by Rachel Astor
“Thanks Mattie,” I said. “You have no idea how much it means to have at least one friend. It makes all the difference in the world.”
“Honey, you will never have to worry about that with me. Sure, I may be a prissy little drama queen once in a while, but I would never abandon you for good.”
“Thanks.”
“Okay,” Mattie said, clapping his hands together once. He’d never been one to wallow into the depths of too much emotion. “What do we do now to get your life back together?”
I looked around at my cleaned up apartment and suddenly everything didn’t seem as daunting as it had this morning. “Well, I have to get in touch with my agent for sure. There could be news with the book, plus we’re going to have to figure out what to do for the option book since the insider wedding guide is out.”
Mattie nodded. “Okay, so then… what can I do?”
I looked at my phone sitting on the corner of the coffee table.
“Well, you could give me a tally on what I owe you for all the deposits and stuff for your wedding stuff. I want pay you and my Mom as soon as possible.”
“Josie, you don’t have to worry about that right now.”
“No it’s fine. I got my advance check the other day, I can cover it all, no problem.”
“Okay, I’ll get it together in the next few days. Then do you want me to go through some of your messages? You must have about eight million of them.”
“Good idea. Just delete anything that’s from the press, I’m sure that’s what most of them are. God, I really need to get a new number.”
“Done.”
And with that we went to work. Me with my computer and Mattie with my phone.
But the thing was, I had no idea what to say to Carla. I mean, how unprofessional could a person be?
I just kept thinking about Jake and the diary and how stupid it was that I couldn’t have one without the other. The more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got. I mean, who did Jake think he was to tell me what to do with my life? Sure, it might get a little heated when some of the new stories came out and the press would probably ask him stupid questions about what it’s like to date a loser or whatever, but seriously, it’s not like he hadn’t been through it before.
Wasn’t I worth that much to him?
The stupid tears showed up again and I couldn’t help it. As if on their own, my hands opened up a new email message screen and just started typing.
Jake,
I just want to say that I am so sorry about the way things have turned out. It seems like such a little thing to end everything over.
I’ve wanted to be a published writer as far back as I can remember and the Disaster Diary is my way of doing that. Maybe my only way. These chances just don’t come up every day.
I’m sorry the stories hurt you so much. I know it must be embarrassing to be with someone who shows their whole self—especially the bad parts—to the world, but that’s just who I am. I’ve grown into someone who wears the everyday clumsiness and supreme awkwardness as sort of a badge of honor, and it’s because of the diary going public that I’m able to do that. The stories allow people to see me as a real person, which I thought you, of all people, might understand since you’re up on such a pedestal in so many people’s eyes. Maybe that’s the problem. You’ve got so much attention you just can’t handle any more. I can respect that.
But I am my own person. I can’t just be your wife with nothing of my own to be proud of.
Thanks for everything though.
Love always,
Josie
I hit send before I could give myself a chance to overthink it and chicken out. It was what it was. I said the things I couldn’t get straight in my head that day of the fight. I honestly didn’t expect anything from him, I just really wanted him to know that I wouldn’t have changed anything.
I was who I was and I didn’t think anyone or anything could change that.
Maybe the weirdest thing of all: the diary made me realize I didn’t want anyone or anything to change that.
Of course, it’s not like I wouldn’t change anything. I’d take back the drunken slip to Andrea about Jen in a heartbeat. It was the lowest of the low. Sure, I didn’t mean to let it slip out, but I should never have put myself in that situation in the first place.
I had to take full responsibility.
And so I snuck out to the bank—‘disguise’ still intact of course since I had to do this before I lost my nerve and didn’t stop to put makeup on—and I opened a new account with Jen’s name on it and I deposited the damned check I got from Andrea. I sent the deposit slip with a courier to Jen’s mom’s house with a quick note.
Jen,
You have no idea how sorry I am. Please know, and I realize this is no excuse, but please know that I never did it on purpose. I know it’s made a huge mess of your life, and there’s nothing I can do to make up for it.
I’ve put all the money into an account for the baby. I hope you can see past where the money came from and will accept it for his or her education or whatever you think is best. You probably want nothing to do with it, it probably feels like blood money or something, but I swear I never asked for it and I never wanted it. Maybe it could at least be put to good use down the road.
I love you and hope someday you’ll be able to forgive me. It breaks my heart to know I won’t be a part of your little one’s life.
Josie
I headed back to the apartment where Mattie continued to sort through my messages and I made a face, still not wanting to deal with them. “Ugh, just delete them all.”
“Um,” Mattie said, with his signature smirk. “There are a few I think you might be interested in.”
CHAPTER 19
“Oh God, I am so not interested in any other ‘offers’ from any more damned magazines,” I said.
He shook his head. “I’m not a moron. Do you not think I know anything about you by now?”
I sighed and flopped onto the couch. “I really don’t think I’m up for this right now.”
“Oh you are up for it,” he said, spinning my computer toward me.
“When did you grab my computer?” I asked.
He waved me off. “Focus Josie.”
My eyes widened. “And how did you get into my email?” I asked, shocked to see my account staring me back in the face.
He rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen you log into that email a million times. You really think I can’t pick out ‘bridesmaid lotto’ as you’re typing. Puh-lease. I mean really,” he said, shaking his head sadly, “you try to make it like it was all a big sacrifice for you to go in that lotto when all along you’ve used it for your password? Honestly, who do you think you’re kidding?”
My mouth dropped open and I made a little high-pitched sound. “Well…”
Mattie laughed a little at my reaction. “You’re not focusing,” he sing-songed.
Since I really had no argument to redeem myself, I decided to go for the silent approach and just read the damned email he so badly wanted me to see.
It was from Jen.
Josie,
Thank you for the money for the baby, but would it kill you to read your emails once in a while? I mean, I know you’re all down in the dumps and everything, but seriously, you are way behind. I tried to apologize days ago, but judging from the note that just showed up at my mother’s door, you didn’t read any of them. Ugh. And you cannot believe how much time I spent trying to get the words just right.
Anyway, please go back and read them, and I’ll see you tomorrow.
Jen
P.S. Did you seriously not realize that the movers never came to take my stuff away?
I glanced up at Mattie. He nodded at me. But it was a sarcastic kind of a nod, like I was the stupidest thing on the planet. God he had a way with saying a lot with such a tiny movement.
Not that I could really argue with the gesture.
“Have you read the rest of them?”
“Of course.”
I couldn’t decide if I should strangle him for going through my private emails or beg him to give me a summary of them. “Those are private.”
He looked at his nails haughtily. “Do you want the skinny or not?”
I slumped my head, defeated yet again. “Yes please,” I conceded.
“Okay,” he said, leaning forward anxiously, looking both ways, as if someone might overhear.
In my apartment.
I rolled my eyes.
“So there were about eight emails. Right away, like the day after she stormed out from what I can gather, she was already saying she was sorry.”
“What? Are you serious?”
He nodded.
“And I put myself through all that torture?”
“Yourself, and your hair,” he said, still nodding. “Honestly, it’s a miracle we got it back to almost normal.”
“Almost?” I asked.
“Anyway,” he said, sidestepping being called on one of his backhanded compliments again. “then there were a couple that were all like, ‘are you okay?’ and ‘why aren’t you answering…’ you know, the usual wondering if a person is dead or alive stuff.”
“Oh my God, why didn’t she just call?”
He tilted his head, looking me straight in the eyes. “Seriously?” He picked up my phone, holding it out in front of him. “Your voicemail reached capacity days ago. People have been calling.”
“Well yeah, but those are all the paparazzi, right?”
“Um, no. Your number is still secure. There wasn’t a single call from a reporter.”
“What?” I asked, not understanding. There had been so many calls I’d finally just turned off my ringer so I wouldn’t have to think about the damned reporters anymore. “But then who…?”
“Well me for one, thank you very much,” he said, giving me the ‘oh no you didn’t’ head cock to the side, “and Jen, and…”
“Wait a minute. If no one could get a hold of me for so long, why didn’t anyone bother coming over to see if I was even alive?”
“That one’s easy,” he said. “Your coffee addiction.”
“What the hell are you talking about Mattie?”
He snorted. “Well since you have to leave the house at least three times a day because God forbid you actually had to make yourself a cup, we all got to see you on a regular basis on the Internet gossip sites. We knew you were fine—I mean except for the unbelievable bad scarf, hat, sunglass cover-ups you thought you were staying hidden behind.” He started to chuckle then. “Good Lord, how could you think you were fooling anyone?”
“Oh,” was all I said, a little hurt at the insult. Okay, more like a little embarrassed that I thought I was being all sneaky and getting away with it. I had to give them props, those damned paparazzi people did have an eye for spotting people. It was just too bad those people usually wanted to remain unspotted.
“Oh don’t worry,” he said, reading my thoughts. “Believe me, it was a Godsend for us, the people who care about you.”
“Well, isn’t that nice for you,” I said.
“Okay, okay. I think maybe you’re missing the point here. The thing is, Jen’s not moving out. You know, if you’ll still have her.”
“Of course I’ll still have her, cripes, this place is a freakin’ graveyard without her.”
“Well that’s a lovely thought,” he said.
I smiled. “So… you said people were calling, does that mean just you and Jen, or….”
“Oh people have been calling all right. Your agent, your sister, your mother of course, good Lord half of them I swear were hers,” he said, with a slight edge of bitterness in his voice. Apparently he hadn’t yet fully gotten over the whole wedding planning thing.
I leaned forward until I was practically falling off the edge of my seat.
“And there were a few from a certain famous movie star,” he said, raising an eyebrow, smirking.
My breath caught and my heart started beating faster.
“If you’re messing with me I’m going to have a real graveyard in here,” I said.
Mattie rolled his eyes. “You really think you could take me?”
“In a heartbeat,” I said, inching even closer.
“Oh really,” he said, studying his nails again and somehow moving the phone even closer to him, further out of my reach. “And just how do you propose to do that?”
“Mess up your hair and pull out your pocket square. You’d be so flustered I wouldn’t even have to hurt you, you’d be all over yourself trying to put things back together.”
Mattie thought about this for a moment, and then I made a quick move toward his hair.
“Okay, okay,” he screamed, putting his hands up in surrender. “You got me, okay? Here, here, take it.” He shoved the phone toward me while fanning himself. “Geez, you don’t have to get so violent.”
I grinned and hit the voicemail button.
“Thirty-eight messages,” the computerized voice greeted me.
“Thirty-eight? Mattie, I thought you were going to weed them out for me.”
“I told you, there were no reporter messages. They’re all pretty much Jake and Jen and,” he cleared his throat and sighed. “Your mother.”
“Can’t you just tell me what they say?” My patience was wearing thinner by the second.
“If you promise not to threaten me again,” Mattie said, pouting a little.
“Yeah, yeah, I promise, geez. You’re such a baby when it comes to your hair.”
“And my pocket square,” he said, defensive.
I tilted my head, letting him know how very little I cared about his stupid pocket square at that moment.
“Okay, well, you already pretty much know all the Jen stuff. And the ones from your mother, well… they’re the usual. Her telling you how you’ve ruined your life yet again, blah, blah, blah.
“Of course,” I answered.
“But there was this one that was a bit different. I don’t know if she’d gotten into the wine or what, but she was like, crying and saying how sad she was for you and that she knew it wasn’t your fault and stuff. But then the next one was back to her usual self so she must have sobered up or something.”
“She was crying?”
“Yeah, it was so weird. Like seriously sobbing. She wanted you to have the same sort of happiness she’d found with your father so many years ago or whatever.”
“Happiness? I didn’t think they’d been happy a day in their lives? I mean, my Dad always seemed happy, but I figured that was in spite of my mother.”
“Amen to that,” Mattie said, and I gave him another look.
It was one thing for me to insult my mother, but another thing entirely for other people to do it. Particularly ones who recently had a feud with her. Well, sort of.
“Sorry,” he actually said, which nearly knocked me off my chair.
“Okay, so, what were the ones from Jake like?” I asked, pretending not to be as interested as I was, picking at an invisible hangnail.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mattie form a huge smirk. “Well, those ones were certainly the most interesting of them all.”
CHAPTER 20
“Mattie, come on, what did he say?”
“Relax, relax, I’m getting to it.” He cleared his throat dramatically.
Just then I noticed a new email pop up in my inbox. It was Jake.
I raised an eyebrow. “Hmm… perhaps I won’t have to wait for the drama queen after all. Maybe this will explain it.” I clicked on the message while Mattie sat there, his mouth open and ready for his big story, his eyes rather confused.
Now it was my turn to smirk.
Josie,
It’s obvious that you don’t want to talk to me and it’s not like I can blame you. Sixteen messages and forty emails are more than enough to tell me you’ve let me go. I can’t believe what a dumb ass I was. It’s so stupid, I didn’t understand why you were doing the whole book
thing, but now I think I do.
I just didn’t want to see you hurting again. That’s why I was against the book idea, not because I didn’t want you to work or have your own hopes and dreams. I would always support your hopes and dreams. It’s just that last time you went through the whole paparazzi thing, you have no idea how hard it was for all of us who love you to watch you suffer like that.
But I think I get it now.
The diary, and the whole paparazzi experience are part of what makes you who you are. And I should have figured that out. I mean, the paparazzi are part of my life too and when I really sit down and think about it, I suppose I wouldn’t have it any other way either. At least I know I still matter when they’re around. Of course it’s the same for you.
If I’m being completely honest, maybe I get a little jealous when the paparazzi focus on you instead of me.
I was just too dense to realize it at the time.
I don’t know what else to say, except that I am forever sorry that I ruined the best thing I ever had in my life, and I hope someday, we might be able to be friends again.
Love always,
Jake
The tears streamed to my eyes. There was nothing I could do to stop them.
Wave after wave oozed out like I had a river inside me.
And the most surprising thing of all? Mattie actually reached into his jacket and handed me his pocket square hanky, which, of course, just made me cry even harder. I mean, for Mattie to give up his pocket square was no small feat, especially considering it was one of the good paisley silk ones.
