by TJ Klune
He takes his time on the drive back to Seafare. He rehearses what he will say. He tests all of my reactions. He comes up with different rebuttals. He’s happy. He’s sad. He feels bad for Jonah and even calls him on the third day after he’d left. He gets voice mail but that’s okay. He leaves a message but does not say, “I love you” at the end. Otter leaves California and crosses into Oregon and doesn’t know if he’ll ever go back.
SO THAT’S what happened. I came back, and you know the rest. I saw you were doing fine. Actually, you were doing better than fine; you were doing amazing. You didn’t need me here, and I never really got to apologize the way I wanted to. I am sorry I left you, Bear. I am sorry that you’ve had to endure the last three years when I could have been here to make it easier. I’m sorry about a lot of things. I don’t know what it is we’re doing right now, and I don’t know if it will even last, but I don’t want to go anywhere again unless you’re with me. I didn’t think I still felt like that. But you want to know the moment I realized it all over again? When I looked at you and felt like the fight for you was all I’ve ever known?
It was when you threw my letter back at me. You took out your wallet and you threw that damn letter at my face. I told myself it was stupid to think like that, that maybe you kept it as a reminder of how much I had hurt you. But part of me couldn’t help but… hope. Even if nothing ever comes of this, I want you in my life. Anywhere you go, I want to be there. I’ve missed you, Papa Bear. God, how I’ve missed you. I don’t want to miss you ever again.
He strokes my hair. His heart beats in my ear. I rise and fall on his chest with every breath he takes. I sit up and stare deep into the gold-green of his eyes. He’s the first to break away. He looks down at his hands. I reach out and lift up his head. I wipe away a tear. He leans into my hand and kisses my palm. I think this is a dream. I’ve fallen asleep while he was speaking and this is a dream.
The fight for you was all I’ve ever known, he said to me. This is a dream. This is a dream.
I bring my other hand up and cup his face in my hands. He closes his eyes.
Can you do this? the voice asks. Can you handle all of this?
“Otter,” I say gently. “Look at me.”
He does.
I kiss him.
God help me.
7.
Where Bear
Keeps Secrets
OKAY, so we all saw that coming.
It doesn’t mean it makes it any easier.
I WAKE to the sound of a phone going off somewhere near my ear. My mind is blurry and the bed is warm, and I want nothing more than for that fucking phone to shut the hell up so I can curl back under my covers and fall right back asleep. But it doesn’t. It continues to play some song I’ve never heard before. When did I put that song on my phone? I reach out from underneath the covers blindly and finally find the offensive object and open it and put it against my ear.
“This better be good,” I growl.
“Bear?” a voice says, sounding surprised.
“Yeah, what. Who is this?”
“It’s Creed.”
I stretch my legs and feel something against me but don’t open my eyes. It’s too nice keeping them closed. “Creed, why the fuck are you calling me so early?” I groan.
He sounds strange. “Uh, dude, I didn’t. I called Otter. Why are you answering his phone?” he asks, and a hand falls gently on my side.
My eyes flash open, sleep the furthest thing from my mind.
“Bear?” I hear a tinny voice say in my ear. “Dude?”
I look over at the other side of the bed. My movement has knocked the covers back and Otter lays sprawled out beside me. He lies on his stomach, his head turned to the side, facing me. His eyes are closed, and he hasn’t a care in the goddamn world. His hand is still on my thigh, hot and hard through the fabric of the clothes I wear. His clothes. I can’t help but stare at him, strong and tall and tan and… and….
“Bear?”
“Uh… yeah?” I say hoarsely, trying to keep my voice down.
“What are you doing?” Creed demands. “Why do you have Otter’s phone?”
Oh, Bear! it laughs. I can’t wait to see you work your way out of this one! Just what are you going to say to him? That his big brother bared his HEART and SOUL to you? That when he was done, you had never been more fucking aroused in your entire life? That even though you were scared of what it meant, that you thought once or twice that his admitted obsession will tear you apart piece by piece, that even beyond all that, you couldn’t help but groan when you felt his BIG, STRONG ARMS wrap around you, and he started to SUCK on your TONGUE….
“I… I was here because… Otter wanted to make breakfast for Ty,” I finally choke out. It sounds lame even to me.
“It’s really early,” Creed says. “Otter never wakes up before ten unless he has to.”
Goddammit, Creed! I curse. Just shut the hell up and believe everything I’m saying! I’m panicking now. I want to kick Otter awake and make him help me. I want to hang up the phone and grab Ty and get the hell out of there. I want to leave him with Mrs. Paquinn and go to Anna’s house and beg her to take me back. I want to fuck her senseless so I can stop feeling my cock growing hard at his touch. I want Otter to run back to San Diego and go back to the stupid fucking boyfriend, who I’ve never met but cannot stand. I want to ask Anna to marry me, and then we’ll get a house and have babies and grow old together, and I’ll never have to remember any of this, and if I do, I’ll look back on it with fond disdain, knowing it was just a phase.
Uh-oh! the voice cackles gleefully. Trouble in paradise already? And things were going so WELL! But hey! Keep lying to yourself like that, Papa Bear! We both know you want nothing more than to crawl back under the covers and press your body against his and forget the way the world really works. But you just keep on thinking of marriage and kids and a future that will never be. What’s the point of life if you never second-guess EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE?
“I guess he wanted to get an early start,” I say weakly.
Creed laughs in my ear. “Does that mean you’ve got him to stop moping?”
You could say something like that….
“Uh, sure,” I grunt. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry anymore.”
“That’s my boy!” he howls into the phone. “I don’t know what you did, but thank God you did something. I don’t feel so bad about not coming home when I said I was.”
“What?” I say half-listening. I am trying to slide my leg out from underneath Otter’s hand without waking him. It doesn’t work too well, as he curls his arm around my whole leg and hugs it gently to his chest.
“I’m going to stay up here for a few more days,” Creed says, completely oblivious to the fact that his best friend is partially stuck underneath his older brother. “Another friend of mine came up, so I won’t be back until Friday. I just wanted to check in and make sure that things were cool. Sounds like you’ve got everything under control.”
“Yep,” I say, resigned. “Everything’s cool here.”
“Good,” he says with a laugh. “So I’ll see you when I get back, okay? Tell Otter when I’ll be home so I don’t walk in on him fucking some guy on the floor in the living room.”
My face grows hot. I try to picture something like that, knowing it’s probably not the best time to be doing so. We had made out last night to the point where I started to wonder what would happen if I took off Otter’s shirt, but I had stopped myself. Otter had respected this and seemed content to just be near me. I haven’t really thought through the… mechanics… of what the next possible steps could be. Images flash through my head, and my mouth grows dry.
“Sure,” I say, trying to brush a naked Otter out of my thoughts. “I’ll let him know.”
“Thanks, dude.” I’m about to hang up, when he excitedly says my name.
“What?” I say, annoyed.
“Make sure that you get Mrs. Paquinn to be able to watch the Kid the
last Saturday in August. We are going to throw a motherfucking party like Seafare’s never seen before I leave. I got some people coming into town, and I figure it could be like a last hurrah before I have to go back and be an adult.”
“That sounds… nice,” I say.
“You sure you’re okay? You sound weird.”
“Me?” I squeak. “Oh, I’m just great. No worries here.”
“If you say so. Be cool, Papa Bear.” And he disconnects.
I sigh and hang up the phone, and Otter bursts out laughing. It startles me for a moment because I thought he was still asleep. He lets go of my leg and rolls over onto his back, clutching his stomach and bellowing out laughter. I glare at him and cross my arms. “What’s so fucking funny?” I scowl.
“‘Everything’s cool h-here?’” he sputters, mocking me. “You s-sounded like you were going to throw up through t-the whole phone call!”
My eyes narrow. “You were awake for the entire conversation?”
He nods, wiping his eyes.
I kick him on the leg. “Why the hell didn’t you help me?” I shout.
I raise my leg to kick him again, but he’s too fast for me. As soon as my foot shoots out, he rolls over nimbly onto it and squashes it into the bed. I’m pissed, so I raise my hands to beat him off me, but he reaches up and grabs both my arms with one big paw and pulls me down onto the bed. He pushes my arms to the sides and pins them with his knees and straddles my stomach. It happens so quickly that I have no time to react. He smiles down at me wickedly, his intent naked on his face. I glare up at him, a sneer twisted on my lips. He cocks his head to the side.
“Everything cool here, Bear?” he says through his grin.
“Get the fuck off me, Otter!” I say, trying to twist and wiggle out from underneath him. It’s no use. He’s too big, and the grinding of our hips isn’t exactly supporting my cause, either.
“Good morning to you too,” he says, arching his eyebrow. He leans forward until his face is a few inches from mine. I don’t move, not wanting to be the one who shows weakness here. I won’t lose this game. His nose touches mine, and it distracts me from what he’s really doing, and when his hand comes up and he starts tickling me, my eyes bulge and I start squealing like a girl. My mind goes blank, and I try to break free, and I scream at him shrilly, to no avail. His face is still down near mine, and I do the only thing I can: I reach up and grab his bottom lip with my teeth and pull none too gently. He immediately stops tickling me and doesn’t move. I jerk my head lightly to the side, threateningly.
“You gonna stop?” I say through a mouthful of Otter.
“Depends on what you’re going to do next,” he says and presses his face against mine, taking my mouth in his. I kiss him back even as the alarms go off in my head. I grimace slightly as we both taste like we gargled dead animals, but he sticks his tongue in my mouth, and my hands go to his back and rub the landscape there through the shirt. He lays down flat against me, and I can feel him pressing against my leg, and I find the place where his shirt has lifted up from his ass and my hand touches bare skin and my brain shorts out again as I slide a tentative fingertip underneath the waistband of his shorts….
“Bear?” a little voice calls from the other side of the closed door.
My hand freezes. My eyes open wide, and Otter quickly rolls off me to the side. He pulls the covers up around his waist, but not before I can see his dick outlined through his shorts, hard and bulging against the fabric. I look down at myself and see the same, and so does he, and he has a brief moment to stare hungrily at me before the door opens and the Kid makes his entrance. I bring the comforter up around my lap before he sees too much.
“What’s up, Ty?” I say, my voice coming out deep and rough.
Ty jumps up onto the bed and sits on the end of it. “Were you guys fighting again?” he asks us accusingly. “Bear, you woke me up because you were screaming.”
I blush and avert my eyes. “Er, no,” I stammer, scooting as far away from Otter as I can without falling off the bed. “Otter was… he was….” I don’t know how to finish. I might be in possession of the smartest nine-year-old vegetarian ecoterrorist-in-training but there’s some things even he shouldn’t be told. Especially when I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing.
The Kid looks at me expectantly, and I open my mouth to make something up when Otter comes to my rescue. “I was tickling him,” he says soberly. I shoot him a look that tells him I will be kicking his ass later, and he shrugs and grins his grin.
Ty laughs. “That’s why Bear sounded like a girl,” he tells Otter. “He always does when you tickle him.” I scowl at the both of them as they laugh at me some more. Otter reaches over and ruffles the Kid’s hair, and Ty smiles so beautifully at him that I let the pseudo-anger wash out of me. I dare you to try and stay mad when you have a fake-son who smiles like that and a guy lying next to you who, up until two minutes ago, was doing things to you that you’ve never even thought about.
Ty jumps off the bed and walks to the door. “I’m going to go watch MSNBC. It would sure be good if I had some waffles to go with it,” he calls back to us as he leaves.
“There are cartoons on,” Otter shouts after him.
“Cartoons?” he says incredulously. “Otter, I’m nine now, not some little kid.”
Otter looks at me indignantly. “What do you expect?” I ask him. “He’s nine now.” He grins and reaches for me, but his phone rings again. He groans as I hand to him. I stand to follow Ty and am almost at the door when I hear him leap up from the bed, and he grabs my hand and whirls me around and kisses me again.
I hiss and pull back. “The Kid is awake!” I whisper to him. He rolls his eyes and a shadow briefly crosses his face, and I can’t quite place what it is. He shakes it off and grins crookedly, and as he puts the phone against his ear, he says “You owe me,” as he pokes me gently in the chest. He says hello into the phone, and I’m about to turn and leave when I see the smile slide quickly off of his face.
“Oh, hey,” he says into the phone. “What’s up?” He sees me still standing in the room and covers the phone and says he’ll be right down. I nod and walk out of the room and am about to head down the stairs when I hear him say, “What do you want, Jonah?” This causes me to stop.
Have you ever tried to eavesdrop on a phone conversation? It sucks. Big-time. It’s one-sided, and you wish you could see the person on the other end. Not that you want to know what they look like or anything, but because you want to put a face to a name. You hear the person near you say things like, “Why would you say that?” and “Jonah, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and all you can do is imagine what is being said to make a person respond like that. It doesn’t help either when you start to feel something strangely like jealousy, and it burns away at your insides like acid. You try to grapple with this and shove it away, but you lose, and it envelops you completely. You ball your fists and grit your teeth and hear the person say, “What do you expect me to do?” and you think, I expect you to hang up the phone, and you almost reel at the thought because you don’t know where it came from. You start to feel queasy at how strong this sensation is. You wonder why you’ve never really felt jealousy before until now (not that it’s really jealousy or anything; this is all hypothetical), and you start to question if you’re getting in over your head, and you start to think that maybe the last twelve hours have been a big mistake and that life was perfectly fine before a certain someone (who happens to be on the phone with a certain someone else) ever came home. You begin to distrust yourself and the person in the other room who is now saying, “I never meant for you to think like that!” and you smile sickly to yourself at how quickly all of this is happening to you. You never asked for this, did you? You were good before. Peachy fucking keen, even. And then you can’t make out the next words that are said, and you inch closer to the room, knowing what you just didn’t hear was probably the thing you wanted to hear the most. As you are almost back in
the room, you freeze because you hear the phone slap shut and you hear a sigh. You then turn, shamefaced, and leave quickly before you’re caught.
Ever been in that position?
I’m just asking.
ON SUNDAY morning, Ty comes to me with a request that catches me off guard. I know I should have been expecting it at some point, but when he asks, it throws me for a loop. I mean, with all that’s been going on as of late, I thought that we were miles away from here. And damn if it doesn’t sort of hurt.
“You what?” I say to him, disbelieving what I’d just heard.
He sighs and sits on the couch next to me. “You know how I don’t have school tomorrow because it’s a grading day for teachers?” I nod. I have to work later on today and was planning on taking Ty to Otter’s before I went.
“Well, my friend from school wants me to stay the night at his house tonight,” he says patiently, as if I’m the child and he’s the adult.
“Do you want to go?” I say slowly.
He sits back on our couch and scrunches his face. “I think I do,” he says finally. “But if I wanted to come home, would you come get me?” he adds quickly.
