by Addison Jane
“What did you think?” I asked, my voice cracking as I waited, holding my breath, expecting the worst but hoping and praying for an answer that would pick up our shattered relationship and start to mend it.
He cleared his throat, finally looking me in the eye. “You looked beautiful…” My stomach twisted, my throat burned with tears. “Everyone loved you.”
“I’m good, Dad,” I told him, feeling more empowered. Bolder. “At least I could be. It will take time, and I’ll have to get accepted into school, but this is what I love, it’s what I want.” The excitement in my voice was unmistakable.
He nodded. “I just don’t want you to settle.”
And there it was.
Yes, Emerson, your dancing is amazing, but it’s not worth your time. You’re not living up to your potential. Dancing isn’t going to make you lots of money. Dancing isn’t going to give you a reliable future.
Just when I thought maybe I was getting through to him. When I thought maybe he could see through dollar signs and business deals, and his own stupid fucking ideas on what life should be.
My father walked away from his family so he could be his own person, and not live within their shadow which was hanging over him. He had a dream, aspirations, and things that he desperately wanted to achieve. I admired him for that, for being able to say that enough is enough and that he wanted to follow a different path, even though it meant walking away from the people who loved him.
“Have you forgotten what it’s like to have a dream and fight for it?” I asked, a slight curiosity in my voice. “Do you not remember what it was like to give up everything, including your family, because you knew they would only drag you down?” My voice rose higher and higher, my anger beginning to spike.
His fists clenched by his side. “I love you,” he replied, taking me by surprise. “We may not agree on everything, or anything for that matter.” He swiped his fingers through his hair. “But I love you. I may not be able to stand up and holler from the rooftops that I approve of what you’re doing…” his eyes quickly flicked to the side, and I knew that Angelo was standing there silently, watching on, “… or who you are with… but I love you.” He rubbed at his face, which was unusually covered with bristles, a strange look for a man who I knew would usually shave every single day, never willing to look anything but pristine. “And you’re right, I lost everything when I decided to follow my heart and my goals. I was cut from my family, disgraced, and wiped out,” he told me. I could hear the pain in his voice. “And I never want you to feel that way.”
“Then why can’t you support and love me for who I am, instead of who you want me to be?” I asked, my voice cracking as I pleaded with him to just accept me, love me, and be there for me when I needed him.
“I’ve just lost one daughter, and now the other is realizing that she doesn’t need me anymore. That she’s paving her own way after I’d spent so many years thinking that she needed me to do that for her.” Tears pricked at my eyes and I wrapped my arms around my body to try and hold myself together. “These are things I can’t just comprehend overnight. I need time to come to terms with the fact that one is gone, and the other just doesn’t need me.”
He needed time.
He wasn’t walking away.
He wasn’t disowning me.
While it wasn’t the reaction that I wished he’d had, I was thankful that maybe someday he would be able to come and see me dance, and tell me how proud he was of my achievements. Maybe one day he would stand in the crowd and say, “Hey, that’s my daughter, and she’s fucking amazing.”
It wouldn’t be today.
But he wasn’t giving up on me.
I ran forward, and he opened his arms for me. I laid my head against his chest, and he pulled me in tightly, like a cocoon.
“Se la feriti, ti ucciderò.” My father’s body rumbled deeply with his words. I knew they weren’t meant for me, though.
“Noted,” Angelo replied, walking up behind me.
My father brushed his lips against my hair and squeezed me a little tighter before he pulled back. “Go back inside and see all those people who watched you in admiration and awe tonight,” he told me, cupping my face with his hand. “You know, I think you and Sophie may have been more alike than I first realized… you both look beautiful standing in a spotlight.”
I couldn’t help but smile even as tears dripped down my cheeks.
A strong arm came around my waist from behind and I leaned back, feeling Angelo’s supportive embrace, as though he knew it was what I needed in that moment.
My father nodded and took that moment to walk away, offering me a genuine smile before he did.
We watched him go until the darkness swallowed him up.
“How do you feel?” Angelo asked, allowing me to slip from his arms and take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the fresh night air. Like this would be the last one I would take, and then tomorrow would be a new start, a new day, a new life—with one less thing on my shoulders weighing me down.
“I feel free,” I answered honestly. “Like from here on out, there’s nothing that could stop me.”
I looked out the window, recognizing where we were. My eyes flicked over to where Angelo sat in the back seat with me, watching me carefully, gauging my reaction.
“Why are we here?” I asked, trying to ignore the way my stomach was flip flopping and twisting unnaturally, making me feel like I wanted to vomit.
It was going to be him cleaning this damn car if that happened.
“There’s something that I felt we needed to do,” he said, cryptically as always, before grabbing a backpack from the floor and climbing out, leaving me sitting there in silence. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get out and face this all over again.
I felt like I was in a place where I’d finally made peace with Sophie’s death. She wasn’t coming back. Ever. No matter how much I wished she would, or how much I wanted her standing here with me as I took this new step in my life, one I could have never have taken without her standing beside me and pushing me forward for so many years.
I took in a shaky breath, holding it in my lungs as I reached for the door handle and pulled it open. When I finally took in another breath, I inhaled air that smelled like freshly mown grass, and flowers. It wasn’t surprising as I stared out over the beautifully manicured landscape that was scattered with proud standing headstones. Each was decorated with different embellishments—flowers, trinkets, toys, and other personalized objects that made each gravestone feel more like a person than just a thick concrete stone that marked a life.
I liked that.
“Come on,” Angelo urged, holding out his hand to me, waiting for me to place my trust in him and allow him to lead me to a place where I might just break down. Although, the idea of that happening didn’t seem so scary, knowing he would be right there beside me, remembering the way he had rescued me the last time I was here.
I placed a shaking hand in his, and he tugged me along beside him, hooking the backpack over his opposite shoulder as he led us down the pathway toward Sophie’s grave site. I’d come to notice that Angelo wasn’t one for things like public displays of affection. The times we ventured out in public together, he kept close, but also kept his hands and body to himself, except for small subtle touches here and there.
He was a gentleman, I had to give him that much.
I didn’t really mind, because when we were in private, he wasn’t afraid to show me the other side of him that craved to hold me, to kiss me and to claim me as his own.
I got it.
Angelo was a private man, and that wasn’t something I was about to try and change about him. It was who he was, and who he was, was the man that I found myself caring deeply for and falling in love with.
We finally veered off the path and onto the grass, I could see Sophie’s headstone up ahead, sparkling in the sunlight, while the others around her almost seemed dull. That was Sophie though, never one to let anyone outshine her.
Her personality was bold and loud, she threw out there who she was and never made apologies for that.
We stopped right in front of her stone.
It was surrounded and covered with flowers and small objects, even some letters. Curious, I crouched down, dipping my head so I could read one.
“Sophie,” I read out loud. “I’ll never get to tell you how much you changed my life. Your beautiful personality was second to none, and I felt like you heard me when everyone else seemed to have blocked me out.”
My heart clenched as I looked at another.
“Dear Sophie, I chased my dreams because of you. I have my own jewelry business now. It’s small, but it’s growing every day. Thank you for telling me to never give up.”
“Sounds like you weren’t the only one who she stood behind and pushed to do what they loved,” Angelo said behind me.
I felt tears drip onto my cheeks, but I couldn’t help but grin. Of course, Sophie pushed these people to do things they never thought were possible. She was just that kind of person, someone who believed in the aspirations of others and wanted everyone to succeed.
An object was placed beside me, and I looked down, seeing a small ceramic pot.
Confused, I looked over my shoulder at where Angelo stood, zipping the backpack back up and pulling it over his shoulder.
“What is this?”
“It’s Andre,” he answered, and even though his voice was hard and his answer simple, I could hear the emotion behind it.
We’d both struggled in different ways with the choice that Angelo had made that night. I could tell that it wasn’t as easy of a decision as he’d tried to make out it was. He still occasionally got one of the boy’s names wrong and called them Andre, and he was working double time to do the jobs that he’d only ever trusted Andre to get done, instead of giving them to one of the other boys.
I knew he didn’t regret his decision. Sometimes we have to do things that hurt us in order to protect those we care about. It’s selfless, it’s love.
“I still don’t get it,” I told Angelo as he stood there, staring at me like he expected me to know what he wanted me to do.
He rolled his eyes. “I know you believed that he’d suffered enough. That losing Sophie and having to live with the fact that he was responsible for her death, was punishment enough for what he’d done,” he explained. “While I had to do what I did, I thought maybe this would help them find each other in the afterlife, or whatever.” He looked away, and it brought a smile to my face. Angelo wasn’t exactly a romantic, or a man filled with sympathy and empathy for people who had been hurt. Yet, here he was, making sentiments about my sister and the man she loved finding peace together somehow.
I pushed to my feet, placing my hands on his waist and tiptoeing up to kiss him. The kiss was soft, gentle, full of understanding and thanks. His beard brushed my cheeks and lips, and I enjoyed the beautiful moment I had there with him.
Angelo and I both took turns, scattering Andre’s ashes around Sophie’s headstone. When we were done, I couldn’t help but hope that if their spirits did find each other somewhere, that she would forgive him for what he’d done and just allow herself to be happy.
Because if I knew my sister, she was going to give him hell before she’d let him back in.
And I hoped he gave it right back.
“You’re vibrating,” Angelo said, drawing me out of my trance. I looked over my shoulder at him with a frown.
“Excuse me?”
He chuckled, sticking his hand in my jean’s pocket and pulling out my cell phone which was continuing to vibrate in his hand. “You’re vibrating,” he repeated, shaking his head with a smile.
I snatched it out of his hand. “Smart ass.”
The best part about Angelo and me finding each other, he never gave up pushing and challenging me. I swear we argued at least ten times a day, and he still talked to me in cryptic riddles that I often didn’t understand, but that was just a part of who we were, and I fucking loved that it never changed.
I might want to kill his ass some days, but for the most part, I liked that he still continued to push me to do better and think differently.
“Hello?” I answered as I put my phone to my ear.
“Hi… Emerson?”
“This is her,” I replied with a deep frown, looking to Angelo who just shrugged.
“Great! My name is Kali, I’m part of the administration at the Boston Conservatory Dance Academy.”
My stomach flipped, and I braced my hand against Angelo’s arm to steady myself.
“I’m calling to let you know that one of our teachers saw you dance in a show at Jacksonville University, and wanted me to let you know that we are willing to offer you a full-time position with us.”
I gasped, my heart pounding against my chest. I looked up at Angelo with a bright smile and tears in my eyes. “Oh my God… Wow! I can’t… I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
Kali giggled softly. “I’m so glad you’re excited. We will need you to come in to sign enrollment papers and meet with your teachers before the semester starts in a couple of months, but other than that… congratulations and welcome!”
I couldn’t help but laugh, this phone call seeming too unreal to be true. I looked down at Sophie’s headstone with Andre’s ashes scattered around it, surrounding her in love.
I knew she was watching over me, maybe he was too, maybe this was his idea of redemption for what he’d done.
A sudden thought sparked in my head. “Will there be someone I can talk to about how much classes will cost, and whether I can apply for loans to pay for it?” I asked carefully.
I knew Angelo would offer in a hot second to pay for everything if it was what I wanted, but it wasn’t.
“Actually there’s a note on your file that says your expenses will be paid in full in the event that you are accepted here,” she replied over the sound of shuffling papers. “A Mr. Nicholas Rossi rang a few weeks ago and made sure that this was added to your application. Would that be your dad?”
My throat closed up, and my head hung down.
He’d come through.
We hadn’t spoken since the Fall Spectacular, but I’d talked to my mom, and she said that he was busy trying to rebuild his company name now that the world knew about where he came from.
“Yes,” I whispered. “That’s my dad. Thank you so much. I’ll get in touch soon to come in and sign the papers.”
“Great! See you soon, Emerson,” she said, far too happily before she hung up.
I squeezed my phone in my hand and lifted my head to look at Angelo. “He’s paying for my dance tuition.”
A rare smile appeared on Angelo’s lips, and I threw myself at him. He caught me mid-air and twirled me around before stopping and drawing my mouth to his. The kiss was passionate, but soft and sweet, and I pulled back laughing.
My whole world had changed in a matter of months.
How do you lose someone who means more to you than the world, and somehow come out at the end even stronger than you were before?
You fight, and you breathe, and you love.
Somehow, I managed to find Angelo in the darkness, but more importantly, it was there that I found myself.
I watched as he wrapped his arms around her from behind, the both of them smiling as they basked in the sunlight. My lip turned up in a sneer as I watched them sway back in forth, Emerson speaking quietly to her sister’s headstone as if Sophie was right there listening to her.
I hated seeing that smile on her face, despised the fact that while I was still struggling to step foot outside my front door, Emerson had somehow managed to forget the destruction that night caused.
Maybe she was stronger than I was?
I could hear his footsteps pounding against the ground behind me, my heart racing as I ducked and dodged through the thick brush and forest.
No, she wasn’t stronger. I was strong. I’d made it through this once, I could fight back th
e darkness again.
My gut clenched even as I thought those words because they just weren’t true.
It had taken everything I had within me to recover the first time. This time, I just wasn’t so sure it would be as easy. I was already finding it hard to get out of bed every day, struggling to blank out the memories that I wished weren’t mine.
“I love you, princess,” he soothed as I lay on the floor sobbing. “I’m the only one who does.”
Emerson had been one of my best friends. She and Leah, whether they knew it or not, had really helped me to settle back into normal life and become a normal girl again. Well, as normal as I could be. I knew I could be a little outspoken and a tiny bit crazy, but it had become like a defense mechanism.
They wouldn’t come after me if they thought I would fight back.
I had to be feisty. I had to show them all that I was strong, and not the shy little girl that I once was. The little girl who couldn’t fight back.
“You’re so pretty, Ava,” he whispered as he brushed his knuckles against my cheek. I pulled my knees closer to my chest, trying to fold my body in on itself and hoping that if I could just make myself smaller, maybe I could disappear altogether.
My anger began to rise as I watched Angelo dip his head and kiss Emerson tenderly on the lips. My fingers gripped tighter to the cold metal gun in my hand.
I wanted to make the DePalma family pay. They had put me in this position, a place where I couldn’t escape my own thoughts. They think they are so powerful, that nothing can hurt them, yet they don’t care about the little people that get pulled down in the aftermath of their destructive ways.
What about me?
I was collateral damage.
Yet, Emerson was a part of the family so they would do everything and anything possible to make sure that she came out of this on the other side, with a smile on her face and a man beside her who would kill anything and anyone that looked at her sideways.
I was there too.
I watched Sophie—tortured, raped, and destroyed.
