by Rachel Astor
I fought the whole way through not to cry. Every time I thought I might start leaking like a faucet, one glance at Mattie set me straight. He’d shake his head ever so slightly and point to his eyes, reminding me I’d look like a ridiculous raccoon if even a hint of a tear escaped.
It went by in a blur and the only words I remember hearing for sure were ‘I do’ coming out of Jake’s mouth, to which I literally sighed with relief, not quite believing we’d ever get to that point for real.
My life still seemed like a dream. And that day was more of a fairy tale than any.
“You may kiss the bride,” the man said and Jake leaned in.
It was then that my heart started to beat faster again, realizing that I was kissing my husband for the first time. His lips were as warm and soft as ever as he pulled my head gently to his.
I heard Mattie gasp, no doubt worried about my hair, but in that moment I lost myself to Jake. I thought of all the times we’d kissed before and all the times that were still to come.
We finally parted and the crowd started cheering. One glimpse at my mother and I could tell the cheering was certainly not part of the planned event. It looked somewhat like she’d just stuck an atomic lemon candy in her mouth.
But she quickly recovered, straightening, and even getting in a tiny clap of her own.
Jake and I walked back down the aisle hand in hand, waving at the odd person in the crowd. I couldn’t have wiped the gigantic smile off my face if someone had told me it was a matter of life or death. At that moment, I would have died happy anyway.
Jake pulled my hand in close to his chest like he wasn’t ever going to let me go, and that was exactly the way I planned for it to be from now on.
“Picture time,” Mattie said, clapping his hands together. “And we gotta be quick, your guests are waiting.”
“Waiting? You’re seriously going to let all those people sit in there while we get pictures taken? Mattie, they’re going to start leaving.”
“No they won’t,” he said. “We’ve put out snacks and music. Okay, more importantly we’ve put out the booze. Plus we’re showing the new ten-minute preview of Jake’s new movie. They’re getting a sneak peek.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Nice work my friend,” I said, a little jealous that they got to see it before I did.
Although the whole fairytale wedding thing was doing wonders to calm my jealousy.
“Besides, the pictures are only going to take a few minutes.”
“A few minutes? God, they seemed to take hours for Emma’s wedding. Or maybe they just felt like hours since I was all itchy and rashy through half of them.”
“Oh they took a while,” Jake agreed.
Mattie shrugged. “I guess we’re just better organized. We’ve got them planned out to the second.”
And then a weird smile crossed his face as he turned away from us, like he knew something we didn’t, but it disappeared as quickly as it came and I was left wondering if I’d seen anything at all.
The room for the pictures was pretty amazing, and certainly higher tech than any photo studio I’d ever seen. Gadgets filled the room in front of a giant screen, which I was surprised was just a simple sky backdrop.
We pasted our smiles on as the photographer scuttled around us, moving my veil in almost imperceptible amounts until he decided it was just right. Of course, Jake was perfect just the way he was and needed no adjusting.
I kept imagining how plain the pictures were going to be until near the end I caught another glimpse of the backdrop. It had changed to a picture of a nighttime castle scene, complete with fireworks above.
Maybe the pictures wouldn’t be so boring after all. I couldn’t wait to see all the backgrounds the guy had.
Jake held my hand the whole time.
Except, of course, when Mattie grabbed my other arm to whisk me away from my groom.
CHAPTER 22
“Mattie! What are you doing?”
“Costume change, my dear.”
“Costume change? God Mattie, we’re not in a play.”
“Says you,” he said, smirking. “This is the biggest entertainment news story of the night… probably the week. Now are we going to have to cut that arm off?” he asked, motioning to Jake. “Or are you willing to come peacefully.”
Jake let go of my hand like it was on fire.
“That’s what I thought,” Mattie said, satisfied.
“You don’t have to be scared of him, you know,” I yelled, as I was dragged away, toppling off my heels the whole time. “Mattie, you’re going to wreck my shoes.”
He waved his hand. “It doesn’t matter, you’re done with them anyway.”
I couldn’t help but be a little sad at the thought of that. They were about the most gorgeous shoes I’d ever seen in my life: white fabric to match the dress with a huge, diamond buckle on the front of each one. I could only assume, since there was a tiny Harry Winston signature just below the designer’s name inside them, that they were not jewels of the crystal variety.
“Why can’t I just keep these clothes on? I don’t want to look like a regular person again yet.”
“Oh don’t worry honey,” Mattie said. “You won’t.” He raised his eyebrows twice for good measure letting me know there were still surprises in store.
Shocker, since I knew absolutely nothing about anything right about then.
You know, except that I was now Mrs. Jake Hall.
I actually let out a little squee, which made Mattie turn and look at me like I’d escaped from the loony bin, but I was so pumped up on happiness, that it so did not matter.
Back down the elevator we went, struggling with the dress all the way, and zipped down the hall to yet another room.
And there it was.
The gorgeous two-tone dress that I had tried on with Mattie.
“But… how….?” The words would not come. Honestly, the thoughts really wouldn’t come either. “But… Mom won out in the planner negotiations right?” I mean, no one had ever confirmed it or anything, but considering what had just gone down over the past few hours, there really had been little doubt.
Until now.
“Let’s just say we both won,” Mattie said with a wink.
“But how…?”
Mattie smiled. “Trust me, you’re going to love it.”
He turned me around and got to work on taking my hair down. Somehow the hair team had worked a wedding miracle and all the curls they had given me were still intact inside my up-do, each cascading down my back as Mattie released the pins one by one. The result was a mass of perfect curls surrounding my face in an angelic halo. It was like some sort of crazy hair magic. No wonder it had taken so long.
They went to work on my makeup and within minutes I looked like a completely different person, though, if I did say so myself, it was pretty spectacular again. I looked much edgier and sexier this time around, with the unconventional dress and wild hair. My makeup was darker than before, my lips a deep plum, with a quirky, tiny top hat pinned jauntily atop my curls.
“Now that’s the bride I’ve been waiting for,” Mattie said, eyeing me up and down. “You look magnificent.”
I couldn’t help but beam. “So you got your way too?”
He shrugged. “Was there ever any doubt?”
“Um… yes.”
He rolled his eyes. “Puh-lease, for you, your mother and I would do anything. Even if it means working together.”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe you didn’t kill each other.”
“She had some surprisingly good ideas actually,” he admitted. “Those topiaries up there are to die for. And she was such a sweetheart to come around to my color scheme.”
“It’s perfect.”
Are you ready for the second…” he cleared his throat, “…and may I say more exciting act?”
I giggled, hardly able to imagine what sort of a circus Mattie had dreamed up. I could only hope my mother had kept a little control of the reigns
while he was working his magic.
We headed to the elevator again where the second dress was just as difficult to maneuver, and all I could think of was how I was so lucky to have not one, but two dream wedding gowns, picked by not one, but two wedding planners, not to mention they were two of the closest people in my life.
And I had just married a friggin’ movie star!
No one on Earth could be more blessed.
The elevator dinged and I was led back to the same door where the ceremony part of the evening took place. I held my breath while the doors were flung open to reveal…
…the exact same room where I had gotten married, only this time it was empty.
I mean, it was beautiful and all, but I’d expected something a little more… unexpected.
There was one thing I was ecstatic over though. Jake was standing at the altar again waiting anxiously for me. Seriously, he was looking rather jittery up there for someone who had already gotten the hard part over with. Then I realized what the problem might be. Mattie had apparently also picked out a new suit for Jake. And it was a tad bit tighter in the pants than the last one had been. I had a feeling he may have been trying to readjust some things before we all walked in.
I tried my best not to giggle as he turned to discover us all there.
“Oh, hi,” he said, a sheepish smile crossing his face.
“Hi,” I beamed and quickened my pace to get to him. “You look hot,” I said, then felt a little stupid for being so blunt.
“So do you,” he said, taking my hand and giving me the once over, lingering slightly longer than necessary at my chest.
Not that I blamed him. Whatever the heck the bustier was doing under there, it was certainly working overtime.
“Ready?” Mattie asked, his hand poised at his earpiece.
I looked at Jake and he mouthed, ‘I love you.’
“I love you too,” I said aloud. “And now, I think I’m ready for anything.” I beamed and gave Mattie the go-ahead nod.
I had no idea what was supposed to happen. All sorts of scenarios flew through my mind: we’d sink into the floor and fall into our wedding reception; our shoes would turn into rockets and fling us into another room; or maybe the aisle would start to move, conveyor style and we’d end up having some sort of carnival ride entrance.
Of course none of that happened, but it was still pretty spectacular anyway.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” a voice came over a loudspeaker. “It is my great pleasure to introduce to the world for the first time….”
I had visions of the fight announcer guy who yells ‘let’s get ready to rumble’ running through my head as an invisible crowd started to cheer.
“… Mr. and Mrs. Jake and Josie Hall!”
Several things happened simultaneously:
I began to freak out with delight at the fact I was now Mrs. Josie Hall;
Music filled the space;
The crowd amped up their cheering;
And the altar wall in front of us began to slide open, exposing all of our friends and family surrounded by the most spectacular scene ever.
The ceiling was draped in shimmering fabric in the same colors as my dress, which cascaded down the walls. Flowers were everywhere, but this time it wasn’t just roses, but lilies, daisies, peonies, and orchids filled every table and any other space you could put flowers. Candlelight flickered from every surface, and additional lighting on the walls lit up the room perfectly so that it wasn’t too bright, but certainly not too dark either.
A breeze somehow flowed through the room making the fabric look as though it was breathing with life. Most spectacularly of all was an old-fashioned-looking hot air balloon over in the corner where people were getting their pictures taken.
The waiters were in top hats and the waitresses in old-fashioned Victorian gowns made modern with a little altering and shortening. Booths were set along the walls with party games for the guests to play and when the curtains parted onstage, the band was dressed similarly, playing a funky blend of old-time jazzy tunes, mixed with a modern beat. It was like nothing I’d ever heard before and more amazing than I could have ever imagined.
The crazy theme that Mattie had eventually cooked up was quite literally a carnival.
“This is unbelievable,” Jake said.
Mattie had done the impossible. He’d made everything so grand and magical that I’d completely forgotten my groom was standing there with me. “I know,” I whispered, still taking everything in.
The cake table was more like an artistic display of desserts with both a traditionally decorated white cake in the middle, as well as hundreds of cupcakes covered in various shimmering metallic colors of sparkling decorator sugar, each with a white fondant heart in the middle.
Jake led me through the center of the room, leading me to the dance floor.
“And now for the bride and groom’s first dance,” the rich, soothing voice came over the speaker again.
The band began to play ‘Unforgettable.’ A choice I figured was my mother’s all the way, especially after I caught a glimpse of her as Jake twirled me. Her eyes were glossy and she dabbed at them with a fancy handkerchief.
The next song was much more upbeat and got everybody dancing. I glanced over and saw Jen and Dave, still slow dancing, even though it was a faster song, Dave gently placing a hand on Jen’s stomach, seemingly in awe. I had no idea if things were going to work out with those two, but in that moment, I had never seen her look happier.
Mom and Dad came up to us, Dad shaking Jake’s hand formally, the way Dads do to their new sons-in-law, and hugged me in the tightest bear hug he’d ever given me. Which was saying something.
Mom gave us both a kiss on the cheek, still dabbing her eyes. “I can’t believe everything worked out so well. It was quite a risk.”
“Thanks so much for everything,” I said. “It couldn’t be more perfect.”
“I’m beginning to understand now why you were having so much trouble choosing. Who’d want to give any of this up?” She motioned around the room.
“Thanks for meeting Mattie halfway.”
She nodded. “Anything for you Josephine. I love you dear.” She kissed me again on the cheek and her and Dad headed toward the cake, no doubt Mom explaining the entire ordeal to Dad in minute detail. I couldn’t help but notice they were holding hands. It had been years since I’d seen them do that.
“So what do you think, gorgeous?” Mattie came shuffling up in his shimmery striped suit.
I had no idea when he’d had a chance to change.
“It’s amazing Mattie, seriously amazing.” I leaned in to hug him.
“Thanks man, it’s awesome,” Jake said, holding out his hand, and if I wasn’t mistaken, I swear, Mattie may have even gotten a teensy bit star struck.
He cleared his throat. “Okay, so you guys have a few more pictures, I mean, who wouldn’t want to capture all this,” he said, giving us a little grin. “And then the rest of the night is all for yourselves.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Jake said.
“Thanks Mattie, I love you,” I said, leaning in and giving him a big, dark red smear on the cheek from my kiss.
Which he might have even appreciated if he hadn’t been having heart palpitations over me messing up my makeup right before pictures. He frantically motioned to someone on the sidelines of the event, miming that lipstick was needed immediately.
After the crisis was averted, the lipstick reapplied, Jake and I posed in front of a few backdrops around the room, the cakes, some of the flowers, and my favorite, the hot air balloon. We had to climb up a bunch of stairs to get inside, but once there, the view was so worth it, even considering the shoes I was wearing, and the grated stairway.
Jake lifted me so I could sit on the edge of the bucket, and kept a firm hold on me the whole time. I’d never felt safer in all my life.
The photographer got his assistant up on a ladder to fluff my dress out just right and then the final s
hots were taken.
I looked out over the crowd of all the people I loved. All the people Jake loved.
I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face, watching the dancing, the band, the moment of perfection.
A flash jolted me out of my mini-daydream and the photographer gave me a knowing smile, letting me know he’d captured my happiness forever. This was what life was all about; these tiny moments of amazing, and if we were lucky, like that day, some of those moments would be captured forever on film… heck, maybe even on the cover of a magazine for some of us.
I sucked a huge gulp of air, breathing it all in, and as I blew it out slowly, letting the contentment wash over me, Jake turned my head and kissed me as more flashes went off around us.
EPILOGUE
Jake and I lived happily ever after… at least as far as I know at the moment.
My wedding gift from my groom? A gorgeous, pink leather-bound blank journal with a personalized title on the front: Diary of Amazing. I’ve already had the best time filling a few of its pages. I’ve also already penciled in a subtitle: and maybe a teensy bit un-amazing.
I mean seriously, let’s get real… this is McMaster the Disaster we’re talking about.
Sure, Jake’s still off gallivanting around the world making movies and doing interviews, press junkets, and even the odd product endorsement. But now I go with him. When I want to. Most often I just fly out to location on the weekends to get some quality time in and then fly back to do my own thing.
What about McMaster land? Well, The Disaster Diary has spent the last four weeks at number one on the non-fiction bestseller lists and I’ve been doing my own little press circuit. Just last week I had Ellen cracking up. Ellen! God, I remember the first time I saw her stand up and nearly wet myself, and now I was bringing tears of laughter to her eyes!
Jen and the baby are doing amazing. Her little boy Ethan is about the cutest thing I have ever seen. And the best part? They moved in next door! Sure, the mortgage is a little higher than the rent at our crappy old apartment… by about six times, but she finally gave in—just a little—and let Dave co-sign the mortgage… just for the baby. She’s still totally self-sufficient and even started her own publicity business—who knew she’d been taking correspondence classes all this time. Her first client? Me of course. She set up the entire book tour and was the one who got me on Ellen. She has quite a knack for it already. People are knocking down her door to find the kind of success she’s had with Josie McMaster.
