“You and me both,” Mattie said, and though I couldn’t look at either of them, I got t
he distinct impression he was giving me one of his famous glares.
“I’ll pay you both back, I promise.”
“With what?” my mother asked, obviously thinking I was out of my mind.
“My book money,” I said, my voice quiet.
“That ridiculous diary money? Good God Josie, you really are trying to kill me, aren’t you?”
My mind swirled with all the things I’d done wrong. In fact, it seemed like I had never done anything right. Turning the diary into a book seemed so right at the time, so natural, but it had completely ruined everything.
No wonder I never wanted to make any decisions, when I did finally make one, it was always the bloody wrong one.
A tear fell and I wiped it away quickly, hoping they wouldn’t notice. After all this, I couldn’t bear to break down again. Not in front of the people I’d disappointed the most.
“I’m sorry,” I said, forcing the words, and got up, tossed some money on the table and did what I do best.
Ran to hide.
I would just turn off my phone, not check my email and pretend the world didn’t exist.
That, at least, I was getting really good at.
Maybe Jen would bring soup and extra tissues to my room when I needed them.
I could always count on Jen.
CHAPTER 17
Jen sat at the table holding a small, white envelope, her hands shaking slightly.
“Hey,” I said, my mind suddenly off my troubles. Something was wrong.
She cleared her throat. “Yeah, hey.” She didn’t look up.
“Jen, what’s wrong?”
She laughed through her nose and looked at the ceiling. Her eyes were glistening. When I looked closer, I saw they were rimmed with red and she’d been blowing her nose.
I don’t think I had ever seen her cry.
“What’s that?” I asked, pointing to the envelope, which I noticed had my name on it.
